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He sabotaged 1st date showed late and drunk. 1st email included and more to come


orion1010

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I’m recently single. Got out of a 3 year relationship and was engaged. I was set up on blind date through a coworker. His name is Ryan.. We decided to have our first date at a sports bar/restaurant playing cards over drinks. At this type of bar this is typical. He showed up at my place 40 minutes late and completely WASTED! Immediately after he came into my house he was very physical. Trying to hug, kiss, very touchy feely.. I was a very overwhelmed. I was angry and gave him the speech on how I think that is disrespectful and rude showing up like that. I told him I could have made other plans.. I was no longer in the mood to go to the restaurant and he almost looked like he felt so bad he was about to cry. Needless to say the night was out the window so I started drinking and he stopped. We stayed up until 4 am just talking and being touchy feely. He stayed the night but I didn’t have sex with him.

 

He opened up a lot while we were in bed just lying there talking.. then out of the blue, he says “just so you know I could totally rape you right now”. Again, I was overwhelmed. In a joking way I said, “no you couldn’t/wouldn’t b/c I would kick your ass”. Then he said, “no, I could if I wanted to”. Then I changed subject. We talked a little more and feel asleep. In the morning, I woke up and he was gone. No call the next day or anything. Finally two days later, I received this email from him. Real names x’d out

 

Hey xxxxxxxx. So, I have a lot to address and share with you... not only do I owe it to you but I just want to explain some things.

 

Even though you were pretty gracious and still hung out with me and let me stay for some reason, I still know that I gave pretty much the worst first impression ever... or at least that I am able to give. So come yesterday morning I felt ridiculous and like a complete idiot... and with proper reasoning. What made it even worse is that I had to leave right away when I got up, because I was late for leaving to Milwaukee, AND my phone battery was dead so I couldn't call you to talk about it either. And I'm pretty sure that made it look like I didn't care even more. But I do.

 

I had my night planned out much differently than what went down and it was me and my stupid drinking that messed it up entirely. For some reason I drank a lot pretty quickly at the bar where we went out for happy hour, and i stayed too late, obviously... I am a HUGE advocate of not driving drunk too, so that portion of the night also made me really regret what I did. You had a great idea for a date with me and I had it all available and I screwed up... so all I have to ask for is that we can do what we actually intended on another Friday and that you'll allow me the chance to try to salvage any of it. I totally understood what you said at your place though about how it came off and that you won't allow that for a relationship to be like that. I can tell you that I genuinely care about people and even tohugh I don't know you, I do care about you and I actually was really excited about the date, but I got way too messed up and after this weekend I think I should change my habits when it comes to drinking in certain situations. I'll definitely be up for talking more about it with you if you have questions for me or want to rip on me and make me feel worse than I do :). It'd be understandable.

 

I hope I didn't hurt your feelings by leaving you without saying anything on Saturday. I didn't leave like that because I didn't want to be there or I felt like it was a mistake or anything. I was just freaked out and slightly confused and in "oh ****!" mode. I even remember doing the immediate straight sit-up right when I woke up. I was surprised that didn't wake you, or me getting up, so I figured you were in deep sleep and I didn't necessarily want to wake you from that. You looked very peaceful :).

 

What would be your first impression on this entire thing? More to come b/c I did agree to a second date but I have to get ready for work and don't have much more time.. I will post our next few emails and explain more.. We have hung out three times since and I want to first know your initial impression before I post more. Perhaps, I will just keep this thread going as a log for the first guy I've dated in over three years.

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Yes, I was a little stupid and agreed to second date. I will just post the rest of emails before I get ready for work to give you guys an idea of what were were thinking.. after that I can go into the second time we met up and even the third.. So sorry to be so brief right now.. must get ready for work..

 

the rest of the emails before second date.

 

Ryan,

I just want to say thanks for the kindness you tried to express in this email. I’m really not sure where to start so I guess I will just say how I feel.

 

That night when you finally called me AFTER the date should have even began, I was thinking you didn’t even care that we had a “date” to begin with. I was thinking I should have just made other plans, particularly because you were so late. I asked Karen if she knew a nice guy for me to meet and she suggested you. Then we made plans and you called me after 8 pm when we should have already started the date to get directions (which you should have already done.. even the night before…. MAPQUEST)??

 

I took the entire thing as a serious date, open to meet someone new and it felt like you wanted to sabotage things before we even met. I went into a “blind” date with no expectations and I don’t know you but, based on that night it felt like you didn’t want to know me. This is all fine… but please don’t send me a pity email to try and make things more comfortable for you. Also, when you say you were THAT freaked out about me where you had an “oh ****” moment where you sprung straight up from sleep makes me feel like you thought that you did make mistake staying the night. Yes, I was a little hurt you didn’t call or even TEXT me. I just woke up and you were gone, which made me relieved we didn’t mess around.

 

So here is the thing…. After you finally got here, late… and before you left without a phone call or even a text… I think we clicked personality wise and we had chemistry between us. Despite the fact that I feel as though we had chemistry, I can’t actively pursue you because I apparently freak you out. If I have misunderstood your email, then please make me understand.

 

Despite the beginning and end of that date, when we were able to talk, I was interested in getting to know you.

 

 

 

[COLOR=#3b5998] [/COLOR]

xxxxxxxx [COLOR=#777777]April 4 at 6:15am [/COLOR][COLOR=#3b5998]Report[/COLOR]

I wasn't freaked out about you at all. The "oh ****" moment that I told you about was because I was finally in a state of mind where I realized what happened and that I made an ass of myself and totally ruined the plans I made for our date and already was late for the plans I made on Saturday.

 

And I know this all probably seems like a pity email but that's not the reason for it. It's pretty much a necessity for me to write this because it's who I am. I did make plans, and I actually did have directions in my car (someone from work actually made a map for me and explained it, otherwise, yes, I am a big fan of mapquest) and I do have GPS in my car, but I was just so messed up at the time and sadly, I barely remember driving. So I screwed up big time in the hours before our date, and right now I'm not a big fan of the idea of drinking because of what I did.

 

So to sum it all up, I was probably the biggest bastard that I can be, but you DON'T freak me out, so I would think it would be awesome if I could try again in the future to have the date we originally planned. I think it's pretty amazing that you still met up with me and were nice enough to let me stay. So thank you for that. It's even more amazing that you got along with me too. I keep typing more things here but I think I have probably tried to express enough.... I'll leave the rest up to you... :p

 

-xxxxx!

 

 

 

 

 

[COLOR=#3b5998] [/COLOR]

xxxxxxx [COLOR=#777777]April 4 at 10:37am [/COLOR]

Ryan,

 

Thanks for clarifying things more. I had to admit, I was a little entertained during our date base on your condition at the time. I was happy to let you stay because I didn’t want you driving in that condition. If I would have known you drank that much, I wouldn’t have let you drive to my house. I’m just glad nothing bad happened to you.

 

I’m sorry if it seems that I responded so negatively, it’s just hard for me to read emotion through email and it was hard for me to see where you were coming from and perhaps I’m not very good at dating. I didn’t make the best decisions that night as well in some ways. I usually don’t have drunk guys sleep over I’ve never met. It’s risky and a little dangerous so please don’t get the wrong idea about me as well. :)

 

I don’t want you to feel like you owe it to me to make things up to me because you already have by saying the things you did. I'm totally for a second date with our original plans as well.

 

Talk to you soon!

 

xxxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

[COLOR=#3b5998] [/COLOR]

xxxxxxx [COLOR=#777777]April 4 at 4:46pm [/COLOR][COLOR=#3b5998]Report[/COLOR]

:) thanks... you've been way too nice, and I do owe something to you for that. So I decided that I'll give you my body for free since I usually make people pay. You can do anything with it that you please but I do have 3 rules:

 

1) No anal, please and thank you.

2) The safe word is "Cleopatra"

3) You do not talk about fight club.

