Multidating tangle

[daphne]

I have a date set up for tonight with a guy that asked me out last weekend. My #1 came into town, and just asked to go out tonight.

 

I'm not good at this, but I'm thinking it would be rude to blow off or reschedule a guy that asked well ahead of time for a guy that I prefer who is a little bit last minute. But then again, he normally works so he didn't know until probably recently that he'd have time off.

 

This is probably why I haven't multi-dated in the past.

 

What would you do?

[Cee]

My gut tells me that you should keep your date and tell your #1 guy you have plans. Being too available for someone who makes last minute plans sets a bad precedent. If #1 guy doesn't set up a date with you at another time, then you know he wasn't worth your time anyway.

[MorningCoffee]

I would honor your original commitment and make plans with your number one for the next night. It just shows good character on yourself and remember what goes around comes around - you wouldn't want anyone to treat you like that, would you?

 

Speaking as a guy, if I were either one of your two guys, this bolded is the choice I'd receive the most favorably.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I have a date set up for tonight with a guy that asked me out last weekend. My #1 came into town, and just asked to go out tonight.

I'm not good at this, but I'm thinking it would be rude to blow off or reschedule a guy that asked well ahead of time for a guy that I prefer who is a little bit last minute. But then again, he normally works so he didn't know until probably recently that he'd have time off.

This is probably why I haven't multi-dated in the past.

What would you do?

 

Exclusive or not... If you blew me off to date someone else, I would be done with you. Unless you were upfront that you already had plans with another guy. I can respect that kind of honesty.

[daphne]

I'm glad I got responses from both genders. I had to act fast so I ended up asking one female friend and male friend. The male friend said blow #2 off. The female said, stick to your original plan. It'll make #1 wonder and it's the right thing.

 

I chose... what my gut told me to do. I stuck to my original commitment and after a little damage control with #1 (I forgot to offer another time) asked him if he was interested in tomorrow night. He accepted happily. I think he was worried I was blowing him off, which was what I didn't want him to think.

 

Pheww! Back on track after a near derailment. #1 better talk exclusivity soon because I have 4 more times to go through this...

 

I'm such a girl.

[daphne]

Speaking as a guy, if I were either one of your two guys, this bolded is the choice I'd receive the most favorably.

 

Very good to know that guys understand this.

[daphne]

Being too available for someone who makes last minute plans sets a bad precedent.

 

Totally agree with this btw. But he has previously asked well in advance. Circumstances were such that he had some unexpected time off (snow).

[fishtaco]

Generally how much you like a person should not carry that much weight in your decision making. I know it seems counter intuitive. But it's because just because you like the person, doesn't mean the person will reciprocate. You should base it on your history with the person, and how much trust the person has earned with you.

 

In this case, I would go with the previous existing commitment too. The only reason I would cancel to go with a "more important" person, is if that person has already proven to be more important. Like you are very far along with #1, and you are about to become exclusive.

 

When you multi date, your #1 can change from week to week. So by default, always go with existing commitment, if anything, that's good etiquette. Plus when you spring last minute plans on people, it's not unexpected to get a "sorry I'm busy" response, even amongst platonic friends doing platonic planning. Anyone that throws a fit would be unsuitable to date, or be a friend.

 

And that's not even considering the various tricks taught in Mind Games 101 like "being too available".

[elaina]

I have a date set up for tonight with a guy that asked me out last weekend. My #1 came into town, and just asked to go out tonight.

 

I'm not good at this, but I'm thinking it would be rude to blow off or reschedule a guy that asked well ahead of time for a guy that I prefer who is a little bit last minute. But then again, he normally works so he didn't know until probably recently that he'd have time off.

 

This is probably why I haven't multi-dated in the past.

 

What would you do?

 

Ugh... multidating sounds confusing.

 

I'd keep the date with the guy who asked but then decide which guy I liked most and then tell the other guy that at the moment, I'd like to just be friends with him and not date him. If he asks why, then I'd tell him because I'm seeing another guy.

 

To me, multidating is a mess of tangles that aren't fun to brush out and that just ends up causing more pain than getting to know one person at a time.

[elaina]

I'm glad I got responses from both genders. I had to act fast so I ended up asking one female friend and male friend. The male friend said blow #2 off. The female said, stick to your original plan. It'll make #1 wonder and it's the right thing.

