dumped because of sexual incompatibility

[youngskywalker]

Have you ever dumped or been dumped because you weren't sexually compatible with your SO?

 

I'm going through this right now and while I'm not anywhere close to pulling the trigger, I'm starting to wonder if an ultra long term relationship is right with this girl due to sex.

 

I understand, sex isn't everything but it is SOMETHING. Things with my girl are great but I only get strait up intercourse. 90% of the time she doesn't even let me touch her. Before you say "it's just me"... it's not. She has hang ups with touching, oral, ect. I'm plenty experienced and gentle. That isn't the issue IMO.

 

So what do I do? If I could mold her I would and will take extensive time if that's what if takes. If it's a matter of "she'll always be that way" then I don't think I'll be happy in a LTR.

 

If you're at all interested, I briefly spoke about this in a different thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282499/

 

So I'd like to hear your stories about the people you've been with who you were and were not sexually compatible with and how you handled it. Cheers.

[iJester]

You're not satisfied and she's not even willing to try and help. Dump her. Like you said, it's not going to work out in the long run, so you may as well start looking for someone who is more compatible.

[vsmini]

I'm a 28 year old female and have been in a relationship for 6 months. Things are amazing and I'm very happy. NOW.

 

For the first 1-3 months of our relationship I was seriously thinking of stepping away from the new relationship due to sexual issues. He had some sort of performance anxiety issue and it was just so frustrating. It worked about 50% the time and when I brought it up it went down to working about 20% of the time. It was getting worse and worse and if we talked about it then it was just impossible. I think sex is very important.

 

What made me stay? The fact that I loved him more than I can say. That we were compatible in every other way. The sex is so much better and I'd say we're at 80-90% Thankyouverymuch.

 

So. Depends - how long have you been together? Is this the only issue the two of you currently have? If the answer is yes then I would consider trying to work through it.

[denise_xo]

All I'll say is that I haven't handled it very well. I haven't read your other posts so I don't know how long you're into this, but if you see no potential for change then I think it's grounds for going separate ways. Sex is an important glue, especially in a longer term perspective. But try an honest round of communication first, if you haven't already.

[stillafool]

Have you ever dumped or been dumped because you weren't sexually compatible with your SO?

 

I'm going through this right now and while I'm not anywhere close to pulling the trigger, I'm starting to wonder if an ultra long term relationship is right with this girl due to sex.

 

I understand, sex isn't everything but it is SOMETHING. Things with my girl are great but I only get strait up intercourse. 90% of the time she doesn't even let me touch her. Before you say "it's just me"... it's not. She has hang ups with touching, oral, ect. I'm plenty experienced and gentle. That isn't the issue IMO.

 

So what do I do? If I could mold her I would and will take extensive time if that's what if takes. If it's a matter of "she'll always be that way" then I don't think I'll be happy in a LTR.

 

If you're at all interested, I briefly spoke about this in a different thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282499/

 

So I'd like to hear your stories about the people you've been with who you were and were not sexually compatible with and how you handled it. Cheers.

 

Your gf just doesn't like oral sex and you will have to respect that. If you feel you can't have a sexual relationship with her without going down on her then you should find someone else. She isn't going to start liking it if she already knows she hates it. Let her go.

[youngskywalker]

Sex is an important glue, especially in a longer term perspective. But try an honest round of communication first, if you haven't already.

 

I've tried to communicate and it's gone 'so so'. I do love her and that's why I've stuck around for 7 months. I'll stick around for more months to come too. I'm just starting to think long term here. If this is really going to be an ongoing issue in the future then I should start to think about now. That's my perspective. More communication about this might be around the corner though.

[Professor X]

Have you ever had a really deep conversation about the issue? As in, it's super important for you to try new things, to go down on her, to see her squeal, etc etc..

[daphne]

I remember the OP. He wants a more slutty GF who allows him to give her oral sex.

 

The point of view of the OP is about his satisfaction from a sexual point of view and there is no mention of "I Love Her".

 

I say they are not a match.

 

I may agree that they may not be a match, but the rest is poppy cock. The OP wants a girl with a healthy sexual curiosity, not someone who's promiscuous. And he does appear to love her very much. But he's simply asking very valid questions about the long term compatibility, because maybe he doesn't want to over invest and find himself in a sexually unfulfilling relationship later on.

 

All you need to do is read previous posts of his.

[Jono85]

I may agree that they may not be a match, but the rest is poppy cock. The OP wants a girl with a healthy sexual curiosity, not someone who's promiscuous. And he does appear to love her very much. But he's simply asking very valid questions about the long term compatibility, because maybe he doesn't want to over invest and find himself in a sexually unfulfilling relationship later on.

 

All you need to do is read previous posts of his.

 

+1

 

he doesn't seem to be unreasonable at all.

 

also that reference to the above poster who stuck with her guy, it seems like she was not going to be satisfied if things didn't change, so i'm not sure how that's entirely different. he's been with her for 7 months. not saying thats terribly long but if he loves oral, and she's not into it, and won't be, that's a pretty big concern.

[Ruby Slippers]

Ignore the people who are saying you're being selfish and don't care about her. Sex is one of the big three that couples need to agree on -- the other two are family and money.

 

I was in a relationship with a guy I wasn't all that sexually compatible with. His drive waxed and waned, and he would get extremely turned on by odd, kind of fetish stuff, but too often not by straight-up hot sex. I tried to make it work with him, because he was amazing otherwise, but I was never satisfied in that relationship, and it was the root of most of our problems.

[ProjekctionMan]

Ignore the people who are saying you're being selfish and don't care about her. Sex is one of the big three that couples need to agree on -- the other two are family and money.

 

I was in a relationship with a guy I wasn't all that sexually compatible with. His drive waxed and waned, and he would get extremely turned on by odd, kind of fetish stuff, but too often not by straight-up hot sex. I tried to make it work with him, because he was amazing otherwise, but I was never satisfied in that relationship, and it was the root of most of our problems.

 

I agree with this.

 

A virgin can't be with a nympho. Same as you can't be with someone who doesn't want what you want, OP.

[DreamerGirl27]

If you're meant to be, it should be the best sex of your life. No matter what they're willing or not willing to do.

[milkmaterial]

i completely understand you mr skywalker. actually i had a bf who lied to me about his sexual experience. he told me stories about how he pleased his last girl, the stuff he did to her etc and i completely believed him. anyway on our first time..or even first month i found out he didnt even know how to put on a condom it was pretty frustrating, since prior to our first time i was completely celibate for about 6 years and was really looking forward to some sexual olympics..that of which, of course, never happened. but as long as the other person is willing to try and experiment, we need to give them a chance.

[fishtaco]

Disagree with Pierre, agree with everyone else.

 

Like it or not, sex is an important part of a romantic relationship. Oral sex is not "slutty". Prudes will not get along with sexually curious/adventurous people.

 

If she's willing to try, as with anything in a relationship, then a compromise somewhere in the middle probably could be met. If she will not budge, then it's a deal breaker, unfortunately.

[youngskywalker]

Thanks for all the responses. What I came away with is it's time to have a more serious talk about it.

 

And to all those who say it's just an issue of selfishness... I ask, how would you feel if you were with a man and you couldn't make him climax? Wouldn't you feel some sort of disconnect? You wouldn't feel much like a woman and you'd dump him eventually wouldn't you?

 

I'm the same, if I can't make a woman climax then I don't feel much like a man. The vast majority of women (I've read about) say they don't climax through intercourse alone. My woman isn't giving me the ability to do this. No touching, no oral. If she doesn't climax then I don't feel like I did my job. Plain and simple. Eventually, I'll go find a woman who gives me the ability to perform to the uttermost. She'll be happy and so will I.

[dangerstranger]

SW,

 

All I can tell you is it doesn't get better with time. Believe it or not, there are A LOT of men out there with sexual hang ups. I've dated a couple of guys with really low sex drives and a lack of willingness to try new things. Sooooo frustrating!

 

I remember going away with a guy in the first few months of our relationship and getting snowed in, in a gorgeous resort. You'd think we'd have used that time to have a lot of sex... Nope, only once in 4 days- we played board games instead (I refer to them as "bored" games since that weekend).

 

The frequency of sex only got worse, and it just made me feel bad about myself. That was the first time I'd experienced that- but I've since dated another with the same issue.

 

Sexual compatibility is really very important in a relationship.

[spiderowl]

I don't think it's wrong to want to have a happy sex life with someone responsive and interested. Your girlfriend may be inhibited, if her family background was rather puritanical. That can be overcome but slowly and with encouragement and affection. You can only find out if this is the cause by talking though.

 

Many women cannot climax through intercourse alone and she may be feeling anxious about that. Disapproval of her or lots of attempts to get her to climax might put her under pressure and make matters worse. What if you gave up on trying to make her climax and just relaxed for a while? How would you feel about that and how would you assume she would feel? Could you relax and just enjoy what you have and see what happens? I'm not saying you should, but wondering how you'd feel about that?