 

I don't know where I am going with this, but I am in a fun mood right now so I just wanted to write something fun. I hope you like fun. If so, I would like to have fun together with you.

 

OKBYE!

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Ok, so you went on a second date with this guy. And you are teasing us by telling us the first part of the story.

 

My impression of your story so far is that this guy is a complete nightmare. A guy who drinks too much and drives. Such a nightmare that I would never have had anything to do with him every again.

 

I was in a similar situation with a guy who claimed he was dropped a mickey on his first date. We had a long email interchange in which I concluded that he was loco for cocoa puffs.

 

Grabbing popcorn.

Edited by Cee
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as a recovered alcoholic- it is against your best judgement to see him again.

 

WHY are you even considering it?

 

you rewarded his bad behavior on the first date - he's looking for more of the same from you in the future...

 

he stated he COULD rape you - isn't THAT enough for you to run FAR away and never to speak to this jerk again?

 

if it's not - what is? does he really need to keep his word (rape you) for you to understand this guy is trouble and you are inviting him in for more?

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OP,

 

I'm sorry but it seems like you have no standards at all if you were willing to give this guy a 2nd date.

 

He showed up to your date drunk! and late to boot!

then tells you he could rape you?!

 

look, you gave him your little "this is so disrespectful" speech, but the point is, you still went with him the bar/grill place, and he ended up in your bed (even if you didn't have sex) - and that was all right after your little speech.

 

You set the boundaries and standards and expectations on the first few dates with someone, and now you're showing him that its ok to be disrespectful, its ok to be a drunk, to drive drunk, to show up late, that's all ok, as long as its followed up with an apology email.

 

Its your life and obviously you can do whatever you want, but if he was like that from the get-go - don't expect improvements.

 

Good luck to the both of you. :)

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:) thanks... you've been way too nice, and I do owe something to you for that. So I decided that I'll give you my body for free since I usually make people pay. You can do anything with it that you please but I do have 3 rules:

 

1) No anal, please and thank you.

2) The safe word is "Cleopatra"

3) You do not talk about fight club.

 

I don't know where I am going with this, but I am in a fun mood right now so I just wanted to write something fun. I hope you like fun. If so, I would like to have fun together with you.

 

OKBYE!

Ok , I am trying to ignore the rape comment and the fact that he ended up at your house but WTF is this?

Did we miss something ? Is there a couple emails missing that lead to the quoted email from him. I seriously can't stop laughing.

Edited by SmileFace
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as a recovered alcoholic- it is against your best judgement to see him again.

 

WHY are you even considering it?

 

you rewarded his bad behavior on the first date - he's looking for more of the same from you in the future...

 

he stated he COULD rape you - isn't THAT enough for you to run FAR away and never to speak to this jerk again?

 

if it's not - what is? does he really need to keep his word (rape you) for you to understand this guy is trouble and you are inviting him in for more?

 

Couldn't have said it better - any man who would bring up the fact that he could rape you in your own home is someone to be avoided at all costs. Why is th OP encouraging this man? How is his behavior in any way justifiable?

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I'm sorry, I don't know how to do the multiple quote feature on this website again so I hope this reply does not seem too messy.

 

Smile face-That was just a random email from him. He said the reason for that one was because he was just happy that I agreed to a second date via IM messenger. He entertains me and I think I put up with this due to low self esteem due to my engadgment ending. That email made me laugh a little.

 

Tiger cub-Thanks for your reply and after thinking about what you've said, I agree.. and I think I knew all along I did lower my standards.. I guess getting back into the dating world is not easy and I'm not very good at it. Perhaps, me being a little lonely after my breakup causes me to make bad decisions. That's why I'm here. To seek active sound advice from people like you. Thank you.

 

2Sunny-I asked my friend who set me up on this blind date about the rape comment. she said I shouldn't take that comment serious b/c he jokes around. I still felt alittle weird about the comment. I did ask him about it and he said he does not even remember saying b/c he was so drunk.