 

I chose... what my gut told me to do. I stuck to my original commitment and after a little damage control with #1 (I forgot to offer another time) asked him if he was interested in tomorrow night. He accepted happily. I think he was worried I was blowing him off, which was what I didn't want him to think.

 

Pheww! Back on track after a near derailment. #1 better talk exclusivity soon because I have 4 more times to go through this...

 

I'm such a girl.

 

 

Cool, great decision Yeah I hope #1 decides to be with you... is that why you multidate? Because there's so many guys who don't want to commit so it's like a waiting process till the one you want a relationship with decides to as well?

[daphne]

Generally how much you like a person should not carry that much weight in your decision making. I know it seems counter intuitive. But it's because just because you like the person, doesn't mean the person will reciprocate. You should base it on your history with the person, and how much trust the person has earned with you.

 

I agree, but especially with this. It's funny how in my head I know the right thing to do, but right isn't always what I WANT to do. But if I want a long term relationship, I gotta be patient and get there the long way I guess.

[daphne]

Ugh... multidating sounds confusing.

 

I'd keep the date with the guy who asked but then decide which guy I liked most and then tell the other guy that at the moment, I'd like to just be friends with him and not date him. If he asks why, then I'd tell him because I'm seeing another guy.

 

To me, multidating is a mess of tangles that aren't fun to brush out and that just ends up causing more pain than getting to know one person at a time.

 

Oh, if it were that simple. Apparently the holidays brought everyone out, and instead of having a once a month potential, I got about 9 at once. I weeded out 3 right off the bat. Now I'm going through 6, of which 4 looks like serious potential keepers. Since I've been dating for some time, I have learned not to put all of my eggs in one basket. Anyone has a right to change their mind at any point for whatever reason. It's best to know earlier on.

 

I went on the previously planned date and had fun. He was a nice guy, cute, funny, easy going and in my tax bracket. He had, however, gained a little holiday weight but not enough for me to write him off. I will soon enough since I quit smoking...

[daphne]

is that why you multidate? Because there's so many guys who don't want to commit so it's like a waiting process till the one you want a relationship with decides to as well?

 

Good question. I think I multi-date because I've always dated one at a time and found out way too late that the guy wasn't right for me. I've wasted a lot of time on relationships this way. I don't want to get too invested with one guy before I realize that we're not right for each other. Multi-dating stops me from focusing on one guy too much or moving too fast into a relationship, and lets me see a lot of different guys taht I might be attracted to/interested in to figure out what I really need. Also, it sucks being the one sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring when they're not.

[oaks]

Oh, if it were that simple. Apparently the holidays brought everyone out, and instead of having a once a month potential, I got about 9 at once.

 

Same here! Well, not 9, but enough that it's definitely multi-dating rather than one at a time. There are definitely worse problems to have, though.

[PegNosePete]

Exclusive or not... If you blew me off to date someone else, I would be done with you. Unless you were upfront that you already had plans with another guy. I can respect that kind of honesty.

Quoted for truth. If you broke off a date because you had got a better offer then I wouldn't be interested in ever speaking to you again.

[Cee]

I'm glad things worked out so nicely for you. You had a nice date and will have likely a better date tonight.

 

Multi-dating is one of the most insane experiences that comes from online dating. And sometimes there's a glut of viable prospects and I don't want to say, "Um, I'm free in 3 weeks." The juggling act with scheduling was brutal. After all, I have a job, friends, volunteer work, and dance parties that also occupy my time. I barely can squeeze in 1 or at most 2 dates per week.

 

I don't have a solution for this dilemma. The only thing I do is take breaks when my personal or social life becomes a higher priority than dating.

 

...Enough of my aside... Have a good night!

[hearttobreak]

Daph, I give you credit for being able to manage four. I have about five potentials and I am finding it hard to manage them. There are three I really like, but that in itself is a challenge, let along all five. I also feel guilty in dating more than one, but until the exclusive talk, I assume it is fair game. Not sure what to do if and when sex gets involved, but have not crossed that bridge yet though. Just kissing and touching. Just tired of only focusing on one and then it does not work out.

 

Though, I am curious what to do about Valentine's Day. That could propose a problem.

