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Ladies.. how has your depression affected your LTR's?


LifeIsGreat

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I was married to a woman being treated for depression. I also recently dated a woman for 2 years being treated for depression.

 

If you are very honest with yourself, could you please let me know how your depression affected your relationships. Would also like to know how your S/O was able to cope. Thanks.

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There has got to be some experience out there. How about it?

 

Well, I saw your thread earlier today but it seemed a bit depressing to dig up all that :p

 

More seriously, I had my most intense lows outside of my LTRs. But in the sense that they were effected, it was me projecting insecurities as well as acting on insecurities - in turn leading to faulty judgements - in turn leading to misunderstandings that had to be cleared up etc etc. Neither of my partners had to deal with the suicidal periods and that mayhem. I think if you're an SO to someone who is depressed, some of the most important issues are to not facilitate someone's depression but at the same time be supportive (can be an extremely difficult line to maneuver) as well as looking after oneself (because the sad reality is that depressed partners usually won't be the kind of support they should be in a relationship).

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TryingToMoveOn
Well, I saw your thread earlier today but it seemed a bit depressing to dig up all that :p

 

More seriously, I had my most intense lows outside of my LTRs. But in the sense that they were effected, it was me projecting insecurities as well as acting on insecurities - in turn leading to faulty judgements - in turn leading to misunderstandings that had to be cleared up etc etc. Neither of my partners had to deal with the suicidal periods and that mayhem. I think if you're an SO to someone who is depressed, some of the most important issues are to not facilitate someone's depression but at the same time be supportive (can be an extremely difficult line to maneuver) as well as looking after oneself (because the sad reality is that depressed partners usually won't be the kind of support they should be in a relationship).

 

My ex suffers through depression. I broke it off because I wasn't getting enough support in the relationship. But this sort of thinking creates a conundrum -- if someone suffers through depression and is unable to provide the right kind of support in a relationship, how can he/she be in a relationship that's healthy for both partners? It's something I don't really understand...

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Thanks for the replies.

 

I found being with a depressed S/O to be very frustrating. It seemed that her unhappiness was always my fault, no matter what I did.

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My ex suffers through depression. I broke it off because I wasn't getting enough support in the relationship. But this sort of thinking creates a conundrum -- if someone suffers through depression and is unable to provide the right kind of support in a relationship, how can he/she be in a relationship that's healthy for both partners? It's something I don't really understand...

 

I think it depends on the context. Someone who is already in a relationship can fall into depression, but may come out of it in the other end partly through the support of the partner. During that period, the partner isn't likely to get the support s/he needs, but it's then part of a long term investment. When you're in a serious, long term and healthy relationship, that is the kind of support one extends to each other, at least within reasonable time frames. But if the starting point is being single, my own preference is to work out the issues first.

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Thanks for the replies.

 

I found being with a depressed S/O to be very frustrating. It seemed that her unhappiness was always my fault, no matter what I did.

 

I'm not depressed per se, but I struggle with anxiety. I came to realize that when I am in an anxious period, I tend to nitpick at stuff in my relationship, and I can become quite demanding. (Asking for emotional validation).

 

Now bf and I are both aware of this and when I'm really really tired and stressed, I try to not mistake my emotions for reality. It's happened twice (in 18 months) that I was too exhausted to be able to talk myself out of it. I later apologized for what I did and he graciously accepted my apologies. Basically, we both know this about me. I try to recognize when it happens and he tries not to hold the moments when I lapse against me.

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Thanks for the replies.

 

I found being with a depressed S/O to be very frustrating. It seemed that her unhappiness was always my fault, no matter what I did.

 

I have learned that I must take responsibility for my illness and suffer the consequences for not getting treatment. I think of depression as an illness like alcoholism. Yes, alcoholism is a disease, but we can't stay with people if they continue drinking and not seek help.

 

One thing I've learned about depressed people is that there is persistent negative thinking that is wearing. I've also noticed depression makes people self-centered, which is understandable because they are in intense pain.

 

I have also learned that you can't "cheer" someone up by talking to them. You'll wind up frustrated. The best strategy is to go out and do something. Like go for a bike ride, art exhibit, play, etc, etc. I believe that moving the body is far better strategy than trying to deal with the mind. Also, moving the body releases endorphins, which feels so good to the depressed brain.

 

Hope this helps.

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TryingToMoveOn

Dating someone with depression was a complete eyeopener for me. You hear so much about depression with media advertisements, but most people don't understand how people's lives are impacted. I guess I still don't fully comprehend it either, since I'm mentally healthy, but I got a much better understanding of it after dating someone who suffers from depression. I bought a book to read up on it and was surprised at the different types of depression and the various ways that it affects people.

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Thanks all!

 

I can be a very nuturing & caring person; willing to stand by my S/O. However, I have found that negative/irrational thinking by someone with depression can lead to them mis-reading various cues in the relationship.

 

When my S/O's reacted poorly to situations, I NEVER got an apology. Had I hear "I'm sorry, I didn't really mean that" I could have stood by them forever. However, I would be blamed for their 'bad' behaviour.

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When my S/O's reacted poorly to situations, I NEVER got an apology. Had I hear "I'm sorry, I didn't really mean that" I could have stood by them forever. However, I would be blamed for their 'bad' behaviour.

 

Yes, that's a blind alley. Sorry you had to experience that.

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I think my depression definitely played a big role in my relationship falling apart, but then again, I think his reaction to it also contributed to the downfall.

 

I was trying to get on the right meds, and they weren't working -- they were actually making it worse. He didn't know how to deal with me and my behavior, when all I wanted/needed was some reassurance. It was imperative that I felt safe and secure in the relationship, and I didn't at all.

 

His inability to handle emotions or conflicts, in general, combined with my heightened state of emotional sensitivity just didn't not mix. I needed to communicate with him, for him to explain how he was feeling, and to work out the friction between us. And he couldn't. Not saying I was easy to communicate WITH, but I was trying.

 

Add into this that we were long-distance, and everything just fell apart unfortunately. Honestly, I felt abandoned in my "time of need."

 

I don't think either one of us were to blame, but under the circumstances and our inherent natures, we just didn't work.

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I've had bouts w/depression throughout my life. Not sure where it comes from b/c I have only gotten help like twice in my life. Finances and sometimes privacy hindered me from seeking further help. It started in college, but my grandmom used to ask me what was wrong with me when she'd observe me. I was confused about her asking me the question repeatedly, but later learned she too suffered from it and so did my mother.

My father also has some sort of mental issues that caused him to not be able to hold jobs and be neglectful of his children.

 

So, I say all that to say that my depression and my parents' relationship have affected my relationships. The guy I'm recently dealing w/ is patient with me, but it's truly difficult communicating w/him for other issues HE has as well. Also, I haven't really been upfront w/him about my depression b/c I never really thought every issue in our relationship was due to my depression, but more so a combination of both of our communication. He's made comments to me that I'm grumpy or moody, but IMO that's when he's trying to avoid conflict due to a behavior of his. I have another post about our relationship,btw.

 

...i'm exhausted just bringing up all this, whew!;)

 

Needless to say discussing it definitely helps, but is painful especially when depression hasn't been dealt with fully. Thnx for the thread.

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