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POLL: Absence. Does it make the heart grow fonder?


zengirl

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I wonder about this when people say it. Does absence really make YOUR heart grow fonder? When I don't see someone for awhile, I lose some desire to see them. Especially if I'm so busy I've not had much chance to think about them.

 

I love my boyfriend, and when we don't see each other, it's usually (ironically) my schedule, but after longer gaps---say a week or more---of not seeing him, seeing him is not such a big deal. It's like something I have to fit into my schedule and make time for, which I'll do but my motivation is much lower. When I DO see him, I always want to see him more/stay around/see him again, because we have fun and are so happy together. This has been true in most LTRs I've had. The more I see them, the more I want to see them, and long gaps make me lose interest.

 

Anyway, I'm curious to see if anyone else has any patterns in this area.

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I wonder about this when people say it. Does absence really make YOUR heart grow fonder? When I don't see someone for awhile, I lose some desire to see them. Especially if I'm so busy I've not had much chance to think about them.

 

I love my boyfriend, and when we don't see each other, it's usually (ironically) my schedule, but after longer gaps---say a week or more---of not seeing him, seeing him is not such a big deal. It's like something I have to fit into my schedule and make time for, which I'll do but my motivation is much lower. When I DO see him, I always want to see him more/stay around/see him again, because we have fun and are so happy together. This has been true in most LTRs I've had. The more I see them, the more I want to see them, and long gaps make me lose interest.

 

Anyway, I'm curious to see if anyone else has any patterns in this area.

 

The bolded bits really resonates with me. At the same time, I've had phases during LTRs when I've really been missing someone badly. I'm not sure which factors make it go this way or the other.

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Anyway, I'm curious to see if anyone else has any patterns in this area.

 

There is a saying for this: Wind is to fire like distance is to love; it extinguishes the small and enflames the great.

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I agree, for me absence does not make me grow fonder. I mean maybe a few days, but prolonged absences often make me want to move on. Why be with someone if I cant see them when I want to when there are plenty of girls around me who like me and I can see right now.

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I tend not to gauge the wind to the flame by everyday thought, rather those quiet emotional times like when I awake; times before the intellectual mind takes over and the processes of the day begin.

 

Distance and lack of contact IME cause the fire to die down for lack of fuel. All the wind in the world won't work unless there's some fuel to burn.

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I felt this way with my ex. When he was around I wanted him all the time, when he wasn't for long periods of time, I started to not care. At first I thought this was just normal for me in relationships until I met my boyfriend now who I hate being apart with. Even when him and I were broken up I couldn't go more than one day without talking to him or I'd go crazy. When it comes to him being away really does make my heart grow fonder of him. So with that experience I came to the conclusion that it wasn't the fact that distance doesn't matter to me, it's the person that matters. And when my heart and head are into someone alot, I miss them. When I'm not 100% into someone I start to care less the less I see or talk to them.

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For me, absence did make the heart grow fonder. My husband traveled for work and would often be gone for months at a time. When he returned, it was like a honeymoon. I would be frantic to see him again and he felt the same way.

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My feelings about not being around my boyfriend haven't changed significantly over the years. He can travel for weeks at a time due to his secondary career, we'll call each other a once or twice a week but there's no set in stone, daily contact.

 

I actually enjoy having time to myself in those periods when he's gone, but there is always an anticipation in meeting and catching up. I've never had the feeling that we are out of touch with each other.

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Crimson and Clover

I think it depends on how great (and long-term) the distance is?

 

When I was in lust/love, if I didn't see him for a few days it actually felt painful, I missed him so. But there wasn't enough substance to our relationship to have lasted for, say, a year apart.

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I don't see my man for months at a time. I miss him like crazy every single day we're apart. Does it make my heart grow fonder? Probably not. Does it diminish my feelings? Definitely not.

 

I love him - whether we're together or apart, it really makes no difference. To me love is a constant. I've never heard anyone say they love their children or their parents less when they haven't seen them for a while. I don't see the difference.

 

Love is love - romantic love is just love with an sexual element.

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Feelin Frisky

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is a way to tell someone who is love sick and facing separation for a time from their flame that there is something good to come out of this separation. It is not a universal law that applies to everyone, every time in every situation. If one's relationship is past the honeymoon phase, a break can be good. It doesn't mean that the break is going to change things for the better if the relationship is already on the wane. But if you're just beginning a hot romance and a lover must go away for a while, that separation can intensify the "want". And "want" is what romance is all about.

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For me, it really depends on the level and frequency of the communication while he's away. If it's quality communication and frequent, then it can maintain my interest/the connection somewhat. By quality communication, I mean that text is low quality, whereas voice/video is higher quality.

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I don't see my man for months at a time. I miss him like crazy every single day we're apart. Does it make my heart grow fonder? Probably not. Does it diminish my feelings? Definitely not.

