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Beginning of an abusive relationship?


Lilmisus

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I have two close friends at work. I'll call them Todd and Megan. Todd, I've known for almost three years, Megan, I've known for less than a year. Todd is this fun, funny, lovable, sensitive guy that everyone gets along with for the most part, who is not the type to hurt a fly. Megan, is this fun, girl who I really like and get along with well. She's pretty controlling though of their relationship, and it's easy to tell.

 

They are both 18, still in high school and have been together for over a year now. I've talked to Todd throughout their entire relationship, from when they first started dating till now, and am much closer to him than Megan who I just recently started to get to know since she just started working there a month ago.

 

Their relationship started out seemingly perfect. "I love yous" within the first month. Her giving him her virginity within the second month, and since have it multiple times a day from what I'm told. No fights or arguing. Constant joking around and "getting each other." They mapped out their future together (or..she did, he went along with it), and had huge plans of moving in together and growing old together. Just, the perfect couple.

 

After seven months though, they're "perfect relationship" started showing that it wasn't so perfect. One fight in a week, two, then three in one week. Before they knew it, they were fighting multiple times a day, and still are. He tried breaking up with her a few times, saying that he had no freedom or space, and called her psycho for be too overly jealous and told her she needed to grow up before they could really be together. But she couldn't take them breaking up, and begged him to be with her. According to him, it didn't matter if he loved her or not, she just wanted him and couldn't stand the thought of not being with him.

 

Today though, I went into work, and she came up to me and told me that he dumped her, I tried to be funny and say "Oh really? Me too!" (speaking of my own relationship), but when I saw the look on her face I realized that it was much more serious than that, and I asked her what was wrong and if she was okay, and she said no, that he hit her on their way to work. Apparently, on their drive over, they got into a huge argument full of yelling and whatnot, he said something, she "casually" flicked him off, and he punched her side. He instantly said he was sorry, started crying, and she was in such shock that she just sang along with the radio, trying to ignore it.

 

When she told me this, I was shocked. Todd isn't this type of guy at ALL. When I told my ex the story, a few moments later, he said it was probably just a little tap, nothing serious, and couldn't believe it either. He even asked Todd about it (who was still red eyed and crying every now and then), and he just wouldn't say anything.

 

I tried to tell Megan that this is not a good relationship to be in at all, and even though he said he was sorry, he could do it again in the future. That this could easily escalate into an abusive relationship and she needed to end it NOW before that happened. She just started saying "No" over and over again, saying she couldn't do it, that they can't break up. She refused to even cry because that would prove that it was the end. She said that this wasn't her boyfriend, that Todd isn't like this at all and he'll never do it again, and that's why she didn't want to end it. I told her that I knew it hurt to make the right decision, but it had to be made. She didn't want to though, and when Todd hugged and kissed her later, to her it proved that he was truly sorry, and that their relationship wasn't over. That all her future plans that she made for them didn't have to end, and she decided to just get high and be "happy" and not worry about it any more.

 

I'm extremely worried about her though. She refuses to see this as an extremely blaring red flag that she should pay attention to, and I'm worried that this could get increasingly worse. Even if he doesn't hit her again for another year or so, the fact that it now has to be worried about, worries me. But, she wont listen, and I don't know what to do to make her see that this is a relationship that she needs out of ASAP. What do you guys think? Is there anything I can do, or does she need to realize it on her own that this is a bad relationship?

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Being the survivor of an abusive relationship myself - I can tell you first hand that exact same scenario happened to me.

 

During one of our arguments that kept escalating - he suddenly shoved me in to the door, and I fell down on the ground. I was shaking and looked up to see him with the same "shocked" reaction......he kept going on and on about how he could not believe that he had just done that - apologized over and over..... and kept awkwardly trying to put his arms around me and hold me..... I flinched and he would jump back and act so ashamed. He said it would never happen again...........

 

It did, and it got worse. He progressed to pushing me so hard I would fall over - throw me against the wall and press my face to the side and yell in my ear. If I tried to run away, he would chase me down, and tackle me to the ground then restrain me so I couldnt move my wrists or legs which threw me in to panic attacks. He also started to do degrading things like spit in my face - which caused me to get pink eye whenever he did this.

 

Honestly, it may be a one time thing - he may have truly been horrified by his reaction and feels guilty that he could even do that to you.........

 

The more likely scenario - is that this will not be the last time, and after a while he will stop appolgizing, and showing disbelief - and will instead start to explain why he felt justified in hitting you.... "you are crazy, you are histerical, you are completely out of control right now" and its those explanations that will eventually seed the thoughts in your mind that he is right, and that you deserved it, and that maybe you are out of control and he is helping you stay in line.

 

Its never ok, you dont deserve it, and more importantly he doesnt deserve you. Please, learn from my mistake, and save yourself years of heartache - follow your instinct and cut communication with him immediately.

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If I'm understanding correctly she's more or less forcing HIM to be in the relationship... he probably snapped for a moment but it's true that it could happen again, and could escalate. :/

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They are both abusing each other.

