Yeahsussu Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Hi everybody. I was together with my boyfriend for 2 years. We lived together for one year and he would quite often say that he was too tired to do anything with me on for example a friday night. I would suggest go to the movies or go out for dinner etc. Nah he was always too tired. But a little while afterwards he would say that he´s going to his best mate´s place for a beer. Like wtf? In the end I started to get a bit jealous of it cause it felt like he preferred to hang out with his best mate instead of me. Was I that boring or wat? Of course he should hang out with his friends, it´s not about that, it´s just that it started to feel like he pushed me aside, I was number two. Would be nice to get a guy´s perspective on this. Are girls just overreacting to this stuff or does the guy think you´re too boring to hang out with? Link to post Share on other sites
2011 Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 (edited) Well when I started dating my now ex we hadn't really bonded as we only met occassionally due to conflicting work patterns. At the time I would get home from wkends and as I was not that big a dating type person I have become so used to buddying up with my mates at wkend, she would txt Fridays etc if she was off and it was always when I got home, wanted to chill out and relax with mates so for me it was trying to change my pattern of what I was doing to try and see more of her, which I actually wanted to do and did start doing that eventually. Thing is she flaked out and felt I was asking for "too much" after trying to go out more lol women eh! Now I do not have that worry lol So it might be he is sort of set in his ways. Maybe you could just ignore him a bit see if he starts chasing you, if he does not then well you got your answer to whether he will change. Sorry you said I was together with my boyfriend for 2 years. Are you still seeing him as you are saying that in past tense "I was together...."? 2011 Edited February 26, 2011 by 2011 Link to post Share on other sites
SingVoice Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 I've had this problem too. The thing is...if he has been accustomed to "doing whatever he wants" for a long period of time...its hard to break him of that pattern. A guy I was dating had TONS of guy friends...and even when I was over at his house...there were always guys "dropping by" because that's what they were all used to. Sometimes they would come by at like 1 or 2 am after they got done at the bar when him and I were asleep! It finally got to the point where I had to say...listen...we are adults. If we are going to have a relationship...your friends have to understand that I can't just have all of our alone time interrupted by them. (It was EVERY time). I was dating him...not his friends! The worst part of it was that him and his friends always made so many last minute plans that he would never plan anything ahead of time with me either. Depending on your ages and how long you have been dating...I always say that its important to have your friends and outside interests. But if you are building a relationship with someone that can potentially lead to marriage/kids...you have to make that person a priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yeahsussu Posted February 26, 2011 Author Share Posted February 26, 2011 Are you still seeing him as you are saying that in past tense "I was together...."? 2011 Well, it´s complicated. But no we´re not really together anymore as we now live in different countries. But we´re still in contact almost every day. He´s got one good mate that lives just down the street from his house, so they see each other a lot, and call each other all the time. When I was living with him I often wanted to go and "explore" his country a bit more, go for a short roadtrip over the weekend or something. But he would often have plans to go to a concert or whateva instead with his best mate (they´re crazy about music), so I just stayed home as I don´t really like the type of music they listen to. And if me and my BF ever went somewhere further away he would always ask his mate to come with us "cause there is a cool music store next to the place we´re going to" or "there´s a festival going on in that city, we can drop by and have a look" or something like that. So it often felt like he was putting his best mate and their interest for music before me. I kinda felt like the third wheel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yeahsussu Posted February 26, 2011 Author Share Posted February 26, 2011 Depending on your ages and how long you have been dating...I always say that its important to have your friends and outside interests. But if you are building a relationship with someone that can potentially lead to marriage/kids...you have to make that person a priority. I´m 25 and he´s 24. We were together for a bit over 2 years. Well it seems like I took our relationship more serious than he did, even though he treated me very well (besides puttings his friend before me-issue) and looked after me. I could see a future with him and wanted to marry him some day. I hated to feel jealous about him doing so much with his best mate, they´ve been friends since they were kids. And in the end I just felt like his mate was priority number 1. As if nothing could come between them. I would never ask him to stop seeing his best mate, it would´ve just been nice if he would make the same effort to hang out with me as with his mate. But then again I started to feel selfish for feeling that way.. Link to post Share on other sites
