Dating dilemma, could use some perspective?

[ianandris]

So, about a week and a half ago on Sunday, I went on a first date with this girl I met online. We had a great time, hit it off, end of date hug and kiss, it was slightly awkward, but in an endearing way, you know? Couple days following we're texting back and forth quite a bit, the morning after the date she sent me a text, etc, so all the signs of interest are there. We set up a date for Wednesday for a late night movie at my place after work (I work until 1030). Things are kosher.

 

About an hour before I get off, she sends me a text about how she got called into work last minute the next morning (500 am), stressing how she really does want to see me again and she's not bailing, etc. I'm fine with it, of course, so we decided to try again after the holiday, the following Sunday.

 

Contact drops off due to holiday, Sunday rolls around and I try to get a confirmation on the date. Hours later, I get a text saying she's at the hospital because her sister is having a baby and will have to reschedule. Totally legit. I call her to chat it up some, I could hear the smiles through the phone, etc. Things are good.

 

So, next morningish she sends me a pic of the baby, and then suggests we try to hang out that night since she doesn't have to work until later. I'm down, pretty excited to finally hang out with her since we had such a great first date. A couple hours later, she even asks me to send her a pic. I do. This is usually a good sign. I ask her for a pic, but then radio silence for the next few hours. Not stressing since I'll be seeing her later.

 

So, I get off work, call her up, she doesn't answer. I might have called too many times, but since we had plans after work, I think it was okay. I called her right when I got off work, called her on my way over to her place, left a message saying I was going to swing by, and I gave her a buzz once I got there. She wasn't there. I hang around a little bit and type out a message saying I'll just head on home and she should give me a call.

 

So, I get a text back from her saying how she's in a neighboring city helping bring her sister home from the hospital, but she was leaving soon. I ask her if we're still on, and she bails again, this time because she's been tired from being in the hospital the past couple days, and she's sorry, and we should try for some time later in the week. I express that she should get some rest and we'll try again for Wednesday. I didn't mention to her that I'm not particularly happy about it since she's the one who suggested we get together that night, and I'm not a fan of being ignored or, literally, stood up.

 

She says I'm great, will text me about Wednesday. Next morning Tues, I get a "Good morning, Ian, hope you have a great day!" I didn't end up responding because I had some other things going on and, honestly, I just kinda forgot, but this morning, Wednesday, I text her a text and ask her to give me a call when she has a moment. I still haven't gotten a call. It's not late by any means (5pm ish), but she said she'd let me know about Wednesday, and, well, I've been kinda waiting for her to be in touch so I know if we have plans or not. At this point, even though we didn't have anything officially scheduled for tonight, the fact that she said she'd let me know and then didn't has me confused.

 

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt because we really did hit off in a big way, but I can't really tell if she just wants me to be persistent, if she's not super interested, just being nice, or what. I'm confused here.

 

Also, I don't really want to keep rescheduling. I mean, I understand with circumstances being what they were, and I know I'm not high her list of priorities right now, but being bumped has a tendency to diminish interest on both parts. Missed dates are not a good thing.

 

So, I'm at a crossroads. Should I call her again or just let it be? I don't want to seem to eager and make her lose interest, but it's 1.5 weeks since the first awesome date and I don't want the opportunity to expire, you know? Great first dates have a limited shelf life.

Edited December 30, 2010 by ianandris

[LifeIsGreat]

It's awesome to hear someone from Utah say "kosher". Cool!!

 

Anyway, I would wait a few days and send her a text asking her to call you. It may be totally legit that she has been busy/tired. But at this point you probably need to put it in her court a bit. Maybe send her a text and ask her when the next time would be good for you guys to go out?

[ianandris]

Yeah, I actually just called and left a message asking her to give me a buzz, let me know what her plans are, if she still wants to hang out sometime. She texted me right back saying with a friend who's having a rough day, and she's been having a rough day, too (****ty job stuff), but didn't mention anything about hanging out :/. I replied sympathetically, it's been about an hour, and I don't think she's going to get back to me. At this point, I don't really know what else I can do. Probably wait a few more days, maybe hit her up in the new year and see if she's down to chil. If she won't schedule another date or flakes again, it's probably time to move on, huh?

