OnlyJake Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 The other night my bf and I were preparing to go out for the night - we were meeting friends out for drinks. One girl we both know was going to be there. I wouldn't say she is a friend to either of us, but we both see her out frequently in social situations with other friends, and she is engaged. Bf emphatically states that he does not like this girl. He never has anything nice to say about her. Every time her name comes up (not often) or he knows that he or I will be seeing her, he spends a good chunk of time trash talking her, and then commenting on how he likes her fiance. This time, like clockwork, he delivered a 20 minute harangue about how he dislikes her. However, after several drinks and everyone is a bit tipsy, I start to notice that every single time this girl walks by my bf she rubs his back or touches his hair, and at one point in the night they stood for several moments with their arms around each other and he gave her a huge sloppy kiss on the cheek. IMO, this is couple behavior. And yes, her fiance was there, but while others were tipsy he was smashed out of his face. I got pretty pissed about this behavior. He has some girl friends that he acts kind of touchy feely with, like rubbing shoulders and things like that, or cheek kissing, and I don't have a problem with it. With this other girl, though, I find it incredibly inappropriate. I feel that 1) if you don't like someone, you don't ACT that way, and 2) my perception of this (whether right or wrong) is that this particular behavior was over the top. I brought this up to him, and it caused a huge fight, where basically he thinks that this means he has to walk on egg shells, and I'm insecure if I have a problem with this, because he didn't do anything wrong, and that clearly I must be wrong, because I am the only person who has a problem with this, and her fiance doesn't have a problem with it (but as stated, he was freaking wasted and probably didn't know, and definitely doesn't remember...and regardless, this girl doesn't know I'm ****in' pissed, so maybe my bf doesn't know her bf is ****in' pissed, ya know?) Am I being a control freak/unreasonable about this for no reason? Or am I just not compatible with this guy and looking for reasons to out? Is this the last nail in the coffin? I really don't know what to make of this. I am definitely STILL not happy about his behavior, and also really turned off by the fact that I have a problem and he doesn't acknowledge my feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 To be fair, being drunk makes people do things they wouldn't have otherwise - but his response to you, honestly, is what grates here. If he had acknowledged that he was wrong and taken steps to prevent it from happening again, that would be one thing, but this just smacks of gaslighting and disregard to your feelings. Then again, that probably also partly depends on how you approached him, even though that in itself isn't an excuse for the behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
Sabali Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 Your boyfriend was out of order and disrespectful towards you and he obviously has a thing for this woman he supposedly despise. Alcohol intensifies feelings and they easily become more apparent after you get wasted. For example, if you are depressed, you become much more depressed after drinking. If you have strong feelings against someone, they seem stronger after you get drunk and you have a decreased ability to hold yourself back. His true attraction to this woman was exposed after a few too many. He became less able to hold them back or hide those feelings. He probably displayed anger regarding that woman in the past because of something she did to upset him in light of the strong probability that he was attracted to her. For example, if he told her he liked her in the past yet he saw her flirting with someone other than her actual BF this could upset him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnlyJake Posted October 27, 2010 Author Share Posted October 27, 2010 Then again, that probably also partly depends on how you approached him, even though that in itself isn't an excuse for the behaviour. Not sure if that's a question, but for clarification: At the time, I didn't do anything - when people are drinking there's really no way to win in a situation like that, IMO. The next day I told him that I wasn't happy about specific behaviors, and I attempted to explain why, but was cut off by his screaming about how pissed off he was that I would deign to bring that up as a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Sabali Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 Not sure if that's a question, but for clarification: At the time, I didn't do anything - when people are drinking there's really no way to win in a situation like that, IMO. The next day I told him that I wasn't happy about specific behaviors, and I attempted to explain why, but was cut off by his screaming about how pissed off he was that I would deign to bring that up as a problem. Bad, bad sign... Link to post Share on other sites
sanskrit Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 but was cut off by his screaming about how pissed off he was that I would deign to bring that up as a problem. It seems his inability to hear you out is the real issue here rather than the drunken behavior, which was bad but you yourself say they were sloshed. If this is the standard retort when you try to discuss things with him, and it's a Catch 22 to even bring it up as he will start yelling about his not hearing you out, would consider moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnlyJake Posted October 28, 2010 Author Share Posted October 28, 2010 Bad, bad sign... It seems his inability to hear you out is the real issue here rather than the drunken behavior, which was bad but you yourself say they were sloshed. If this is the standard retort when you try to discuss things with him, and it's a Catch 22 to even bring it up as he will start yelling about his not hearing you out, would consider moving on. Right, I feel this behavior just compounds the initial problem, and is a problem in and of itself. I also can't help but feel that an emotionally healthy, stable individual with a high interest level would not treat the situation this way. I don't think it's unreasonable of me to state a specific behavior that makes me uncomfortable and ask him to not engage in such behavior...again, as stated, it was how he was with this particular girl that he supposedly dislikes, not how he is with any and every girl. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 Bad, bad sign... Agreed. HUGE red flag. He's obviously got a crush on this girl at the very least. That quote, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks" came to mind while I read your initial post. Your BF isn't a lady, but the gist of it definitely applies here. I honestly would not be surprised if he's been cheating on you with her. I would end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnlyJake Posted October 28, 2010 Author Share Posted October 28, 2010 I honestly would not be surprised if he's been cheating on you with her. Just to be fair, I know that this part is not at all possible. I'm not defending him, but I know that this is not the case. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 Just to be fair, I know that this part is not at all possible. I'm not defending him, but I know that this is not the case. Well, that's one good thing. But there still are big, big red flags waving all 'round this situation. He was way too insistent to be believed with regard to his supposed dislike of her, which strongly suggests that he's attracted to her. And the way he reacted to your concerns was thoroughly immature. I still stand by my original advice, which is to end it. I don't see this getting any better, particularly because he friggin' screamed at you when you tried to put voice to how you felt on the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazy Magnet Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 *hands over the hammer* All I can tell you is that my BF would never do this to me in a million years. It's weird that he would trash talk her so much and then be overly affectionate with her. That just sits the wrong way with me. When actions and words don't match there is something not being seen or said behind the scenes. I'm very concerned that he would not acknowledge that this upset you. Beware. Keep that hammer ready. If you were already wanting out this might be a good opportunity to go on and exit stage left. Link to post Share on other sites
Sabali Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 Just to be fair, I know that this part is not at all possible. I'm not defending him, but I know that this is not the case. OP, your username should be onlySabali. That is your first error. I won't hold the second one against you because I am not sure how much dating experience you have or if you actually understand a concept that many ignore when it comes to dating. That concept is that although no one is perfect and that we all mistakes, there are certain behaviors or acts that one commits that define who he or she is in relationships. A guy who cuts you off and starts screaming after you bring up an incident that you felt was inappropriate (and it was) is someone who does not know how to handle relationship issues well or refuse to handle them well with you. Either way, it is not good for you. Listen... This guy is attracted to that other woman. That is why he spends so much time trashing her and is all over her once alcohol lower his walls. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 I'm more concerned that he's unable to acknowledge when you have a problem and take your feelings seriously even if he doesn't feel that they're justified from his perspective. He just screamed at you for daring to suggest that there might be a problem, instead of listening to you and being supportive of your feelings even if he doesn't agree with your viewpoint. I dumped my ex for the very same issue; it's unacceptable behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
AverageJoe Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 I don't think it's unreasonable of me to state a specific behavior that makes me uncomfortable and ask him to not engage in such behavior I have a different take on things. Of course it is unreasonable to ask him to change his behavior. You knew this going in and you signed up for it. And now that you are in, you have a problem. Then when the behavior is compounded with some booze and inhibitions are set free, you draw issue to it. This isnt his problem, it is yours. It is obvious this is unacceptable to you, therefore you leave. Thats right, get out and find someone that is acceptable to you instead of trying to change the behavior of others. I am not defending either of you, but do you really think this is going to change tomorrow? Next month, a year from now? Sure he can lie to you for a temporary fix, and that is what will happen. Now you are dating a liar. Why would you possibly stay knowing this is an issue for you? Solve the problem and leave instead creating a building block of resentment towards you that will just keep growing. Link to post Share on other sites
strength-abounds Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 IMO, it sounds like you're on the way out and she's on the way in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnlyJake Posted October 28, 2010 Author Share Posted October 28, 2010 I have a different take on things. Of course it is unreasonable to ask him to change his behavior. If the issue I described was "my bf is constantly flirting with other women, and this has been the case for the entire x-months we've dated" I would agree with you. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 Am I being a control freak/unreasonable about this for no reason? Or am I just not compatible with this guy and looking for reasons to out? Is this the last nail in the coffin? I really don't know what to make of this. I am definitely STILL not happy about his behavior, and also really turned off by the fact that I have a problem and he doesn't acknowledge my feelings. You are absolutely NOT being a control freak. It's pretty strange that he goes on and on about his dislike for this girl, then turns around and acts the way he did- I'd want an explanation for it as well. Most likely he is embarrassed by his behaviour and reacting to your anger by getting defensive. Maybe once he has time to think about it, you can re-visit the issue. The bottom line is that he got stupid drunk and acted inappropriately, and he owes you an apology. I'd be leery of someone that refuses to take responsibility for his actions. Is he going to react to every conflict by turning the situation around and blaming you? That's something I'd be wondering right about now. Link to post Share on other sites
