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Why are divorced men so clingy?


daphne

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I started talking to a new guy online with whom I had a lot in common. I told him I'm not looking for an instant relationship but rather would like to let it happen organically. In the meantime I realized that there are a few things outside of his control that make it likely that we won't end up in a long term relationship. I still wanted to meet him because he's sweet, cute and French (I used to live there.)

 

So... what does he do? Blows up my phone with texts. Calls me a couple of times a day. We haven't even met yet. It got to the point where I actually told him that he needs to slow down, that this is not going slow as we agreed. He said he can't help it, that he hasn't met anyone like me and he just knows he'll love me. He hasn't MET me. All he sees are photos. Guys can be so superficial.

 

But he's not the only one. This is the 4th guy that has become super clingy and turned me off. the 3 others were very pushy and one seemed to have an abusive personality so I cut him off. This guy knows when to back off, to a certain extent but I don't think he realizes how unattractive clingy behavior is.

 

I don't get it. How do guys not realize that this really pushes people away? I thought women were teh clingy ones. Sigh.

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strength-abounds

Because we are trying to fill the void that came to be through the divorce.

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Because we are trying to fill the void that came to be through the divorce.

 

I understand that. But it's a bit selfish. You can't expect someone to want to meet your needs when you don't even know them & they dont' know you. It makes me feel less like a catch and more like someone to stop them from having to deal with what we all have to deal with. I don't like that.

 

Love your tag btw.

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strength-abounds

Thanks.

 

It is very unfair for any women that is the object of desire for a divorced man that has not coped with his loss.

 

I honestly have realized this myself. I am recently divorced, trying to fill the void left by my EW. I have sinced stopped dating any woman for this reason; and no woman should date a recently divorced man for this very reason.

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i dont know. i can see that in myself sometimes although i'm changing it. realizing you do it seems to be the first step in correcting it....lol.....

 

i think guys maybe take a hit to the ego in a divorce. then, they think they have to lock down any woman that gives them hope they wont be alone forever......thats what crossed my mind anyway.....my beautiful bride left me after 17 years for someone else. it crushed me. self esteem and ego take a beating.......then, we try to find our way after years of just being ourself. Now we think we have to be "more" because thats why we got left to begin with...we werent "enough"......now we're in overdrive with our passion and attempts to secure our future with another beautiful bride.....

 

luckily, posts like these and others give understanding and reflection to we who have had a tendency to be "clingy"....so, thanks.....

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strength-abounds
i dont know. i can see that in myself sometimes although i'm changing it. realizing you do it seems to be the first step in correcting it....lol.....

 

i think guys maybe take a hit to the ego in a divorce. then, they think they have to lock down any woman that gives them hope they wont be alone forever......thats what crossed my mind anyway.....my beautiful bride left me after 17 years for someone else. it crushed me. self esteem and ego take a beating.......then, we try to find our way after years of just being ourself. Now we think we have to be "more" because thats why we got left to begin with...we werent "enough"......now we're in overdrive with our passion and attempts to secure our future with another beautiful bride.....

 

luckily, posts like these and others give understanding and reflection to we who have had a tendency to be "clingy"....so, thanks.....

 

That's true about the ego. Mindless dating helped me with my ego rebuilding. However, it just put a bandage on a seeping wound. Unfortunately, the women I dated never knew that they were rebounds and nothing more.

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I actually kept things casual with women during my 1.5yr separation because of that.

 

I am lonely. and would like to get laid. But on the other hand, I do like spending an evening at home doing what I want & not having some woman tell me "it looks ok" after I spend a weekend cleaning. LOL!

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then, they think they have to lock down any woman that gives them hope they wont be alone forever......

 

But a guy doesn't need to lock a woman down to have her. He just needs to be available and go slow without being too aloof or too clingy. Tall order I guess.

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Unfortunately, the women I dated never knew that they were rebounds and nothing more.

 

This is what I am trying to avoid. I don't think I'd be a rebound per se for this guy because I get why he's interested. He doesn't meet many women like me that know his culture and is interested in the things he's interested in.

 

So what is a safe time frame to date a divorced man? It seems that the one who wasn't clingy had other issues and he had been divorced a year so probably 2 years apart.

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But a guy doesn't need to lock a woman down to have her. He just needs to be available and go slow without being too aloof or too clingy. Tall order I guess.

 

oh for sure. ignorance of what to do as well as a hit to the esteem and ego were my problem.

Dating or new relationships are just an area some people are new at (young) or either havent had to deal with in many years (divorced/widowed).....like a talent that never gets utilized.....

I can look back even recently and see the dumb mistakes i've made.....

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i would think at the earliest, a year after the seperation/divorce. i know how i've mourned, learned, and developed. i would have been a nightmare just a few months after....i certainly wasnt doing myself any good.....

I feel like a new person now though....

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I can look back even recently and see the dumb mistakes i've made.....

 

How long have you been separated/divorced?

 

I once went out with a guy that I found out that was 3 months widowed and I suggested he wasn't ready to date yet. I never heard from him. I tried to remain on friendly terms, but I wasn't having the mama bear healing the wounded cub scenario. That doesn't sound like a ton of fun in my book.

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10 months. i dont claim to be "healed" but i can look back at the blundering mistakes i made and feel really good about where i am. The most improvement for me was when i became ok with being "alone". That could have a lot to do with some of the divorced men clinginess or aggresiveness as well......i freaked out when i had no one to go with me to starbucks.....lol....then when someone poked their head up and said "i'll go" you'd have thought i was going on a date with the last breathing woman on the planet......

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you'd have thought i was going on a date with the last breathing woman on the planet......

 

Lol. Reminds me of my rebound from my ex husband. That was a long time ago, and I still cringe at my choice.

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strength-abounds
i would think at the earliest, a year after the seperation/divorce. i know how i've mourned, learned, and developed. i would have been a nightmare just a few months after....i certainly wasnt doing myself any good.....

I feel like a new person now though....

 

I agree. One year should be enough time to allow a fair amount of healing to have taken place. However, listening to the divorced guy and how he speaks about his EW/relationship will give you clues on how he has or is coping with the divorce. Bitterness and resentment are true indicators on how he has not coped with the divorce. Acceptance of the divorce and an acknowledgment of both good and bad things in the marriage are good indicators of someone who is healthy enough to have a relationship without fear of clinginess.

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strength-abounds
But a guy doesn't need to lock a woman down to have her. He just needs to be available and go slow without being too aloof or too clingy. Tall order I guess.

 

Not really that much of a tall order. Just communicate with him and set boundaries. No more than 2 phone calls per week and 1 date during the week. That was the guidelines I set for myself to avoid being to clingy for my potential new girlsfriends. Just so happened that I grew a conscious and decided what I was doing was unfair to them because I was not emotionally committed to what they were looking for.

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Because they are desperate ...

 

I thought that was somehwat a bit of a harsh analysis but I have to agree at this point. Less than a week into it, the guy goes from hot to cold because I told him I hadn't yet brought him up to all of my friends because we haven't yet met and all we're doing is texting and calling. He was back online all morning and haven't heard from him since.

 

Interesting how someone doesn't get that there are many options online, but few really good ones that they can connect with. But I guess I gave the guy the benefit of the doubt despite the glaring red flag of "Love me, I'm honest, I'm a good guy, I'll never hurt anyone." Not that I took him at face value but it's interesting that guys will say just about anything to try to get you to let down your guard and then get peeved when you don't move at break neck pace with them.

 

The experiences, however, have made it easier to spot the not so good apples.

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I'm male and going thru a divorce and actually find the women to be clingy. I've have two in the last two months tell me they were in love with me within a month. Yikes!

 

I've had to tell them both the same thing, to slow down and take things naturally. I cannot and will not put up with constant calling and needy behavior. I tell them all I have enough drama in my life now and I'm don't need anymore.

 

So, I think its just your experience. There are really needy men AND women out there.

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So, I think its just your experience. There are really needy men AND women out there.

 

Well, sure. I don't date women. :D

 

How can someone be in love with you in a month? That's crazy talk. But I'll be honest, the last guy said he knew he was going to fall in love with me. Based on what? photos and "intuition." :rolleyes: I wouldn't bank on that intuition given his recent behavior.

 

Tell me, when you let them know that things are going too fast to your taste, how do they react?

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