[ecm]

If you were tired, would you have bailed on her? Probably not, right? My advice would be you are too ...how do I say... good looking to be stressing over a girl who's giving you the run around. Seriously, give her the boot.

 

Three strikes. Give people a second chance, but not a third. Whatever you want to call it, she's used up her "freebies". If she does this now, how do you think she'd treat you in the future? Boot.

[ianandris]

Thanks. I know you're right... The only reason I'm giving her another chance is because of the strength of our first date. I mean, I actually went home excited, and I know she did, too. That doesn't happen very often.

 

At any rate, she did respond last night and we ended up chatting back and forth for a bit. I guess she is on her final warning at work for calling in because her sister was having a baby, and she'd just had a ****ty day. She was actually at her friends house, a girl who had an equally ****ty day, just helping each other feel better. We bull****ted, talked about her day, made her laugh etc, then I told her, flat out, that she should let me know when she wants to hang out and the ball is in her court. She replied saying they might let her off at 12 tomorrow, intimating she might want to hang out then, but it wasn't a solid invitation and, frankly, I'm just waiting to see what happens. If she doesn't take the initiative to setup a second date at this point, I'm not wasting my time anymore.

Edited December 30, 2010 by ianandris

[beachgirll2011]

Sorryyyyy but if i have a bad day at work i am RUNNING to my guy's house lol too many excuses and your too hot to put up with that. move on.

[carhill]

OP, this is a great learning experience. The next time a woman begs off a date, leave it *entirely* to her to reschedule, confirm and initiate the next move.

 

This one is done. As suggested prior, move on.

[ianandris]

*sigh* yeah, definitely learning from it. Not planning on putting up with bs like this in the future. Still sucks, though. It was a really, really good date, and I don't go on dates very often.

[Truly Lost]

I've been through the same BS as you. I know how disappointing it is.

 

I met this guy online and we really hit it off great. He was so excited about me. Called me the next day and wanted to make plans to meet up with me again. We met up the following day. He couldn't wait to get off work to come see me. I was very responsive to him too. He had to drive 40 miles to come see me. I met his family that week, a little bit too soon in my opinion, but he lives at home with his family (he's out in the country), so it was hard not to run into them when I went over to his place. It was great....he said he was really proud to show me off to his family. We hung out pretty consistantly for a little while, but then something changed.

 

After about a month or so in, he starts cancelling on me and making excuses. I was understanding and patient, but bummed. He would tell me we can meet up on, say, Thursday, only to cancel on that day too. This went on for two weeks. Finally I got irritated and let him know my frustration. He apologized and we rescheduled for the next day.

 

I never heard from him again.

 

So it's pretty safe to say that this girl is probably taking you down a similar path. I guess she didn't connect with you like you did with her. Sorry.

[AverageJoe]

 

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt because we really did hit off in a big way, but I can't really tell if she just wants me to be persistent, if she's not super interested, just being nice, or what. I'm confused here.

 

 

You did give her the benefit of the doubt. Several times. In my opinion you were way to passive.

 

Call the next number on the pecking list my friend. You dont have time to put up with that.

[youngskywalker]

but it's 1.5 weeks since the first awesome date and I don't want the opportunity to expire, you know? Great first dates have a limited shelf life.

 

Ohhhhh dude, are you sure we haven't dated the same girl? lol Had this happen, so has everyone, and you just need to let her have the ball. If you don't you'll be sorry.

 

Yeah, great first dates do have a limited shelf life, but that's not your fault it's hers. Let her take the loss.

 

Also, you can't rule out the possibility that she's showing you to the door and just doesn't have the heart to tell you she isn't interested. Even though you thought it was a great date doesn't mean that she was interested all that much. Girls have a way of putting on a front, a smile, touch your leg, and give you hug at the end of the night. Then, when they get in their car they say "wow", I'm glad that's over with". Not saying that's the case with you but girls can act it out good just to see if they can string out a guy and then tell their friends about it.

