clemsonbelle425 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Hey guys! Would appreciate ya'll's input on my situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 1.5 years. Things are going great with our relationship. We both are madly in love with each other. I am 27, & he is 29. Well, he has said in the past that he is unsure if he wants to get married. I know the idea of committment is huge for guys. I told him that I would marry him anytime he is ready. Well, I think the root of the matter is that he loves his alone time. He looks at porn often which I know about & have told him many times I accept it (which took some time in my heart but I know it is separate from our love). I know that he saves soft-core porn pictures of hundreds of females in folders on his computer. Everyday he saves more and more. I guess so he can masturbate to them. I accept that as his personal masturbation act. I think the root of the matter is he is scared that if we were to get married, he would have to give this up. I think he still thinks that this porn hurts me. I think I need to tell him that I love every part of him and accept him just the way he is. I think I need to let him know that he can continue this habit when we are married if he wants to. It does not bother me. I need to let him know I will always make sure he has his space and alone time. I will go on shopping trips or on jogs so he can have his alone/porn time. I just don't know when I should have this conversation. Should I just wait for him to bring up the topic of marriage? I don't want to freak him out. I just want him to know I accept him, all of him. I love him forever and always. Thank you guys for listening. Heart you! Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Right I am very understanding of male behaviours but I do not think saving hundreds of nude women to his hard drive is normal, it goes a bit beyond wank material and a bit more obsessive. Unless he is collecting them, which may be the case. There is so much porn and instantly available material online at the click that I cannot understand why he would need to keep saving them!! Funnily enough I find that odder than anything else. I agree that you should accept that masturbation and porn go on and i think it is healthy, I do it myself enough but likewise I don't think you should have to leave the house just so he can touch his cock! He should sneak them in and fit them around you really, or openly do it next to you, which I personally don't mind - though that usually ends in sex for me. I think the commitment issue has nothing to do with this and perhaps in his head you need longer to live together. It probably hasn't even occured to him to be honest because he has you where he wants you. I think you sound great and have a good attitude, but lay off the marriage stress at this stage. Link to post Share on other sites
Floridaman Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 You may accept his porn now, but when it starts interefering in the relationship, when he witholds from you and stops initiating, you'll feel a lot different. Look what you're offering to do: leave the home so he can pleasure himself? You're the one he should pleasure. Read through this woman's painful post on what happened to her as her partner focused more on porn and less on her. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t250079/ Search for DreamingOfTigers' and YouGoGirl's posts in that thread. Their husbands sexually ignored these ladies and deliberately chose to MB to porn. A tragic thing. About the many images on the HD, I speak as a former porn user who benefited from DreamingOfTiger's and YouGoGirl's help. They helped me kick this nasty habit. Though I only looked at regular sexual scenes, I still felt bad about it and wish I hadn't. Scroll down to my posts, which come in the third page of that thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=250079&page=3 Ask Emma, the OP there, if she likes the fact that her H ran out of the hospital like 10 mins. after their child was born so he could go home and pleasure himself to the videos he bought. Can you see what can become more important in a "man's" life? I know that's a long thread, but if your read through it, and get past the debate some posters engaged in, I think you'll benefit and may want to try to persuade your BF/future hubby to end his porn use. Believe me, you should be worth it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Yeah, I can't even fathom wanting or needing to save porn pictures to a computer, or paying for online porn in any way, when there is sooooooooo much free porn available on the web at all times. I was really liking your position on porn, as it was sounding far more hopeful than that of most who bring it up. Unfortunately I do not get a good vibe about your guy being the right marriage material for you. (deep sigh) Link to post Share on other sites
Pfiend101 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I've heard of guys saving pictures of girls they think are hot. I have videos on my PC. If anyone told me to delete them I would tell them to "suck it" no pun intended. Link to post Share on other sites
