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I think I've figured it out...now what?


fortyninethousand322

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fortyninethousand322

This is extremely long but it needs to be so bear with me. I have become accustomed to reading various threads on here about how people should work on improving themselves to make themselves more attractive to the opposite sex (and for personal reasons as well). Basically the assumption is that if you feel comfortable with yourself and your life other people will too. I always read this and thought “I’m a good looking guy, I work out, eat right, have a good amount of friends. I’ve got nothing to improve.” Well, I did some thinking and I have figured out why I’m not confident or satisfied with my own life and where I’d like to improve.

 

1. The fact that I’m extremely inexperienced when it comes to women aside form a few dates here and there. I would have thought that by the time I was 23 I would have at least kissed a girl, had a girlfriend (maybe even a serious one) etc. I haven’t, and this has really gotten me down the past few months, especially now that I’m getting ready to be done with school where I thought I would have met someone. I would like to meet someone in the near future, but don’t really have a lot of optimism about it.

 

2. My living situation: I live with my parents as I have all my life. There are five of us sharing a small townhouse. I share a small 9’ by 10’ room with my younger brother, and the last time I had my own room I was 3 years old. I don’t mind living with my parents (for the time being) aside from the lack of space. Obviously, some women might find it a turnoff that I not only live with my parents but I also don’t even my own room. But, as much as that may be an issue, I’d like my own space for me, regardless of whether I ever meet someone. The room is crowded two grown men sharing such a small room is bound to cause issues. I haven’t asked my brother how he feels about it but I’m fairly certain he feels the same way. Eventually I plan on moving out but I don’t have the means to do so and won’t for another year or so (at best). In the meantime this remains to be something that bothers me.

 

3. Job/education: As mentioned above, I’m about to graduate in May with a degree in Middle East Studies. My original plan was to work for the federal government or a think tank in the intelligence/analyst/state department type field, and then eventually go to grad school. All the jobs and internships (both paid and unpaid) that I applied for have not panned out. I have a part time retail job that helps me pay for essentials (gas, cell phone, car insurance, helping out my parents, going out money etc.) but it’s obviously not something I’d like to do with my life, so I’m going to be graduating with absolutely no work experience related to my field. I could go to grad school next year, but I’m burned out, I need to take a break since I’ve been in school for 18 straight years. I could also probably find a job that would send me overseas (which would be fine) but I feel like I would end up spending a few months/years overseas and would come back still inexperienced with women (the dating prospects in the Middle East would not be too extensive aside from coworkers) and I would still be miserable in that sense.

 

Essentially, I feel like these three things are bothering me and affecting my confidence. I’d love to solve them, but part of me thinks they require contradictory solutions: I could solve any two, but all three together would be a problem. Basically, I’d like a job that utilizes my talents/knowledge/expertise(doesn’t need to be the best paying job ever just enough to live on), my own place, and a girlfriend (although I’d settle for a consistent dating life). Am I being unrealistic here?

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Professor X

Why do you think the solution to 2 out of the 3 problems will contradict the 3rd one?

The way I see it, they are all connected.

You find a job -> save money for a house or just rent a place -> increase the circle of women who will find you attractive (you got a career and a place of your own).

 

Just pin the basic thing first, which is a job.

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fortyninethousand322
Why do you think the solution to 2 out of the 3 problems will contradict the 3rd one?

The way I see it, they are all connected.

You find a job -> save money for a house or just rent a place -> increase the circle of women who will find you attractive (you got a career and a place of your own).

 

Just pin the basic thing first, which is a job.

 

I feel like that search will take a while (which is fine I'll keep plugging away like I always do). But do I avoid attempts at dating in the meantime?

 

Basically here's my concern: I go get a job I'm not happy with just to get money so I can get my own place and get a girlfriend. A few years down the line I'm married I got a child or two, I'm otherwise happy with my marriage but dissatisfied with my career and have no prospects to change it. Or, I go get a job that sends me overseas. I come back with money and maybe a stateside job, but still completely inexperience with women. This is my concern, and why I think it could be contradictory.

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Eddie Edirol

While youre meeting girls your age, you have to take the attitude that your living situation isnt an issue. You dont even bring it up. Your ambition to succeed at your age is pretty attractive to girls your age anyway. You stay confident with that. You will be able to live on your own not long after you get a decent job. I actually wish I had a plan at your age.

 

Think about it this way, if you actually had been dating girls in your league, you wouldnt be stressin your living situation so much, because the girls would have liked you regardless of that. Thats how you have to think.

 

At this point in your life, its not all about you living with your parents. You have a car, which is a good deal at 23. If you know how to treat a woman well, they will stick with you.

 

All you have to do after that is make sure youre not clingy, you stay confident, and you make sure she knows you dont NEED her, dont fall in love with anyone until youre 26, and then you wont get easily heartbroken. Remember, girls your age are still discovering who they are, and what they want, and this is a big transision point for them, so you might not want to stick with someone just yet at 23.

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fortyninethousand322
While youre meeting girls your age, you have to take the attitude that your living situation isnt an issue. You dont even bring it up. Your ambition to succeed at your age is pretty attractive to girls your age anyway. You stay confident with that. You will be able to live on your own not long after you get a decent job. I actually wish I had a plan at your age.

 

Think about it this way, if you actually had been dating girls in your league, you wouldnt be stressin your living situation so much, because the girls would have liked you regardless of that. Thats how you have to think.

 

At this point in your life, its not all about you living with your parents. You have a car, which is a good deal at 23. If you know how to treat a woman well, they will stick with you.

 

All you have to do after that is make sure youre not clingy, you stay confident, and you make sure she knows you dont NEED her, dont fall in love with anyone until youre 26, and then you wont get easily heartbroken. Remember, girls your age are still discovering who they are, and what they want, and this is a big transision point for them, so you might not want to stick with someone just yet at 23.

 

Thanks. The living situation thing is partly about what girls think but much more about my own feelings. I don't like sharing a room, my brother's a great guy and all but it's just not how I'd prefer to live. That being said I guess I just have to find a way to be content with the situation for the time being.

 

The part I bolded: I think that's usually something that just happens no matter how much you plan it to happen or not. I don't think I'm ready to settle down and get married yet, but I do think I'm ready (been ready) to at least have a relationship.

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