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Conflicted.


tigressA

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I saw C for the first time in about a month today. I thought he was going to stay with me for the night, but early on in our reunion he said he was going back because he has an overseas teleconference for work at 11. Since he's been back from his vacation they've been working him like a horse because he's been away so long, and because they can--they have a gun pointed at his friggin' work visa. Say goodbye to weekends with him indefinitely, and hello to once-a-week 2-hour dates, Tigress...

 

He had driven straight from work and was here a little over 2 hours. He was fairly distant; he's still down over his uncle's sudden death that occurred just a few days before he had to leave India. I just sat with him and held his hand while he rambled on. He did absolutely love the present I got for him. His face lit up like a little kid, it was really very endearing. :love:

 

I like him so much, but the circumstances are really starting to kill me. I know he makes me a priority to the extent that is possible for him, but I don't know if I can increase my acceptance of the situation as is. I'm tempted to talk to him about taking a break until things get sorted out and there's less chaos. But then I get sad at the idea of not talking with him every night before we go to bed, and at not seeing him at all.

 

I just do not know what to do. I guess while I don't know, it's not a good idea to make any rash decisions. I feel so at odds with myself.

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I'm tempted to talk to him about taking a break until things get sorted out and there's less chaos.

 

This seems a bit contradictory. You're willing to take a break, during which no contact occurs, until some undefined time when things have gotten sorted out. This is a guy you really like, and you're willing to wait until later for him, so in the meantime you'll just cut him off? I'd wonder how nothing is better than something in the interim until the day when things get better. I don't think it is, actually, and so I would think you have another motive for the idea of a "break". It seems more like a way to punish him for how things are, because it seems the circumstances are due to how his life is right now. It seems passive aggressive to me. A way to assert yourself, even though it costs you the time he actually can offer.

 

Or maybe you are trying to protect yourself from the idea you have in your head that he doesn't really have the same, deep feelings for you. So cut him out to save the heartache. In this case, are you doubting that there actually will be a time when things "get sorted out"?

 

Or else maybe it will be a way to spur him to show that he really does have those feelings. An ultimatum.

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Things are kind of up in the air with me, too. I found out a couple of days ago that my current job has a vague, as yet unknown expiration date, so I've been out job hunting. I enrolled in online classes with an accredited university and start next week but my financial aid still isn't sorted out. I don't know if I'm even going to get to see my family for either major holiday coming up, who I haven't seen in 1-3+ years, depending on which person I'm talking about.

 

I was just thinking that it might be better for him to not have to think of me at all for awhile. I told him about the job situation the day I found out what I could, and he said to just ask him if I needed help, but I would feel guilty, knowing that he has his own crap to deal with. And he seemed rather worried about me, and us, when I told him. I felt like I worried him needlessly because I didn't really know anything at the time when I told him. And I still don't.

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I was just thinking that it might be better for him to not have to think of me at all for awhile.

 

If you throw this excuse at him, he'll instantly know you're BSing him and possibly yourself as well.

 

He's a big boy. If he thinks having to think about you is becoming a problem, then it's up to him to do something about it. I have no doubt you respect him and his ability to look out for himself. Not to mention if he does end up worrying about you, that would doubtlessly be more than offset by the good things that come from having you in his life.

 

Don't try to make this about him. You're looking for reasons to run away, because you're afraid. You should be evaluating this relationship based on whether you're getting what you need out of it or whether it has the potential to be a good one for you. Not based on made up stories about how he'll react to your situation. At least be honest with yourself and him about it.

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I was totally going to agree with you, A... about taking a break, because of your differing needs/priorities right now.

 

But J, as usual, has changed my mind.

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I really do like C but I am not sure if my feelings for him can override what I think is the very high suck factor of the circumstances. Then again, I'm not having a relationship with the circumstances. I'm having a relationship with C.

 

This is what it comes down to...I'm very fond of him. I feel like he's worth having in my life. The WAY he's in my life...I have a problem with it, and the problem is that I'm not satisfied with it in the sense that it's not enough. But if I want to have him in my life, I have to somehow make myself be okay with how he's in it now, in hopes that things will change and I will be satisfied later.

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Let's see if I can summarize this accurately: He's a great guy, but this isn't a great relationship for you.

 

Am I right?

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I really do like C but I am not sure if my feelings for him can override what I think is the very high suck factor of the circumstances. Then again, I'm not having a relationship with the circumstances. I'm having a relationship with C.

