andreautick Posted October 15, 2003 Share Posted October 15, 2003 Meet two men: Man number 1: 25, has career goals, and no intention of EVER getting married and having kids (both of which are the things I want most out of life). Is a very good person, and we have dated for a year. Has dumped me 4 times in the past 7 months (because of his fear of marriage and kids--even though I've never preassured him about it), and now we are back together and he is being an angel--he's been the best boyfriend ever...besides the fact we're both so busy that we barely see eachother. Has been great this week, and we have some really happy memories and I love him...but there are a lot of things that point to us not being meant for eachother--but he's been so darling lately. Just incredibly sweet. Man number 2: 22, is going to college and is in ROTC. We live in the same dorm (we're both Juniors in college). He has a very similar major to mine. He is also dreamy gorgeous and a total gentleman. This guy has gone WAY out of his way to get to know me, and has asked me on a date, which we are going on soon...he does not know I am seeing someone right now. This is the type of guy who no girl would turn down for a date, and the type of guy I've always dreamed of. Yet, I haven't gotten to know him very well yet. If something were to start with him, it'd have to start on a clean slate (i.e., without guy number 1 in the picture). I love guy number 1, and he's been just wonderful lately. On the same note, he has dumped me 4 times, and never wants to get married or have kids . Guy number 2 is an unknown quantity, but I'm so attracted tohim on so many levels...and I don't want to give up a chance with him. What should I do?? Keep in mind, I'm not the type of girl who gets into situations like this very often. In fact, I never do. Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 I don't think being with either one is a good idea right now. Choice no. 1 has dumped you time and time again. Even if he's being sweet to you now, chances are, based on his past behaviour, he's going to dump you again and break your heart. Each time you took him back you sent him the message that it was ok to treat you like this. This is simply not acceptable behaviour. You don't treat someone you love this way. He's being wishy-washy and doesn't seem capable of making a decision and sticking to it. Besides, why do you want to be with someone who doesn't share the same dreams (marriage, children) as you do? Choice no. 2 - you're intending to go out on a date with him while still with bachelor no. 1. I don't think this is such a good idea. You need to end relationship no. 1 first before starting up with this guy. Cheating is never a good idea. Should you end things with guy no. 1, I suggest you take some time to get to know yourself better and to heal before jumping into another relationship so soon. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 Break up with #1. THere's no future with him. You said it yourself, you want to get married and have kids. He doesn't. It's easy as that. It's gonna end someday, might as well be now. At least there's another guy you're interested in. Link to post Share on other sites
vixen Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 i hate to admit it but i agree. Sadly i know that haveing a new guy lined up not only dulls the pain of dumping the old one, it's the only remidy i know for heart ache. I do agree you should be true to you, and learn about yourself and then when you love you and know what you want, then date, but easier said then done. Trust me, i know. I think, you should go with your instinks and fallow your heart. There is the possibilty you can go to guy 1 and say, "i think we should see other people" meaning not be seriouse about the relationship, allowing you both to date others. Then be honest to all those you date. If this independant streak doesn't send guy 1 begging for your commitment, then he realy wasn't for you was he? And it's always best to test the dateing waters when you get into funks like this. Just MHO Vixen Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 I dunno about the seeing other people thing. I'm sure most of the time that just ends up hurting people rather than things working out at the end. Link to post Share on other sites
vixen Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 i've never done it myself, i just know it's done. I couldn't do it realy i mean i teld to get all mixed up in this sort of thing. I came close to doing it in highschool and it was so confuseing and emotional. Maybe i did do it.... LOL anywho, it was a thought, i know that that does'nt work for everyone. Vixen Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 And if you guys do decide to see other people, you probably won't, but he probably will, and it will drive you CRAZY that he's going out with other women and potentially sleeping with them. Are you ready to deal with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author andreautick Posted October 16, 2003 Author Share Posted October 16, 2003 The one thing about guy number one is he never really goes out searching for women (he wasn't searching for me), probably because of his commitment issues. If love happens to him, great, but he doesn't try to pick girls up. So, if we did decide to "see other people" he probably wouldn't--he's way toobusy anyway, he can barely handle me and I am low-maintenence. I wouldn't do that though. I mean, either you're broken up or you're not. I would break up with him and leave the door open to get back together....but Kevin, you were right, it's never going to work--unless he magically changes, and how likely is that? (not very). Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 There is the tiny chance that he could be saying all that just to surprise you and propose to you. Like Chandler on Friends. I...uh...was going for that angle but my girlfriend ended up thinking I didn't want to get married ever so that backfired but I set her straight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author andreautick Posted October 16, 2003 Author Share Posted October 16, 2003 Well, that is a lovely thought and I truly wish that was the circumstance!! Way to put a positive spin on things. I know it's true that he doesn't want to ever get married or have kids, because we've been through so much tumult over it and he still says it'll never change. He says that it is based on watching his parents horrible marriage in his childhood. He has told me that his career will be the most important thing in his life, even if he does get married. Oh wait! He did give me a great offer "Just wait 10 or 15 years, and we can get married. Between college and then I'll travel the world and you can travel the world--but we'll travel in different places, and we can just call eachother every 2 weeks." I hope he was kidding.... Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 Good lord. I have a feeling he wasn't. Blaming not wanting to get married on his parents is SUCH a cheap cop out, that's pretty friggin' lame. My parents had an explosive divorce, I watched my dad toss a vase towards my mom when I was 10 and I'm not afraid of love or marriage. Sh*t happens to everyone. You're doing the right thing. And...I don't know how to feel about his career being ahead of you. I think that's a gigantic cop out, myself, but others may feel differently. A job's a job, it ain't that hard to find one if you're qualified, but finding true love? Ah...that's something that only comes around once. Link to post Share on other sites
Author andreautick Posted October 16, 2003 Author Share Posted October 16, 2003 I agree, they are both cop-outs. I have watched my Dad hit my mom on 3 occasions, at one point I had to pull my Dad off of my Mom as he was slapping her around...and I still really want to get married and have kids. And career, he wants to be an atheletic trainer to a major sports team. Which is great, but it doesn't mean you can't have a family. Whatever... Well, I know I have to dump him, but it's just so hard when he's being so sweet. He's being the best he's ever been, and that's just really hard. I guess I'll know when the time is right?? Thanks for all your input:) Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 The longer it'll take, the harder it'll be to do. Maybe you should just absolutely clarify that he doesn't want to get married or have kids, and when he says no, just say, "Then I think we shouldn't see anymore because I WANT to get married and have kids." Link to post Share on other sites
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