I am a woman, rejected on 3 first dates in a row

[calendula74]

Hi Everyone!

 

I am feeling disheartened and ready to give up online dating...

When I first signed up I was pretty excited and ready to do some fun and work, but now I am starting to loose confidence.

 

Would love to hear some opinions and feed back on this! I am sort of at loss about this...I tired googling rejection on first dates, but most of the post that came up were either written by a men or advice for men, which makes me think that men struggle with this issue more often, maybe?

 

So here is my story: I am a 36 year old professional female with a good life, full time job, nice place and many outside of work interests. In the past was in two long term relationships, I guess that makes me a serial monogamist , but not a big pro on casual dating.

 

I signed up for a free online dating website about 2 months ago.

I feel like I put a lot of effort in my profile and posted good pictures. I had 2 male and 1 female friend proof read it.

 

I have been getting about 2 emails per week. I keep hearing about women on these website getting bombarded by emails, not in my case.

But regardless, I chatted with a number of people and returned reasonable emails. I did not reply to "hey babe or wanna get a drink" first emails. To be proactive, I have also sent out a number of initial emails too.

 

First I chatted with a guy who was 39, 3 years older than me and a widow. He seemed intelligent, many common interests and looked handsome on the photos. So we exchanged about 5-6 emails and agreed to meet up at a museum after work.

 

When he showed up he had not much to say and he seemed really awkward. I figured he was nervous (I was too) so just tried to make conversation to put him to ease and chose things to talk about that were not too heavy.

 

Then he started talking about his dead wife. He kept bring it up over and over. For some reason every art work reminded him of his honeymoon and wedding with his dead wife. I tried being gentle about it and did not shoot him down, but in the same time I felt frustrated. I kept thinking, hey I want someone to think of me like this after I die! Then all of the sudden he announced he had to go home. we have been at the museum for about 1.5 hours. I felt irritated again, after listening to all the dead wife talk he is bailing out? I worked so hard to make conversation, asking him questions. Followed all the "dating rules" of no heavy subjects, talk intelligently, asked him questions tried not to talk too much and I even dressed up really nice, he did not! His nose was dripping and his breath stank and he was chewing on his work ID the whole time. He kept on his slightly dirty winter parka on the whole time. But I was not going to harshly judge because of that and I can be a gracious date. But he had to go home. Well...

 

Okay, next. 46 year old man, brunch on a Sunday. He has been emailing me for weeks. Seems very eager. I respond to him in timely manner. He calls me we have a pretty nice phone chat and we set up a date.

He is 10 years older than me, but what the hell....gave it a try, why not? We order food and he inhales his tiny gourmet sandwich and proceeds to watch me eat for the next 15 minutes. The conversation is a bit awkward, but I am riding it and trying to make the best. It gets better and we end up talking for almost 3 hours. Then I realize that the train I need to catch is leaving soon so I tell him that. (btw I agreed to meet him up half way, he lives in the suburbs and I live in the city). Outside he gives me a "church-hug", you know the kind where only the shoulders and arms touch. I think to myself well it went okay, he kept starring at me and asking question. I send him a thank you note couple days later since he paid for lunch (not expected, but appreciated)

 

Well, he never called. WTF. I mean I know what that means. Even though he was not my kind of person, I gave it a try because sometimes it's good to get out of the comfort zone of thinking of perfection. I guess what annoyed me is that he was so much older, had only an associate degree and part time jobs and wore elastic top pants and college sweater to the date. But I was willing to go on a second date because he seemed nice enough and had a cute face. Sheesh.

 

Next. A younger person(28) emailed me. He seemed funny and had a lot to talk about. All my friends were saying that I should give a younger person a try, even though I was a bit reluctant. After emailing and talking to him, I was thinking well, if nothing else this person at least knows how to have a fun conversation.

