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Will I ever find the happy medium..


V.Vixen

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I date casually, it never turns into anything. I did the FWB thing, it ends up messy (not on my part).

 

I just want something consistent. I don't want to sleep around, but I don't need to be in a serious relationship either. It seems my choices in men are lacking in the quality I am looking for. How do I pinpoint what I am doing wrong?

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I can argue the same thing when it goes for men dating women. Of my experience, and it is possible men do it too, the majority is looking for something better. When a hint of it comes along, they jet. The online dating sites like PlentyofFish, OKCupid, Match.com, etc. lead to the problem, not the solution. When you have an endless amount of options, why would you consider settling down?

 

Try different venues such as volunteering, Meetup.com groups, and other social events. If you (all of us) continue to look in the same places for potential relationships, we are going to receive the same recycled prospects. Different face, body, mind and personality, but same prospects.

 

If a girl finds a guy (or reverse a guy finds a girl) you are interested in, just focus on that one person, just date them, if you see potential and stop logging on to look at other dating site options.

 

Just my opinion.

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I don't want to sleep around, but I don't need to be in a serious relationship either.

This statement seems to be polar opposites of one another if you want male companionship.

 

It seems my choices in men are lacking in the quality I am looking for. How do I pinpoint what I am doing wrong?

The reality is you need to figure out what you want and make a choice:

 

a) Sleeping around.

 

b) Date someone and try a RL.

 

c) Serially date and understand you'll be replacing guys regularly.

 

d) Be alone.

 

I don't know what you're looking for exactly in a man, but I hope it's not unrealistic. Most of the time when I meet women who are chronically single and/or not finding what they want in a man, 9 out of 10 times it's because she's pining away for a man she'll never get.

 

In some cases it's the girl who wants some guy who doesn't want to commit, but she's hoping he'll come around. Many times even they painted a fantasy image in their minds of this guy where the actual guy isn't anything like that.

 

In other cases, the guy they want maybe doesn't exist physically in front of them, but they set up a long list in their mind of qualities and standards that most men in their dating pool can't achieve. Maybe they want tall, dark, handsome, successful, exciting...and he wants to marry and have a family. Unfortunately they either meet tall/dark/handsome/exciting who only wants sex, or bland/average guy who does want to marry and have a family.

 

If your standards are unrealistic, then you're only blocking yourself from possible good men. It's like the other topic about marrying for emotional and financial stabilty, but not being deeply attracted to the man physically. If you keep thinking he must be 98-100% of what you want in the perfect male, then chances are he'll never come. Most women I've met like this know a few specimens who are "ideal", but they have a "but" attached:

 

"He's the perfect guy for me...but he's married."

 

"He's the perfect guy for me...but he doesn't want to get married ever in his life."

 

"He's the perfect guy for me...but he makes crap money and can't hold a job."

 

"He's the perfect guy for me...but he won't date me and instead wants younger/thinner/fake boobs/sluttier girls over me."

 

I also think (like I said earlier) you need to make a choice. Guys aren't going to waste time and money on women if there isn't an end result. When we approach and get to know women, it's because we want something. We want love, companionship, connection, or even just sex. If I meet women who basically want to date, but not have it go any further than dinners out that I'm paying for, and yet she's telling me this will never go any further...then I move on. I know it sounds cold, but that's how we men are. Would you like to be dating an attractive man only to find out he doesn't want anything more out of you than just someone to talk to?

 

I'm not saying you have to get into a deep RL right now, but bear in mind that guys are wired to be goal-oriented. Playas are goal-oriented to get laid and especially to "conquer" the girl he's set his sights on. Other guys are goal-oriented to get a girlfriend, or wife, or to get the girl they want to be his girlfriend or wife.

 

Just take it easy...date...enjoy life...but bear in mind that you can't keep seeing a guy for a long time and think he'll be just happy with seeing you and occasional sex. Eventually you'll have to take a chance.

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Vixen,

 

since this has been going on for at least two years when you first started posting here (I looked at your earlier posts because you didn't really provide to much background info here), and your tiny avatar indicates you are probably quite attractive, and you've been through a divorce, I'm going to suggest that you may have some issues relating to being able to commit and/or make yourself vulnerable enough to someone to really get intimate in an emotional way (not just sexually).

 

Have you tried individual counseling?

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Yes, I've been through counciling. If I could find a guy that I actually like who likes me back, I'd be really happy. I have been dating this entire time. The ones I am not interested are overly interested in me, and the ones I am interested in run like the wind after what I thought was a great time.:o

 

btw, please don't misinterpret this for being unhappy in all aspects of my life, I'm most definitely not completely unhappy. It's just the dealing with men thing. I guess sometimes I do want to have my cake and eat it too.

Edited by V.Vixen
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Yes, I've been through counciling. If I could find a guy that I actually like who likes me back, I'd be really happy. I have been dating this entire time. The ones I am not interested are overly interested in me, and the ones I am interested in run like the wind after what I thought was a great time.:o

 

btw, please don't misinterpret this for being unhappy in all aspects of my life, I'm most definitely not completely unhappy. It's just the dealing with men thing. I guess sometimes I do want to have my cake and eat it too.

 

 

Maybe you need to change the "type" of guy you are looking for.

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