She's upset -- I don't know how to handle this

[Nick Diamond]

Here's the background: there's a woman I see at the gym on a daily basis, and we also work at the same company. Over the last several months, there has been some strong chemistry between the two of us, but a couple of months ago, we mutually decided that it would be best to just be friends until we no longer worked together, and in the meantime, we'll date other people; however, we're both still single at the moment. In that time, we've become pretty comfortable with each other. At this point, my romantic feelings for her are neutral; I'm just fine with being friends with her, and I appreciate her friendship, and I've gotten the impression that she feels the same way. Basically, if we end up never dating, I'm totally cool with it. We've actually become pretty close, and are able to talk about a lot of personal issues. Up to this point, there's never been tension, irritation, or arguments between us. So here's where the trouble starts:

 

She has some major commitment issues ... like with everything and everyone, and she's been very open to me about it. She literally cannot commit to anything. She actually told me just a few days ago that she has these issues because of family relationship trouble as a child, and because she's been burned by both friends and SO's in the past. So anyway, this past Thursday, I asked her if she would be interested in running on Friday afternoon when I left work (she had the day off and had planned on going running at some point in the day). Her response was "Nope, it's not gonna happen ... I can't commit to a time." I was instantly irritated because it blew me away that she couldn't even commit to go running with me, and I didn't even pinpoint a particular time! She didn't even think about it. So my irritation got the best of me, and I was very pushy about the whole thing. In the end, I said "Just let me know either way what time you go so that I'm not waiting on you if you go before I get off work." She said "Ok, I can do that." Well, I never heard from her the next day. So later that night, I was feeling guilty that I had been so irritated and pushy, so I sent her a text apologizing for the way I had acted about it all. Again, I got no response from her ... not even an acknowledgement.

 

So today, I see her at the gym and she's acting cold toward me and literally everybody else in the gym ... not even acknowledging anyone. So I ask her how her weekend has been, and she says "Great ... I went out of town yesterday to go shopping", in a sarcastic monotone voice, then she put her headphones back in and didn't acknowledge me anymore for the rest of the time she was there. I know how she operates, and anytime she goes shopping, especially when she goes out of town by herself, something is bothering her big time. That's how she handles stress. So anyway, as she's leaving, she doesn't even make eye contact as she passes me, but she says bye. So I ask her to come back for a second. This is how that conversation went:

 

Me: So what's bothering you?

Her: Nothing, I'm fine.

Me: Are you sure?

Her: Uhhhhh yeah, I'm pretty sure. I'm fine.

Me: Ok, just making sure ... you don't seem yourself today.

Her: Look, I'm just trying to get my sh*t done, ok?

Me: Gotcha.

 

And she turned around and left.

 

So here I am. I can't tell if it's something I've done and she's upset with just me, or if it's something externally that's bothering her so badly. Either way, she's acting differently than I've ever seen her behave. How do I handle this? I feel like I've done absolutely nothing wrong. If anything, I've been trying to be a good friend. I even apologized for something that really didn't even deserve an apology. Part of me wants to just leave her alone and let her come around, because I know that when I am bothered by something, I prefer to just be left alone by everyone until I'm over it. But on the other hand, I feel like if I leave her alone and stay away from her, she'll feel like she's being burned by another "friend" yet again, and we'll never speak again.

[Imajerk17]

Maybe she's on the rag?

 

Her problem, her issue, her red flag.

[mr.dream merchant]

Best advice is to not even give two ****s. Like Imajerk said, it's her issue. She wants to act like a bitch? Treat her like one ie. she's invisible.

[Kindaconfused_77]

With an attitude like that it's no wonder she's been repeatedly burned before. Clearly she has issues, if she is unable to talk to you about them or unwilling to work through them, it's her loss, not yours.