I met up with him on a weeknight for a beer. We had a pretty fun conversation, joking around I actually enjoyed his stories. Except he started talking about some sexy/weird stories about going on dates unknowingly with trannies. Then he was telling me about a tv show where a guy is getting a handjob etc....I tried laughing it off but I got the sense he was testing how I react to it. Then we started chatting about other things and it was kind of fun again. I offered to get the next round of beers and he kind of got serious and said "I am not an alcoholic" I was like whaaaat?

It's just plain weird, not too sure where that came from. I rarely drink, but I don't think 2 beers are excessive. Then he says "I got to go work out"

Again wtf? It's 8pm and we have been there for 45 minutes. LOL what a lame bail out line. So I said lets go and we get outside and he says "well call me or text me if you want to do this again" I thought he was joking! Call him???

 

Then 3 days later I get an email "thanks but no thanks". LOL Really? This guy turned out to be my height even though he said he was 5'8" he was probably about 5'3" or 5'4" and had acne.

 

In fact all 3 men said they were about 4-5 inches taller. Why lie? I don't care about height so much as long as they are not shorter than me ( I am 5'3"), but the lying thing is a problem.

 

My friends say, just move on and don't think about it....but these were all the dates I had so far. Hard not to think I am doing something wrong.

 

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to give all the background info.

 

So what is happening here? I would appreciate constructive feedback

[CambridgeGirl]

Wow. Man... OK, so heres why you should stop beating up on yourself:

 

Date1 = man not over dead wife needing to talk about it, sorry for him but, time waster. As soon as it crops up, smile, finish drink, leave, it's not fair on you lady. This is a guy who is oblivious and clearly isn't dating material.

 

Date2 = older guy, probably dating to 1970's rules, old enough to have his own set oddities and god knows what else, sounds weird, don't even sweat it, throw that one away and forget it.

 

Date3 = cheeky boy looking for fun, maybe one of those who thinks older women are more likely to get physical quicker, I mean hand job jokes? LOL "I'm not an alcoholic", yawn, in the UK he wouldn't last a minute... Laugh it off.

 

Essentially, there are loads of flakes on the net, don't get me wrong there are lots of nice people out there, but you have to expect a lot of crazies and players too. You just have to get better at filtering them out. Height is always a lie, tell them to take a photo of themselves holding todays newspaper, clearly showing the date, stood next to a door frame... and watch them run

 

You have done nothing wrong except meet three flakes, as soon as you meet a nice one you'll realise this and it might take ten dates or more before you do. Keep at it. B.

[Nathan Drake]

Wow that is some of the strangest occurrences iv ever heard of. Honestly, i think you just picked 3 really odd dudes. I mean it seems as tho you did everything right. The part about the guy "not being an alcoholic" is a real WTF.

 

I honestly wouldnt get too discouraged as imo, you just happened to choose 3 "duds".

[calendula74]

Thanks both of you for your kind words.

 

Yeah, I hope it's just a fluke. Maybe I could do something to pick better people? They sounded pretty good online. Nice, witty emails, no spelling/grammar problems. Oh well...

 

Any particular technique you would recommend to avoid these flakey types?

[Nathan Drake]

I dont really know what i can tell ya other than that guys are idiots(i would know, i happen to be one) and you are just gonna have to weed through the bad ones. What you are doing seems like the right course though. I mean its so hard to get a feel for someone via online communication, you need to meet face to face, and unfortunately sometimes you realize who they are online isnt who they are in real life.

 

I know that all sounds like a 'no s**t' statement but i say keep at it, they cant all be duds

[CambridgeGirl]

I try to see as many pics as possible, I always try to get three or four good emails back and forth too, this usually reveals whether they can communicate OK. If am really not sure I call them or get them to call me. If you are upfront and say, hey I find it helps to have a quick ice breaker chat on the phone before I meet strangers, any sane kind guy will be ok. I can tell LOTS from a voice, being nervous is fine, but if my guts scream "we got a weirdo", I can then make an excuse and cancel. I'm very good at chatting to strangers and putting people as ease but I am aware not all women would be Ok with doing that. This approach usually works for me. But I think a lot of men won't do it these days, they live and die by the power of texting.