[fishtaco]

I agree, but especially with this. It's funny how in my head I know the right thing to do, but right isn't always what I WANT to do. But if I want a long term relationship, I gotta be patient and get there the long way I guess.

 

That's what experience can do for you - the ability to not do something you want to do, and keep yourself on the right track.

 

I think you're doing great. You know that after telling #1 no, you have to do damage control and make sure he understands that's not a blow off. From my perspective, you are doing just fine.

[sumdude]

This thread reminds why I don't bother dating and am generally suspicious.

[daphne]

Same here! Well, not 9, but enough that it's definitely multi-dating rather than one at a time. There are definitely worse problems to have, though.

 

I think I'm down to 4 now. Funny thing how some of them just weed themselves out. They seem gung ho and then you don't hear from them. Then when you do, you don't care anymore. Or maybe I'm being a brat to get it down to a manageable number. Guys that are good on paper don't always know what they want.

 

Yes, there are worse problems to have. Like having years' long dry spells where no one asks you out. Not that that's ever happened to me!

[daphne]

Quoted for truth. If you broke off a date because you had got a better offer then I wouldn't be interested in ever speaking to you again.

 

It's not exactly a better offer. It's a guy that I had already met and I like. Apparently, when I like a guy he seems to become a priority no matter how much multi dating I do. Old habits die hard.

[sumdude]

I think I'm down to 4 now. Funny thing how some of them just weed themselves out. They seem gung ho and then you don't hear from them.

 

Well if they get a whiff that they're just an option to you then I don't blame them.

 

At this point in my life my mantra is simple:

 

"Don't make someone a priority who only sees you as an option."

 

My time and resources are valuable so I'm not going to put in much effort if I'm seen like just another car on the lot being taken for a ride.

 

Hope this multi thing works out for ya.

[daphne]

And sometimes there's a glut of viable prospects and I don't want to say, "Um, I'm free in 3 weeks." The juggling act with scheduling was brutal.

 

One guy actually started off great, wanted to see me then bam. Suggests the end of teh month. I was like wtf? Then I realized that realistically with everything I've got going on, it's probably best that way. He's in the top 3, however. If I end up going exclusive with #1, then I'll never meet him. This happened with another guy I was dating.

 

Gotta strike while the iron's hot.

[daphne]

Daph, I give you credit for being able to manage four. I have about five potentials and I am finding it hard to manage them. There are three I really like, but that in itself is a challenge, let along all five. I also feel guilty in dating more than one, but until the exclusive talk, I assume it is fair game. Not sure what to do if and when sex gets involved, but have not crossed that bridge yet though. Just kissing and touching. Just tired of only focusing on one and then it does not work out.

 

Though, I am curious what to do about Valentine's Day. That could propose a problem.

 

I hear you sister. THere's nothing worse than being exclusive alone.

 

I don't feel a sense of guilt at this point. I used to, but I'm not lying to anyone. I'm not sleeping with anyone. I won't, until exclusivity is mutually agreed upon anyway. I'm just having fun, and honestly this is one of the few times I've had this much fun dating. I took it WAAYYY too seriously and life is too short for that. So far, some of these guys have been awesome and I'm glad I met them. They renewed my belief that there are good guys out there. Now if I can find the perfect guy for me, it'll be a huge plus.

 

But to be fair, all of these guys I'm dating are potential long term relationships. I'm not dating just to get out of the house. I could go out with my friends otherwise.

 

I have a month until Valentine's day to figure things out then, I guess. I think it would be awkward to be multi dating by then.

[daphne]

Well if they get a whiff that they're just an option to you then I don't blame them.

 

At this point in my life my mantra is simple:

 

"Don't make someone a priority who only sees you as an option."

 

My time and resources are valuable so I'm not going to put in much effort if I'm seen like just another car on the lot being taken for a ride.

 

Hope this multi thing works out for ya.

 

You're making some odd assumptions. It has nothing to do with what they sense from me. It's that they have usually found someone else they like more. I think men are more prone to multi date than women, for the record.

 

You can't make someone a priority until you get to know them and they have value. I don't plan on multi dating forever. But I'm not taking myself off the market for someone who's also still dating. Let's not forget, my #1 is still on the market and I am certain he is dating. I don't fault him for it. But I'm not sitting at home either.

 

Just because it's not your cup of tea doesn't make it wrong. This is like dating in the 60's. Except much better shoes.