 

This is what it comes down to...I'm very fond of him. I feel like he's worth having in my life. The WAY he's in my life...I have a problem with it, and the problem is that I'm not satisfied with it in the sense that it's not enough. But if I want to have him in my life, I have to somehow make myself be okay with how he's in it now, in hopes that things will change and I will be satisfied later.

 

If I were him and I heard you say this, then I would trust that you're being straight with me. At least I would know exactly where you stand. And I would then tell you exactly where I stand. And then we could both look at what kind of future we can look forward to.

 

And by the way: I think your feelings for him are deeper than simple "fondness". That's another thing you should be honest with yourself about. And probably him, too. Although he probably already knows. But he still needs to know you are straight with yourself about things like this, or he won't completely respect you.

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Let's see if I can summarize this accurately: He's a great guy, but this isn't a great relationship for you.

 

Am I right?

 

Being perfectly honest with myself...yes, you're right. The circumstances...I know they're not his fault, and I know he's doing the best he can. I mean, he knew he had to be back home before 11 p.m. but he drove an hour and change both ways just to see me for 2 hours. Not the first time he's done something like that.

 

I feel so selfish admitting it, but what I am getting right now isn't what I want. I want more than this. But at the same time my eyes well up and my stomach aches at the first thought of cutting him out of my life. :(

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I feel so selfish admitting it, but what I am getting right now isn't what I want. I want more than this. But at the same time my eyes well up and my stomach aches at the first thought of cutting him out of my life. :(

 

Star is right...no matter how great the person might, if the relationship isn't what you want, you're not going to be happy...and what's the point of the relationship if it doesn't make you happy... :(

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I feel so selfish admitting it, but what I am getting right now isn't what I want. I want more than this. But at the same time my eyes well up and my stomach aches at the first thought of cutting him out of my life. :(

 

Been there. :(

 

A relationship is supposed to make you happy, A. Particularly this early in the game.

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Been there. :(

 

A relationship is supposed to make you happy, A. Particularly this early in the game.

 

That's the thing that's got me so confused. I'm happy when I'm with him (and otherwise too, I have other interests that keep me occupied); I'm "on cloud 9", as they say. By the way, why is cloud 9 "that" cloud? Why not cloud 10? Or 23?

 

It's not like it will be like this forever. I know it won't. And if I can't stick through this temporary storm, what's the point to committing to someone at all?

 

Clearly I don't want to do what people are telling me I should do. :laugh::laugh::p

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He has no idea how I'm feeling about any of this. As always, he thinks everything is fine with us. I think he would be beyond shocked to know that I've been crying on and off since Monday.

 

I am afraid. I'm afraid of the feelings I have for him because I keep thinking it's impossible to feel this way right now, as we haven't even spent a whole lot of time together compared to other couples who can see each other more often. I still don't know him very well. How can I be feeling like this? He knows that I like him but I don't think he knows just how much. I've made myself vulnerable to him by degrees, but this is a big vulnerability and I feel I can't bring myself to reveal it yet.

 

I should just let it out and see what comes of it. Maybe I could even do it without crying. :p

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TA, first thing is to calm down. I also agree with Johan that a "break", would be counter-productive at this time. He , for whatever reasons, isn't able to make as much time for the relationship as you would like, but he IS doing the best that he can. You have very strong feelings for him and are frustrated by the situation (lack of progress) and feel guilty for having these feelings (like you are being selfish, which you're not). But don't you think that ALL of this should be communicated to him? If you are ever going to have a lasting relationship with him, you must be willing to communicate your thoughts and feelings to the other person. Open up to him, tell him how you are thinking, and see what he says. Making him think that all is well, when it isn't, is being deceitful. Honesty and communication will solve your problems, one way or another.

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I wasn't deliberately trying to make him think that everything's fine. I have told him plenty of times that I think our situation sucks and that I wish I could see him more. He just says he wishes he could do more...I don't really like telling him this because he can't do anything about it; it just makes him feel bad that I'm upset. How I feel about it has just gotten stronger over the last couple of days, and I've been rather emotional over it. I wish I wasn't but I just am. I'd like to bring it up to him when I'm, you know, calm--and my definition of calm involves being at least fairly certain I won't start crying while talking about it. I HATE doing that. But who knows when that day will come. I think of all this stuff and my eyes start welling up. I'm crying again now! Ugh, I feel like such a p***y. WTF is with all the tears?!

