If you get a 'warning' message from other people, do you stay away?

[curlygirl40]

This is kind of a general question, but of course I have a reason to ask it.

 

I've been dating a guy for about 3 weeks, nothing serious. Some recent red flags about his personality have kept me from thinking he's 'relationship material'.

 

Today I get a call from him. He asked me if I had gotten any calls/e-mails/texts about him. I tell him no.

 

So then he goes on to tell me a friend of his, who he met on match about a year ago but is no longer dating, just got a message from a girl who will not identify herself, telling her that she should stay away from him.

 

He's assuming that his match account got hacked by an ex, since he said he always uses the same password for things and he has had a couple of LTR's where it's possible they knew that password.

 

So I know I have heard from some of you that you have gotten (maybe sent?) the same sort of messages.

 

What do you assume at that point? Sour grapes? Truth to the matter? Jealousy?

 

With no other details and red flags already, I'm tempted to run like hell! Even though I didn't get the message, the fact that he told me another girl he dated did makes me think twice about a lot of things.

 

Your thoughts?

 

Curly. And today...frizzy.

[carhill]

What are the personality red-flags?

 

I think you were served up a drama disclaimer.

[Leeway Harris]

You really only have your own instincts to go on here. He could be a psycho, or his ex could equally be a psycho. He had a bad breakup, evidently, but other than that, you have no more information than you started with.

 

Probably if there hadn't been these other "red flags" you wouldn't think much of this new development.

 

Pretend you never got this call. Would you still want to stop seeing him? Go with that.

[stace79]

I agree that I wouldn't let this other information affect me. I would seriously examine the other "red flags" you mention though. Your gut is usually right.

[curlygirl40]

If I didn't get that call today I would still see him, to see where it went. But with my eyes wide the hell open! Just because of the other red flags.

 

The other red flags are:

 

He's very intense and the contact was almost too much in the beginning. Calling me 4x a day, texting in between. The calls were quick 'hey, what are you up to? More chit chat, well I'm walking into a meeting at work so I'll talk to you later' kind of calls. Most just 5 ish minutes. But still, 4x a day.

 

My take on guys who contact you a lot is that they NEED that contact in return.

 

Also I think when guys come on that strong in the beginning, they are going to fizzle just as quickly. So I was almost waiting for it to happen.

 

The second week the contact got to the point of more normal for me (1 call a day, sometimes texting in between), so maybe that was just a sort of 'beginning honeymooon phase' as far as the contact went.

 

Second red flag. Sometimes I wonder if he actually 'liked' women. Little comments he made about his mom (who was married 7 times and brought random men home throughout his life, so I understood where the comments were coming from, but still that's gotta do some damage), and other comments made about women. Nothing very rude or obvious, but enough for me to think 'hmmmm'.

 

Third red flag. Seems to have trust issues. Says he has a very hard time opening up.

 

Fourth red flag. Some of the stories he told me didn't make sense. And as Judge Judy says 'if they don't make sense they aren't true'.

 

Example: His story today about this girl who contacted him telling him that an ex contacted her. He told me that they kept in touch as friends, and that she has a boyfriend now. Well, if she has a boyfriend why is she on match? And if she has his phone number (he said they text sometimes), why is she contacting him through match? Why wouldn't she just call or text him?

 

So again, things that could be explained. She could have a boyfriend but still have an account with match. I did that recently. Dated a guy for 2.5 months, had my profile hidden at the time, but my account was still active. So they could be explained, but it doesn't make much sense to me.

 

Another red flag (lost count LOL) is that he did seem to make things a bigger deal than they were (drama!).

 

Now, I'm in my 40's. I have met very few men that didn't have their share of 'baggage'. BUT I'm also not looking for my next husband at this point (just ended 18 year marriage). So I'm not looking to take their baggage and unpack it in my closet. So there are things I will overlook at this early stage, and just see where it goes, how it plays out.

 

I have to say that he also has a lot of good to him, I think. Opened doors for me always, treated me respectfully, and things like that. My gut is telling me that he is a good person deep down but just has been hurt in the past and has some issues that he's still dealing with.

 

Thank you guys for your input!! I think I'm done with this one. Too much 'stuff'. We all have our 'stuff', the question is how much are we willing to deal with?? And I think I have my answer on this one.

[carhill]

Thanks. Not a bad supposition on my part... wrt drama disclaimer

 

So, you're three weeks from stranger and he's already telling you about serial marrying mom and her harem of men? That's a clue train if I ever saw one.

 

If joe average carhill dumped that kind of stuff on *any* date, she'd be gone in a flash. So, I must surmise charm and pleasant appearance are balancing this dynamic, though precariously.

 

I think back to the drama queens I tolerated (or 'hurt women', as appropriate) and even loved and, yeah, there was charm and pleasant appearance, along with some pretty lousy boundaries on my part.

 

Of course, then again, this guy could be a real gem and just so incredibly unfortunate that he gets all this negative attention. When you're popular, people are always taking pot shots at you. Maybe that's it. Any insight there?

[curlygirl40]

Oh did I forget to mention that he's HOT! LOL Just kidding. He's got the looks but for me it was that instant connection we made when we met. Immediately felt something for this guy.

 

I also typically tend to be 'too nice' (my friends say) and I almost always give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm not the kind of girl who thinks she can 'fix people' but I'm usually willing to look the other way at first to see where it goes, if my gut is telling me 'good seed'.

 

However, new development! As I sent that last post to LS I get a text from him. I have not heard from him since he called this afternoon asking me if I had gotten any calls/texts/emails about him.

 

All the text said is 'Want to come over?'. Well it's 8:30 where I am. And homey don't play that. NO I will not come over.

 

I answer him. Nicely. Then 2 minutes later I get a text that says:

 

'Hi sexy. I bet u look hot. Have a great night. Happy Birthday. :-)'

 

Well guess what? It's not my birthday. And I'm sitting on my couch in my jammies. I look precisely 'un-hot'. LOL

 

Launch!!! NEXT!

 

I'm so glad I have a sense of humor, it really gets me far in life.

[curlygirl40]

Oh and Carhill I forgot to say that yes, you called that one! Drama. Good looks. Lack of boundaries that I disquise as 'being nice'. Yup! You're scary good! LOL

 

I read on this site more than I post, I always enjoy your posts!! Thanks

[whichwayisup]

Run....Your gut feels something is off and he isn't long term relationship material, so listen to it.

[DollyGirl12]

Eeeeek,,,just kidding. But when I read this it brought back those memories of my ex. It was before we were actually dating each other and we were just friends. He was seeing another female and she was spending a few days a week at his house (lives with his mom!!! EEEK #2..LOL). He called me one day to ask me if she had called me. I guess she had been going through his phone when he was in the shower and calling females he was texting. Come to find out, he did still have personals up and was "entertaining" other women at the time, not sure about physically, but at least letting them know he was interested. Maybe I should have seen that as a red flag. He had tried to play it off as he was not all that interested in her, and she was moving things to fast. But only weeks before I recall him referring to her as his gf.

Wish I knew then what I later found out.

Anyhow, not sure what the scoop is with the guy you've been seeing, but this post just brought back memories!!

Good luck!

[2sunny]

Oh did I forget to mention that he's HOT! LOL Just kidding. He's got the looks but for me it was that instant connection we made when we met. Immediately felt something for this guy.

 

I also typically tend to be 'too nice' (my friends say) and I almost always give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm not the kind of girl who thinks she can 'fix people' but I'm usually willing to look the other way at first to see where it goes, if my gut is telling me 'good seed'.

 

However, new development! As I sent that last post to LS I get a text from him. I have not heard from him since he called this afternoon asking me if I had gotten any calls/texts/emails about him.

 

All the text said is 'Want to come over?'. Well it's 8:30 where I am. And homey don't play that. NO I will not come over.

 

I answer him. Nicely. Then 2 minutes later I get a text that says:

 

'Hi sexy. I bet u look hot. Have a great night. Happy Birthday. :-)'

 

Well guess what? It's not my birthday. And I'm sitting on my couch in my jammies. I look precisely 'un-hot'. LOL

 

Launch!!! NEXT!

 

I'm so glad I have a sense of humor, it really gets me far in life.

 

ahahahaha, i'd respond with - "you sent this one to the wrong gal" ba bye homey!

[spiderowl]

If he seems to have met a lot of women who've caused him trouble and who seem a bit psycho or were cheaters, then be wary. It's not coincidence that they all happened to know him.

 

If he seems to have problems meeting you on occasions and unlikely things crop up, like car breaking down, extra work, beware. He may be seeing one of the other 'psycho' women who litter his life.

 

If there's a lot of drama and women trying to besmirch his reputation, well maybe they have good cause to.

 

I'm sure there are guys who fall foul of weird women but a guy who appears to be afflicted by them is something else. Failing to meet with you when planned is also something to take note of. Until you've met him and his close friends on his territory (his home, local bar), you don't know him. He could be anybody saying anything.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Date men, not little boys.

[curlygirl40]

Thank you all, you've been incredibly helpful, as always!

 

I'm definitely done with this one. Too much drama.

 

He sent another text after the one to the birthday girl, saying he was sorry and it was supposed to go to a girl he graduated with who was having a big party tonight for her birthday, blah, blah, blah.

 

We're not exclusive, so whatever. But waaaaayy to much strange stuff going on with him.

 

Thanks!

[2sunny]

i think i'd at least send him a text saying his life is full of drama because HE is a schmuck= he participates by sending inappropriate messages then wonders why women get freaked out on him... HE creates this environment for HIMSELF!

 

tell him NO healthy woman would find that appealing... much less attractive.