Unfair of me to cancel the date last minute?

[Girlygirl1977]

I traveled last wk but had started to talk to a guy from online the week before so by this week it was 3 wks. We have talked on the phone a couple of times including this thursday. We agreed to meet sun and he checked in this afternoon to see if we were on for the evening. I said yes and let's talk on the phone before - we had tentatively said 630pm.

 

He called at 430pm (had said he was working on something with ppl) and we agreed on the time again and he said he would send me the place more in my area though would still take me about 20 min+ to get there. He had mentioned he coudl pick me up and I said no I prefer to meet him there (he is still a stranger after all). He ends up sending me a text asking if I have been to two places (still not a real specific location since he is asking) at 610pm and then soon after (and before I could respond bc I was already thinking of bailing at that point), he adds another text saying perhaps I want a ride to his neighborhood (he lives about a 20-30 min drive away).

 

I think this kind of confirmed some things for me - he is pretty unstructured/unorganized and also I thought it was strange he would think I would go in his car to his area. I wrote back and said since he sent it so close to time, I made other plans. I wouldn't get there by 630pm at that point either. I also then called bc I didnt cancel to be mean, but bc it made me uncomfortable and just made me think we are a bad fit.

 

He said he had driven to my part of town and had to find parking etc. So he didn't like what I did.

 

Was I fair or terrible?

[lolo1234]

Were you not that into him to start? I think if you were more interested you would have let it slide. Anyways, I kinda know what you mean I hate it when guys don't make plans until last minute. I feel like they don't care enough to plan things out. That being said, the polite thing to do would have been to show up

[Eddie Edirol]

Youre not very clear here at all, So , you think you werent a good fit because he kept asking to pick you up?

[Girlygirl1977]

Youre not very clear here at all, So , you think you werent a good fit because he kept asking to pick you up?

 

Well at one point in our communications he said some things which were a little strange and I didn't almost respond. He mentioned how he is confident to the point of being cocky and then that he is the sweetest guy I'll ever meet. He also said he is in graphic design but really he is a gifted artist. He is so gifted that he can do most art quite well. He talked about some grand ambitions there but it seems like in his mid-30s he is talking about things which are unlikely to happen - talks big!

 

I almost didn't respond but in the end joked that he is quite modest then. I traveled last wk and he kept in touch with me and when I wrote back he said he thought i didn't like him based on our previous call (I was a bit standoffish bc I am still trying to read him) and so then he's glad I'm giving him a chance.

 

Anyway so those things are the background and make me think who is this guy!? So when we added in this stuff and then him being a bit disorganized - and mentioning if I might want a ride to his area. . .I think I just wanted to bail.

 

Does that make sense?

[Kamille]

I'm confused too.

 

If your gut was telling you something was off, then you're better off canceling the date.

 

But I'm as confused as EE. He offered to pick you up, you said no. He was tentative about the plans (perhaps looking for your input?), then offered to pick you up again, this time to bring you to his hood. He offered this because he was already in your neighborhood. And if we're to understand his last comment, he was in your neighborhood to pick you up. If that is the case, the guy sounds like he struggles to respect boundaries.

[Girlygirl1977]

I'm confused too.

 

If your gut was telling you something was off, then you're better off canceling the date.

 

But I'm as confused as EE. He offered to pick you up, you said no. He was tentative about the plans (perhaps looking for your input?), then offered to pick you up again, this time to bring you to his hood. He offered this because he was already in your neighborhood. And if we're to understand his last comment, he was in your neighborhood to pick you up. If that is the case, the guy sounds like he struggles to respect boundaries.

 

When we spoke at 430pm, we agreed he would send me the place we were going to meet at. Let me be more specific about neighborhood etc. I live in NY/Manhattan and he lives in Brooklyn which is a different borough. So the area we agreed to meet is in Manhattan but not really near me (still takes 20 min or so to get there). So when he said want a ride to Brooklyn? He is saying to go from the place he was (which is still 20 min away from me) to Brooklyn. Is that clearer?

 

I was just looking to hear where I would meet and even at 610pm he is still asking if I have been to one of 2 places in that area. So there was still no plan. How would I travel down there without a place?

 

But my gut did tell me something was off but he seemed nice enough so I concluded he wasn't a jerk or really cocky. But I think perhaps unorganized maybe and not fully mature. Does that provide more details?

 

Btw I told him sorry after the call later and he wrote that he honestly thinks i'm too uptight and then he mentions that his friend told him about a nice place and so he had wanted to offer it to me (I guess in Brooklyn). But I told him - I def didnt know any of that - get real - he never said so. Anyway - I've never had a date with a guy who didn't give me a place to meet on the first date.

[Eddie Edirol]

Why didnt you just say "no, Im not interested in brooklyn, which is the place in the city that you wanted to suggest?"

That would have narrowed it down for him. If he asked you if you knew two places, all you had to do was pick one. You dont have to hold it against him for playing it by ear. Unless youre not conveying it right, it seems like you were looking for a reason to cancel. Which in that case, you shouldnt have said yes to a date if you werent that interested.

 

If you think its his job to pick a place, you could have helped him out a lil bit.

[Girlygirl1977]

Honestly I goofed and I should have gone. I do feel badly about everything.

 

He sent me another msg this morning and finally said I should have asked him to explain but it is not a big deal in the end. We had some back and forth last night.

 

I did act impulsively - honestly I expect that he is actually pretty attractive physically (enough pics and unless they are someone else) but some things over time give me the impression we are not a match (things like his being not that knowledgeable about some things, being a bit disorganized, having this artist-bent which I thought first was different for me but as time went realized there is a reason I haven't matched with such guys, telling me all these grandiose plans he has career-wise but really I dont know that ever really happens whereas I'm pretty established).

 

We had decided that he would send me a place and I would meet him at 630pm. So it wasn't really confusing. At the point where it was 615pm and he was stilll saying 2 places and also mentioning Wburg, something in my head snapped and it crystallized that he really isnt the guy for me. He just didn't seem to have it together. I was ok with being flexible but I had been for a while now and when it came down to it, he still didn't have a plan.

 

So likely it wasn't just that incident but my mind impulsively decided that there was no point to continue with it. It wasn't quite right and I do feel badly now. I think I had rationalized these thoughts when I had them earlier (a week or two ago) too.

[zengirl]

Well, I think cancelling was bad behavior (as you note) but in the long run you aren't compatible anyway. I suppose I would suggest being more assertive and telling the guy "Send me the place by 5pm" or whatever in future. The guy sounds a bit annoying to me anyhow (anyone who goes on about how gifted or confident/cocky they are or tells me he is the sweetest guy ever sets of my BS detector in a major way). So, I don't think you're missing anything, but yeah, it was a bit rude. Good on you to realize that.