Edited by tigressA
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TA, you know that I wuv you, and you're my favorite pu**y on LS, so stop the waterworks, OK? You are a smart, affectionate, beautiful, and honest Lady. I KNOW that you are trying to do the right thing, so don't be such a doubting Tigress. Make the most of what you have, now. When you are together, BE together. Make every minute precious, and all will turn out good. Trust me on this.;)

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I'm not as familiar with your situation as most people on here but my relationship is a lot like yours. My bf has a big project at work right now and he doesnt have time to come out here as often as he normally does and it CAN wear on a persons nerves. Even my bf who normally doesnt react emotionally to anything was getting frustrated yesterday. Its just symptoms of the LDR, seriously. But it is NOT worth ending a relationship over, and not worth taking a break.

Normally when things are hectic for him I can go out there but for the last 3 weeks I haven't been able to go out there either. But I think no matter what, you're better together :) Unless something other than distance were to come up. I personally think distance alone would not be reason enough to lose someone I love.

As far as acting distant goes. My bf gets like that when he's super stressed out at work. I know him well enough to give him some space on those days and then he comes back to normal on his own.

And guys ALWAYS think everything is hunky dory. It actually cracks me up that my bf always thinks we are on cloud 9 when I am beyond missing him and sad!! LOL. Then I have to break it to him haha but this time he actually was the one to break down which was interesting, b/c this time I was the one to think everything was fine. ahhhh Love :)

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TA, you know that I wuv you, and you're my favorite pu**y on LS, so stop the waterworks, OK? You are a smart, affectionate, beautiful, and honest Lady. I KNOW that you are trying to do the right thing, so don't be such a doubting Tigress. Make the most of what you have, now. When you are together, BE together. Make every minute precious, and all will turn out good. Trust me on this.;)

 

Thanks, Joe. :love::)

 

I do feel somewhat better now. I did have a really nice time with him. My favorite part was giving him his present. He's really into photography and quite talented, so I "borrowed" all his cityscape/skyline pictures from his Facebook and created an 8x10 photo collage panel, with a title and his name on it. I created another one of the same size with a grouping of pictures of him and his friends, including me. He said, "I had no idea my pictures could look this good." He looked so happy. When we said goodbye we had a long hug and I whispered in his ear, "I really missed you" and he said, "Me too." :love:

 

We each have our own set of concerns. I'm more concerned with how things are now; he's more concerned with how things will be in the future. Not too long ago he was freaked out about his visa extension application and he was asking me if I would go see him in India if he had to go back, etc, would I still want to be with him. And when I told him about my job dilemma he was worried that I would end up relocating somewhere further away. I was thinking, "I don't know; I don't even know what I'll want to eat tomorrow, nobody can tell what will happen" with regard to his concerns. Whereas in regard to me he's thinking, "I'm doing the best I can and there's really nothing else to be done, it sucks for me too but it's something we have to deal with for now."

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I feel so selfish admitting it, but what I am getting right now isn't what I want. I want more than this. But at the same time my eyes well up and my stomach aches at the first thought of cutting him out of my life. :(

 

Sorry the both of you are going through such ****ty circumstances. :( I just wanted to add my thoughts to this: In every single LTR, there will be times when the relationship will not be able to provide what you want out of a relationship. Anyone who says otherwise has never been in an LTR, lives a fairytale life in a fairytale world, or is lying. So, how do you decide whether to just grit your teeth and bear through it, or to take a break?

 

Three main factors, from what I've learnt from my LDR. Firstly, how worth it do you feel it is to grit your teeth and endure this time? This depends on how long you've been together, how special you feel this relationship is, and what you think your chances are in the future. Secondly, how long is this tough period likely to last, and how healthily do you think you would be able to cope with it? Thirdly, how much effort is he putting in despite the circumstances, to be able to maintain the relationship?

 

P.S. You and your guy sound very much like me and mine re: the present and future thinking. :)

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In every single LTR, there will be times when the relationship will not be able to provide what you want out of a relationship. Anyone who says otherwise has never been in an LTR, lives a fairytale life in a fairytale world, or is lying. So, how do you decide whether to just grit your teeth and bear through it, or to take a break?

 

Three main factors, from what I've learnt from my LDR. Firstly, how worth it do you feel it is to grit your teeth and endure this time? This depends on how long you've been together, how special you feel this relationship is, and what you think your chances are in the future. Secondly, how long is this tough period likely to last, and how healthily do you think you would be able to cope with it? Thirdly, how much effort is he putting in despite the circumstances, to be able to maintain the relationship?

 

 

This is really good advice, TigressA. All LTRs go through rocky phases, and you just have to try to look at it as holistically as possible and make a consideration of needed inputs versus potential long term outcomes. As long as you're conflicted about it, don't make any rushed decisions. Good luck :)

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I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better and I think I understand why you were or are feeling so emotional about the situation. It goes something like this:

1) you're trying to figure out what you need and comparing it with what you have.