Edited December 30, 2010 by youngskywalker

[ianandris]

So, I ignored your advice, called her anyway, and we had a second date lol. It went okay. Not nearly as well as the first one, but that was one hundred percent my fault. I have a nasty tendency to overthink things, so when we hung out, I was just awkward and a uncomfortable most of the time since I'd blown the situation up every which way in my mind. She was fine, though. End of the date, hug, nice long kiss, and she said she wanted to hang out again soon.

 

We had some substantive conversation during the date in between my moments of crippling self consciousness, and, apparently, she's the kind who likes to jump into relationships quickly, but she's trying to break that habit by keeping guy at a bit of an arms length/trying not to invest herself completely right off the bat. Kinda explains the weird contact/marginalization I get from her. Thing is, I self sabotage like a French partisan and after I woke up from a nice long nap, I immediately texted her this gem:

 

"Thanks for being patient with me *name*. Despite my ridiculous self consciousness and distractedness, I had a really good tiume and I look forward to hanging out again soon

 

Oh, and, so you know, I think the ridiculousness has lots to do with the fact that you're awesome AND hot. One of the two my brain can handle. Put both traits in one little package in the car seat next to me it, apparently, goes into overload lol"

 

She didn't reply :/

 

PS I texted her a happy new year today and she responded right away but, true to pattern, she ignored my response. I'm actively looking at other options, though. I've got a first date setup for Monday with a girl I met at a New Years party and I've got a pending coffee date in the works with a girl who messaged me out of the blue on Facebook. Fingers crossed. Something has to pull through. I'm really, really tired of being single (haven't had a real relationship in, like, three years, and that one was brutish and short.)

Edited January 2, 2011 by ianandris

[Ruby Slippers]

OMG, you are that needle in a haystack kind of guy who is very cute and also very sweet and open with his feelings, rather than being a good-looking jerk.

 

I think this woman will not appreciate you. Sorry.

 

But when you find the one who does, she is going to be a very lucky woman.

[ianandris]

Thanks, Ruby . Yeah, I guess I am that needle in a haystack kinda guy. Unfortunately, most women have no idea what to do with me, though. The vast majority just lose interest/push me away. It's almost like being somewhat inconsiderate is a sort of twisted pre req for women to even consider a guy LTR material. *sigh*

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm not like that, darlin'. Come to Chicago and let me... appreciate you.

[ianandris]

Heheh. Tempting offer, Ruby. A little bit of... appreciation... would be good for the soul. I'll keep your offer in mind if I ever make my way back east.

[OceanGirl]

To be honest, this girl probably didn't feel the same type of connection you did.

 

I date a lot and sometimes I get back from a date really excited, feeling like there was great chemistry with the guy. It usually all fizzles out soon enough because the guy didn't feel the same strong connection.

 

It came to a point where I am seriously unable to tell good date from a bad one. I would have dates where I make super-awkward conversation for 2 hours without so much as a touch and guy would come back really interested.

 

Then I have dates where we spend 8 hours together, flowing/fun conversation, making out etc and I get the run around afterwards.

 

Remember, in dating nothing is what it seems.

[Woggle]

Just forget about her. Move on and pursue other things. Also the way her and other women treat is precisely why men like you are becoming increasingly rare.

[Madgick1]

I also agree that you come off as very likeable and open and a person of substance. Please don't hide that part of yourself because of discouragement, because eventually it's going to catch you a gem of a woman.

 

The part of your story where I said, 'uh-oh, this girl's trouble' is where I read she was getting in trouble at work for calling in too often. She's a flake and incapable of commitment and follow thru.

 

It wasn't you. She may be fun and sexy, but she's too flighty for a meaningful relationship.

[ianandris]

"Remember, in dating nothing is what it seems."

 

You have no idea how much I hate that idea, OceanGirl. I just don't have a lot of guile in me. I'm hardwired to be straightforward.

 

This, for some mind numbingly asinine reason, doesn't translate into dating very well. You'd think that since relationships are built on a foundation of good communication, that the ability to do that would be pretty high value, but, apparently, it isn't. Seems we're all more attracted to the capacity to put on a good show.

