MSNatalia Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I've been dating this guy for a while. Everything was going great until he bailed on seeing me once cause his ex needed emotional support. He admits she's emotionally manipulative and should have cut his ties, but in these cases, I don't see victims, just willing parties. It's been almost a year since his previous relationship went south, as far as I know. He apologized profusely, said he thought highly of me, etc. I haven't wrote back and am in the process of letting this one go. But I wonder, is there any hope? I know he's not entitled to anything but should I respond? Link to post Share on other sites
makelemonade1974 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Define "bailed." Do you mean you were dating him and he broke up with you to get back together with his ex gf, or he is spending time with his ex and you fought about it but are still seeing each other - or the fight broke you up? If it is the former, probably not a lot of hope. If someone's in a relationship and returns to an ex, it's because they are still in love with them. If it's one of the latter, he still has feelings for her and you are right to not be okay with them hanging out. I don't think it looks good sweetie, sorry to say it. You may have been the rebound girl. At least you will have learned this is not a good position to be in and perhaps will be able to see the "i'm not over my ex" red flags next time. Hang in there ((hugs)) Link to post Share on other sites
makelemonade1974 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I know. Girls have all sorts of messed up reasons for dating people they shouldn't. I'm attracted to self-centered, workaholic a-holes, for example. Link to post Share on other sites
makelemonade1974 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 no they aint Link to post Share on other sites
Nexus One Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I'm attracted to self-centered, workaholic a-holes, for example. Why are you attracted to self-centered, workaholic a-holes? Link to post Share on other sites
makelemonade1974 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 bleh, just describing my ex. I do tend to go for arrogant a-hole types though - like they are a puzzle - or there's a nice guy in there just waiting to get out. Plus, I'm somewhat impressed by intelligence / artistic talent. It's a problem. I'm working on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Nexus One Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 bleh, just describing my ex. I do tend to go for arrogant a-hole types though - like they are a puzzle - or there's a nice guy in there just waiting to get out. Men that are broken can't be fixed by their SO. Cases where that does happen are exceptions. Those "projects/puzzles" are futile endeavors in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
makelemonade1974 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 True. I agree entirely. Like I said, I'm working on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I don't think it bodes well that someone would turn down a date with a new girlfriend to console an old girlfriend. Sometimes there are good reasons for seemingly ridiculous things...but he'd better really explain to you what was going on in his mind. Personally, I think you should let this guy go. Sorry bleh, just describing my ex. I do tend to go for arrogant a-hole types though - like they are a puzzle - or there's a nice guy in there just waiting to get out. Plus, I'm somewhat impressed by intelligence / artistic talent. It's a problem. I'm working on it. I have that problem, too! But I'm learning that going after such guys is a gargantuan waste of time. I like puzzles...but I think from here on out I'd rather spend my time enjoying the ease of someone who has able to fit the pieces together themselves of what makes a healthy relationship, rather than attempt to fit the pieces together for them. Link to post Share on other sites
CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Geez, no. Run. Link to post Share on other sites
TouchedByViolet Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I have hope that you will ignore this emotionally ungrounded man and find someone loyal and dedicated to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MSNatalia Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 Define "bailed." Do you mean you were dating him and he broke up with you to get back together with his ex gf, or he is spending time with his ex and you fought about it but are still seeing each other - or the fight broke you up? If it is the former, probably not a lot of hope. If someone's in a relationship and returns to an ex, it's because they are still in love with them. If it's one of the latter, he still has feelings for her and you are right to not be okay with them hanging out. I don't think it looks good sweetie, sorry to say it. You may have been the rebound girl. At least you will have learned this is not a good position to be in and perhaps will be able to see the "i'm not over my ex" red flags next time. Hang in there ((hugs)) No, we were supposed to meet but he canceled cause his ex suddenly needed emotional support. He insisted it was over but she manipulates him. Don't know how pushy she actually is. I'm trying my best to be strong and not contact him. But not responding at all to his explanation, was that the right move? I figure after some space, if he truly cares about he, he'll come back to make it right and if not, time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Why is it his decision? I guess his actions haven't yet violated your sense of what a healthy relationship should be? The thing is, she could be the most manipulative person in the world, but it's up to him whether or not he allows himself to BE manipulated. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 No, we were supposed to meet but he canceled cause his ex suddenly needed emotional support. He insisted it was over but she manipulates him. Don't know how pushy she actually is. I'm trying my best to be strong and not contact him. But not responding at all to his explanation, was that the right move? I figure after some space, if he truly cares about he, he'll come back to make it right and if not, time to move on.This is a very simple case. If he is still emotionally unavailable, after meeting you, then he is probably not into you. But if he is just being a good ex to his ex, then listen to him and take the risk: if you feel he likes you, then go for it and do NOT worry about the ex. I know it's not that simple when you're involved, sweetie. Been there, done that. Bottomline: IF he is chasing you, try to trust him. If he doesn't call you at all, let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 she could be the most manipulative person in the world, but it's up to him whether or not he allows himself to BE manipulated.There is nothing wrong with being manipulated (nothing wrong as in it is not the manipulated person's fault). The question is whether he allows himself to be manipulated because he still loves his ex - and not because he is simply a naive guy. Link to post Share on other sites
CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Good addition, RP - that was my intent with my post, but you brought home the clarity I, perhaps, did not. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Natalia, you've been dating this guy for a while and he saw his ex once or so. I don't think it's as much of a big deal as it feels for you. It doesn't sound like he left you at the altar or decided to celebrate a holiday with her instead of with you. If this were his cousin, you wouldn't care one bit. If he's not into his ex anymore, then who cares if he saw her? We women are very sensitive about exes. Maybe men are the same, but I couldn't stand it if a guy I loved was bitching about me seeing my ex when I felt he needed my emotional support. In fact, I was thinking recently what if my ex-husband became ill or disabled, God forbid, and I had a new partner at the time whom I loved very much, but I felt I needed to help my ex...? I am not sure I would choose the love. I would probably choose to do the right thing and if my love couldn't understand it, then maybe he's not the love of my life after all. People, especially men, get very protective when they are needed by fragile and vulnerable people, even when they are complete strangers. That's why he said his ex was manipulative because she managed to envoke in him the urge to protect her. That's not the same as love, though. Paradoxically, a man will often help people other than his lover more readily! The reason is because when a man is in love, he feels he is giving power to his woman (she has power over him), so he can't see her as fragile and vulnerable for as long as he is in love. That's why you'll often see people NOT helping each other in the aftermath of a breakup, for example. Link to post Share on other sites
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