Mrlonelyone Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 The problem with so many of our "nice guys" is that they choose the wrong women. A genuinely nice person, and a genuinely selfish person aren't going to be compatable. Right off the bat let me state that I have no trouble finding women willing to have sex with me. I perhaps am just edgy enough to avoid being called "nice" (what with being bisexual and an honest to god mad scientist and all:cool:) Consider the following from my E-Harmony Personality profile. Pay extra special attention to "negative reactions others may have to you". You are best described as: USUALLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS Words that describe you: Understanding Unquestioning Humane Selfless Gentle Kindhearted Gullible Indulgent A General Description of How You Interact with Others Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances. But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush. You're also smart enough to know that you cannot take good care of others if you fail to take good care of yourself, so you listen to your own wants and needs. If you've run out of sympathetic energy, you spend time restoring yourself. If you've ignored your own pain or frustration, you find a friend who will listen well, or go into your own private healing place and give yourself permission to focus on you. But before long, you're back at it with your friends, offering a sympathetic ear and compassion on which they learn to trust, also giving straightforward advice and counsel when they ask for it. You do know how to take care of yourself, but your genuine interest is in taking care of others. Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light. Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds. All of these are false accusations; yours is a genuine compassion, because you truly have a tender heart. One criticism might be more substantial, though. People might notice when you let things get out of balance and spend so much time responding to others that you neglect your own needs. Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to. Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You Positive responses to you are likely to far outweigh negative responses. For many people, your genuine kindness will be an example of a way to treat others and a way we want others to treat us. They will see in you the traits of compassion and sympathy which they might want to focus on in the development of their own character. For those people you help you will be the friend they need, there at the right moment to help them when they've stepped into yet another thicket of pain or confusion. They will be grateful for your listening, for your straight talk when they need straight talk more than anything, and for the hand you extend so they can find their way, with your help, out of whatever tangle they've gotten themselves into. In short it's describing me as a genuinely nice person. I am someone who takes care of others at my own expense without wanting any reward. That a more selfish person may not react positively to me. So I need to just let selfish people be selfish I don't need them in my life. I need someone who will give back to me as I give unto them and do so out of true charity not obligation. What those who complain on here about women only going for jerks need to do is just let those particular women go. Like attracts like. Jerky men attract jerky women. Nice men attract nice women. If you are a truly nice guy who "usually takes care of others". Don't change who you are. Just change who you pursue. Link to post Share on other sites
Mangomonkey Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 I agree with this. The harder part is realizing when you have a bad woman in your hands. Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 When do nice guys actually get to choose?:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 (edited) When do nice guys actually get to choose?:lmao: When they first approach a woman and every time after they decide to interact with that woman. Nice guys have the same option of walking away that jerks and mean girls do. Contrary to popular beliefe there is no fundamental conflict between being truly "nice" and having confidence. To someone who's selfish being nice may look like a lack of confidence. That's only because they are projecting their own psychology and attitudes on nice people. A selfish person is only nice in order to get something or because they are weak. A selfless person is nice when they have extra to give and are strong. Nice guys and good girls just need to recognize that the mean girls and jerky guys are fundamentally different from them and leave them alone. Nice guys just need to find truly nice girls. Edited February 20, 2011 by Mrlonelyone Link to post Share on other sites
mo mo Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 But what if a girl is guarded with her emotions and doesnt seem nice at first, but actually has a heart of gold deep down? Link to post Share on other sites
EasyHeart Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Oh em gee, you guys are truly pathetic. Look, in the dating context "nice guys" is a term of art that describes needy, clingy men who are passive-aggressive and manipulate women by pretending to be "nice". It is not about having good manners or being understanding. "Nice guys" are the male equivalent of "psycho chicks". There are more than two kinds of men in the dating world. "Jerks" and "Nice guys" are the two extremes. Most of us are the 80-90% of men in the middle who are just normal guys. Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Well I hate the whole "nice guy vs jerk" dichotomy. I think it's more complicated than that. People have individual quirks to their personality beyond just being nice or not nice. How are we defining "nice guy" anyway? Is it someone who doesn't have much (if any) success with dating, or is it someone who doesn't have much success and then complains about it? Anyway, to say that it's simply a case of going for the wrong women is making it a whole lot more simplistic than it really is. Link to post Share on other sites
EasyHeart Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Oh, and if a woman rejects you by saying "You're such a nice guy" or your platonic friend that you secretly want to date says, "You're such a nice guy!", it means "I would totally love to date you if only you weren't so physically repulsive that the thought of having sex with you makes me want to vomit all over myself". Not all women you're attracted to will be attracted to you. That's what makes dating hard. It sucks, but we all have to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Oh em gee, you guys are truly pathetic. Look, in the dating context "nice guys" is a term of art that describes needy, clingy men who are passive-aggressive and manipulate women by pretending to be "nice". It is not about having good manners or being understanding. "Nice guys" are the male equivalent of "psycho chicks". My original post addressed people like you Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds. Nice guys just need to avoid people who think the above about anyone who's nice. I know that there are more than two types of guys. However those guys who are nice, need to just let go of the fact that some selfish women rejected them and find a nice girl who will appreciate them. Understand. Those on here bitterly complaining are only pathetic in so far as they are chasing after women who are no good for them. Not all women like jerks only jerky selfish women who think being selfish is normal and healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Well I hate the whole "nice guy vs jerk" dichotomy. I think it's more complicated than that. People have individual