A good therapist is hard to find

[Kamille]

Many of us here have seen our romantic lives hampered by destructive thought patterns. Finding love can be quite anxiety prone, as it involves allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable and, often, confronting our deepest fears about our own acceptability as a loving partner. Our anxieties can also hamper how we approach issues in relationships, by causing us to misinterpret our partner's actions.

 

I derailed a thread this morning when I made a comment about how to approach changes in thought-patterns. For those of you who have sought therapy...

 

1) What prompted you to seek therapy?

2) How many therapists did you see before finding the right match ? Or, how did you find the right therapist for you?

3) What strategies best worked for you? Why?

 

I'll post my own response shortly, when I have time.

[denise_xo]

1) What prompted you to seek therapy?

 

A combination of suicidal feelings, alcohol problems and a destructive male relationship.

 

2) How many therapists did you see before finding the right match ? Or, how did you find the right therapist for you?

 

I felt like both of my therapists were a really good match. Maybe I was just lucky. It was a 'first try' in both cases, the first worked at my uni counselling service and I was referred to the other one through a hospital. I did no prior research on their approaches or CVs or anything like that.

 

I saw one years before that who I didn't like, but I also didn't want therapy at the time (I was 'obliged' to go after a suicide attempt) so I can't really blame her that it wasn't working.

 

3) What strategies best worked for you? Why?

 

It's a while ago now so it's hard to remember all the details. But I think it was a combination of

- just being able to vent and let go (I never opened up to people around me)

- doing some of the child hood digging stuff opened up some understanding of how I'd ended up where I was

- becoming aware of and trying to address negative thought patterns and fears

- help to put practical strategies in place, like do x instead of y in situation z kind of thing

 

I really found it all immensely helpful, it was a decisive factor for me in trying to turn various things around.

[Kamille]

I sought therapy at three different times in my life. The first time I reached out to a therapist, I had hit rock-bottom. I woke up crying one morning and realized I was tittering on the border of depression. I had had depression as a teenager (I got out of it without therapy or medication), and all I knew was that I never wanted to experience that again.

 

The first therapist was very much an advocate of "tough love". It didn't work for me, first, because as many people trying therapy, I realized therapy was going to be a lot more work than I had bargained for. I wasn't ready. Second, his approach wasn't matched to my sense of self. I felt like he needed my situation to be a lot more "desperate" than what I thought it was. I generally felt disempowered when I was in his office. It mimicked too closely how my parents made me feel while I was growing up: like I was always wrong, mistaken, false, etc.

 

The second time, I'm not even sure why I sought therapy. I had only done three sessions with the first therapist and while he wasn't the right therapist for me, the little work we did had left me intrigued. I only went to two sessions with the second therapist, simply because I didn't see how her approach would work for me (it was mostly her listening to me and offering as little guidance as possible).

 

The third time was about a year after the second attempt. I was in a state of flux, having moved to a 3 city in so many years and preparing to move to a 4th one, the one where I currently am, to start my professional career. I was dealing with an insane amount of work-related anxiety which were rippling through my personal relationships. I felt like a compete failure, in spite of the fact that there was no evidence to support this. I was even starting to have anxiety attacks. I found this therapy by browsing the internet carefully. I knew I wanted a mix of humanistic and CBT therapy. I had decided I would meet with this therapist once and use the first meeting to decide whether or not I wanted to proceed with her. If not, I would move down the list of therapist I had identified and meet with the next one.

 

This therapist was outstanding. She was the perfect match for me. She helped me confront my worst fears not by putting me in a position of being "psychologically dysfunctional" but simply by teaching me to express my emotions, gently. Instead of "telling me how things are", she would suggests scenarios about my upbringing (the first therapist had assessed a scenario and basically acted as though his interpretation was superior to mine). The thing is, she was usually bang on and because of the way she would suggest them, I was prone to listen to her. We would work them out together, negociate meaning.

 

She helped me realize something I had never realized about myself: that I wasn't an assertive person. When I was confronted to an issue, she would validate how I felt, offer alternative scenarios, and allow me to decide what I wanted to do.

 

She would also tell me why she was adopting different types of therapies with me, which is something I greatly appreciated.

 

 

 

All these therapists were qualified and their therapies worked for some people. Not one of them was bad. It's just that, like a good partner, the right therapy match is hard to find.

[Star Gazer]

It's just that, like a good partner, the right therapy match is hard to find.

 

I just wanted to respond to this, above, before I answer your questions.

 

To the extent you're suggesting that a good therapy match is as difficult to find as a good romantic partner, I wholeheartedly disagree.

 

Most well trained therapists will work for most people, IF the person is really ready for therapy and open to listen to the therapist to begin with. If you're not ready, willing and able to do the hard work yourself, no therapist can help you.

[denise_xo]

I just wanted to respond to this, above, before I answer your questions.

 

To the extent you're suggesting that a good therapy match is as difficult to find as a good romantic partner, I wholeheartedly disagree.

 

Most well trained therapists will work for most people, IF the person is really ready for therapy and open to listen to the therapist to begin with. If you're not ready, willing and able to do the hard work yourself, no therapist can help you.

 

I wouldn't liken it to finding a romantic partner, but there's definitely more than a skill and competency set involved for me. Although therapists are 'neutral', in reality personality sips through and I need to feel a 'connection' (a non romantic one, obviously) with that person to feel comfortable. If I don't have that, I don't open up. If I don't open up, therapy is a waste of time. So I need to feel comfortable with the person, and not just the competency and knowledge the person embodies.