 

And thanks, Madgick. I used to be pretty easily discouraged, and I'm still easily disappointed, but, fact is, I just don't function very well if I'm not being completely upfront about how I feel, heheh. I get twisted around and kinda flustered if I don't communicate what's on my mind. I don't see that changing anytime soon.

[Ruby Slippers]

Straightforward and honest is the best way to be, IMO. Do you tend to pick a certain type of woman? If you're repeatedly picking women who do not appreciate this quality of yours, maybe it's time to try something else.

[OceanGirl]

"Remember, in dating nothing is what it seems."

 

You have no idea how much I hate that idea, OceanGirl. I just don't have a lot of guile in me. I'm hardwired to be straightforward.

 

This, for some mind numbingly asinine reason, doesn't translate into dating very well. You'd think that since relationships are built on a foundation of good communication, that the ability to do that would be pretty high value, but, apparently, it isn't. Seems we're all more attracted to the capacity to put on a good show.

 

And thanks, Madgick. I used to be pretty easily discouraged, and I'm still easily disappointed, but, fact is, I just don't function very well if I'm not being completely upfront about how I feel, heheh. I get twisted around and kinda flustered if I don't communicate what's on my mind. I don't see that changing anytime soon.

 

I hate it too. I have become so jaded by the whole dating process that I now view dates with a very deattached frame of mind which is kind of sad.

 

I just want to be able to come home from a date and say "Look, I like you. I want to see you again. Let's have dinner on Tuesday at 8pm" and then to follow through with that plan. I hate it when someone comes back with something vague like "I really like you but I am swamped with work for the next week and a half. But I am REALLY keen to get together after that." So you wait for the week and a half only to find out that the guy was blowing you off in the first place

 

If someone is not that interested, a simple "I don't feel the spark, good luck" would be much appreciated.

[Imajerk17]

Any updates?

 

Up to the 2nd date, it's hard to say you could have done anything different. She made it difficult with her flakiness. When you did get to meet up with her, I hope you had her pay. That isn't being a jerk, it's just... well she knows she was flakey. She would have felt less guilty around you if she "made it up" to you in some way.

[ecm]

Hi ianandris- have you had anyone chase you recently? Even someone you weren't interested in dating? As I've mentioned before, you are not so hard-on- the-eyes, so I'm sure the answer to my question is probably yes.

 

I might be going out on a limb here, but have you experienced someone expressing their feelings for you with your same "honest" approach? Did it make you want to light yourself on fire?

 

Please don't take that as an insult, by any means. I use that example bc of my current situation. I have one guy who is giving me the run around and one guy whose texts make me want to take the bridge. I think maybe I'm lucky to have these things going on simultaneously because it's helping me realize what NOT to do.

 

Perhaps if you post your phone number for the ladies who find you so attractive, we could bombard you with texts to show you how you might feel if we are "honest". Ok, just kidding about the number.....kind of. haha

 

But seriously, it is unfortunate that some people's honesty is what you long for and other people's honesty makes you cringe. Maybe we honest people should work on making ourselves more of a mystery and less of a "wow, I got him/ her, so they're no longer fun". Just my thoughts. If I knew the answer to this, I'd be doing something other than responding to these things when I need to be to work in 6 hours and 17 minutes.

[elaina]

I hate it too. I have become so jaded by the whole dating process that I now view dates with a very deattached frame of mind which is kind of sad.

 

I just want to be able to come home from a date and say "Look, I like you. I want to see you again. Let's have dinner on Tuesday at 8pm" and then to follow through with that plan. I hate it when someone comes back with something vague like "I really like you but I am swamped with work for the next week and a half. But I am REALLY keen to get together after that." So you wait for the week and a half only to find out that the guy was blowing you off in the first place

 

If someone is not that interested, a simple "I don't feel the spark, good luck" would be much appreciated.

 

Great post.

 

It's really sad but understandable that many people are becoming jaded.

 

You're right the ideal is what you mentioned above, what you want.