quietGuy13 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I'm a guy. I have girl pictures but i'm single and not married and I'm nowhere near marriage. The key for guys to being able to have pics and porn is to do it way before they get married. then when married we had enough so we don't need them Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Oh noes... my stbxH was a porn person. It wasn't so bad at first, we lived together and I figured I could handle his porn stuff, and 2-3x week he would jack off to porn, until it started affecting our sex life... or lack thereof. I would have to BEG him to suck his dick or get any kind of sexy time. I asked him why he had to look at porn when he had a willing wife... and I am not unattractive but not super hot either. I take good care of myself. He never could answer me. I'd never had to beg a guy I'd been with before for any kind of sex... usually they were the ones waking me up trying to get some! Don't marry this guy unless he can give a full account of why he feels the need to save all this porn! Why does he need all those pictures if he has you to satisfy him? When you give him oral sex or just sex is he fantasizing about his pictures or is he focused on YOU and what you are doing for him? I might be overreacting but this is red flag! Link to post Share on other sites
Author clemsonbelle425 Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Thank you guys so much for your help! Each of your stories and views has helped me immensely. Wish I could give each and every one of you a hug right now! *Cyber hug!* I've come a long way in accepting porn. I am and grew up in a Christian home where porn is considered the enemy. I truly feel like my bf's habit is getting less. The fact that my bf views porn is not my favorite thing about him, but it is something I accept. Floridaman, I applaud you in giving up porn. Doing that was probably extremely difficult, but believe me your lady appreciates it. Nothing makes a lady feel better than to feel like she is the prettiest, one-and-only woman in the world! It is destructive. I will tell you when I first found out about my bf's porn I went through a morning stage--cried in my pillow a few nights. Felt betrayed like I wasn't good enough. But now truly when I think about the women that do porn--this may sound conceited--but I know I am better than that. That makes me feel even better about myself. To my bf they are just boobs, not the woman he loves. I never thought I would get to the point that I feel this ok with it, but I do. Of course if he gave it up, that would be a plus but you can't change someone. You have to accept them. I pray for him though. I love the guy so much, unconditionally. Thanks again guys! Link to post Share on other sites
yah Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I told him that I would marry him anytime he is ready. Well, I think the root of the matter is that he loves his alone time. I think the root of the matter is he is scared that if we were to get married, he would have to give this up. I just want him to know I accept him, all of him. He is not ready for marriage. The reason may very well be his porn addiction or it may just be that he is not ready for marriage. No more "I think" this or that. Just ask him, "What is holding you back?" And then LISTEN to what he says. IMO, alone time is necessary for anyone but leaving the house just to give him masturbation time is ridiculous. I really think a man as you described is not ready for marriage at this time. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Oh noes... my stbxH was a porn person. It wasn't so bad at first, we lived together and I figured I could handle his porn stuff, and 2-3x week he would jack off to porn, until it started affecting our sex life... or lack thereof. I would have to BEG him to suck his dick or get any kind of sexy time. I asked him why he had to look at porn when he had a willing wife... and I am not unattractive but not super hot either. I take good care of myself. He never could answer me. I'd never had to beg a guy I'd been with before for any kind of sex... usually they were the ones waking me up trying to get some! Don't marry this guy unless he can give a full account of why he feels the need to save all this porn! Why does he need all those pictures if he has you to satisfy him? When you give him oral sex or just sex is he fantasizing about his pictures or is he focused on YOU and what you are doing for him? I might be overreacting but this is red flag! Ditto. The man still doesn't want to get down. Link to post Share on other sites
Floridaman Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Clemsonbelle, Please take a look at how this woman's hubby let porn devastate her marriage: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3220214&postcount=58 Disgusting... absolutely disgusting. .... I also had his mail stopped to this apartment last week because I asked him twice to change his address so his **** wouldn't get dropped here anymore. Strangely enough today, his bank statement got dropped off here. I need it for the lawyer so I opened it... Got curious and looked at the charges on it... Oh.... about $300 worth of porn downloads... About $100 of dinners for two people... ... So he's buying porn, paying for dinners (******* didn't pay for my dinners, we took turns, and definitely not $100 worth), and smoking again. What a worthless piece of ****. Link to post Share on other sites