 

Some women never climax at all. I've known women like this who have felt very pressured by boyfriends. They know their boyfriend is feeling disturbed about it and that he wants to please them and make it happen. It just puts them under more pressure. If your girlfriend was like this, then relaxing and not worrying about it would make a difference. The thing is, can you cope with that?

 

If she hardly likes to be touched and isn't interested in trying anything else, it does sound a bit of a limited relationship. I don't fall in with the current 'fashion' of trying everything and all sorts of fetishes to boot, as I think we've gone overboard on that, but some signs that she is enjoying a sex life with you would be important. Just bear in mind that if you are basically bored with what's happening and she is happy with the sex life she has at the moment, then constantly suggesting new things is going to make her feel pressured and inadequate. Ultimately, she may well feel that you are simply not satisfied with the range of things she is comfortable with and she may dump you! It could well be that there is a fundamental sexual incompatibility there.

Edited June 15, 2011 by spiderowl

[youngskywalker]

SW,

 

All I can tell you is it doesn't get better with time.

 

That's what I'm a little worried about. If it did, then I wouldn't be on this forum talking about it. I'd just be patient and go for the long haul.

[dangerstranger]

That's what I'm a little worried about. If it did, then I wouldn't be on this forum talking about it. I'd just be patient and go for the long haul.

 

Well, I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Sexual hang ups are way too difficult to work with. People just don't "change" when it comes to sex.

[youngskywalker]

Disapproval of her or lots of attempts to get her to climax might put her under pressure and make matters worse. What if you gave up on trying to make her climax and just relaxed for a while?

 

some signs that she is enjoying a sex life with you would be important.

 

This is the thing, in my view it's getting close to the midnight hour. I know full well that the worst thing you can do to a girl is pressure her into doing something she doesn't want to. So yeah, to answer your question I've relaxed for 7 months on this whole issue.

 

I guess I was naive to think it would get better on it's own if I just relaxed and waited for her to get comfortable with me. Didn't really happen TBH.

 

The worst part is I believe she's completely satisfied. At least that's what she tells me. I get all kinds of feedback of how awesome I am in bed. Maybe to her I am but I've been with other women mind you and I know the pleasure a woman can experience and she's not there yet. She just doesn't know and isn't willing. Oh well. Thanks for everyones help.

[youngskywalker]

BTW, the girl that never had intercourse with me in highs chool had orgasms by just grinding against me with her clothes on. She was a virgin, but she could have an orgasm in a heartbeat.

 

You bring up a very interesting point. I've had that happen too... or at least something close to it. I've heard of girls having orgasms just by kissing.

 

Maybe the girl I'm with isn't able to have one but I seriously doubt it judging by the way she gets extremely aroused and demands sex. I simply think she doesn't know, or better said, doesn't know what the potential is because she's never experienced it.

[Lucky_One]

I asked in your other thread how old you and your GF are, and if this is her first or second sexual partner?

[youngskywalker]

I asked in your other thread how old you and your GF are, and if this is her first or second sexual partner?

 

Her:26 Me:32

She told me I'm her sixth sexual partner. I'm about six on the scorecard too.

[Silivren]

...I'd like to interject something from a different perspective.

 

I actually know what your gf is going through, Skywalker... because honestly when I first started having sex I didn't orgasm, nor did I particularly like having oral sex.

 

...The reasons for this were twofold. #1 - I wasn't yet comfortable with my body or my sexuality... #2 - I actually was quite a late bloomer and sex was initially painful.

 

I didn't actually start having orgasms until about 27 - once I was comfortable with my body and had a deep connection with someone that made it possible for me to completely let go. I now have a healthy sex drive and I love experimenting with my partner...

 

I understand that you want to please your girlfriend... but just because she isn't having orgasms doesn't necessarily mean you are not pleasing her.. sometimes it takes time for a woman to "grow into her body" and just because she has sexual hangups now doesn't mean that it will be that way forever...

[Intergalactic]

i think you need to sit down and have a conversation with her about how oral sex makes YOU feel (ie you really enjoy doing it, want to give her sexual satisfaction because at the same time it gives you sexual satisfaction etc etc). try to find out, gently of course, some of the reasons why she doesn't want it. it probably has a lot to do with the way she was brought up, or sexual inexperience, or a feeling of shame or inadequacy. it could also be due to some kind of sexual abuse she's experienced.. you need to be careful in the conversation. also, it is NOT one to have just before getting hot and heavy in the bedroom - talk about it in a neutral environment, without the prospect of sex occurring soon after. be really careful in the way you speak so that she doesn't take offence to it or feel you are blaming her in some way - it's already a touchy subject with her and that will just make it worse.