 

Cee- I agree, i was a complete nightmare. I guess I don't know how to date anymore and trying to figure myself out. I tell myself i can do better and I'm trying to build my confidence up and just put myself out there again. even if the date is really horrific. I'm not trying to tease you on the rest of the story. Right now, I have to leave in min for work. the second date, I actually was the one in the wrong which i will explain more then. I ruined it.

 

I thank everyone on here who gives me advice. I'm lost in general due to my break up but ready to date. I haven't dated in years. I think writing on here will help me evaluate things. I will not take offence if anyone wants to be real and say how they feel. i need and outside perspective on things. Tonight after work, I'm writing more. Thanks guys!

 

~O

 

ps, how do i quote multiple posts in one reply??? I will have to figure this out for future replys to your questions and for my own.

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SweetDaphne

Back away now! No better yet, turn and RUN!!!!

 

Strike 1) Late for picking you up on the first date.

Strike 2 and 3) Shows up drunk at your house. Drives Drunk to you house.

Strike 4) Mentions he 'could Rape you at anytime'

Strike 5) Bolts in the morning without any explanation

Strike 6) Doesn't call or text you - leaves it to an e-mail? Can we say chicken?

Strike 7) I think we get the point.... and there's too many additional strikes that I really don't have the time to write on here.

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lol.. yes! He is really hot. I'm not going to say that I'm vain, but I think I've worked hard at my looks. workout, have pretty face, great job, nice friends.. etc.. I'm a looker too! At least I'm confident in that area of dating. I'm just WAY out of practice and don't even know dating etiquite anymore as you can tell. :o

 

A little background on him. He has had only one long term relationship. single for thel last 2 years. no kids. Claims he's not had sex in a year which I believe based on what my friend says of him. he admits he has anxitey which i do too. I admits to being shy in social situations sometimes.. He also says he doesn't date often. So for both of us.. things are very strange.

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:sick:

 

Rrright.

 

You both need help.

Haha, with this guys track history I wouldn't doubt that he is serious. I reread that email over a couple of times and each time I think he is more serious. When I read it and try not to connect it with the thread it seems funny but together. Seriously chick?

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lol.. yes! He is really hot. I'm not going to say that I'm vain, but I think I've worked hard at my looks. workout, have pretty face, great job, nice friends.. etc.. I'm a looker too! At least I'm confident in that area of dating. I'm just WAY out of practice and don't even know dating etiquite anymore as you can tell. :o

 

A little background on him. He has had only one long term relationship. single for thel last 2 years. no kids. Claims he's not had sex in a year which I believe based on what my friend says of him. he admits he has anxitey which i do too. I admits to being shy in social situations sometimes.. He also says he doesn't date often. So for both of us.. things are very strange.

 

Yes, we can tell you are out of practice. Really. :confused: As far as what he SAYS:

 

one long term relationship -- wow, shocker!

no sex in a year -- but he's already discussing sex with you, a practical stranger? and sleeping in your bed? and talking about raping you? Yeah, sounds like he's super shy and abstained from sex for a year. Please! :rolleyes: Why would you even believe this?!?!

 

Seriously, could this guy give you anymore signs that he is a total D-BAG? Why are you making excuse after excuse for someone you went on one "date" with? He sounds disgusting, hot or not. Ick!

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welikeincrowds
“just so you know I could totally rape you right now”

 

I stopped reading right here. This is unacceptable. **** the rest of this story and cancel your date.

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So as you can see, we planned a second date for the next Sat night. I was not exactly the best company. I went out the night before with my friends and stayed out too late drinking. By saturday, I was a complete mess and hungover. I broke our orignal plans and decided I just wanted to stay in and hang out. I know.. lame of me but I didn't care at that point because of our first date. I warned him before he came over, that I'm not really feeling it that night and was tired. He said he will come over with some goodies.. I wondered what that meant but agreed to see him.