 

The more dates you go on, the better you will get at spotting the duds. One guy met me wearing a farmers cap, proceeded to tell me he had been wrongfully arrested for stamping on his ex gf face and that he had a painkiller addiction. He also had no money on him to pay for his drink. I was gone in minutes. Everyone meets crazies. Had I spoken to him beforehand I would have detected one of his 300 weird traits, in his case I didn't.

[calendula74]

:)

 

Okay! Yeah. I appreciate your feedback.

 

I do have a date set for next Sunday. We shall see...

 

Maybe I will wear sweatpants and order a coke

[Nathan Drake]

 

The more dates you go on, the better you will get at spotting the duds. One guy met me wearing a farmers cap, proceeded to tell me he had been wrongfully arrested for stamping on his ex gf face and that he had a painkiller addiction. He also had no money on him to pay for his drink. I was gone in minutes. Everyone meets crazies. Had I spoken to him beforehand I would have detected one of his 300 weird traits, in his case I didn't.

 

 

I just had to say "wow" on that one. Im glad you made it out of there in one piece, haha.

[oaks]

Height is always a lie, tell them to take a photo of themselves holding todays newspaper, clearly showing the date, stood next to a door frame... and watch them run

 

As someone who really is the height stated on my profiles, I like your style. I'm tempted to try this myself (since it isn't just guys who lie about height, and by lie I mean wear heels and think it counts).

[calendula74]

Wow painkiller addiction! Nice!

 

I did exchange a number of emails with all 3 guys, and talked on the phone. I was pretty specific that I was not interested in texting too.

The 46 year old sounded kind of goofy, more like a crotchety old man, so maybe I should have listened to my gut feeling about that.

Listening to the voice is a good advice!

 

The date next week is also a guy in his fourties. A mistake maybe? He seems a lot cooler than the other guy with elastic pants...but who knows, right?

[CambridgeGirl]

It's a goody hey? I got that from a friend who was so despondent he said he was at the point of insisting on the above photo with newspaper, last three months payslips, police and full psych report, plus employer references. hahaha. I know a lot of women lie about their weight too, it isn't just men who fib of course.

 

I would say that only 2 out of about 15 dates I had were with people who were vaguely date-able, the rest had some kind of crazy going on, or looked about 5 years older than their pics. It is a lottery, you cannot have any expectation on date 1, ever. Save that for date 2 onwards!

[oaks]

So what is happening here?

 

Hopefully it's just a coincidence that it was 3 in a row.

[CambridgeGirl]

In his forties? Whats with all the older guys? You are how old? I would lower the age barrier, maybe a year or two younger even Aim high every time.

[calendula74]

I am 36. I set my my age group online between 34-46. Too much?

[greenwood]

I say don't take it personally.

Probably they realized they were too good for you. In fact they maybe "rejected" you just to to do it before you rejected them.

 

I once accidentally found someone I knew in person on a dating site. It was a shock because quite a few things he said were not true. For example, he lied about his education. He also lied about his ethnicity.

 

The funny part is, these things are not based on personal perception, like, when people say a bunch of things about themselves, and the reality is totally different. When for example somebody says they like pets, while you know they literally hate them. Or when somebody says their body type is athletic, but you would describe them as average. I always smile when I hear stories like this, because it reminds me of how big the gap is between how we see ourselves and how others see us.

 

But to lie about something that is obvious??

 

This is why I don't do online dating anymore.

[calendula74]

Hey that's great advice! Thanks for taking to time to go into detail.

 

I am feeling already better and more centered.

 

It's just very easy to go down the slippery slope of self doubt sometimes.

 

At 36 I am learning about dating, I guess.

[daphne]

There's no reason for you to really feel bad about what's going on, other than you're meeting serious duds. You have an open mind and are giving people chances, you have the right intentions and you're putting your best foot forward. The guys you have dated do not sound dateable.

