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Is my anger justified?


*peaches1234*

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*peaches1234*

Hello all.

 

I'm looking for some advice on whether or not I should be upset at my man. I'm always confused about whether I should be upset or not when we have confliciting ideas. I have a hard time telling if I am expecting to much, or if he is being selfish.

 

Here's the scene: we live apart, but spend all our nights together either at his place or mine (back and fourth each night). I've got major surgery coming up, and I've asked him to stay at my place for a few nights in a row during the initial crappy recovery, and he has agreed, but was very reluctant. Obviously I can't go back and fourth between our places until after a few days.

 

Should I press for him to stay for the few days, or should I tell him to forget it and just stay at his place since I know he'd rather do that. I'd of course like to have him with me for comfort. I'm not sure if he is being selfish.

 

My intinct tells me I should be upset. Am I wrong?

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ArdeaCandidissima

How about trying to let go of questions like:

 

"Should I be upset?" and

 

"Am I wrong?"

 

These questions show that you re appealing to some universal standard of behavior for boyfriends and girlfriends. These discussions always go badly, since you're sidestepping discussion of what you really care about (which is the two of you). I recommend that you just ask specifically for what you would like, and listen generously to his feelings as well. You may be surprised at how much better you can both express your real needs. How about this:

 

"I would really like you to stay over at my place, to keep me company and take care of me. I'm sure I'll be feeling terrible, and it would comfort me a lot to have you there."

 

"I don't know, it's really not very convenient for me."

 

"Can you say more about that?" (neutrally, with interest. Let him talk)

 

"I am so tired of all that driving, and hauling my clothes around." (or whatever)

 

etc.

 

You have needs and wants, he has needs and wants. Neither of you will get everything you are asking for - but I hope you both get a lot of what you want, cause otherwise it's not a good relationship. Just stay calm and CLEAR when you're asking.

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really bad advice, C1.

 

He agreed to spend time with her, but it's an inconvenience. That he is willing to do something in spite of his feelings shows that he indeed cares for her. To be gah-gah head over heels for someone with no personal opinions or feelings whatsoever is essentially impossible, or psychologically unhealthy when it is present.

 

let go of ever being upset at anyone for the the way they feel about something. It's a lost cause.

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I would be pretty hard pressed to say he doesn't care about me. This is one of the only things he has done that has caused me to question his behaviour/how deeply he cares for me. He is going to stay with me, it is his initial reluctance that has made me confused.

 

Perhaps I'm stuck in 'boyfriends are supposed to do such and such a thing..." mode?

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Peaches said this:

Here's the scene: we live apart, but spend all our nights together either at his place or mine (back and fourth each night). I've got major surgery coming up, and I've asked him to stay at my place for a few nights in a row during the initial crappy recovery, and he has agreed, but was very reluctant. Obviously I can't go back and fourth between our places until after a few days.

And C1 seems to think that because of this he's not doing this:

Yes, actually boyfriends are supposed to do such and such things, like show care, compassion, be considerate

 

Where the hell do you get the idea that he's not doing any of those things by agreeing to what Peaches has asked? Because he didn't grovel on his knees and beg for permission to obey her?

 

You're headed for a divorce if you keep that attitude up. In real life, people have their own concerns, strange as though it may seem.

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Originally posted by Frodo

In real life, people have their own concerns...

 

This makes me think I shouldn't be too upset with him.

 

C1's posts make me think I should.

 

The conflict the two of you are having is the same conflict that's going on in my mind.

 

I'm not sure if I should bring up my disappointment in his reaction to my boyfriend again. I hope his reactions in the future are not the same as they were in this situation. Since he has agreed to stay, should I just let sleeping dogs lie? Like I said before, the other 99% of the time he treats me very, very well.

 

Is there any point in getting angry with him about this? Nobody (i.e. him) can be what someone else (i.e. me) thinks is perfect.

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If you bring this up with him, he's going to say, "*what?* I agreed to stay, what's the big deal?"

You'll be coming across as purely irrational. Don't worry about what people feel. Worry about what they do.

 

That' he's going out of his way to make you happy means that he likes you more.

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Some people aren't as giving as we would like them to be. Depending on what kind of surgery you're having (and I don't need to know & sorry if I missed it, did quick skimming) he might be a bit leary to watch over you and help you out. I think you should just discuss it with him if this is the case. I think it would be better for you if you had someone that really wanted to help you out as opposed to someone who is just being guilted into being there.

I have friends that are literally scared to go to the hospital because they don't like the smell of it.

 

I helped a girl that had breast augmentation for a few days at her house. At first I didn't realize what I got myself into by agreeing to it. I had to help her with little things like eating, drinking, pain pills - hey no problem there. But helping her go to the bathroom, well that was just a little too much for me. Needless to say I am still friendly with her, but we are not too close now because of the images still lurk in my head when I see her.

 

Different people have different quirks. It doesn't make him a bad guy not wanting to help you out. But make sure you find out the reasons why he doesn't before you get really mad at him.

 

 

Good luck

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I guess perhaps I should just let it go since he has agreed to stay. It's not a fear of taking care of me though, because he wants to become a surgeon! I wish that was his reason because I wouldn't be as concerned then.

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It also could be as simple as he's never cared for someone post-surgery before, and he's nervous that he won't know the right thing to do or the right way to act. Be patient with him, it sounds like you have a good thing going. :)

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Peaches if it is bothering you that he hesistated before agreeing to stay with you post surgery, then just ask him about it. Say "dear you seemed reluctant, what gives?"

 

He probably doesnt even realize he hesitated before agreeing. Maybe a subconscious thing. As Amberlyn suggested, it could be something as simple as not knowing what you expect of him after your surgery.

 

Anyway g/f good luck with the surgery and hope all goes well. :)

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