AverageJoe Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 If the issue I described was "my bf is constantly flirting with other women, and this has been the case for the entire x-months we've dated" I would agree with you. Right, this just popped out of the blue, once. I dont buy that for a minute based on everything you posted. You just wanted to post a thread over an odd instance that happend just once. Got it. Go ahead and think you can change anothers behavior. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
NickelbackFan Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 The other night my bf and I were preparing to go out for the night - we were meeting friends out for drinks. One girl we both know was going to be there. I wouldn't say she is a friend to either of us, but we both see her out frequently in social situations with other friends, and she is engaged. Bf emphatically states that he does not like this girl. He never has anything nice to say about her. Every time her name comes up (not often) or he knows that he or I will be seeing her, he spends a good chunk of time trash talking her, and then commenting on how he likes her fiance. This time, like clockwork, he delivered a 20 minute harangue about how he dislikes her. However, after several drinks and everyone is a bit tipsy, I start to notice that every single time this girl walks by my bf she rubs his back or touches his hair, and at one point in the night they stood for several moments with their arms around each other and he gave her a huge sloppy kiss on the cheek. IMO, this is couple behavior. And yes, her fiance was there, but while others were tipsy he was smashed out of his face. I got pretty pissed about this behavior. He has some girl friends that he acts kind of touchy feely with, like rubbing shoulders and things like that, or cheek kissing, and I don't have a problem with it. With this other girl, though, I find it incredibly inappropriate. I feel that 1) if you don't like someone, you don't ACT that way, and 2) my perception of this (whether right or wrong) is that this particular behavior was over the top. I brought this up to him, and it caused a huge fight, where basically he thinks that this means he has to walk on egg shells, and I'm insecure if I have a problem with this, because he didn't do anything wrong, and that clearly I must be wrong, because I am the only person who has a problem with this, and her fiance doesn't have a problem with it (but as stated, he was freaking wasted and probably didn't know, and definitely doesn't remember...and regardless, this girl doesn't know I'm ****in' pissed, so maybe my bf doesn't know her bf is ****in' pissed, ya know?) Am I being a control freak/unreasonable about this for no reason? Or am I just not compatible with this guy and looking for reasons to out? Is this the last nail in the coffin? I really don't know what to make of this. I am definitely STILL not happy about his behavior, and also really turned off by the fact that I have a problem and he doesn't acknowledge my feelings. I kind of get the vibe that hey have a history together, maybe before you, at least emotional if not sexual. The trash talking is a clear indicator that he feels the need to belittle her just in case you find out they were together. Add in the alcohol and the touchy feel "we have already been here" behavior comes out. Just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 Agreed. HUGE red flag. He's obviously got a crush on this girl at the very least. That quote, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks" came to mind while I read your initial post. Your BF isn't a lady, but the gist of it definitely applies here. I honestly would not be surprised if he's been cheating on you with her. I would end it. Although it pains me to say it, I completely agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Sabali Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 I kind of get the vibe that hey have a history together, maybe before you, at least emotional if not sexual. The trash talking is a clear indicator that he feels the need to belittle her just in case you find out they were together. Add in the alcohol and the touchy feel "we have already been here" behavior comes out. Just my opinion. The guy is into the girl. There is no question there. I don't believe they have actually slept together yet from what I've read but give him the chance and he will be riding her like... Link to post Share on other sites
Author OnlyJake Posted October 28, 2010 Author Share Posted October 28, 2010 Right, this just popped out of the blue, once. I dont buy that for a minute based on everything you posted. You just wanted to post a thread over an odd instance that happend just once. Got it. Go ahead and think you can change anothers behavior. Good luck. Regardless, my question/problem wasn't about how best to go about changing him. Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 I once had a boyfriend who constantly trash-talked a friend of mine, but soon as she came on to him, he was all over her. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 OP, wading in here to opine, as a male, that BF is disliking more that the friend is engaged and he can't act on his attraction rather than disliking the person herself. To me, that issue is separate from his respect for your R and you personally. The second issue (his lack of respect) is the real red flag in my mind. So, you see how things really are. It's clear. Can you accept it and process your boundaries? Best wishes BTW, he will sweet-talk you. That's what this personality type does. Hot and cold. Rubber band. Snap. Link to post Share on other sites
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