 

Your widower reminds me of one of the last dates I met online. Within probably 30 minutes he brought his ex fiance up and most of the conversation revolved around that. Whereas he did really put his best foot forward otherwise, unlike your unkempt guy, he didn't call either. Then he hid his profile. Was disappointed for a while until I realized he's just not over his gf cheating. Nothing I can do there. Plus, I checked his facebook, and since I knew her name because he went on ad nauseum about her, realized that if he's not calling me to talk to her he's a terrible decision maker. Thanks for not calling!

 

Just hang in there. I've had a few duds myself. One that should never have made it past a few emails. One guy that gritted his teeth when he talked, didn't move half of his face when he spoke and sounded like an old time Chicago gangster. You have to see it to know how deeply disturbing it looked. Even the waiter looked like a deer in the headlights when he saw it. 2 guys who had clearly gained a ton of weight since their photos. One guy whose photos were about 7-8 years old. Half of the guys lied about their height. I don't care much about height tho.

 

I also gave a couple of guys chances that I might not normally, in the spirit of debunking the theory that I was overly picky. May not be so willing to do that in the future. We'll see.

[Bertram]

I don't understand what your problem is? They are not exactly quality men, so why are you sad that they didn't want to go on another date?

 

If you are just annoyed that you got rejected, well that's the name of the game in online dating. I'm sure that once you get to the meeting stage, women get rejected just as often as men, why would it be any different?

[calendula74]

I guess I am learning the name of the game

 

Since I have been in 2 long term relationships, I have not had much chance to play the "game".

 

Daphne said:

 

"One guy that gritted his teeth when he talked"

 

That made me laugh. That's quite a talent!

[Sunstar]

I don't think you can blame yourself or anything about yourself regarding these dates ending in "rejections". It seems like you simply met some odd guys.

[Mrlonelyone]

It's a numbers game.*

 

Women go on tons of dates trying to find mr right.

 

Men ask out tons of women trying to find a woman willing to date them.

 

 

Sure some people get lucky and win the lotto on the first play but that does not happen often.

 

So just play that numbers game. If date #4 isn't it and 5 isn't it keep going... keep playing because eventually you will win.

 

 

*In heteronormative terms the above is true because of the gender norms our society imposes. Women don't ask men out and so aren't subject to rejection at that point. Women are however subject to rejection after date one.

[calendula74]

So, I went on a nice bike ride and thought about all the feedback I got....

 

Some things that came across my head as riding:

 

So there is a whole gray area between charming imperfections to total deal-breakers.

 

In that area there is: annoying habits, red flags, quirkyness, charming unique traits and all.

 

For some person a hairy ear would be a charming imperfection, for another a total deal-breaker.

 

I guess in my case I was not too sure if I was ready to completely dismiss someone because they wore stretch top pants or had acne or were not taller than me. I mean yes, they are definitely drawbacks, but not complete deal-breakers. So yes I might sounded like I was above them, but I am sure I have my own weird draw backs too.

 

And I admit, I think it's mostly my ego that's bruised in this process. I am sure it happens to men too and women should be on receiving end of it too, but it still s**ks.

 

If I may put it in reverse...how would a guy feel if a pimply, homely girl with stretchy pants said "well, I am just not into you"? Lets say he agreed to go on a date with her because she seemed to have a great personality online?

[CambridgeGirl]

I think it boils down to simples, you had three dates with three unsuitable guys, none of them blew your socks off at all in all honesty, you would just feel good if they wanted to chase you a bit because you are new to online dating and want some confidence. This is natural, but there are 100000's of guys online and as you say, all are going to have either personality or physical traits you don't like to some extent. I rarely fancy anyone I meet and almost never see a picture and think, yep, hot hot hot from someone who has mailed me. The online dating game is tough if you think about it a lot, think less, date more and see what happens. Oh and laugh at the crazies as you go!

[Noor]

Do not ever lose hope. Give younger a chance and talk again and again before making a date.

 

talk about :

Family life

Stability

Satisfaction

Conviction

Magnanimity

Loyalty

Ethics

and see the reaction

 

on the other hand you may give me a chance ( Joke )

 

I wish you luck.