quirks to their personality beyond just being nice or not nice. How are we defining "nice guy" anyway? Is it someone who doesn't have much (if any) success with dating, or is it someone who doesn't have much success and then complains about it? Anyway, to say that it's simply a case of going for the wrong women is making it a whole lot more simplistic than it really is. I am not even trying to talk about that. Re read my original post. I am just pointing out that there are people in the world who are really "nice". Nice in that they care for others before they care for themselves if they have the resources to do so. i.e. They are the kind of guy who will help a elderly woman across the street. The problem is these guys keep chasing the wrong women. Why should a real Eagle Scout chase after a juvenile delinquent? They would not be compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 I am not even trying to talk about that. Re read my original post. I am just pointing out that there are people in the world who are really "nice". Nice in that they care for others before they care for themselves if they have the resources to do so. i.e. They are the kind of guy who will help a elderly woman across the street. The problem is these guys keep chasing the wrong women. Why should a real Eagle Scout chase after a juvenile delinquent? They would not be compatible. No I got that. But how in the world do you discern whether a person is nice or not before you actually know them? If a nice guy is really into Japanese pottery (I really don't know anyone into Japanese pottery but still) for example, and he meets a girl who is also into Japanese pottery, they hit it off, but she's not nice, and he is nice. Is she still the "wrong" kind of woman for him? That's what I mean by complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarlumps Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 No I got that. But how in the world do you discern whether a person is nice or not before you actually know them? If a nice guy is really into Japanese pottery (I really don't know anyone into Japanese pottery but still) for example, and he meets a girl who is also into Japanese pottery, they hit it off, but she's not nice, and he is nice. Is she still the "wrong" kind of woman for him? That's what I mean by complicated. Your argument makes no sense. Every girl I've known who was into Japanese pottery has been incredibly sweet. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 The problem is these guys keep chasing the wrong women. Why should a real Eagle Scout chase after a juvenile delinquent? They would not be compatible. That would make sense if I was chasing the same type of women each time. I'm not. Even then the girls I go for are sweet, funny, really nice and educated. There's nothing wrong with them. The problem is me. Link to post Share on other sites
jane100 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 I read this on the net today re. Nice Guy/Nasty Guy; Nice Girl/Nasty Girl It also makes sense according to the evolution theory because a jerk needs to be with a kind and compassionate woman that can help stabilize his insanity and anger issues. Nice men, of course, similarly to nice women, tend to reach out for a dominating partner because they are very intrigued by strength and confidence. True or False! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 No I got that. But how in the world do you discern whether a person is nice or not before you actually know them? Simple. Guys complain about being dumped, called nice, in favor of a supposed jerk. These guys should change their outlook. If a woman uses being too nice as grounds for dumping it means she's not nice. It means as the personality profile I copied says they are a more selfish person than you. To them a truly nice person looks like a fool, or makes them self conscious of their own selfishness. Nice guys just need nice girls. Nice girls like nice guys. Real true nice people not pretenders. Link to post Share on other sites
jane100 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Mr Lonely, I'm working on it. p.s. Off-topic, I'm still haunted by your post on gifted and talented people who hide their abilities to fit in all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 That would make sense if I was chasing the same type of women each time. I'm not. Even then the girls I go for are sweet, funny, really nice and educated. There's nothing wrong with them. The problem is me. The women you choose are only different on the surface. If you are a truly nice guy truly nice girls will like you. Don't confuse being sweet or educated with being a truly charitable soul. Dude. To find the woman of your dream go to church, or volunteer at a soup kitchen. Truly nice women will more likely be there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Mr Lonely, I'm working on it. p.s. Off-topic, I'm still haunted by your post on gifted and talented people who hide their abilities to fit in all the time. Sad but true. I have seen too many gifted people fry their brain with drugs or just play dumb to fit in. Not unlike a real nice guy acting jerky to fit in. It's sad because they are only going to be unsatisfied because the relationship will be based on an act. Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Simple. Guys complain about being dumped, called nice, in favor of a supposed jerk. These guys should change their outlook. If a woman uses being too nice as grounds for dumping it means she's not nice. It means as the personality profile I copied says they are a more selfish person than you. To them a truly nice person looks like a fool, or makes them self conscious of their own selfishness. Nice guys just need nice girls. Nice girls like nice guys. Real true nice people not pretenders. I don't accept your premise that the "nice guys" are going after the wrong women (at least not the majority of nice guys). The problem is that they aren't getting enough practice with dating and/or relationships, so every woman they meet becomes their one chance at finally having a girlfriend, and that impatience and desperation is what is unattractive not their niceness. Guys with experience tend to be a little more patient with these types of things and also tend to have more success. What is going to be far more effective than simply going after girls that seem nice is for these guys to get involved in things that they like in ways that involve other people. And to simply give up trying to find a girlfriend. Of course giving up doesn't mean completely avoiding women, but rather not putting pressure on interactions with women. Link to post Share on other sites
Mangomonkey Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 i agree with this too Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 But what if a girl is guarded with her emotions and doesnt seem nice at first, but actually has a heart of gold deep down? Are saying she may have came across as a bitch at first? Link to post Share on other sites
mo mo Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Are saying she may have came across as a bitch at first? As a bitch, or perhaps completely uninterested Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 As a bitch, or perhaps completely uninterested So you are saying she is a bitch , at the surface? :lmao: Don't mind me - I don't even know what I am talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
mo mo Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 So you are saying she is a bitch , at the surface? :lmao: Don't mind me - I don't even know what I am talking about. Noo I think you know. Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Noo I think you know. No, I never said - I did't know who we were talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts