Why do some men think it's wrong to date around?

[Gypsy_Soul]

I'm currently dating and talking to several men in order to get to know them. All of the men I do date and talk to I require them to be marriage minded individuals, because I'm interested in eventually getting married with the right person.

 

I have had a few men upon first speaking with them ask me if I date around. I let them know that yes I do. These few men immediately responded by saying that they can't and will not deal with a woman who dates several men at the same time and they get quite argumentative.

 

I have to let them know that I'm sorry they feel that way, but I refuse to settle with the first guy that I date. In order to find that one to marry eventually I have to date around and get to know the person.

 

How these men believe dating should be, I just don't get this type of thinking. Is something wrong with these guys? To me it sounds a bit controlling.

 

What's wrong with dating a variety of like minded individuals? Do some men believe that dating = sex?

[deebeechrisyo]

For me personally, if a girl is dating around then I see myself as just another guy to her. I'm not necessarily someone she likes. It's more like I'm in a job interview trying to persuade the girl to like me. There's something off about it. It's MUCH more gratifying to like a girl who I know is really into me from the start.

[fishtaco]

Thank you. I'm a guy, I date around, and I expect the women I date to be dating around, until of course, an exclusive arrangement is made. To me that makes sense.

 

But I've learned that the world is split in two. Some people do it, some people don't. You can't point fingers at multi-daters and say they're whores/lechers, you can't point fingers at non-multi-daters and say they're over jealous control freaks. But people do anyway. There are good and bad people from both camps, but unfortunately, I'm not sure what happens when a good multi-dater meets a good non-multi-dater. Maybe they won't get together simply because of this basically transitional and temporary (as in it won't matter after you become exclusive) philosophical difference.

[Mad Max]

I am firmly against multi-dating. If you want to date others, stop seeing me. You can stop seeing someone and start seeing someone else. The more people you date at once, the more stories you have to keep straight.

[Gypsy_Soul]

For me personally, if a girl is dating around then I see myself as just another guy to her. I'm not necessarily someone she likes. It's more like I'm in a job interview trying to persuade the girl to like me. There's something off about it. It's MUCH more gratifying to like a girl who I know is really into me from the start.

 

I can understand how it makes you feel like a job interview. To me it is as such. I'm interviewing you for the position as my man and then eventually my husband.

[Gypsy_Soul]

I am firmly against multi-dating. If you want to date others, stop seeing me. You can stop seeing someone and start seeing someone else. The more people you date at once, the more stories you have to keep straight.

 

This is exactly the type of response that I get. What I'm trying to understand is that when you say "seeing someone" what does that exactly mean to you? Because to me it's not the same as just dating someone.

[Star Gazer]

OP, lots of men think that if you're dating around, you're sleeping around. My thoughts with those guys is that they tend to sleep with every woman they date, and hence assume that you would be as well. Obviously, that's not the case.

 

I casually date multiple men until I find someone I want to be exclusive with. It's only after that exclusivity is established that I sleep with them.

 

As far as men getting upset about it, I've only had two guys in my entire life express dissatisfaction with my dating practices. However, the male LS community tends to lean more towards not dating multiple people, but rather insta-commitment. They're also single, for the most part.

 

The more people you date at once, the more stories you have to keep straight.

 

Stories aren't necessary if you're honest. OP is like me in that she doesn't hide what she's doing nor is she dishonest about it.

[Gypsy_Soul]

OP, lots of men think that if you're dating around, you're sleeping around. My thoughts with those guys is that they tend to sleep with every woman they date, and hence assume that you would be as well. Obviously, that's not the case.

 

I casually date multiple men until I find someone I want to be exclusive with. It's only after that exclusivity is established that I sleep with them.

 

As far as men getting upset about it, I've only had two guys in my entire life express dissatisfaction with my dating practices. However, the male LS community tends to lean more towards not dating multiple people, but rather insta-commitment. They're also single, for the most part.

 

 

 

Stories aren't necessary if you're honest. OP is like me in that she doesn't hide what she's doing nor is she dishonest about it.

 

Thank you Star Gazer! I'm glad I make sense to someone. This is exactly how I felt about these guys. And to me dating around does not mean sleeping around.

[Woggle]

I can understand how it makes you feel like a job interview. To me it is as such. I'm interviewing you for the position as my man and then eventually my husband.