[hoping2heal]

Here's the background: there's a woman I see at the gym on a daily basis, and we also work at the same company. Over the last several months, there has been some strong chemistry between the two of us, but a couple of months ago, we mutually decided that it would be best to just be friends until we no longer worked together, and in the meantime, we'll date other people; however, we're both still single at the moment. In that time, we've become pretty comfortable with each other. At this point, my romantic feelings for her are neutral; I'm just fine with being friends with her, and I appreciate her friendship, and I've gotten the impression that she feels the same way. Basically, if we end up never dating, I'm totally cool with it. We've actually become pretty close, and are able to talk about a lot of personal issues. Up to this point, there's never been tension, irritation, or arguments between us. So here's where the trouble starts:

 

She has some major commitment issues ... like with everything and everyone, and she's been very open to me about it. She literally cannot commit to anything. She actually told me just a few days ago that she has these issues because of family relationship trouble as a child, and because she's been burned by both friends and SO's in the past. So anyway, this past Thursday, I asked her if she would be interested in running on Friday afternoon when I left work (she had the day off and had planned on going running at some point in the day). Her response was "Nope, it's not gonna happen ... I can't commit to a time." I was instantly irritated because it blew me away that she couldn't even commit to go running with me, and I didn't even pinpoint a particular time! She didn't even think about it. So my irritation got the best of me, and I was very pushy about the whole thing. In the end, I said "Just let me know either way what time you go so that I'm not waiting on you if you go before I get off work." She said "Ok, I can do that." Well, I never heard from her the next day. So later that night, I was feeling guilty that I had been so irritated and pushy, so I sent her a text apologizing for the way I had acted about it all. Again, I got no response from her ... not even an acknowledgement.

 

So today, I see her at the gym and she's acting cold toward me and literally everybody else in the gym ... not even acknowledging anyone. So I ask her how her weekend has been, and she says "Great ... I went out of town yesterday to go shopping", in a sarcastic monotone voice, then she put her headphones back in and didn't acknowledge me anymore for the rest of the time she was there. I know how she operates, and anytime she goes shopping, especially when she goes out of town by herself, something is bothering her big time. That's how she handles stress. So anyway, as she's leaving, she doesn't even make eye contact as she passes me, but she says bye. So I ask her to come back for a second. This is how that conversation went:

 

Me: So what's bothering you?

Her: Nothing, I'm fine.

Me: Are you sure?

Her: Uhhhhh yeah, I'm pretty sure. I'm fine.

Me: Ok, just making sure ... you don't seem yourself today.

Her: Look, I'm just trying to get my sh*t done, ok?

Me: Gotcha.

 

And she turned around and left.

 

So here I am. I can't tell if it's something I've done and she's upset with just me, or if it's something externally that's bothering her so badly. Either way, she's acting differently than I've ever seen her behave. How do I handle this? I feel like I've done absolutely nothing wrong. If anything, I've been trying to be a good friend. I even apologized for something that really didn't even deserve an apology. Part of me wants to just leave her alone and let her come around, because I know that when I am bothered by something, I prefer to just be left alone by everyone until I'm over it. But on the other hand, I feel like if I leave her alone and stay away from her, she'll feel like she's being burned by another "friend" yet again, and we'll never speak again.

 

She sounds like a pain in the a$$.

 

Anyhow, her problem seems to be herself. She has been burned by people in the past so now as an adult she carries a chip on her shoulder and she cannot be bothered to show any consideration for others nor any concern for their priorities, only hers. I am sure she thinks this is fine, after all she has been hurt in her life and she is an innocent victim type who is now owed the devotion and loyalty and patience of a saint by those she comes in contact with. She is entitled to have those around her walk on eggshells and cater to her every whim. She earned this because she had a rough childhood. I am sure when people finally get fed up with her self absorption she tells herself they were not a good person, a true friend, and never really cared.

[Nick Diamond]

She sounds like a pain in the a$$.

 

Anyhow, her problem seems to be herself. She has been burned by people in the past so now as an adult she carries a chip on her shoulder and she cannot be bothered to show any consideration for others nor any concern for their priorities, only hers. I am sure she thinks this is fine, after all she has been hurt in her life and she is an innocent victim type who is now owed the devotion and loyalty and patience of a saint by those she comes in contact with. She is entitled to have those around her walk on eggshells and cater to her every whim. She earned this because she had a rough childhood. I am sure when people finally get fed up with her self absorption she tells herself they were not a good person, a true friend, and never really cared.

 

I agree, she's definitely selfish ... I've always thought that. But my God, I never thought it could be to this degree. I'm more confused about how she snapped around so quickly more than anything. Be honest, does anybody see anything wrong with what I've done? Am I to blame at all? Because I don't think I am.