2) You notice a discrepancy and this, if I understand the thread correctly, is leading you to

3) think that you have to make a decision about whether or not you can continue with the relationship. Basically, you've fallen into all-or-nothing thinking.

 

My argument here is that 1 and 2 don't have to lead to 3.

 

Johan has pointed out another solution: share your concerns and discuss solutions together. The first reason you should do this is because it would be unfair to C to make a unilateral decision without consulting with him.

 

It would help you to learn to think about your needs without automatically putting your relationship on the line. This will help you think about your needs without the emotional component you currently experience. It just means, once again, learning to assert your needs in positive ways. The benefice to doing so is that you will also allow C into your life. Once you practice communicating your needs effectively enough, you won't get so emotional every time you have to assert yourself. It is going to become easier.

 

As to the distance-time thing, I'm also in a LDR with a workaholic. I'm happy to report things have gotten way easier for us. Of course, there are moments when we can't be there for each other the same way we would if we were living in the same city. As Elswyth pointed out, that's just something we agree to accept about our relationship right now.

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Three main factors, from what I've learnt from my LDR. Firstly, how worth it do you feel it is to grit your teeth and endure this time? This depends on how long you've been together, how special you feel this relationship is, and what you think your chances are in the future. Secondly, how long is this tough period likely to last, and how healthily do you think you would be able to cope with it? Thirdly, how much effort is he putting in despite the circumstances, to be able to maintain the relationship?

 

P.S. You and your guy sound very much like me and mine re: the present and future thinking. :)

 

Thanks, Elswyth. :) So, looking at the factors...

 

1) I think it would be very worth it to endure this. We've only been together for a little over 3 months, but I figure our "honeymoon phase" will come later. I think we have a good chance to make it if I can stick through this time. I know he can do it.

 

2) I don't know how long this is likely to last, on either side. Probably at least through the holidays--he already had his holiday (3 weeks), so he'll be working through Thanksgiving and Christmas/New Year's. I'm supposed to see my family during those times, but I don't know if I will because of my own dilemma. I won't be getting paid at all if I'm away, and if the expiration date of this job comes early in the new year, I have to earn every single cent I can and hoard it in hopes that I can put rent down on a place for myself somewhere else. I am looking for jobs closer to where he is. Incidentally, it's an area that I thought I would like to move to awhile before I met him. Worst case scenarios are that I have to move in with my dad across the state on an indefinite basis if I can't find another job around here, and that his visa extension will get rejected and he'll have to return to India for at least a year.

 

I like to think I could cope with it alright. I was actually really okay when he was away on vacation. I think I've been so emotional because it's been so long since we had seen each other, and now on top of that we have to deal with these things that will limit our time together further. I let myself dream of spending this weekend with him and when I found out that wouldn't happen I felt crushed.

 

3) He is putting in all that he can. We talk every night and he's promised to come up every Wednesday in lieu of no weekends, so I'll at least see him once a week, barring some serious problem. In retrospect it's not so terrible. It used to be every other weekend. Perhaps there will be some times when he won't have overseas conference calls and he can stay over those nights, which would be really great. And there could be a weekend or two during which he won't have to work. I just thought of maybe going to visit him during the weekends. He would be gone during the day but at least we would have the evenings together, and that's better than nothing. I'll bring that up to him when we talk.

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One of the hardest things for me to remember in a relationship is that the guy I'm with has a world outside of me. He isn't there to meet all my needs and its up to me to meet some of my own needs or to seek out other sources of support, such as friends, etc.

 

It sounds like you are in the "I want him but not like this" phase. I've been there too and it sucks. I think you need to ask yourself some questions.

 

Do you want to be with him? Do you want to be with someone else? Do you want to continue to invest in a relationship that might not go anywhere? Do you think it's going anywhere? Does he think it's going anywhere?

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He is putting in all that he can. We talk every night and he's promised to come up every Wednesday in lieu of no weekends, so I'll at least see him once a week, barring some serious problem. In retrospect it's not so terrible. It used to be every other weekend. Perhaps there will be some times when he won't have overseas conference calls and he can stay over those nights, which would be really great. And there could be a weekend or two during which he won't have to work. I just thought of maybe going to visit him during the weekends. He would be gone during the day but at least we would have the evenings together, and that's better than nothing. I'll bring that up to him when we talk.

 

If you want to stay with him, try to focus on this.

 

That's all I will say for now. :)

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