 

He came over with a deck of cards and a movie he wanted me to watch b/c it's his favorite. We tried playing cards over a glass of wine but I was just not in the mood. I said sorry. I kind of just wanted him to leave because I was hungover. We ended up watching a couple movies and just chatting. This time around he was really trying, being respectful, and asking me questions about me. I felt bad. To sum it up, I ruined the second date becasue of my actions the night before. So.. that's 2 for 2 dates bombed. He stayed the night and we cuddled and he wasn't weird, like his first impression made him out to be. We woke up in the morning early because I had to work in them morning and he left. We didn't talk until monday on IM messenger.

 

We both work at the same company and talk often on IM messenger at work. While talking on monday, we joked about hiim being at my place after I got done with work at 9 pm. I knew it was a joke b/c he works 1st shift and I work 2nd so we already talked about seeing each other on weekdays is a bad idea.

 

I pull im my driveway late from work and he's been sitting in my driveway for over a half hour waiting for me. I was suprised as hell. I asked why he didn't call me to let me know he was really coming. he agreed that we joked about him coming over but he decided to just show up. So I let him in again and same old thing. we watch tv, talk, and fall asleep early b/c he worked early the next morning.

 

At this point, we've talked a little on messenger yesterday and nothing at all today. I think this bad dating experience is fading away.

 

I have to say that my first experience out in the dating work in 3 years has been both entertaining and yes.. a little scary. I obviously don't take this guy serious in any way but I was happy to at least put myself out there to break the ice getting back into the dating world again. All I can say is I hope things only go up from here.

 

I'm not sure if I will agree to see him again if he comes around again but i won't sleep with him and I honestly think that's all he wanted. I knew I would get slammed a little bit if I posted on here, but that's reality and I needed to hear it.. Thanks! I will keep this going if things happen further, but I'm not going to pursue this guy and don't take him serious in any way.

 

Moviefraud- I do have a lot of respect for myself, I'm just a little down and out getting over my recent breakup. I am not looking for danger or physical injuries and I don't think I'm that naive because I knew what kind of guy in my gut he was. I didn't give him what he wanted. I believe in not sleeping with someone on first dates to keep the guy interested and saving my self respect. But thank you for your input. I can really see where you were coming from.

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Eddie Edirol
lol.. yes! He is really hot. I'm not going to say that I'm vain, but I think I've worked hard at my looks. workout, have pretty face, great job, nice friends.. etc.. I'm a looker too! At least I'm confident in that area of dating. I'm just WAY out of practice and don't even know dating etiquite anymore as you can tell. :o

 

A little background on him. He has had only one long term relationship. single for thel last 2 years. no kids. Claims he's not had sex in a year which I believe based on what my friend says of him. he admits he has anxitey which i do too. I admits to being shy in social situations sometimes.. He also says he doesn't date often. So for both of us.. things are very strange.

 

To do multiple quote, you hit the "Quote +" button for each post you want to post, and the "quote" button for the last one, and you get them all.

 

 

You dont know dating etiquite? All I wanna know is, how can him showing up late and completely drunk not register as a major red flag to you? Would you really give an alcoholic this many excuses and chances just because hes hot? Would you do the same with a not so attractive guy? You aint THAT rusty. I understand if you wanna lower your standards to get laid, just say so.

 

This guy is a major alcoholic, and he will be problems in the future. He's probably single because of his drinking, because no one else will put up with it.

 

That is SOO hilarious that the first time you meet him, he couldnt even hide his addiction, and you and you said "eh, Ill deal with it."

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Well, live and learn! Of course this was going to fizzle quickly. Hopefully you won't put up with such immediate disrespect the next time around :)

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To do multiple quote, you hit the "Quote +" button for each post you want to post, and the "quote" button for the last one, and you get them all.

 

 

You dont know dating etiquite? All I wanna know is, how can him showing up late and completely drunk not register as a major red flag to you? Would you really give an alcoholic this many excuses and chances just because hes hot? Would you do the same with a not so attractive guy? You aint THAT rusty. I understand if you wanna lower your standards to get laid, just say so.

 

This guy is a major alcoholic, and he will be problems in the future. He's probably single because of his drinking, because no one else will put up with it.

 

That is SOO hilarious that the first time you meet him, he couldnt even hide his addiction, and you and you said "eh, Ill deal with it."

 

Cool! Thanks for the quote advice. It was a total red flag to me he showed up the way he did and I expressed that via email and in person the next time we saw each other. Our second date he showed up sober and he claims he doesn't drink all week. Of course I don't know if that's the truth. I won't put up with it in terms of thinking long term with this guy or any guy.. I just ran with this one out of the idea of getting myself to date again. Plus, I was entertained by the big ass he made of himself.. I don't know.. Am I a bad person for saying that?

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Well, live and learn! Of course this was going to fizzle quickly. Hopefully you won't put up with such immediate disrespect the next time around :)

 

 

I love how you say that. Fizzle quickly. This was my first date in over 3 years.. I went with it.. Next time.. now way! I won't let it get past 5 minutes if the guys is anything like this. ;)

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Eddie Edirol
I won't put up with it in terms of thinking long term with this guy or any guy.. I just ran with this one out of the idea of getting myself to date again. Plus, I was entertained by the big ass he made of himself.. I don't know.. Am I a bad person for saying that?

 

Aight long as you dont see him in terms of long term. If you see it as a train wreck and wanna watch, well no , youre not a bad person for saying that.

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What would be your first impression on this entire thing? More to come b/c I did agree to a second date but I have to get ready for work and don't have much more time.. I will post our next few emails and explain more.. We have hung out three times since and I want to first know your initial impression before I post more. Perhaps, I will just keep this thread going as a log for the first guy I've dated in over three years.

 

My first impression would be to tell him to leave if he came drunk and late to pick me up for a date. I'm very picky though and I have no problem saying no to men who can't control their alcohol intake.

 

One thing you might want to consider if you pursue a relationship with this guy is that many people who are addicted to alcohol and consume more than they should have the following issues:

 

1. They often cause accidents while driving drunk.

2. They often abuse their loved ones in a fit of anger. (In many women's shelters, sad to say, many of the cases have to do with women fleeing because of a drunk boyfriend/husband. Some say that when he is not drinking, he's a good guy. The problem is when he drinks, he becomes violent. Not all drunk guys or girls behave that way, but many times when they're already stressed or when something little angers them, some drunk people start getting violent.)

3. This is hard to change... I would advise being a friend to him until he gets his act together.

4. If he has accountability, that would really help... like if he was in AA or something similar. You might want to ask him about that should you continue this relationship. Without accountability though, you're in a for some sort of trouble if he continues this and it's a habit for him.

 

Anyways, back to first impressions, I personally think you would save yourself a lot of heartache and pain if you don't pursue anything romantic with this man. So many people try to have relationships with people who are addicted to alcohol, and so many people are hurt by them. :(

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I stopped reading right here. This is unacceptable. **** the rest of this story and cancel your date.

 

Agreed,

 

If it's a joke, it's not a good one.

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i think you chose it - because you are an equally unhealthy gal.

 

counseling might help you find out why you are CHOOSING to participate in all these unhealthy situations.

 

please stop drinking - you're going to hurt yourself and possibly others.

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makelemonade1974

Please take this advice from someone who spent a lot of time with the wrong guys in dysfunctional relationships because I didn't think I could do any better (which is ridiculous because I'm cute, intelligent and a great catch). I don't care how hot he is. If he's that hot, then screw him, kick him out and don't have anymore contact with him.

 

Sometimes you just have to be patient. There are a lot of men out there that are single - a LOT. You deserve someone who has it together and treats you with the respect you deserve.

 

I was married to an alcoholic for 9 years. He was dry most of the time, but I remember the times he wasn't quite clearly. I had children with him and they have some pretty awful memories too. It's not worth it. This guy has problems with alcohol. Do yourself a favor and find somebody else who is less messed up. You deserve better.

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