Ay Diesel T Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 If he's been friends with his boy since they were kids, that's a strong bond you will not be able to weaken because you want him to pay you more attention. That's something that's instilled within your boyfriend. His mate has been around longer than you, they've probably been through alot more than you and your man. It's a tough call, a woman needs to feel loved. Definitely not second to a male friend or a woman for that matter. But there's alot in question here. Why do you feel second? Why are you jealous? It could be an insecurity issue. Have you had problems with lack of confidence, self-esteem in the past? There really is no right or wrong to this. A GF needs to feel loved, and a young man should be allowed to spend time with his friends. Maybe you require more attention than your boyfriend is willing to give, which isn't wrong, but it's definitely affecting your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yeahsussu Posted February 26, 2011 Author Share Posted February 26, 2011 (edited) Why do you feel second? Why are you jealous? It could be an insecurity issue. Have you had problems with lack of confidence, self-esteem in the past? I never really told him about me feeling like I´m number two. I guess I didn´t want him to think I´m selfish. It just made me a bit sad that he sometimes would cancel our plans just to go and hang out with his mate. But as I said, I would never ask him to stop hanging out with his best mate. I wouldn´t want him to tell me to stop seeing my girlfriends either. I guess it could be an insecurity issue. I´ve always had a bit of low self-esteem and lack of confidence. It kinda goes up and down. I didn´t have a lot of friends where I was living with him, and I didn´t wanna be clingy or needy, I guess that´s why I put up with it. Sometimes I think those two don´t really have such good influence on each other, if my BF has a beer his mate needs to have one too, and then it goes on like that until they are both so drunk that they barely know what day it is If his mate is single and hanging out with girls, I felt like my BF wanted to be single too so they both could check out girls.... you get my point? I don´t know if it is a guy thing or what... Edited February 26, 2011 by Yeahsussu Link to post Share on other sites
alexlakeman Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Men , we say, "bro's b4 ho's".... His friends were there b4 you, and will likely be there after you are gone... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yeahsussu Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 Any other thoughts here? I think it´s a quite a common problem among girls, at least they might have felt like this at some point in their relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 In response to your OP, that really depends. How often does he see that friend, and did he go out with you at other times? For example, if he'd spent most of his week with you and the friend just wanted to hang out once a week or something, I figure it'd be okay. Not so okay if he NEVER went out with you though. Link to post Share on other sites
SingVoice Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 You know after re-reading your OP... If he is making plans with you and then always cancelling for his friend...that's not really cool. Its one thing if he just spends a lot of time with them...it's another if he is blowing you off FOR them. How would his friends take it if he was constantly blowing them off for you? I think you need to talk to him about this. Not in a naggy way...but just sort of let him know that when he bails on you it's not cool. Link to post Share on other sites
jane100 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Hi Yessuhs, Alot of men, especially young men, belong to a boys club. It really comes before lots of things, including women. It is a formidable force, male loyalty to each other, even when sometimes its all "wrong". See a more recent thread about two (respectable) men laughing over a shared photo of their ex/girlfriend's breasts. Read the thread and weep:confused:. But being pushed aside as previous poster said - just not acceptable, even within the boyswork framework. Just go out at the same time LOL ... and not be available the following time ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yeahsussu Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 It's one thing to have a bond with your boy, but when you have a woman you have to make time for her no matter how long and close you and your boy is. If your boy is truly your friend he will know that the guy has to give some time for his girl. They could've kept hanging out, but maybe like on a specific day of the weekend and you got another day, that way when he was with his boy you could be with your friends. Its good to have someone outside of the relationship, but the weird thing I am getting is if I am out with me woman and we going somewhere to spend time together, why in the heck would I want my boy going unless he is bringing a date too. I would personally be questioning what the heck is going on, is he in the closet and just using you are a way to say he isn't gay? Just a thought. I can tell you he is not gay Anyway, we lived together so we saw each other every day, but didn´t necessarily do stuff together all the time. When we did have some plans he would often put up some excuse on how he is too tired or have to get up early for work. One time we went on a little romantic weekend at a really nice place in the country, just to meet up with his friend there who we then hang out with during the whole weekend. So much for romance. And one weekend we went to another big city, and of course his best mate just happened to be there as well, so we hang out with him during the evenings, even though I wanted to have some alone time with my man. He claims that we see each other every day so why couldn´t we hang out with his mate, but the thing is, my BF and I never do things together, just the two of us. He always needs to drag his best mate along if we´re going somewhere further away. It´s like he´s avoiding being alone with me. I guess I will never understand the bond between those two. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 He claims that we see each other every day so why couldn´t we hang out with his mate, but the thing is, my BF and I never do things together, just the two of us. He always needs to drag his best mate along if we´re going somewhere further away. It´s like he´s avoiding being alone with me. I guess I will never understand the bond between those two. You need to talk to him about this, if your 'never' is correct and you're not just picking and choosing the things that you 'count' as 'doing things together'. This is NOT normal unless he's like 16. Link to post Share on other sites
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