purple_cloud Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I mentioned this guy I met on Match and we had 4 dates. Things are going slow and we didn't have sex or anything close to. Dates all went reasonably well. After date number 3, I noticed him avoiding me on IM. I mean, I would sign on and he he would sign off less than a minute later. It happened about 5 times already - it's just not a coincidence. He can't block me either because it's facebook chat. He is not at work either cause it's in the evening when he is just chilling. Despite this, he occasionally texts and confirms dates and even made brief phone call twice. So it seems he is not completely avoiding me. We are set for another date in a couple of days. Still his behavior bothers me. Also, after dates 1-2 he used to IM me a lot. Then after date 3 he started up with this avoidance. No idea why. I am thinking of just canceling the next date. Something isn't adding up here. It's not like he is using me for sex either Ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
purplehouse Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 maybe he doesn't like online chatting with someone he is in the early stages of dating with?? Maybe he is worried if you talk online you'll have nothing to talk about on the dates. Why would he set up a 4th date if not interested?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author purple_cloud Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 It doesn't make any sense. Maybe he is juggling few girls and doesn't want to waste time chatting over IM. I dunno. It's not that he doesn't like online chatting. After date no 1 he asked me to come online so that we can chat over IM. It's just weird. I am going to pull the plug on this. Link to post Share on other sites
jane100 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Maybe. Buts whats the point on chatting on IM if you are now meeting in person!!!! Why don't you ask him on the phone or when you meet - if you like him of course?!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 If you are pulling the plug for that reason alone, then yes, you're over-reacting. If several things don't seem to add up, and this is just one of several indicators, then perhaps no, you're not over-reacting. I agree with the poster who asked why he would ask for date #4 if he wasn't interested. Absent other yellow- or red-flag signs, and assuming interest on my end, I would go on the date and see what else I could learn about his interest level in person. Who knows, perhaps you'd be comfortable enough to broach the subject directly with him and get your answer that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author purple_cloud Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 Isn't it a bit too clingy to ask him? "Hey, I have lately noticed a pattern of you signing off IM as soon as I sign on. Why is that?" It sounds neurotic. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Isn't it a bit too clingy to ask him? "Hey, I have lately noticed a pattern of you signing off IM as soon as I sign on. Why is that?" It sounds neurotic. Neurotic is cancelling the date over something silly like this. Send him a message the next time you see him online, before he logs off. See if he responds. Link to post Share on other sites
GivenUp0083 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Isn't it a bit too clingy to ask him? "Hey, I have lately noticed a pattern of you signing off IM as soon as I sign on. Why is that?" It sounds neurotic. I think you should ask him, but NOT the way you phrased it. Just say "hey, I noticed you're acting a little different, we don't chat online as much since we've started dating, is everything ok?" If you make it sound like you are as paranoid as you are acting, he will walk. But yeah, no matter how you play this, your mindset is all wrong and it's doomed before it started. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 If you're always writing guys off for something this silly, no wonder why you're still single. I like to keep a little mystery early on. I'm not a huge fan of IM because its a time-waster. He's calling you for dates, how in touch do you need to be? Link to post Share on other sites
Author purple_cloud Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 I just always thought that when you like someone, the natural instinct is to talk to them as much as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlygirl1977 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Sometimes early on, people are still being cautious. I don't know the full story here but don't cancel the date. I think you have some self-sabotaging tendencies. I recall you mentioned that you fear you won't ever marry - well if you continue in the path like you are now - then it could be self-fulfilling. Go on the date and don't overanalyze as much (I know easier said than done). I have seen you post a lot of overthinking about several men and so for you I think it is more important. Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Hi. Not sure how much help this will be. But I would sometimes find myself avoiding the guy I was dating (for almost 3 months) on IM because once we started chatting it seems like I did nothing else for the evening. It's time consuming and at the end of the night it seemed like I got nothing else done and we really didn't have a meaningful conversation either. It can go on for hours with just back and forth banter. Maybe he chatted with you in that way in the beginning because he was in the natural stages of 'I want to get to know you, I want a lot of contact with you', and now that part is over for him. He knows you, you've been dating, he wants to see you again. But he doesn't feel the need (like it sounds you do) to talk constantly. I'm kind of new at all of this, but there are 2 things I'm noticing when it comes to communication. In the beginning, it's always much more frequently, then it tends to slow down to something more 'normal'. The other thing I notice is that it's very common for every person to have their own definition of 'normal. Maybe you want contact every few hours throughout the day, with a 'good morning baby' text and a 'sweet dreams baby' text at the end of the day. And maybe he's o.k with touching base every other day or so. Everyone has their own needs as far as communication and IMO it's rare for both parties to be in sync. Could be me, though. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author purple_cloud Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 Curly, We have only been on 4 dates. If he is getting sick of communicating with me at this stage, it's a bad sign indeed. I would understand if it's been 3 months or something. There is another serious concern on lack of common interests. We are into completely different things with barely any overlap. If it was only the IM thing and he was my ideal guy - I may hang in there a bit longer. But I have a strong gut feeling that I need to cancel the next date. If he asks why, I will be honest. If he doesn't adios. At 4 date stage there is no need for prolonged break up. Link to post Share on other sites
aprilblues31 Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 IMO, this period of a budding relationship is about getting to know about the other person. Especially after meeting online, it would seem natural chatting on I'M would be a method of doing that. Question...who "friended" the other on FB? Couple Thoughts: 1. He wants the fourth date because he is a person who likes to Chase and conquer (get you into bed), therefore ignoring or signing off quickly after seeing you log on (not really interested in truly getting to know you). 2. What method does he use to check Facebook? Computer...mobile phone...what's the interface? When I am on my mobile, it is a pain to use FB chat. Additionally, it logs me in/out on its will depending on strength of signal, etc. Point is, could just be a pain in the u-know-what depending on connection or throw him out if perhaps he's using dial up. Just another consideration here that it could be something you didn't factor in. Bottom Line: He's attracted to you in some way, for some thing. Is it for the same reasons why you want the fourth date or are questioning the quick log outs? No. In fact, its too early to tell. Any endeavour of the heart involves risk, because you can't be fully sure, (maybe ever...but certainly not within the first few date time frame) what the other persons intentions are. Choices: 1. Switch it up. Call sometimes. Text sometimes. Write him a message on Facebook. Communicate in different ways and see what response you get. This can also help avoid falling into a "techno-rut" . Too many relationships now are began and (barely) sustained VIA impersonal techno gadgets. Maybe the other party likes you enough not to want communication be the emotionless kind techno-chatting offers. 2. There's nothing wrong with asking him about it. "Ive gone to IM you on Facebook a few times to see how your day was, etc when I've logged on and saw you but when I sent the message you've already logged out..." message him "just sent you FB IM but it said u went offline...how was your day?"...etc. You'll be able to get a feeling from the reaction you get if its been purposeful, or at least see how he responds. Maybe the next time after that he'll IM you! If he thinks you're neurotic or whatever because you express a desire to communicate with him more, well, thats his problem, not yours. 3. Saved the best for last...I don't know your situation but it could be your overanalyzing. Perhaps you really like him and just want him to like you as much. Perhaps you've been in a relationship in the past thats hurt you and this feels like something from that...but its too early to think about his logging out on FB when you log on. Just have fun, plan dates with him if he continues to be good to you in person if you want to and take it easy. Best wishes in everything! Link to post Share on other sites
almablair Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Hi, I am from Alaska and in a serious relationship with a guy from last one year.. We met through the chatting site and according to me you should talk directly with him and clear all misunderstandings.. For a good relationship, its always important that you should give time to each other and understand the problems as well.. Direct talk between two people always remove the gap and better the relationship.. One thing which is wondering about your relationship is, do you trust each other? Link to post Share on other sites
Author purple_cloud Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 He called me today twice and asked to see me tomorrow night (I am busy so can't) then asked for Saturday. He actually wanted to see me both Friday and Saturday. It's bizarre. BTW, he is responsive to contact otherwise, texts and calls when I call (which is not often). Most times when we did prolonged texting, I was the one to text last, even though they were not question texts so I dunno. I am trying to be chill. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Why is is bizzare that he wants to see you? Didn't you just get done saying he does not text you enough? I think you need to chill out and be more forgiving. Link to post Share on other sites
