leftfordead2 Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 One of my good friend is having some problems in his relationship and he turned to me for advice. So I'm here, seeking some unbiased opinions here since I don't really have a good impression of his girlfriend. Story: My friend has been with this girl for a few months and everything was going smoothly, that is until....the girl's ex came into the picture. Previously, the girl broke up with her ex because she caught him cheating. Now, the ex is trying very hard to be friends with the girl and keeps in touch with her constantly. This girl believes that the ex just wants to be friends with her and nothing else. She has reassured my friend that they are just friends and that she has no feelings for him anymore. However, recently, the ex got injured somehow (because of the girl) and the girl feels very guilty about it. Thus, the girl took leave from her work and she has been taking care of him in the hospital. My friend thinks this is very unnecessary as there are nurses there etc. to take care of him. He tried telling the girl that it might give the ex the wrong idea and that there are others that can take care of him. The girl said that it was her fault that he got injured and thus, she has a responsibility to care for him. This resulted in them not spending much time together and needless to say, my friend has been very frustrated and does not know what he can do to convince her. He tried visiting the ex at the hospital and when the girl was not around, the ex out rightly told my friend that he wants to win her back and would do anything. My friend, of course, said that she will never get back together with him. When my friend told the girl about it, she said that it is impossible between them and that she is just taking care of him as a friend. And thus, my friend asked me whether he is indeed kicking up a fuss over nothing or is there something suspicious between them. Since I don't have a good impression of the girl, I feel that her actions are a deal breaker but I would like to seek the opinion of the people on LS. Link to post Share on other sites
Titania22 Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 Awkward! It's impossible to really know how the girl feels, but she is obviously being manipulated by her ex. The word 'ultimatum' suggest itself to me. It's risky, because she could just break up with him on the spot. But the incentive is if she sticks with him, the ex is history, and she may secretly be impressed by his assertiveness. On top of that, if gives her a reason not to talk to her ex, that doesn't make her the bad guy. That's the only solution I can think of. It seems a little more productive then just breaking up with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 This would be a dealbreaker for me too. As you said, there are nurses to take care of him so there's no need for her to do it. If she really feels guilty about his injuries being her fault (although I don't see how they can be; he's a big boy who should take responsibility for himself) she could send flowers or candy. She shouldn't be visiting him any more than she would visit any other friend though. It sounds like there's something funny going on between them. The ex is definitely an inappropriate friend for her if he's admitted that he's a threat to her relationship - her boyfriend has every right to insist that she cuts contact with him. I know other people think it's reasonable to stay friends with an ex - after all, you've had a close relationship and have been good friends so it seems unreasonable to completely end it, right? But I disagree - the fact that you've had a close relationship with your ex is what makes it inappropriate to remain friends with them; your "friendship" will always be closer than any other friendship, and it will be inappropriately close if one or both of you has a new partner. Plus there may be lingering feelings on one side or another which wouldn't be there in a normal friendship, and it's easier to cross that line and cheat because you've been with that person before. I have had trouble in the past with exes hanging around - exes acting inappropriately, partners cheating with exes, being dumped for exes - so now I refuse to date anyone whose ex is still in their life. Their relationship with their ex has to be 100% over (i.e. not seeing them any more, even as friends) before they can fully engage in a relationship with me; if their ex is still lingering I'm obviously wasting my time trying to have a relationship with that person. Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted October 14, 2010 Share Posted October 14, 2010 It's a little difficult to comment on how unreasonable it is without knowing to what extent she actually is responsible for his condition, and how serious it is. I mean, if she crashed a car while he was in it with her, and left him in critical condition and hospital-bound for months then it's kind of understandable. If you could see her doing the same for a close friend of the same sex in the same situation, that is. I don't think saying it is 'unreasonable' or 'laying down the law' will get you anywhere here. Even if she complies, you're giving the impression of being controlling and a reason for her to feel resentful towards you, which ironically could push her towards someone else (like this guy). A better bet might be to point out that despite her only wanting to be friends, he clearly wants more from her. For her to spend so much time with him and give him hope is a cruel torture. Reframe this situation to show that her spending time with the guys is really bad for HIM, and you might get somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leftfordead2 Posted October 14, 2010 Author Share Posted October 14, 2010 Fractured leg, from what I heard. As for how she caused it, even my friend doesn't know. Link to post Share on other sites
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