Dating a recovering alcoholic ...

[Banker Chick]

Would you?

 

I've been on 2 dates with this guy and he told me he's a recovering alcoholic (told me on the 1st date in case it was a dealbreaker for me). I really like him so far and he has his crap together in all other areas. He believes he can't drink at all (not like some people I know that feel they can still drink in moderation) and attends AA meetings.

 

Just wondering if anyone had any experience with this.

[sugarmomma]

How long has he been sober? If its a short time (less than 3 years) I would say beware but if its longer he should have a good foundation built. Most times RA are willing to be open about who they are and where they're trying to go in their lives. I would move really slow but don't count him out if he has his support systems in place.

 

Is he in therapy also?? AA meetings only help so much since they don't get into addressing the issues that lead to the alcoholism. He may also have issues with other addictions like food sex, codependency etc. So also be on the lookout for those.

[zengirl]

Would you?

 

I've been on 2 dates with this guy and he told me he's a recovering alcoholic (told me on the 1st date in case it was a dealbreaker for me). I really like him so far and he has his crap together in all other areas. He believes he can't drink at all (not like some people I know that feel they can still drink in moderation) and attends AA meetings.

 

Just wondering if anyone had any experience with this.

 

It sounds like he is potentially in a good place with it. Personally, that being true, I wouldn't let it be a dealbreaker. One of my good friends is married to a fellow who's an alcoholic and they've been happy for 8 years now. He's a fantastic fellow. And never had an incident.

[brainygirl]

On the pro (for him) side, he's open with you about it and doesn't drink.

 

On the con side, I have a never trust an addict policy. But then I was raised by drug and alcohol abusers and my youngest brother is currently a sever user of all substances. He will and has stolen from everyone he knows.

 

I say, watch him, be aware that he may have "special needs" such as staying away from areas that lots of alcohol is present and aware that he may not have the "tools" to handle stress as well as other people.

[Pfiend101]

I find this thread interesting. As I'm also a RA sober for almost 2 years now. I attend the AA meetings as well. If he has a solid program in AA then it wont be an issue.

 

For whoever said the AA isn't enough and counseling is needed as well. That isn't the case for most that I've known.

 

I'm only 23 and have had a lot of people that dont want to date me because I dont drink. It's kind of depressing and makes me think that maybe I have to drink to find someone. Then I remember what life was like when I used to drink. It was hell.

[sanskrit]

Considering the vast numbers of people in society who are actually alcoholics in denial, he may be a somewhat safer bet than a random selection from the dating pool. It also depends on where the problem originates. If it originates from being the average person out having fun and getting into minor trouble, that's one thing. If it originates from someone who has used alcohol to attempt to self-medicate other issues, another.

 

There is an alcohol abuse industry in the U.S. that attempts to convince average young people that they are all alcoholics. One question on standard screens is "Have you ever blacked out in your life from using alcohol?" and if the answer is yes, the "industry" attempts to convince you that you are indeed an alcoholic, no matter if the incident was last week or 15 years ago at a wild party when you were 22.

 

Different if it were drugs.

Edited November 14, 2010 by sanskrit

[Banker Chick]

Thanks everyone for your replies. If I remember right, he's been sober for two years and the catalyst was the day his wife died. He hasn't touched alcohol since. I get the impression he wasn't a hard core alcoholic (I know, an alcoholic is an alcoholic) but he told me when it starts affecting your life, you're an alcoholic. And for the person who asked, he is in other counseling, as are his kids.

 

This guy is a 42 y.o. successful chiropractor and has two really nice, seemingly well-adjusted kids and a good friend and family base (as far as what he's told me). I'd hate to be judgemental and not give him a chance. He did tell me that it's ok if I want to have a drink here and there but he couldn't date me if I was someone that liked to get hammered all the time. I drink very seldom so it's not a problem for me anyway.

 

Thanks again!

[zengirl]

Thanks everyone for your replies. If I remember right, he's been sober for two years and the catalyst was the day his wife died. He hasn't touched alcohol since. I get the impression he wasn't a hard core alcoholic (I know, an alcoholic is an alcoholic) but he told me when it starts affecting your life, you're an alcoholic. And for the person who asked, he is in other counseling, as are his kids.

 

This guy is a 42 y.o. successful chiropractor and has two really nice, seemingly well-adjusted kids and a good friend and family base (as far as what he's told me). I'd hate to be judgemental and not give him a chance. He did tell me that it's ok if I want to have a drink here and there but he couldn't date me if I was someone that liked to get hammered all the time. I drink very seldom so it's not a problem for me anyway.

 

Thanks again!

 

It sounds like he's extremely responsible about it and stopped of his own accord before hitting a stereotypical rock bottom. And I fully understand alcoholism spurred by losing a spouse, personally. I wouldn't judge him too much on this if it doesn't make you incompatible---i.e. you don't mind not getting hammered around him, etc. Realizing you have a problem and dealing with it is very responsible and positive in my book.

[carhill]

If a stranger, especially if recovery has occurred recently, like in the past couple years, probably not. If someone I've known whom has shown themselves to be a loving and caring person who has a chemical dependency, more likely. I actually know someone like that who apparently is losing her marriage because of it and has sought treatment. We'll see.

 

Regardless, I'd have no trouble supporting an alcoholic in their recovery process, even as a friend. Drinking doesn't rule me and there are plenty of other ways to socialize. For the OP, that's a consideration. Would dating/LTR/M an alcoholic in recovery significantly impact how *you* socialize and/or conduct yourself in your life? Is that OK with you? It sounds like it is, but remember the wider scope. As someone not ruled by alcohol, you can easily socialize with people who drink at varying levels. Often, an alcoholic cannot. They have to change the fabric of their social circle. Something to talk with him about. The 'friend' I referred to above, actually a close friend of my exW and mine, will likely have to make wholesale changes in her social circle due to her specific triggers and how those people pull them. Prior, her social life revolved around social drinking. Someone who didn't 'know' her like we do would never guess at her situation. There are no clear outside clues, except perhaps to another alcoholic.

 

Anyway, good luck and IMO give it a try, mindful of some clear boundaries. Don't fudge them if warning signs crop up.