Author purple_cloud Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 OK, what do you say now: I wrote a flirty comment on his wall referring to his driving (I guess people that read it can assume that we went somewhere together in his car). He deleted it within an hour. He is obviously juggling multiple girls. I think this is all the info I need to pull the plug. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlygirl1977 Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 OK, what do you say now: I wrote a flirty comment on his wall referring to his driving (I guess people that read it can assume that we went somewhere together in his car). He deleted it within an hour. He is obviously juggling multiple girls. I think this is all the info I need to pull the plug. After 3 dates? It seems you are also juggling multiple men. If he wanted to see you both Friday and Saturday (the highest priority days), maybe you should just calm down. I think after 3 dates, it is not surprising he hasn't stopped dating. Maybe you should see him this weekend and then go from there. Again - I think you have self-destructive patterns and negative thinking. Just go and let it unfold. If he wants to see you - that says enough at this early stage. I don't know how you will get to your goal of meeting someone if you don't reduce the negative thinking. It is better to not cut things off early as well due to fear. And as to an answer to the title of the thread. YES you are definitely over-reacting. 3 dates does not a full relationship make! Link to post Share on other sites
Author purple_cloud Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 It really hurt my feelings that he deleted my comment. The comment wasn't even that romantic, it was just about driving. God forbid for people to infer that we could possibly be dating I feel like a stupid fool for leaving that comment. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Purple. You know FB sometimes makes comments or pictures disappear for a short time.... only to reappear latter. The person has nothing to do with it. As for him dating multiple women. Unless all these post you have made are about the same guy...then you are dating what four different men. So the men should be there at your beck and call living only for you. While they shouldn't text too much....that stalkery. They shouldn't text too little....that means they don't care. They shouldn't discuss anything that may have been on the news other than entertainment and fashion. I am at the point where I think you may be a troll. Or you are trolling us. Come on woman are you for real or what? If you are you really need to relax, take some xzanax and do some deep breathing. You need to calm down and not panic at every little sign of trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
SingVoice Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 I agree with MrLonelyone....there have been times when things I have posted on my guys fb has "disappeared" and then reappeared later. See this is why facebook can be SO annoying when dating. If you are seriously concerned....then just jokingly and LIGHTLY say "hey why'd you delete my comment...I thought it was funny!!" or something. See what his reaction in. It sounds like you are being just *slightly* neurotic about this. (No offense...I mean that as nicely as possible!) Just go with it. Go out with him. If you like him then don't overthink EVERY little thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author purple_cloud Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 I do know that about FB and I am 100% sure now that the comment was deleted on purpose by him. I may have gone on one date with few others, but they weren't added to FB. And even if they were, I would never delete a comment like that coming from the guy I like. It shows me that he is not only juggling girls, but I am not a priority among the girls he is juggling. Well he can keep on juggling, but he has just dropped a ball. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlygirl1977 Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 I think with an attitude like you have and sensitivity you will have great trouble dating. I agree with the other posters. Try not to think so much and perhaps do some calm breathing. The man wanted to see you fri and sat. He even also added you to facebook (which already means you are in some of his private space). Just go. It seems to me really you feel strongly about this guy such that your reactions are due to the fear of getting hurt. I think since your feelings are such after 3 dates, you shouldn't just drop it. Again -I think you have some deeper things to think about here including why you are so worked up already. It is very early in the dating process and you should take it more in stride now. Men are unlikely to be fully committed to a woman so early on. Also, some of the slightly neurotic vibes you are sending out here may also be apparent to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 This thread seems like it was created by a banned poster who lives in Australia too, and loved the Ocean. Way too similar, both in posting style and self-destructive thinking/behavior. I agree wholeheartedly with GirlyGirl in terms of substance. Link to post Share on other sites
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