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He wants me to pursue him.


Gypsy_Soul

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I'm not a pursuer at all, I'm just not used to it for crying out loud! I have seen this guy only once in December and since then it's been a few phone calls and mostly texts. He has initiated the majority of texts and me the phone calls.

 

He hasn't asked me out on a date. The only thing he has done is invited me come over to his place while he watches football and I give him a massage!:rolleyes: Which I didn't!

 

He tells me that all I have to do is let him know when and where I want to go out and he will be all for it. He says that I need to take initiative in the pursuing too.

 

Well, I don't know if this is normal or not but I've never been the pursuer and for me to be the one that makes the deciding and planning and having to ask him to take me out somewhere just seems weird.

 

What do you all think?

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It sounds like he's playing games. If I liked somebody, I wouldn't wait 3-4 weeks to see them.

 

With that said, there is nothing wrong with pursuing. I have done it a lot and my major relationships began with me making the first move. But the guys ran with my initiative and it became an equal thing. I was not chasing anybody. What's funny is that the men I've dated always claim that they made the first move. But really, they didn't. But who cares anyway. I had great love by making the first move.

 

Pick something you really would like to do and ask him out. If he brings his A game to the date, then great. If he's boring and lackadaisical than you know to delete his number.

 

Have fun.

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I don't think there's anything wrong in pursuing. For myself though I am not comfortable with it because I've never had to do it and quite frankly I just believe I should. I'm used to being pursued. I do believe that when a man does the pursuing that he is most likely interested. If I did it then he might not really be interested but I just may be someone he will use to hang out for the time being until he finds someone better. It's a possibility.

 

I've told him many times that I am interested in getting to know him, I just don't feel like he's interested because he doesn't pursue. He said that he will not be the only one doing the chasing that it has to be equal, but like I mentioned before, he hasn't asked me out on a proper date.

 

Well, he's in his 30's and if he is playing games, I don't know for what? If I pick something what should it be? I'm just lousy at this kind of stuff because I don't pursue. I've been in a long term relationship before and it's been equal in deciding and picking stuff to do together but when newly dating someone I just don't know what or where to invite a guy. Listen to me :laugh: I just feel awkward having to invite a guy to do a date.

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:laugh:So I guess then that makes us both narcissitic! I guess I've met my match!

 

Well, I'm a traditional woman, and I just believe in chivalry and that men should be the ones that pursue women.

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Untouchable_Fire
I'm not a pursuer at all, I'm just not used to it for crying out loud! I have seen this guy only once in December and since then it's been a few phone calls and mostly texts. He has initiated the majority of texts and me the phone calls.

He hasn't asked me out on a date. The only thing he has done is invited me come over to his place while he watches football and I give him a massage!:rolleyes: Which I didn't!

He tells me that all I have to do is let him know when and where I want to go out and he will be all for it. He says that I need to take initiative in the pursuing too.

Well, I don't know if this is normal or not but I've never been the pursuer and for me to be the one that makes the deciding and planning and having to ask him to take me out somewhere just seems weird.

What do you all think?

 

He doesn't really respect you. The classless football massage invite and low effort level is proof.

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Thanks Untouchable_Fire! I kinda figured that. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, so I have to make sure.

 

My way of thinking was that since he is willing to take me out anywhere I wish and all I have to do is tell him he'll do it that he seems like maybe he should be given a chance. Oh and yes, the football massage thing was a laugh. I just thought he wasn't creative enough or something. Maybe I was being naive.

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If you're interested, make a move. If not, take off. I'm certainly not a fan of the guy's attitude, but I'm not totally on your side either.

 

 

I'm not a pursuer at all, I'm just not used to it for crying out loud!

 

 

First time for everything my dear.

 

 

I've never been the pursuer and for me to be the one that makes the deciding and planning and having to ask him to take me out somewhere just seems weird.

 

 

Whether we like this guy's attitude or not, you have to decide if you're interested. If you are, make a move. Doesn't matter if it's "weird".

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To me, people who expect others to come to them are narcissistic, men and women.

 

Sometimes men just want to know if a women really likes them too. So in that case they want the women to come at them (in one way or another). That way he can establish she's into him too.

 

If the man is the one who has to do everything, the chasing, the seducing, kissing her instead of her kissing him, etc.

 

Then it will have been all him. He will wonder if she actually likes him too, or that she'll just go along for a fling and then lose interest after the fling lost its momentum.

 

So I don't think you can throw it all under narcissism.

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What do you all think?

 

When he contacts you, is the majority of the contact about him? Or is it balanced? What's your attraction style and how does this validate or negate it? If you find a man who is into himself to be attractive to you, go with that. If you find a man who is into you to be attractive, go with that.

 

My quick read is that you *want* a man who's into you, but, yet, you are posting this thread. Seems to me, if correct, this guy's a no-brain friend-zone. So, why did you post the thread? Is it, somehow, that want and attraction aren't matching up? ;)

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I'm not a pursuer at all, I'm just not used to it for crying out loud! I have seen this guy only once in December and since then it's been a few phone calls and mostly texts. He has initiated the majority of texts and me the phone calls.

 

He hasn't asked me out on a date. The only thing he has done is invited me come over to his place while he watches football and I give him a massage!:rolleyes: Which I didn't!

 

He tells me that all I have to do is let him know when and where I want to go out and he will be all for it. He says that I need to take initiative in the pursuing too.

 

Well, I don't know if this is normal or not but I've never been the pursuer and for me to be the one that makes the deciding and planning and having to ask him to take me out somewhere just seems weird.

 

What do you all think?

 

He is a lazy ass dude and he isnt that interested - move on girl. He gets a fail.

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The only thing he has done is invited me come over to his place while he watches football and I give him a massage!

 

This being the first thing he asks of you, makes it sound like this guy does not have a lot of class. I could be wrong, because I don't know him. But perhaps you have to think about if this is really the type of man you're looking for.

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FreeheartLover

My boyfriend insists on equal parts initiation - so the pressure's not just on him to come up with ideas and plans, and I'm OK with that. But your guy just sounds plain lazy.

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paddington bear

I had a guy like this. Him wanting me to pursue him meant that he wasn't that sure about me, but yet wanted the ego boost of being chased and then at liberty to decide if he wanted me or not.

 

For me, and only due to the above, it is a red flag.

 

*edit - oh and of course this behaviour meant that of course after I did chase, he figured out he didn't want me after all

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Although he seems to be good with communication, he does not sound like they type of guy you should be dating or anyone.

All he needs is one of those "real doll" things that would be the perfect girl for him.

If are have gotten used to speaking to him and are reluctant to stop try letting go slowly. He may realise that you are doing this and try to "punish" you by ignoring you a lot which may hurt. But he is most likely going to hurt you anyway in some cruel unexpected way. So why not leave on your own terms, before he does?

It will save you spending time wondering what you did wrong and replaying all the communication you had with him trying to figure out what happened.

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When he contacts you, is the majority of the contact about him? Or is it balanced? What's your attraction style and how does this validate or negate it? If you find a man who is into himself to be attractive to you, go with that. If you find a man who is into you to be attractive, go with that.

 

My quick read is that you *want* a man who's into you, but, yet, you are posting this thread. Seems to me, if correct, this guy's a no-brain friend-zone. So, why did you post the thread? Is it, somehow, that want and attraction aren't matching up? ;)

 

Great point Carhill! It should be exactly that, except he contacts me with texts every other day or so with, "What's good?" :D So I answer and he never really invites me to go out on a date or anything. Which I asked him about this and that's when I got the, "if you choose where to go, we'll go" thing. I guess, I just needed it confirmed by another point of view. Thanks!

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Although he seems to be good with communication, he does not sound like they type of guy you should be dating or anyone.

All he needs is one of those "real doll" things that would be the perfect girl for him.

If are have gotten used to speaking to him and are reluctant to stop try letting go slowly. He may realise that you are doing this and try to "punish" you by ignoring you a lot which may hurt. But he is most likely going to hurt you anyway in some cruel unexpected way. So why not leave on your own terms, before he does?

It will save you spending time wondering what you did wrong and replaying all the communication you had with him trying to figure out what happened.

 

I thought those same exact things:laugh::lmao:

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I had a guy like this. Him wanting me to pursue him meant that he wasn't that sure about me, but yet wanted the ego boost of being chased and then at liberty to decide if he wanted me or not.

 

For me, and only due to the above, it is a red flag.

 

*edit - oh and of course this behaviour meant that of course after I did chase, he figured out he didn't want me after all

 

Ditto. Major red flags especially if after two dates they start " demanding" you chase.

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I don't think it's normal, if by normal you mean common, at least not in my experience. Can't say whether you should do it or not, but if it happened to me, I'd drop him straight away. I'd feel he was playing some sort of game to test my interest and have a sneaking suspicion he did this kind of thing a lot. 'Pulling my strings' like this would bother me. No, it feels totally wrong. In fact, something similar has happened and we effectively have a stalemate. I did rather like him but his constant attempts to flirt, flatter and entertain me only to then switch (when I show interest) into encouraging me to chase him really turned me off. When I responded (flirting back), he backed off and made it clear the next step's up to me. No way do I want to get involved with someone who will try to manipulate me like that.

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I don't think it's normal, if by normal you mean common, at least not in my experience. Can't say whether you should do it or not, but if it happened to me, I'd drop him straight away. I'd feel he was playing some sort of game to test my interest and have a sneaking suspicion he did this kind of thing a lot. 'Pulling my strings' like this would bother me. No, it feels totally wrong. In fact, something similar has happened and we effectively have a stalemate. I did rather like him but his constant attempts to flirt, flatter and entertain me only to then switch (when I show interest) into encouraging me to chase him really turned me off. When I responded (flirting back), he backed off and made it clear the next step's up to me. No way do I want to get involved with someone who will try to manipulate me like that.

 

Yes the whole thing is not normal to me, so I wanted to know if it's common for guys to act this way. Apparently, it does happen but it's not something I want for myself. What's wrong with guys like this?

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:laugh:So I guess then that makes us both narcissitic! I guess I've met my match!

 

Well, I'm a traditional woman, and I just believe in chivalry and that men should be the ones that pursue women.

 

I think you just answered your own question - this doesn't exactly look like a match made in heaven :laugh:

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I was pursing this girl for about month. I initiated everything like the phone calls, arranging dates, kissing, hugs, holding hands, etc....

 

After a month I got tired of pursing her because I was doing all of the work. So I stopped calling her and about 2 weeks later, she calls and asks me out for this weekend. I'm not going to try as hard as before because like I said, I got tired of doing all of the work and I'm not a doormat.

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lol wait, you supposedly like this guy, and he's told you all you have to do is pick a time and place and he's there. Yet you can't even do that? Wtf?

 

Hahaha this blows my mind. You realize guys regularly ask out girls. Except the situation is generally (1) They have no idea if the girl likes him at all (2) The girls may regularly flake out even if they do like him (3) The girls will regularly make "excuses" because they have anxiety over going, which overrides whether they like the guy or not.

 

Here you know he likes you AND he will show up. Hahahahaha. Anyhow, yeah this guy is such a game player. I can't believe he's like that. Lol.

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Thanks Untouchable_Fire! I kinda figured that. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, so I have to make sure.

 

My way of thinking was that since he is willing to take me out anywhere I wish and all I have to do is tell him he'll do it that he seems like maybe he should be given a chance. Oh and yes, the football massage thing was a laugh. I just thought he wasn't creative enough or something. Maybe I was being naive.

 

To me this is what he likes to do. Watch football and get massages. So he invited you to do that. Awesome. Then you're like why don't we ever do what I want to do! (little kid voice) So he says sure tell me where and when then we'll do that. Haha I can't even mimick your response. It'd be a combination of him being a player, him being lazy, him not being worth your time, you never having to plan and it's not fair, "girls don't do this", and I don't know I'm still reading the replies and I find them entertaining.

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It does sound like he wants you to pursue him,and the massage thing is a bit much for a first meeting.He sounds like a stuck up jerk.If it were me i would take you out on a real date,dinner,dancing:)

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