 

Men hate it when women approach dating like that. We like it to happen naturally.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Men hate it when women approach dating like that. We like it to happen naturally.

 

Hi Woggle, would you please explain how it happens naturally?

[Star Gazer]

Thank you Star Gazer! I'm glad I make sense to someone. This is exactly how I felt about these guys. And to me dating around does not mean sleeping around.

 

You're welcome!

 

I've had to clarify this with some guys, but I'd say 95% of the guys I've dated have somehow indicated they casually date the same way I do...until exclusivity, until sleeping together. But they needed that clarification, that casual dating/seeing someone does NOT ipso facto mean sleeping together. It means dating, getting to know someone.

 

That said, I don't blame anyone for not wanting to date someone who's actually sleeping with someone else. That, I think, is just...kinda gross.

[Woggle]

Hi Woggle, would you please explain how it happens naturally?

 

You meet somebody and it grows from there. The job interview approach makes men run.

[Gypsy_Soul]

That's the obvious. What I mean is that after you meet someone, how does it grow if you're not getting to know the person? I'm doing the same thing, only getting to know several men.

[Brandi 2]

For me personally, if a girl is dating around then I see myself as just another guy to her. I'm not necessarily someone she likes. It's more like I'm in a job interview trying to persuade the girl to like me. There's something off about it. It's MUCH more gratifying to like a girl who I know is really into me from the start.

 

I personally hate dating for this very reason!

[Andy_K]

If you're REALLY trying to get to know somebody, you need to be seeing them a couple times a week. Less than that, and unless you're in contact a lot on the phone/text, and you might as well not bother. If you have enough spare time in your life to do that with several guys at the same time, I'd have to question whether you really have anything else going on in your life besides dating.

[irc333]

Interesting, it's mostly women that tend to be turned off by dating around (in fact most women I know will only date ONE guy at a time, they just don't like juggling).

 

I get the, "I'm sorry, but I'm seeing someone and seeing how it goes" from women when I ask them out. So obviously they don't date around, even had someone tell me that they don't like to juggle guys after I asked her out

 

But some prefer to treat dating as the TV Show "Survivor", get a group of men/women, and wittle it down to 1 that you would marry.

 

People have different methods, but is this really an ethical one?

 

 

Chances are, these guys have their eyes set only on you, (and probably have no other prospects either), and are probably expecting you to be available for dating them personally, when they call you to ask you out on a 2nd or 3rd date.

 

I'm currently dating and talking to several men in order to get to know them. All of the men I do date and talk to I require them to be marriage minded individuals, because I'm interested in eventually getting married with the right person.

 

I have had a few men upon first speaking with them ask me if I date around. I let them know that yes I do. These few men immediately responded by saying that they can't and will not deal with a woman who dates several men at the same time and they get quite argumentative.

 

I have to let them know that I'm sorry they feel that way, but I refuse to settle with the first guy that I date. In order to find that one to marry eventually I have to date around and get to know the person.

 

How these men believe dating should be, I just don't get this type of thinking. Is something wrong with these guys? To me it sounds a bit controlling.

 

What's wrong with dating a variety of like minded individuals? Do some men believe that dating = sex?

Edited November 24, 2010 by irc333

[irc333]

I can understand how it makes you feel like a job interview. To me it is as such. I'm interviewing you for the position as my man and then eventually my husband.

Bleh, hearing this is like nails on a chalkboard, chances are if you approaching dating in THIS manner, if you wind up married, a divorce is probably not much further down the road.

[Tim The Enchanter]

I can understand how it makes you feel like a job interview. To me it is as such. I'm interviewing you for the position as my man and then eventually my husband.

 

That's a horrible and calculating way of going about dating. Long term relationships and marriages are not jobs.

[lino]

I can understand how it makes you feel like a job interview. To me it is as such. I'm interviewing you for the position as my man and then eventually my husband.

 

Lucky guys that you're multi-dating.

 

That's a horrible and calculating way of going about dating. Long term relationships and marriages are not jobs.

 

Well said!

 

I am firmly against multi-dating. If you want to date others, stop seeing me. You can stop seeing someone and start seeing someone else. The more people you date at once, the more stories you have to keep straight.

 

Also well said!