 

She is far too dependent on him and has used emotional abuse to keep him in a relationship he has tried to leave several times. He feels trapped by the emotional blackmail. Her sneering at his concerns is a metaphorical slap in the face.

 

On top of that, he is aware of the social stigma attached to a man being physically abusive, and that is filling him with a lot of guilt.

 

Now I am not taking sides, but trying to counteract the bias in the OP's description of the situation. Apportioning blame is not going to help and may indeed encourage more abuse as her behaviour appears to have been overlooked whilst his has been seen as a "red flag", and there is a high chance that he will become even more unstable in this seemingly inescapable position.

 

I've been in a similar situation, with someone who saw domestic violence as "foreplay". I felt extremely guilty for leaving the relationship (even though I never hit her despite deliberate attempts to provoke me into doing so) and made a serious attempt to kill myself as a result. That she threatened to commit suicide or go insane, and was basically massively over-sensitive, made it feel impossible to criticize any aspect of her behaviour.

 

This is a very difficult relationship. They need to spend time apart immediately. No-one is to blame. Make that clear to both parties and especially make it clear to the guy. He needs to be able to assert his feelings and needs without letting the emotional blackmail get to him. She needs to be confident enough to not cling to a relationship that is broken, to not blackmail him emotionally, to stop getting high to escape from the situation.

 

The relationship is over. The combination of a party girl and a quiet guy is a toxic one, and they will need to do a lot of work to be anywhere near prepared for a close, intimate relationship. When they can face each other and say, without fear, what annoys them about the other, that's when they will be ready for a relationship. Whether that is with each other or someone else, is immaterial.

Edited by betterdeal
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They are both abusing each other.

 

She is far too dependent on him and has used emotional abuse to keep him in a relationship he has tried to leave several times. He feels trapped by the emotional blackmail. Her sneering at his concerns is a metaphorical slap in the face.

 

On top of that, he is aware of the social stigma attached to a man being physically abusive, and that is filling him with a lot of guilt.

 

Now I am not taking sides, but trying to counteract the bias in the OP's description of the situation. Apportioning blame is not going to help and may indeed encourage more abuse as her behaviour appears to have been overlooked whilst his has been seen as a "red flag", and there is a high chance that he will become even more unstable in this seemingly inescapable position.

 

I've been in a similar situation, with someone who saw domestic violence as "foreplay". I felt extremely guilty for leaving the relationship (even though I never hit her despite deliberate attempts to provoke me into doing so) and made a serious attempt to kill myself as a result. That she threatened to commit suicide or go insane, and was basically massively over-sensitive, made it feel impossible to criticize any aspect of her behaviour.

 

This is a very difficult relationship. They need to spend time apart immediately. No-one is to blame. Make that clear to both parties and especially make it clear to the guy. He needs to be able to assert his feelings and needs without letting the emotional blackmail get to him. She needs to be confident enough to not cling to a relationship that is broken, to not blackmail him emotionally, to stop getting high to escape from the situation.

 

The relationship is over. The combination of a party girl and a quiet guy is a toxic one, and they will need to do a lot of work to be anywhere near prepared for a close, intimate relationship. When they can face each other and say, without fear, what annoys them about the other, that's when they will be ready for a relationship. Whether that is with each other or someone else, is immaterial.

 

You're right, she does seem to be emotionally abusive, I never thought of her that way before. She clings to the relationship and refuses to let him out of it. When she and I were talking about our boyfriends a few weeks ago, I told her two things that he did with his ex over a year ago which was - he brought her to our party and ignored her, and he brought her into eat at the restaurant because he had two free meals. I thought she knew this already since neither point was a big deal at all and I knew Todd didn't think anything of it. She freaked out, started crying, and got into a fight with him over it, even though I told her multiple times it wasn't a big deal. This stuff happens all the time, except, he does it to her as well - just not over exes.

 

But she doesn't seem capable of leaving the relationship, and that's the extremely scary part. The thought of breaking up with him tears her up, even if she fears that he might become an abusive partner. He can't get through to her, and neither can so many other people including myself, so I'm wondering how that can be done? She's a gorgeous girl, so it's not like she can't find someone else (especially since Todd is a bigger, and not too handsome guy). And you're comment about telling one another what annoys them..I agree with that, but they are already beyond capable of doing it. They speak exactly what's on their mind.

 

I now see why people thought I was so difficult to get through to about my ex. I was (and still am) stubborn and in love and refused the idea of breaking up and the thought of losing him. She's like that, but ten times worse. Even if he never hits her again, I still feel that they need to end their relationship, and I told him that once before when they did break up a few months back (without the hitting part). But, they're BOTH so stubborn here, and he's just as in love as she is, and hates the idea of leaving her, but he's just capable of doing it..she's not. How on earth do you get through to someone like this?

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Sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. THe quick attachment, the fear of abandonment, the emotional instability, the inability to look at reality and delusional thinking, the outgoing personality alternating with the desperately needy, the love of drama, etc...

 

She's a mess. She won't break up with him because then she'd be alone. She can't handle that so she'll accept anything to stay in a relationship.

 

They need to stay far away from each other. I'd be working on him. She's dangerous to him. He needs to do an immediate cut off no contact with her. So what if she's upset; she's not doing him any favors. Go talk to him and insist that he follow his instincts and just drop contact with her; that it's okay for him to avoid her, that he really owes her nothing. He's going to end up in jail, if he continues to hang around her.

 

He owes her no explanation or 'closure'; she will never understand or accept it. He's just going to have to walk away. Her clinging to him is not love whatever she calls it, it's neurosis and selfish.

 

I had a MIL who was diagnosed as borderline and let me tell you, those people can push you to murder (or at least the thought of it).

 

I wouldn't think badly of either of them for this episode; however, if they continue to see one another, they are both fools who are asking for the trouble they will surely get.

 

He needs to dump her azz NOW.

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Until I got about 2/3 of the way through this, I thought Megan was going to be the abusive one in this story.

 

I'm going to say that there are two sides to this story. I don't justify Todd's behavior but I don't believe he is a villain either. If Megan was wailing and screaming away at him as I suspect she was, and hitting him (was it really just a quick flick?), there is a tendency to try to defend one's self.

 

The relationship has become toxic. I agree with the others on that.

Edited by Imajerk17
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Until I got about 2/3 of the way through this, I thought Megan was going to be the abusive one in this story.

 

I'm going to say that there are two sides to this story. I don't justify Todd's behavior but I don't believe he is a villain either. If Megan was wailing and screaming away at him as I suspect she was, and hitting him (was it really just a quick flick?), there is a tendency to try to defend one's self.

 

The relationship has become toxic. I agree with the others on that.

 

They were yelling at one another, and let me tell you Todd is the major screamer in the relationship. She's clingy but he's overly sensitive, and a whiner. Great combination, I know. But she didn't hit him at all. Never has laid a hand on him, she just flicked him off with her left hand, he got mad, and hit that side of her. Then like I said, said he was sorry, and started crying like a baby.

 

It's crazy because, I saw him tonight at work, and apparently they had wild sex after work last night, and he kept smiling and laughing at text messages she sent him and was telling my ex and I about all these things she said and was doing. I really, really don't get their relationship at all.

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They were yelling at one another, and let me tell you Todd is the major screamer in the relationship. She's clingy but he's overly sensitive, and a whiner. Great combination, I know. But she didn't hit him at all. Never has laid a hand on him, she just flicked him off with her left hand, he got mad, and hit that side of her. Then like I said, said he was sorry, and started crying like a baby.

 

It's crazy because, I saw him tonight at work, and apparently they had wild sex after work last night, and he kept smiling and laughing at text messages she sent him and was telling my ex and I about all these things she said and was doing. I really, really don't get their relationship at all.

 

Wow. Just wow.

 

I guess you really don't know someone until you date them or are friends with their S/O.

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They are both abusing each other.

 

She is far too dependent on him and has used emotional abuse to keep him in a relationship he has tried to leave several times. He feels trapped by the emotional blackmail. Her sneering at his concerns is a metaphorical slap in the face.

 

On top of that, he is aware of the social stigma attached to a man being physically abusive, and that is filling him with a lot of guilt.

 

Now I am not taking sides, but trying to counteract the bias in the OP's description of the situation. Apportioning blame is not going to help and may indeed encourage more abuse as her behaviour appears to have been overlooked whilst his has been seen as a "red flag", and there is a high chance that he will become even more unstable in this seemingly inescapable position.

 

I've been in a similar situation, with someone who saw domestic violence as "foreplay". I felt extremely guilty for leaving the relationship (even though I never hit her despite deliberate attempts to provoke me into doing so) and made a serious attempt to kill myself as a result. That she threatened to commit suicide or go insane, and was basically massively over-sensitive, made it feel impossible to criticize any aspect of her behaviour.

 

This is a very difficult relationship. They need to spend time apart immediately. No-one is to blame. Make that clear to both parties and especially make it clear to the guy. He needs to be able to assert his feelings and needs without letting the emotional blackmail get to him. She needs to be confident enough to not cling to a relationship that is broken, to not blackmail him emotionally, to stop getting high to escape from the situation.

 

The relationship is over. The combination of a party girl and a quiet guy is a toxic one, and they will need to do a lot of work to be anywhere near prepared for a close, intimate relationship. When they can face each other and say, without fear, what annoys them about the other, that's when they will be ready for a relationship. Whether that is with each other or someone else, is immaterial.

 

I really agree with you here that this is exactly what they need and that that might be what she suffers from. But if you just see her or occasionally talk to her you wouldn't think anything was wrong with her at all since she's just so outgoing and friendly (and sarcastic, but I am too, so that's a positive in my book). My brother though goes to school with both of them and I think that he'd agree with you that she does suffer from it as well, since he's said that she's a nut before.

 

But, you have to think realistically though. They go to high school together like I said, and have multiple classes with one another. They now work together (bad idea) he wont quit since he's been there for forever, and she'd refuse to because that would mean that she couldn't see and be with him, and it'd make it "too real" for her to deal with. Plus, she depends on him for rides most places, so to take him away from her would take away the guy she "needs". I so wish that they could just do as you said, but at least until they graduate come June, that's just not going to be possible, sadly. They need to though.

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