fishtaco Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 This is no different than any other sort of addiction. So let's say he spends the same amount of effort on video games instead. There would be no difference. People have lost jobs and marriages from video game addiction. Anyway, if it's not interfering with your life with him, then it's no big deal. It's just an interest. Some people collect Star Wars figures, he collects softcore porn pics. If it's interfering, then it's obviously a problem. But it could be any sort of addiction and it'd be a problem anyway. I'm not sure how to resolve addiction problems. Maybe couples counseling? I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Floridaman Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) This is no different than any other sort of addiction. So let's say he spends the same amount of effort on video games instead. There would be no difference. People have lost jobs and marriages from video game addiction. Anyway, if it's not interfering with your life with him, then it's no big deal. It's just an interest. Some people collect Star Wars figures, he collects softcore porn pics. If it's interfering, then it's obviously a problem. But it could be any sort of addiction and it'd be a problem anyway. I'm not sure how to resolve addiction problems. Maybe couples counseling? I don't know. Respectfully disagree here. Excessive use of porn can lead to many problems in relationships. One husband ran out of the delivery room shortly after his wife gave birth so he could go home and beat off to some videos. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t250079/ Check our candeo.org to find out about these porn addicted guys so that at least you don't have to feel like the scum of the earth. And that is exactly what it makes you feel like. Probably followed by thoughts of: why is this guy's porn more important than me after I delivered his child? And yes folks if he is rushing away from the hospital to watch his porn instead of his wife and new son, then yes he has chosen his priorities. Just like an alcoholic rushes off to the bar. Another poster's husband ignores her sexually bec. he finds porn more fulfilling. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3057033&postcount=22 my husband routinely put his porn and masturbation habit before my sexual and emotional needs. He would withhold sex for months and lie about his activities. He was caught quite a few times and porn led to online dating etc etc etc. I feel that I am of very little worth to my husband especially after carrying his child. The woman whose post I referenced found her exH spent hundreds of dollars on porn, but little on her, like meals. And the OP here thinks she needs to leave the house so her BF can "knock it off" with the dirty pics. think I need to let him know that he can continue this habit when we are married if he wants to. It does not bother me. I need to let him know I will always make sure he has his space and alone time. I will go on shopping trips or on jogs so he can have his alone/porn time Am I blind or is there something wrong here? Edited January 29, 2011 by Floridaman Link to post Share on other sites
Floridaman Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 (edited) He looks at porn often which I know about & have told him many times I accept it (which took some time in my heart but I know it is separate from our love). I know that he saves soft-core porn pictures of hundreds of females in folders on his computer. Everyday he saves more and more. I guess so he can masturbate to them. I accept that as his personal masturbation act. I think the root of the matter is he is scared that if we were to get married, he would have to give this up. I think he still thinks that this porn hurts me. I think I need to tell him that I love every part of him and accept him just the way he is. I think I need to let him know that he can continue this habit when we are married if he wants to. It does not bother me. I need to let him know I will always make sure he has his space and alone time. I will go on shopping trips or on jogs so he can have his alone/porn time. I I see a lot of red flags here. One, he doesn't want to marry you. You're saying you're ready but he's "unsure." Methinks he enjoys porn more than you. Who would want a guy that prefers dirty pictures over his wife? His saving 100s of softcore pics of 100s of females on his computer... that sound ominous. It's like a hornets nest above the doorway that grows bigger and bigger. One day, one of those hornets is going to come down and sting someone. You need to remove the nest (the porn or your BF). I accept that as his personal masturbation act. I think the root of the matter is he is scared that if we were to get married, he would have to give this up. Doesn't this tell you something about him? It's like keeping former GFs. MB is legitimate and healthy, but excessive porn? I think I need to tell him that I love every part of him and accept him just the way he is. I think I need to let him know that he can continue this habit when we are married if he wants to. It does not bother me. Would you say this if your BF was an alcoholic? I need to let him know I will always make sure he has his space and alone