girlygirl100 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I have been with my boyfriend for almost 10 months. I am a perfectionist at heart and tend to obsess over tiny details. He is uber positive and happy all the time; I am generally a happy person too but tend to be cynical over things. When he is super happy it drives me crazy and puts me in a bad mood. I can't even explain it. If we get into an argument he gets over it quickly and I stew over it for a day and think it about it before I can fully be over it. When things with us are good I am happy and everything is peachy. When we get into an argument (like last night) I sit at work, can't concentrate at times and think to myself "is this gonna last?". This is what I attribute to my perfectionist attitude. When we aren't lovey dovey I want to run. He is wonderful in more ways than I can count and I hate that I question myself about him just because it's not perfect at that moment. Does anyone else struggle with this sense of wanting only perfection? I know its crazy because no one or nothing will ever be perfect...but for some reason I can't seem to let it sink in. Link to post Share on other sites
Thatguyintx Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 You sound like you may an anxious attachment type. He sounds very secure. You should be a good match in the long run since he doesn't react to your obsessiveness. I usually don't buy into most psychology type theories, but unfortunately this one hit me between the eyes. Search for attachment types online and see if it makes any sense to how you feel or react. Do you feel like you are getting more secure as time goes on? Or less secure? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 When things aren't perfect, do you feel out of control? If so, why? If your rational mind is telling you that your emotional reactions are approaching 'crazy', you might want to talk with a professional about that, presuming this is a consistent issue in your past relationships. Best gift I ever gave myself was to let go of 'perfect'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlygirl100 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 It's funny you should mention that. I saw in a post last week a quiz to find out what attachment type you are. When I took the quiz I was the anxious type and sure enough he was the secure type. I feel secure in our relationship in the sense that I know he loves me and supports me no matter what. He does deal with my OCD personality and is very patient with me. At times though I feel insecure because I question "is he good enough for me?". That sounds awful. I feel as though that goes back to my obsessing over things and yearning for all things perfect. I am 28, he is 31. He is my first serious boyfriend but he has had other relationships. I always thought before I had a serious boyfriend that it would be wonderful all the time and it's not...and when it's not it's all I can concentrate on. He lives in the moment where I tend to be in the moment but thinking about the next moment. I see my friends who act like they are head over heels in love with their boyfriends. I want that feeling. The question I can't figure out is if I would be this way in another relationship or is it him? I am learning a lot about myself in this relationship and i don't know if I necessarily like I see. Things with him are easy. I feel comfortable around him, he makes me feel beautiful, he is trustworthy, responsible, kind. He comes from a wonderful family. He has 3 nieces and when I see they way he interacts with them it warms my heart. Everything on the outside seems perfect so what is wrong with me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlygirl100 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 When things aren't perfect, do you feel out of control? If so, why? If your rational mind is telling you that your emotional reactions are approaching 'crazy', you might want to talk with a professional about that, presuming this is a consistent issue in your past relationships. Best gift I ever gave myself was to let go of 'perfect'. How did you learn to let go of 'perfect'? Link to post Share on other sites
Dinsdale Piranha Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 There's a line in a song that goes: "The temptation to take the precious things we have in life apart to see how they work must be resisted for they never fit together again". It always struck me as good advice. Though not always easy to do... Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 When things aren't perfect, do you feel out of control? If so, why? If your rational mind is telling you that your emotional reactions are approaching 'crazy', you might want to talk with a professional about that, presuming this is a consistent issue in your past relationships. Best gift I ever gave myself was to let go of 'perfect'. I also think carhill might be onto something. Perfectionist, trouble concentrating. Go to professional. Some of the most well adjusted people I know go in once a year or so, sort of like a dental check & cleaning lol. Go see what happening. They might suggest something as simple as learning mediation or concentration techniques. Perfectionism isn't in itself such a bad thing unless we impose it on others. If you want to take the time to turn on the cans in your cubberts so the labels face out that is fine. The only time it becomes a problem is when you force others to do it. Either that or you have to get up in the middle of the night to do it, LOL then it could be a form of OCD. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) How did you learn to let go of 'perfect'? Accept things as they are. Communicate what I want/need, clearly. Accept any response. Decide whether that response aligns with the path I choose. If yes, continue; if no, discontinue. I don't fight for 'perfect' relationships anymore, rather accept them as they are and, if unhealthy, discontinue them. There are dishes in the sink and the lawn needs to be mowed. I'll get around to it. Life is imperfect. It all works out As an example, my mother was a perfectionist. She came from a family where alcoholism ruled and her way of dealing with that out of control environment was to keep complete control over her own environment. This rubbed off on me during socialization and for many years I was black and white, gotta do everything right. Unhealthy. Ironically, later in her life when she became mentally ill and all the filters went away, it was the gross imperfections and my having to deal with them which would teach me the lessons regarding this issue. Something else to consider is disparity, or not, in family background. You say he has a wonderful family. How would you characterize your own? Equally importantly, how does he characterize them? If LTR/M is a goal of yours, families become intertwined. It's a part of compatibility. Edited June 7, 2011 by carhill Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlygirl100 Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 You hit the nail on the head - I am VERY black and white. I need learn that life if very much a grey area. He is very easy going and I'm not so we do balance each other out. We have a talked about a future together and he has the same ideas and feelings as I do. This relationship is not unhealthy in the sense of us constantly fighting, him being emotionally/verbally/physically abusive. Sometimes I do wonder how he even cares about me with my obsessive/anxious personality that can rear it's ugly head. My family is also wonderful. I come from a large family which I love. I have 3 siblings, all married with kids. My nieces and nephews are all amazing in their own ways. When I first met his family they reminded me a lot of my own in the best possible way. I do come from a family of worriers so it's not uncommon. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) i can relate. i was like this in my younger years, got it from both parents, they're the same way, to an extent, just in different ways. my father is obsessive with his professional/business life, my mother is obsessive with her preconceived notions of status and family and other such domestic things. i did what your impulses tell you to do, i simply walked away from friends, relationships, and in some cases, even family in my 20s. there was always another grand plan to conquer the world over the horizon, all i had to do was keep chasing it and ignore people who distracted me from my lofty goals. but when i got into my late 20s and early 30s i realized that you can chase forever and never catch it. i had to remind myself, rationally, to not throw away what you've got until what you're feasibly going to get to replace it will be better. it takes wisdom, experience, fortitude, intelligence, and a whole bunch of other words to describe a mentally stable person that i'm forgetting to overcome those thoughts and impulses and live rationally. in my case it was especially difficult to see, nevermind deal with, because that obsessive personality that's always after the biggest and best can very easily succeed professionally, and you can use that professional success to vindicate your destructive tendencies. how to get over it? i got over it like you are doing, but a bit differently in circumstances. you have a relationship that you don't want to ruin. i came into financial success, which i also didn't want to ruin. that made me think, and objectively thinking about it was enough to get me to analyze what i was doing and work on it. fwiw i've never seen a therapist. i'm not disregarding them, just stating my own situation. good luck, you're past the first step. just stop and think before you act. that's part of growing up, it gets easier when stopping to think also becomes a habit. the second step is a thought process of imagining "worst case scenarios" and logically planning your own future. for example, there are quite a few people posting on this forum who are in their late 30s/40s/even 50s who have themselves on such a pedestal that no one they meet could ever jump high enough to catch them. they have spent decade(s) alone, looking for perfection that never came along. the other end of the spectrum is the fairy tale that never happens, of two people randomly meeting and finding out a week later that they're gonna spend their lives together without any reservations, preconceived notions, or hindrances. keep those extremes in mind with each decision and action, and try to land somewhere in the middle, by logically admitting to yourself that the negative extreme is more likely than the positive extreme. Edited June 7, 2011 by thatone Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I have been with my boyfriend for almost 10 months. I am a perfectionist at heart and tend to obsess over tiny details. He is uber positive and happy all the time; I am generally a happy person too but tend to be cynical over things. When he is super happy it drives me crazy and puts me in a bad mood. I can't even explain it. If we get into an argument he gets over it quickly and I stew over it for a day and think it about it before I can fully be over it. When things with us are good I am happy and everything is peachy. When we get into an argument (like last night) I sit at work, can't concentrate at times and think to myself "is this gonna last?". This is what I attribute to my perfectionist attitude. When we aren't lovey dovey I want to run. He is wonderful in more ways than I can count and I hate that I question myself about him just because it's not perfect at that moment. Does anyone else struggle with this sense of wanting only perfection? I know its crazy because no one or nothing will ever be perfect...but for some reason I can't seem to let it sink in. "Perfect" there is not such a thing. Maybe something that comes closest to it but that is defined by each person. Perfection doesn't exist. You are not perfect yourself. If you think about it, look at the way that you are behaving, do you think that is being "perfect"? I'd tell you this much, you continue to act like this and you may end up with emptyness... Seek help. He who wants it all ends with nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
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