 

People who readily date/see multiple people are becoming more common and it's reflective of the way society is rapidly heading

[Els]

How did you assume they said it was wrong? From what I see, they just said they aren't interested in a girl who does that. People are entitled to their preferences, you know. Especially if they themselves do not multidate, they would probably want someone who shares the same attitude. Compatibility.

[welikeincrowds]

That's a horrible and calculating way of going about dating. Long term relationships and marriages are not jobs.

 

Don't be naive. They are commitments; and in the case of marriage, a publicly recognized commitment that involves a consolidation of finance.

 

You don't see the irony? That her telling you this about herself caused her to fail your interview?

 

By contrast, have you ever worked in a client business? It's just like dating; it would shock you how much it's just like dating. The only difference is that you're betting with your professional future rather than your familial one.

[tincanman99]

I think its truly naieve and hypocritical to make negative statements about the multi dating. If you are not dating multiple people how are you supposed to find what you like? Go out once and than you are exclusive? Please. You dont hardly know anybody even after a handful of dates.

 

Why not date multiple people?

 

I think guys in general have issues dealing with the fact that if she is dating others than she may be sleeping with them.

 

But you want to sleep with her too. So what exactly is the problem. You either want to sleep with her or you dont. And if you do, you cant point the finger and say how horrible she is for sleeping with you.

 

Its that old conumdrum of the madonna/whore syndrome. You want to sleep with her but if she does sleep with you than she is a whore.

 

BTW, I dont agree with the statement that its horrible to approach dating like a job? Why not?

 

In essence it is a job but its a job at a personal level. She is scrutinizing you and you are scrutinizing her. Thats how it goes. If the two of you click and are what each other wants, its a done deal. Its just like job hunting.

[irc333]

She is scrutinizing you and you are scrutinizing her

 

I don't really scrutinize actually....scrutinize means a person is so focused too closely on the person....sometimes to a fault even.

 

I'm not really looking for anything when I'm out on a date with them, I just go with the flow, and scrutinity and go-with-the-flow don't go together in a date.

 

Sometimes people are under such scrutiny, they're actually LOOKING for something wrong with them.

 

When I date I don't have to scrutinize....whatever comes out naturally that doesn't seem right (or perhaps great) will reveal itself anyhow. Scrutize involves actually LOOKING for something, which is something someone shouldn't really do when they're dating naturally.

Edited November 24, 2010 by irc333

[sweetjasmine]

If you are not dating multiple people how are you supposed to find what you like?

 

By dating one person at a time, for me.

 

Go out once and than you are exclusive?

 

No. I go out once and decide if I want to go out again. I go out a second time and decide if I want to keep going. Continue that pattern until I decide if it's worth trying out seriously. If I decide against it at any point, I move on to someone else.

 

You dont hardly know anybody even after a handful of dates.

 

The way it's worked out for me is that I've ended up dating pretty much only men who I already knew beforehand, so my experiences have been different.

 

Why not date multiple people?

 

Because I don't like it and would rather focus on one person at a time. Just because I'm not planning other dates with other people doesn't mean I've committed to marriage and a life-time iron-clad commitment with someone after one date. It just means I'd rather focus on pursuing this possibility at the moment, and I'll make up my mind along the way depending on what happens.

 

BTW, I dont agree with the statement that its horrible to approach dating like a job? Why not?

 

I don't know if it's objectively "horrible", but I don't like the sentiment because it implies going out on dates with multiple people and sitting down after the fact comparing each person to the other instead of looking at a person individually and figuring out who they are and whether they're compatible with you.

 

So, "X has a really great sense of humor, but Y is smarter, and Z's interests are closer to mine. Hmmm." versus focusing on any of the three individually without seeing how they measure up to others and then judging them on their own merits. I'd rather look at one person at a time and compare them to what I want than get distracted by the different traits that different people have by dating them all at the same time and measuring each up to the other.

 

Some people probably do multi-dating differently and take another approach, but I'm just describing what the "job interview" part of it sounds like to me.

[sally4sara]

The most naturally growing relationships I've had began with casual dating or multi-dating. You have options so you don't invest too fast in the wrong person so often.

Where as the people I've dated who expected (and I agreed) to give all my time to immediately always resulted in at least a few months of poorly invested time in a highly incompatible person because, being my only option at the time once I agreed to not date others, were given admittance into my life without earning it first.