time. I will go on shopping trips or on jogs so he can have his alone/porn time. This is crazy, Clem. You shouldn't have to leave your home so your H or BF can jerk off to dirty images. This whole thing is unhealthy. Your acceptance of it IMHO isn't healthy either. Marrying a guy like this is going to cause you more problems that healthy marriages don't need. I am and grew up in a Christian home where porn is considered the enemy. I truly feel like my bf's habit is getting less. The fact that my bf views porn is not my favorite thing about him, but it is something I accept. Floridaman, I applaud you in giving up porn. Doing that was probably extremely difficult, but believe me your lady appreciates it. Nothing makes a lady feel better than to feel like she is the prettiest, one-and-only woman in the world! It is destructive. I will tell you when I first found out about my bf's porn I went through a morning stage--cried in my pillow a few nights. Felt betrayed like I wasn't good enough. But now truly when I think about the women that do porn--this may sound conceited--but I know I am better than that. That makes me feel even better about myself. To my bf they are just boobs, not the woman he loves. I never thought I would get to the point that I feel this ok with it, but I do. Of course if he gave it up, that would be a plus but you can't change someone. You have to accept them. I pray for him though. I love the guy so much, unconditionally. Thanks again guys! You can accept many things, Clem, but you don't have to accept this. You say it doesn't bother you, but please re-read what you wrote: you came to tears about it. You're from a Christian home, so you should know what's right and wrong. You're not bound to marry him. It won't be wrong or you won't be weak if you leave him over this. I don't know if you're sexually intimate with him so you feel you "owe" him as you've given yourself to him (I know from experience), but please read what the other posters said, esp. DreamingofTigers. There are better men out there, Clem. You sound like a loving and attractive woman. You won't have any problem attracting one. A spouse's porn use could cause far more problems and hurt than any tears you'll shed by making a stand on this or leaving. These things about him should scare you. Please think things clearly. Edited January 29, 2011 by Floridaman Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Hey Clem where did you disappear to? I just wanted to say that I wouldn't bother marrying a guy that seemed unsure. Marriage requires a lot of energy to keep going and if the guy is holding back for any reasons it is best to at least give enough space to hang back and see what he does about it. Guys are masters at saying the right thing just like girls are often masters at providing the actions that look like love and connection to most guys. Most men are truly intimate with how they act and most women express their intimacy verbally. Amazing how many times guys will think their women truly loves them because she keeps the house clean or goes away with you for the weekend but she no longer says that she loves you. Or amazing how many girls will think that their man loves them because "he says the most amazing things" but won't 'remember' your anniversary and acts like a jack-ass in front of your mother or friends. For men: actions speak truest to feelings and for women words are clearer (watch for tone). Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Well I hope she had a nice long talk with him about his porn problem. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Well I hope she had a nice long talk with him about his porn problem. Hopefully she ran for the ****ing hills! Or at least talked..... Link to post Share on other sites
Floridaman Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Originally Posted by Duckduckgoose Well I hope she had a nice long talk with him about his porn problem. Hopefully she ran for the ****ing hills! Or at least talked..... Looks like the OP isn't posting on LS anymore. Her post count is the same. Clem, our advice was meant to help you, not condemn you or your guy. Am hoping she had second thoughts. This isn't the kind of situation a woman needs to get herself into. Just like if someone were to marry a problem gamber or alcoholic... If she feels the need to have to leave the home while he's MB'ing to porn BEFORE they get married, how much bigger a problem could his bad habit balloon into AFTER they're in wedlock? Link to post Share on other sites
mtber75 Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Hey guys! Would appreciate ya'll's input on my situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 1.5 years. Things are going great with our relationship. We both are madly in love with each other. I am 27, & he is 29. Well, he has said in the past that he is unsure if he wants to get married. I know the idea of committment is huge for guys. I told him that I would marry him anytime he is ready. Well, I think the root of the matter is that he loves his alone time. He looks at porn often which I know about & have told him many times I accept it (which took some time in my heart but I know it is separate from our love). I know that he saves soft-core porn pictures of hundreds of females in folders on his computer. Everyday he saves more and more. I guess so he can masturbate to them. I accept that as his personal masturbation act. I think the root of the matter is he is scared that if we were to get married, he would have to give this up. I think he still thinks that this porn hurts me. I think I need to tell him that I love every part of him and accept him just the way he is. I think I need to let him know that he can continue this habit when we are married if he wants to. It does not bother me. I need to let him know I will always make sure he has his space and alone time. I will go on shopping trips or on jogs so he can have his alone/porn time. I just don't know when I should have this conversation. Should I just wait for him to bring up the topic of marriage? I don't want to freak him out. I just want him to know I accept him, all of him. I love him forever and always. Thank you guys for listening. Heart you! Thank you for understanding that this is just a fantasy for us! Its a great stress relieve for me! If you really don't like it, slowly whine him off it by watching them together? That way he will start focusing his attention on you, not some fantasy! You know the fastest growing market for porn are women! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Bwahahaha take a look at my threads and see hue much it saved my "terrible marriage." "just a fantasy and stress relief." yes those fantasies can save you from those stressful relationships! Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Bwahahaha take a look at my threads and see hue much it saved my "terrible marriage." "just a fantasy and stress relief." yes those fantasies can save you from those stressful relationships! ^^^^^^^ This. They choose to live in their fantasy land cause real women are too much work. Get a blow up doll and a pocket pussy for them, they are teenage boys not men. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 (edited) When I have a willing and loving partner why would I want an imitation? No man in his right mind would need that from the outside. I only turn to porn when I'm in a dry spell or sexually unfulfilled in a relationship. At 43 I still have a high libido. Ask yourself if you want to live with this frustration for years to come. If it's starting to affect your self esteem and self image now it will only build over time. Edited February 19, 2011 by sumdude Link to post Share on other sites
fishtaco Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Respectfully disagree here. Excessive use of porn can lead to many problems in relationships. Huh? You know excessive use of ANYTHING can lead to many problems in relationships right? Do you know they have support groups for spouses of people addicted to video games? Do you know how many lives and families have been destroyed by gambling addiction? And I don't even need to bring up chemical addictions, such as alcohol or narcotics. The addiction is the problem, the subject of the addiction is irrelevant, be it porn or crack cocaine. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Consider the claims of a man who is "madly in love with you" yet would forgo marrying you if it meant giving up nudie pics. If they are non threatening to the relationship and therefore something you should accept, why would he not want to marry a flesh and blood person he is in love with if it meant parting with them? More over, if they are non threatening and something you should accept, why would he assume you'd require he get rid of something he claims is harmless to the relationship? So far, it seems you don't know that preserving his ever growing porn folders is really and truly his motivation in not wanting to get married right now. Its been a year and a half and he may need more time. Talk to him about his reservations. Bring up your suspicion that it is his porn collecting he is so concerned over (so much that he'd not marry someone he loves). Maybe its not his porn preventing him from moving forwards at all and you're not so accepting of it as you claim; only pinning it on the porn because you do find the level of his habit disturbing? Link to post Share on other sites
Ay Diesel T Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Oh noes... my stbxH was a porn person. It wasn't so bad at first, we lived together and I figured I could handle his porn stuff, and 2-3x week he would jack off to porn, until it started affecting our sex life... or lack thereof. I would have to BEG him to suck his dick or get any kind of sexy time. I asked him why he had to look at porn when he had a willing wife... and I am not unattractive but not super hot either. I take good care of myself. He never could answer me. I'd never had to beg a guy I'd been with before for any kind of sex... usually they were the ones waking me up trying to get some! Don't marry this guy unless he can give a full account of why he feels the need to save all this porn! Why does he need all those pictures if he has you to satisfy him? When you give him oral sex or just sex is he fantasizing about his pictures or is he focused on YOU and what you are doing for him? I might be overreacting but this is red flag! That's so hot. Damn. Funny though. :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
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