[Kamille]

I wouldn't liken it to finding a romantic partner, but there's definitely more than a skill and competency set involved for me. Although therapists are 'neutral', in reality personality sips through and I need to feel a 'connection' (a non romantic one, obviously) with that person to feel comfortable. If I don't have that, I don't open up. If I don't open up, therapy is a waste of time. So I need to feel comfortable with the person, and not just the competency and knowledge the person embodies.

 

This has definitely been my experience. There was something in my 3rd therapist's aura which I found comforting. During our first session, she told me: "You have used the word gentle three times do describe different relationships in your life. Is gentleness something that is important to you?" While she may have catered her approach to fit this criteria, I think she was just aware that the patients who were drawn to her were drawn to her gentleness.

[Kamille]

 

It's a while ago now so it's hard to remember all the details. But I think it was a combination of

- just being able to vent and let go (I never opened up to people around me)

- doing some of the child hood digging stuff opened up some understanding of how I'd ended up where I was

- becoming aware of and trying to address negative thought patterns and fears

- help to put practical strategies in place, like do x instead of y in situation z kind of thing

 

I really found it all immensely helpful, it was a decisive factor for me in trying to turn various things around.

 

That's a great description of what I experienced too, especially the one I bolded.

 

Dr C did an outstanding job giving me "coping tools" for when I lapsed into negative thought patterns. The first? Assess how tired I feel and respect my body. It sounds ridiculously simple, but as a child I wasn't allowed to use "being tired" as an excuse for anything.

 

(Interesting tidbit: Up until therapy, I used to catch every cold or flu that went around. I'm probably going to jinx myself, but since therapy, I haven't had a single cold!)

 

The second was to change my responses to stimuli. To take distance from my reactions to stimuli, observe them, and think through different types of responses.

[LifeIsGreat]

I don't want to hijack here, but simply want to commend those who have recognized bad thinking habits and have been willing to get help.

 

Most people who suffer with depression or 'bad' thinking NEVER get the help they need. Instead, they blame everyone around them for their un-happiness. Or they simply live the rest of their lives wondering why they can't keep a job, S/O. etc/

 

Hats off to you all

[cerridwen]

That's a great description of what I experienced too, especially the one I bolded.

 

Dr C did an outstanding job giving me "coping tools" for when I lapsed into negative thought patterns. The first? Assess how tired I feel and respect my body. It sounds ridiculously simple, but as a child I wasn't allowed to use "being tired" as an excuse for anything.

 

(Interesting tidbit: Up until therapy, I used to catch every cold or flu that went around. I'm probably going to jinx myself, but since therapy, I haven't had a single cold!)

 

The second was to change my responses to stimuli. To take distance from my reactions to stimuli, observe them, and think through different types of responses.

 

Kamille, you've been posting some good rich stuff here.

 

Has your therapist mentioned the 15 Types of Distorted Thinking classic? I've found that to be very helpful in identifying negative thought patterns. Google it if you're interested.

 

I'm a huge believer in the mind-body connection so that you're experiencing better health doesn't surprise me at all!!

 

I've been hitting this board up with a couple of questions about the Enneagram. No responses. I've been using it and found it to be a great self-development tool for becoming aware of your own thought patterns and reactions to stress. You might also find it helpful.

Edited February 3, 2011 by cerridwen

[TryingToMoveOn]

My Asian-american friends who are seeing therapists mention that it's nice for the therapist to be of the same background so they understand the family and societal issues without requiring much additional explanation. So to some extent cultural understanding matters too.

[Kamille]

 

Has your therapist mentioned the 15 Types of Distorted Thinking classic? I've found that to be very helpful in identifying negative thought patterns. Google it if you're interested.

 

I'm a huge believer in the mind-body connection so that you're experiencing better health doesn't surprise me at all!!

 

My therapist didn't discuss the 15 types of thinking, but I just looked them up and we definitely discussed the ones that I lapse into (generally all linked to lack of assertiveness): generalizations, self-consciousness, personalizing blame, emotional reasoning. She gave me a list of affirmations, helped me do exercises to help me challenge my obsessive thoughts, had me read up on assertiveness and non-assertive behavior. I remember the 5 types of non-assertive behaviors because I indulged in almost all of them (I was shocked!). We were really tackling cognitive distortions when I had to move back (I miss her!!!).

 

I'm currently looking for a therapist here to help me deal with the stress of starting a new job.

 

 

 

I've been hitting this board up with a couple of questions about the Enneagram. No responses. I've been using it and found it to be a great self-development tool for becoming aware of your own thought patterns and reactions to stress. You might also find it helpful.

 

I had never heard of it. I'll look it up.

 

My Asian-american friends who are seeing therapists mention that it's nice for the therapist to be of the same background so they understand the family and societal issues without requiring much additional explanation. So to some extent cultural understanding matters too.

 

That makes sense. I often wondered if one of the reasons it didn't work with the first therapists was because he was a man. I felt like, to some extent, he didn't get me. He kept talking about the fact I was single and aging and I was like: "Dude, least of my worries. Can we talk about the fact I feel my career is falling apart?"

Edited February 4, 2011 by Kamille

[lovingwhatis]

For me, therapy is in general too slow and expensive. I prefer a whole number of healing modalities that have been more effective with certain issues almost right away.

I fail to see how deep re-programming of the subonscious can happen as result of talk therapy.

With that said, im at the point of consdering why is it that certain therapies work only temporarily, or seem to not go at the root.

 

And yes, i did try a few dfferent therapists, and CBT seemed to be the most effective of the bunch.

 

And to carri, i like the enneagram and used to really identify myself as my type, but later found that to be limiting. And actually ive shifted a lot from my 4ness. You can google, there is a big enneagram forum.