[Eddie Edirol]

I agree, she's definitely selfish ... I've always thought that. But my God, I never thought it could be to this degree. I'm more confused about how she snapped around so quickly more than anything. Be honest, does anybody see anything wrong with what I've done? Am I to blame at all? Because I don't think I am.

 

Nope, not at all. First of all, since she didnt want to commit to a time, it meant that she had NO INTEREST in running with YOU. She would commit to a time if she really wanted to. All that non commitment nonsense is just her hinting to you that she would never commit to you. tryin to throw you off. Whatever is bothering her, you didnt do it, and it isnt your problem until SHE makes it your problem. She is also showing you an emotionally unstable side of her that should be pretty unattractive to you.

 

If a woman treated me like that, I'd just blow her off forever. A woman who is into me wouldnt treat me like that if I havent even dated her yet. Move on.

[MarlyStar]

I do not see anything wrong with what you've done. I think you were considerate, accommodating, and sensitive.

 

Having had a bad childhood or having had bad experiences in life does not entitle you to krap over others. She's not special because she's had it rough. Life stomps on EVERYONE. And there comes a point when you stop blaming your parents for your problems or your ex's or your boss--and just DEAL with it.

 

Wanna hear my list of life's injustices? We all have them, and frankly most of us in the US don't have it so bad however mean mommy was sticking us in the closet for hours and even if our last BF cheated on us with our sister.

 

It's not that I'm not sympathetic, but there's an entire industry out there of psychiatrists, therapists, social workers, ministers, counselors, outpatient programs/inpatient programs, psychologists, support groups, clinics, adult children of this or that, pharmacists, hospitals, etc... who are just itching to help us get over our problems.

 

I'm sorry she treated you badly; you didn't deserve it and she did treat you badly.

 

And gotta love the passive/aggressive thing going on too: "What's wrong?" "Nothing" "Are you sure?" "Yep" when something is clearly wrong.

 

Her problems are too big for any lay person; if you get involved with her, they will overwhelm you and drag you down.

[spiderowl]

She doesn't sound a very nice person. If she can't commit to doing anything with you, why bother with her? If she's off like this for no major reason then that's a sign of things to come if you get more involved with her. I think you like her and would like more involvement. It doesn't sound like a good idea.

[Nick Diamond]

Thanks for all the responses, guys. It's all pretty much what I was thinking, too, but I just wanted to make sure I wasn't in the wrong on something.

 

Now my question is how do I handle this from here? I mean, we work on the same floor and we go to the same gym. On a normal day, I would acknowledge her as she walks by my desk since I can see anyone about to pass by for a good 10 yards. Keep in mind, I don't want to be childish and immature about all of this, but I don't think there's any other option other than purposely not acknowledging her at work, unless she acknowledges me first, and the same goes for the gym. What do you guys think?

[allenmj]

Thanks for all the responses, guys. It's all pretty much what I was thinking, too, but I just wanted to make sure I wasn't in the wrong on something.

 

Now my question is how do I handle this from here? I mean, we work on the same floor and we go to the same gym. On a normal day, I would acknowledge her as she walks by my desk since I can see anyone about to pass by for a good 10 yards. Keep in mind, I don't want to be childish and immature about all of this, but I don't think there's any other option other than purposely not acknowledging her at work, unless she acknowledges me first, and the same goes for the gym. What do you guys think?

 

Keep it professional no matter what. You've kinda set yourself up here, since in this day and age, any HR manager will jump all over anything for a Sexual harassment investigation. If you piss her off, nothing is stopping her from going to your boss and crying about how youve treated her.

 

Ignore her away from work, but keep it professional and mature at work. No matter what you do, do not talk about personal or private matters any more.

 

 

[ReturnToSender]

Ignore her away from work, but keep it professional and mature at work. No matter what you do, do not talk about personal or private matters any more.

 

Agreed...keep it civil but keep your distance. Even if she goes warm again, she will go cold just as quickly and you dont need to put up with that, so leave it at civil contact.

[2011]

And gotta love the passive/aggressive thing going on too: "What's wrong?" "Nothing" "Are you sure?" "Yep" when something is clearly wrong.

 

Her problems are too big for any lay person; if you get involved with her, they will overwhelm you and drag you down.

 

 

This was the problem with my ex, she had these issues, and a very big chip on her shoulder, and would go in a bad mood if you said anything that she could take, spin into a bad thing and run with it, and did not want to work at a RL just bomb out. She never spoke and went in bad moods instead of talking and really was too used to having a safety net of close friends and family but could not step up to the plate and confide in her SO. That's just what will happen if you try and date this person - more than likely.

 

2011

[Ruby Slippers]

She sounds like she has some problems. It's not you.

 

I have a friend who has trouble making and sticking to plans, and it's because of her own issues. I used to take it a little personally -- then I figured out it has nothing to do with me. She acts that way with a mutual friend of ours, too.

 

I am much more casual with her than I used to be. I just try to appreciate her good qualities, and I don't expect much from her.

[seibert253]

Dude, if she's already snapping at you like that, and your not even in any type of relationship, then stay far away my friend.

 

Now, it's one thing if she snapped like that, then later apologized, but nothing from her? Ohh no my friend.

 

Run Forest, run.

[Nick Diamond]

I have an update for anyone who is interested:

 

So the shortness and cold attitude continued all week long last week. I tried to approach her once at the gym on Monday and it was the shortest and rudest she's ever been to me, so I decided to just back all the way off and leave her alone. For the rest of the week, not only did she park next to me every morning at work, in a lot of about 5000 parking spots, but as she would walk by my desk, she would wave, smile, and say hi. This continued for three days, so I figured she was ok at this point. Wrong. I approached her in the break room at work on Thursday, and she was cold and short again, just as badly as she had been on Monday.

 

Well, I came to find out through a mutual friend that she says we're "going through something right now", and that she feels that I "crossed the line", and that I think that there's more to our relationship than what's really there. She felt like I was getting too close, so she had to get cold with me to put a stop to it and get me to back off. She even had the nerve to say that she could tell that the way she was acting was killing me, but that it was working. I'm not the "look at me and feel sorry for me" type, so how she came up with that conclusion is beyond me.

 

Seriously? This woman is 38, we've been friends for over a year, and she out of the blue decides that I'm trying to get close, so instead of talking about it like an adult, she gives me the cold shoulder. YET, she parks next to me every day when there are literally 1000 other empty spots, and she smiles and waves as she passes my desk. And keep in mind, this woman has been texting me constantly for the last month every night before bedtime, and we talk until one of us falls asleep. Every night. Yet I'm the one that's trying to get close.

 

I have my own theories on why she's behaving this way, but first I want to hear what you all have to say. Either way, I believe she's totally crazy!!

[daphne]

I think you kind of glossed over the part where you were pushy with her. I think that's the real crux of what's going on. If she's a commitmentphobe and has already set a boundary that she doesn't want to commit to a time and you pushed her, she's naturally going to be defensive. Sometimes, people can be very clumsy at stepping over boundaries that people try to define. And the person who is defining them will back off. Even when you tried to get her to tell you what was wrong, you were pushing her. Most people would open the door to a discussion and let it go if they receive the signal that the other person wasn't open to it at that time.

 

I wouldn't say you did anything wrong per se, but if you want to elicit the best response, respecting someone's no is probably the better part of valor.

[Nick Diamond]

I think you kind of glossed over the part where you were pushy with her. I think that's the real crux of what's going on. If she's a commitmentphobe and has already set a boundary that she doesn't want to commit to a time and you pushed her, she's naturally going to be defensive. Sometimes, people can be very clumsy at stepping over boundaries that people try to define. And the person who is defining them will back off. Even when you tried to get her to tell you what was wrong, you were pushing her. Most people would open the door to a discussion and let it go if they receive the signal that the other person wasn't open to it at that time.

 

I wouldn't say you did anything wrong per se, but if you want to elicit the best response, respecting someone's no is probably the better part of valor.

 

I completely agree that I pushed things a little too much with that, and I can also understand why she would be upset about that; however, there are three things that I feel need to be pointed out: 1. This isn't the first time that we've gone or talked about doing something and have gone back and forth about committing ... it's happened countless times, 2. I apologized the next day for my actions, which I don't normally do, and it went totally without acknowledgement, and 3. She should have the maturity and consideration to talk to me about it instead of instantly going cold on me.

[Nick Diamond]

I think you kind of glossed over the part where you were pushy with her. I think that's the real crux of what's going on. If she's a commitmentphobe and has already set a boundary that she doesn't want to commit to a time and you pushed her, she's naturally going to be defensive. Sometimes, people can be very clumsy at stepping over boundaries that people try to define. And the person who is defining them will back off. Even when you tried to get her to tell you what was wrong, you were pushing her. Most people would open the door to a discussion and let it go if they receive the signal that the other person wasn't open to it at that time.

 

I wouldn't say you did anything wrong per se, but if you want to elicit the best response, respecting someone's no is probably the better part of valor.

 

Ok, so the more I read this, the more I understand, although I still stand by the fact that she should be handling the situation more maturely.

 

Since last Thursday, I have backed completely off and given her her space. I haven't texted her, I haven't initiated conversation with her, and I haven't approached her. The only time I've even acknowledged her is when she acknowledges me, and I've been friendly and have returned whatever gestures she's given to me. I can say that each day has gotten progressively better since I backed all the way off, as far as her attitude toward me goes. This morning was the nicest she's been since it all started: she walked by, smiled like the Cheshire cat, and said "Hey there, good morning!" She's leaving tomorrow morning to go out of town for a major event for Friday (long-term and money-related, therefore committment-related) that she's been worried sick about for the last two months, and she won't be back until next Monday, so by then it will have been over two weeks since all of this started. How much longer do I go before I approach her about all of this? Or do I even approach her? Should I just let it be up to her to decide whether or not she wants to clear the air? Should I apologize yet again, but this time in person?

 

Also, am I crazy for feeling like there's a lot of hypocrisy going on here? She's been the one lately who's been acting like she wants something more than friendship, yet I'm the one trying to get close. Then she tells our mutual friend that she's having to distance herself from me to get me to stop, yet she's purposely parking next to me every day and smiling and waving as she passes by my desk.

 

I guess my approach to all of this is that I'm going to continue to give her space, continue to not approach her or initiate contact with her, yet be friendly when acknowledged and/or approached. I'm always in favor of taking the high road in every circumstance, so I truly do want to do the right thing in this situation. I also do feel guilty about stepping over her boundaries; however, on the other hand, I don't want to bow down to someone who has been so rude and inconsiderate about something that really should have been handled days ago in a mature fashion. Any opinions?

[Nick Diamond]

Anyone with any ideas?

[GottaGetAway]

I'm rather phobic of commitment myself and I still think she sounds nuts, selfish, and damn rude. I mean, what upsets someone is up to them completely, but that's just a ridiculous way to behave. All I can say is definitely don't pursue a relationship with this girl. Keep doing what you're doing. Be civil but minimal. Maybe she'll come around, but continuing to try and talk to her will just give her power if she's trying to mess with your head (which is possible). I think it's perfect that she's going away for a bit! Definitely don't text her. Don't initiate ANY further contact other than being civil until she does. At that point, still hold back. You can start being friendly once she's made attempts several times but until then just keep up minimal contact.

[Nick Diamond]

Maybe she'll come around, but continuing to try and talk to her will just give her power if she's trying to mess with your head (which is possible).

 

Thanks for the advice!! I've also wondered if maybe she was just trying to mess with my head. I guess my question is why would she want to do that?

[GottaGetAway]

Because she's nuts? Because she likes the power. Because it raises her self esteem. Who knows - there are lots of reasons though.

[dispatch3d]

she sounds pretty selfish. I wouldn't have apologized to her fer shizzle. I also wouldn't have pushed for her to run with me if she was wishy washy. Maybe she just doesn't want to go running? She probably thought you were being selfish when you attempted to push her to do something she didn't want to do, got angry, and now doesn't want to talk to you about it (because deep down she knows there is no justification for her being mad).

 

She could also be pissed at some random thing, who knows. I wouldn't care that much to be honest. If she wants to be an angry bear that's her perogative.

[lizwashere]

Personally, I would leave things as is - continue to acknowledge her if she greets you or smiles at you, but I would not go any further than or revisit the events of the recent past.