 

This was true for me during my LDR, though I wouldn't say "like crazy every single day" because that would've driven me insane. I had to make an effort to keep things in perspective by sometimes focusing on other things and making myself forget the distance and the fact that I was missing him. In any case, 2 years, and we survived it. :)

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It depends on how long the absence is. IMO, if you guys are together most of the time and then one person leaves for like a week on a business trip or something, it DOES sort of make the heart fonder. The passion when you get back usually tops most days'. :)

 

But when the absence is longer (months, years), people typically dissociate and focus on their lives/hobbies more. You HAVE to, to survive.

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Feelin Frisky

It's great when you're in love and there has to be some separation for a short time. I can remember my first real requited love affair where my girl had to fly home to North Carolina for a week on family matters. We talked over the phone every day but when I went to pick her up at the air port it was like one of those slow motion things you see in commercials with music and I lifted her off the ground. We tore each other apart in the car and steamed up the windows before even leaving the air port. Absence was good to provoke that.

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We tore each other apart in the car and steamed up the windows before even leaving the air port. Absence was good to provoke that.

 

Absence is definitely good for making the lust grow stronger! ;)

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Interesting thoughts. When I've been away from my BF, I am always happy to see him -- and perhaps more excited than usual -- when I actually do see him, but I guess I feel less connected and thus my desire to see him ebbs in the meantime. I wonder if that's a consequence of trying to focus on the present? I always stop myself when daydreaming about the future or thinking of the past in a daydreaming (read: non problem-solving) way, as a general habit.

 

I also hate talking on the phone for long periods. I don't think I could ever do a LDR.

 

Another question: Does whether you're the one away/busy (like constantly busy) matter at all? I imagine if I were the one waiting for him, and he was busy but I wasn't, I'd be a little more antsy to see him during these periods.

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In my experiences and in speaking w/others, it seems to depend on the nature of the relationship with regards to when the separation occurs.

 

~If a couple is doing well (healthy relationship) and someone has to be absent for work, family,etc then heart typically grows fonder.

 

~However, when the couple is on the rocks and someone is holding animosity in their heart, or whatever the case may be, then absence may help one cope with the "necessary separation" and the separation may cause even more distance between the two.

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Either way...sometimes people use separation as a game...HOPING the SO will miss them, hence "proving something..."

 

That's hit or miss:o

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There is a saying for this: Wind is to fire like distance is to love; it extinguishes the small and enflames the great.

 

This is a quote from a french writer of 17th century Francois de la Rochefoucauld. Beautiful...

True love may diminish with the time but it never really extinguish completely. There are stories of people loving each-other for 20, 30 years though being apart.

 

For me, it really depends on the level and frequency of the communication while he's away. If it's quality communication and frequent, then it can maintain my interest/the connection somewhat. By quality communication, I mean that text is low quality, whereas voice/video is higher quality.

 

It works the same way for me. If the communication is good some LDR can survive though not endlessly (in reasonable time-frame). You can feel the connection with someone even in distance. If it doesn't work in distance, it is likely not going to work even if you are 24/7 with that person.

 

Does absence make heart go fonder ? Yes and not ! It depends how strong is the relationship to begin with. Like the french saying (see above) absence itself has an effect depending to the strength of feelings.

 

If the relationship is good absence will make it irresistible. If not, absence will kill it slowly.

 

In another perspective, if you read some NC experiences, the fact to keep strict NC will even make some dumpers want to get back their GF/BF. I think it is in human nature to miss what you don't have anymore.

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Feelin Frisky
Absence is definitely good for making the lust grow stronger! ;)

 

Nah, it wasn't like that. It was all "god, I love you. I missed you so much". No messing with each other's pee pees (until much later) :).

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At first I wanted to say no.

 

But from personal experience, absences did strengthen the relationship.

 

A long time ago I dated a guy for 2 months and then he went on a 3 month tour with a band. I was crazy about him and was afraid he'd be so happy on the road, he'd forget all about me. At first, he was having fun and didn't seem to miss me. Then 2 months into the tour, he called me and said how much he missed me. When he came back from tour our relationship was closer than when he left. And we dated for another 4 years.

 

And speaking of the same guy, after our break up we didn't see each other for 9 years. When I saw him again, it was like no time had passed. We didn't get back together, but we acknowledged that we had a very deep and significant relationship. And deep down still loved each other.

 

I think absence can work in a relationship as long as there is continue commitment to each other. If somebody can't pick up and the phone and have a conversation, then it's probably going to falter.

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I wonder about this when people say it. Does absence really make YOUR heart grow fonder? When I don't see someone for awhile, I lose some desire to see them. Especially if I'm so busy I've not had much chance to think about them.

 

I love my boyfriend, and when we don't see each other, it's usually (ironically) my schedule, but after longer gaps---say a week or more---of not seeing him, seeing him is not such a big deal. It's like something I have to fit into my schedule and make time for, which I'll do but my motivation is much lower. When I DO see him, I always want to see him more/stay around/see him again, because we have fun and are so happy together. This has been true in most LTRs I've had. The more I see them, the more I want to see them, and long gaps make me lose interest.

 

Anyway, I'm curious to see if anyone else has any patterns in this area.

 

 

No absence does not always make your heart grow fonder, in my case its the opposite, absence makes me fall out of love. I need consistency to feel things for someone. If I don't have it, I begin to lose interest.

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