USMCHokie Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Speaking in very general terms, if you possess a certain quality, trait, special skill or talent, any personal, educational or career achievement(s), or have any other remarkable characteristic about yourself, do you find it better to let it all out on the table right away or conceal it and reveal it only when appropriate or necessary? In other words, when you are dating or even just approaching someone, would you rather act relatively average so that you can "surprise" someone later on or flaunt what you've got in hopes that it makes you seem more desirable right away? Likewise, would you rather have someone reveal themselves right away to fuel the attraction, or would you rather be pleasantly surprised later on? What do you personally prefer to do? And what do you respond better to? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Nope. I don't do that. Flaunting of anything, particularly to make yourself seem more desirable, is actually rarely attractive. It actually turns me off. IMO, if one feels the need to do so, it's coming from a place of needing to advertise in order to convince the other person of your worth (i.e., you're insecure). I don't lay all my awesome qualities and achievements out on the table right away, but I certainly don't hide it in order to "surprise" someone and make myself more desirable later either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 I don't lay all my awesome qualities and achievements out on the table right away, but I certainly don't hide it in order to "surprise" someone and make myself more desirable later either. When I wrote the OP, I knew that "surprise" was much too strong a word for what I was trying to say, but I couldn't think of another word. Hence the quotes around it. I'm thinking more along the lines of, 'wow, I didn't know [whatever it is], that's really cool'. But not intentionally concealing it so far as to try to manipulate the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Nope. I don't do that. Flaunting of anything, particularly to make yourself seem more desirable, is actually rarely attractive. It actually turns me off. IMO, if one feels the need to do so, it's coming from a place of needing to advertise in order to convince the other person of your worth (i.e., you're insecure). "Flaunting" might have also been too strong a word. Demonstrating is probably a better word to connotate the extent you reveal a quality. So if a guy doesn't demonstrate any of his qualities to you (e.g., intelligence and ability to converse smartly, dashing good looks, good education, etc.), then where do you draw your attraction to him from...? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 "Flaunting" might have also been too strong a word. Demonstrating is probably a better word to connotate the extent you reveal a quality. So if a guy doesn't demonstrate any of his qualities to you (e.g., intelligence and ability to converse smartly, dashing good looks, good education, etc.), then where do you draw your attraction to him from...? He can demonstrate his intelligence to me without telling me about his educational and career accomplishments or titles. He can demonstrate that he's attractive by just sitting there and smiling, he doesn't have to go beyond that, like by running around shirtless or telling me about how many women flirt with him. Frankly, attraction comes from gleaning the fact that someone's intelligent, witty, funny, handsome, etc., without him doing anything to try to demonstrate or flaunt those qualities to me. He's just...himself, and I figure it out, for myself. What you're suggesting, Hokie, is the very definition of "trying too hard." Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 When I wrote the OP, I knew that "surprise" was much too strong a word for what I was trying to say, but I couldn't think of another word. Hence the quotes around it. I'm thinking more along the lines of, 'wow, I didn't know [whatever it is], that's really cool'. But not intentionally concealing it so far as to try to manipulate the other person. What's with all the back peddling? You used phrases like "in the hopes that it makes you seem more desirable" and "fuel attraction." There's obviously a level of manipulation there. Why don't you try just being yourself? Quit the puffery. You don't need it. I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 He's just...himself, and I figure it out, for myself. This is what I mean by not "flaunting"...by not actively demonstrating something...but how does one stand out in a crowd of mediocrity? Let's just take online dating, for example. Let's say the same guy posted two profiles with the same pictures. In the first profile, he only listed a minimal amount of information about himself. In the second profile, he revealed a lot more about himself and painted himself in a much more favorable light. Which would be more appealing to you? That is what I mean by the proverbial "flaunting." Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 If selling myself and playing up my good qualities, to an extent in which it felt forced and not as though I was being my usual self; I would rather miss out on a person, if the only way I could get them to want to be with me initially, was due to the inflation of my great points. To some extent, I think all people sell themselves on a daily basis; if we are tired and look and feel like sh*t, women normally put make up on to look fresher and neither geners just slump down on their desk when they are tired or feeling off - we try to look b,etter than we reallly look and feel. Although, I DO think you should try to convey to people the person you really are - some people I know of naturally seamed apt at getting certain parts of themselves accross ( not just to impress the opposite sex, but these people seamed to enjoy flaunting certain attributes in general, to any one who listened). If it comes fairly naturally, I think there is nothing wrong with manipulating your interaction with a potential partner; if there is an aspect about you that is genuine and you feel good showing it to people, it may feel good to try to get the attention of another person by either surprising them with it, or vice versa. As long as you do not lie or make it so that the person ONLY becomes interested with you to begin with, because of an act you have put on ( obviously, they will find out who u really are if they were to spend time with you in a serious relationship). Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Which would be more appealing to you? It doesn't matter. I know people are more than a profile. Thus, I'd meet both, and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 One should reveal one's qualities with class and restraint. That doesn't mean being purposefully obscurring. Just use some common sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 One should reveal one's qualities with class and restraint. That doesn't mean being purposefully obscurring. Just use some common sense. And it's this restraint that I'm most curious about... Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 It doesn't matter. I know people are more than a profile. Thus, I'd meet both, and go from there. Ok, then that was a bad example. For the most part, online dating is physically motivated. As you have just shown, what one reveals or doesn't reveal isn't determinative. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I don't believe you have to ACTIVELY or PURPOSELY demonstrate or hide your qualities-just let it flow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 As long as you do not lie or make it so that the person ONLY becomes interested with you to begin with, because of an act you have put on ( obviously, they will find out who u really are if they were to spend time with you in a serious relationship). And this is the flip side of the argument...when one reveals something about themselves that the other person becomes drawn or fixated to, then the resulting attraction can potentially be built upon a single characteristic rather than the whole person... Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 And it's this restraint that I'm most curious about... Well, I'm just applying it to myself. I like to look good but there's a limit on things I'll do. I come from Brooklyn NY originally and lived in ginnyland (No offense to anyone). But there was this disco a block away just like in Saturday Night Fever. It was famous and called Pastels. There were mens clothing shops in my neighborhood that had a lot of right off the boat Euro fashions. A lot of guys would buy all this stuff--like these effete half loafers and wear no socks and these kind of almost bull fighter pants and get these quiffy hair cuts and stuff. A lot of these guys were good-looking to start off with but their zealousness in these fashions didn't project anything to me but insecurity underneath. I know I'm hansome. I don't have to convince anyone. My dimples are enough--my clothes don't have to compete with me. To myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Yeah, Frisky said it. You don't have to talk about or advertise that you are awesome. Just be awesome. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Ok, then that was a bad example. For the most part, online dating is physically motivated. As you have just shown, what one reveals or doesn't reveal isn't determinative. Huh? I didn't say that at all. Also, for me, online dating is actually NOT physically motivated, and when I see dudes flaunting, I'm actually kinda grossed out. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 It's a dilemma mostly when those traits are really on your mind and you're wanting them to get noticed. It depends how self-conscious you are. It's probably better to let the her decide for herself what is remarkable about you. Chances are she will notice things you weren't really thinking about. On the other hand, if you shove what you think is so great right in front of her, then you're taking the gamble that she thinks those things are important. She might not, and she might not want to take the time to get past your wall of greatness. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 What you're suggesting, Hokie, is the very definition of "trying too hard." Repeated for emphasis. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Huh? I didn't say that at all. Scenario posed by my example: two profiles with identical photos, but different amount of profile content. You said: "It doesn't matter." Inference. The pictures were enough to warrant meeting both guys. Also, for me, online dating is actually NOT physically motivated, and when I see dudes flaunting, I'm actually kinda grossed out. My example had nothing to do with flaunting in the way I think you're referring...the dude always had his shirt on... Link to post Share on other sites
OceanGirl Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Sorry Hokie, I always think that people who blatantly flaunt their degrees/jobs/properties they own/number of women they can get et al are douches. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 And this is the flip side of the argument...when one reveals something about themselves that the other person becomes drawn or fixated to, then the resulting attraction can potentially be built upon a single characteristic rather than the whole person... This happens. It happened to me. I have had people become enamoured with my thick hair and my body before; in addition to my looks, I had a fun enough personality for them to be over all - interested in getting to know me better. In the end, I did not have much else to me - I had not developed a personality at that stage, and so the initial attraction to me was built around one or two characteristics. Needles to say, it was never enough to have a healthy or sustainable relationship. I think that it is good if you have somthing really cool that you can enhance; if it is truly a GENUINE quality you have, you are not lying by being very up front about this trait and trying to get them to notice it. Obviously, you just cannot rely on that one thing to go the distance. Most people have far more than ONE good thing about them though, lol! It is just like you noticing a pretty girl, that gets your attention; she needs more than your initial attention for you to want to be in a relationship with her. You also need to be the right person for another person to be a good match for; a few good things you show off can work, if you are otherwise still a good match for her. Like STAR said - the things you try to highlight should be more personal - such as the ability to make people laugh - flaunting a degree or your ability to make good money is a major turn off, as you know; hence perhaps SAVING some good things for later:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 What you're suggesting, Hokie, is the very definition of "trying too hard." Ok, I should clarify because it seems like everyone thinks I'm going through an internal debate as to whether I want to be a flaunter or a concealer...I know exactly who I want to be and how I want to present myself...and everyone summed it up pretty well by saying that we should go with the flow and just be ourselves...and let people figure out what makes each of us awesome...and I am 100% on board with that philosophy and have made pretty significant strides towards that... The situation happened last night which made me curious about this...I was out at a club with my friend for his birthday. He is my gorilla-sized gym buddy who was wearing a painfully tight shirt...I decided to wear something a lot more conservative that I felt "hid" my physique quite well...as I said, I've made some changes of my own... So we see this girl dancing by herself while we were standing at the side of the dance floor...then we make our way to the middle, and she immediately walks towards him and starts dancing with him...we postulate that she was attracted to his overtly huge guido build...then he passed her off to me, since he's got a girl, so we start dancing...as soon as she grabs a hold of my arm, she realizes, damn...and then continues to grope the rest of my body for the remainder of the time on the dance floor...and she would have never known otherwise... So that's what caused my curiousity regarding this dynamic... Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Sorry Hokie, I always think that people who blatantly flaunt their degrees/jobs/properties they own/number of women they can get et al are douches. I absolutely agree with this statement. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 She's a girl who's attracted to juiced up dudes. That's all that was about. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts