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Infatuation: Why does it happen and how do you kill it?


somedude81

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From when I first became interested in girls at 13, to my current old age of 29, I've been a victim to semi-frequent infatuations or crushes as they are sometimes called.

 

Never do I plan to like a certain girl, and even though I wish it to not happen, I still end up getting stuck on one girl out of the many.

 

Frankly I'm annoyed that at my age I still experience these stupid crushes. The fact that all of the infatuations over the years have been unrequited makes it even more retarded.

 

I wish I could just harden my heart so I don't develop feelings for somebody until I want them to happen.

 

What is the cause of these stupid feelings? How come my body hasn't figured out that really liking someone, only brings me pain and sadness?

 

So far the only way I've been able to get over somebody is to just stop being around them. Is there any other way to do it? I know that focusing on a different girl, overrides the feelings of the first. The problem comes when I basically become blind to other girls and only focus on the one I want.

 

I should just probably become a monk so I won't be around women at all. That way I could be at peace.

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What is the cause of these stupid feelings? How come my body hasn't figured out that really liking someone, only brings me pain and sadness?

 

If you had mastered that you would be an Alpha male. Is that what you want? The ability to just bang anything that moves and not care about them. Be careful what you wish for.

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I also have a problem with this. While a certain amount of it might be because the person IS just that awesome I think it might also serve as a subconcious protection mechanism to keep the vulnerability of an actual reciprocal relationship at bay.

 

I know it's hard sometimes, but in some sense being able to feel strongly for others can be a type of gift - IF you find someone who'll give it back to you.

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TouchedByViolet

If the girl is single just go hit on her. Don't worry if things don't work out you will get over your crush more quickly when you get rejected instead of just thinking about her. There is always the off chance that things may even work out and how awesome would that be!

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]That’s a good question, probably one of the better ones I’ve seen on here. Most people confuse infatuation with love and the two are almost polar opposites - one being very selfish and the other selfless, within reason. Believe me from experience and I am now 40 years old, it does wear off as you get older. Have to say though was recently infatuated with a girl before she went on extended holidays overseas. But they are much less frequent and much easier controlled as you get older. Good luck with it, the biggest step is first is realising what infatuation is, instead of being tossed to and thro with the whims of infatuation mistakenly understood as love (y’know like “I loved him / her so much for 3 whole weeks and now I’m bored and don’t love him anymore”), you'll be able to learn how to grow into meaningful long-term relationships.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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If you had mastered that you would be an Alpha male. Is that what you want? The ability to just bang anything that moves and not care about them. Be careful what you wish for.

Not exactly what I'm talking about.

 

Right now I'm sick of getting crushes on girls I have little chance with. Usually they are friends or people I see regularly. What I want to do, is be attracted to a girl, have the desire to ask her out, but don't think about her 24/7 until we are actually dating.

 

There really is no point in having strong feelings for somebody one is not with.

 

I also have a problem with this. While a certain amount of it might be because the person IS just that awesome

When I was much younger, it was strictly based on looks. I kept getting crushes on girls I never talked to. Thankfully I've moved beyond that phase and not it only happens with people that I think are truly awesome. It's the rare mix of person who is attractive to oneself and has a killer personality you just click with.

 

I think it might also serve as a subconcious protection mechanism to keep the vulnerability of an actual reciprocal relationship at bay.

Interesting theory. Though I don't really understand it. The current girl I'm into now, I would love to have her has my girlfriend and have her meet my family. I feel like she's the perfect one for me right now.

I know it's hard sometimes, but in some sense being able to feel strongly for others can be a type of gift - IF you find someone who'll give it back to you.

And that's a big IF. It makes perfect sense to feel strongly for somebody, when they return those feelings. But if that person is neutral or worse, then it's just an exercise in frustration.

 

If the girl is single just go hit on her. Don't worry if things don't work out you will get over your crush more quickly when you get rejected instead of just thinking about her. There is always the off chance that things may even work out and how awesome would that be!

Oh I am hitting on her. Though I think she's a little clueless on what my intentions are. Months ago I hung out with her a lot and did tell her that I liked her. She didn't want anything so we stopped talking over summer break. Now she popped up in my life again and I've been trying to resume where I left off.

 

Unfortunately I don't know if she knows that I still like her. If she does know, then it's a sign that I might have a chance, since she hasn't reacted negatively to me being around her trying to make plans. If she doesn't know I'm into her, then she may think I just want to be friends :sick:

 

That’s a good question, probably one of the better ones I’ve seen on here. Most people confuse infatuation with love and the two are almost polar opposites - one being very selfish and the other selfless, within reason.

Personally, I don't believe in love. I never never been close enough to somebody to experience love for them. It's also impossible to love somebody who doesn't even like you as more than a friend.

Believe me from experience and I am now 40 years old, it does wear off as you get older. Have to say though was recently infatuated with a girl before she went on extended holidays overseas. But they are much less frequent and much easier controlled as you get older. Good luck with it, the biggest step is first is realising what infatuation is, instead of being tossed to and thro with the whims of infatuation mistakenly understood as love (y’know like “I loved him / her so much for 3 whole weeks and now I’m bored and don’t love him anymore”), you'll be able to learn how to grow into meaningful long-term relationships.

How do you control it? I understand fully that it is just infatuation and not love.

 

BTW, I once dated a girl who said she loved me after two weeks. I thought it was a big steaming pile of bull crap. She had the nerve to get mad at me when I didn't return the comment. I wasn't going to lie to her.

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Not exactly what I'm talking about.

 

Right now I'm sick of getting crushes on girls I have little chance with. Usually they are friends or people I see regularly. What I want to do, is be attracted to a girl, have the desire to ask her out, but don't think about her 24/7 until we are actually dating.

 

There really is no point in having strong feelings for somebody one is not with.

 

It sounds to me like you need to do other things to keep your mind busy, and talk to lots of girls and not just one.

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The best way to control the infatuation, well there is no straightforward remedy as such but as I’ve gotten older I’ve noticed that there is less of a pull on your emotions and thinking which helps with reducing the infatuated feelings. Perhaps this can be learnt at a younger age and I wish I had myself. What you will find is that you simply stop fantasizing and entertaining thoughts in your mind that are not true. You think of the woman and imagine yourself with her, looking at her beautiful face et al, and when you see her you almost swoon! It begins and ends in the mind, you need to stop the imaginary thinking. Having said that it can still happen, like me recently and that is because this cute chick who I was working with was flirting with me and I got a bit swept away with that lol. Also as pointed out above, keeping yourself engaged in other life activities can help take your mind off it a bit as well but in the end you have to decide to quit with the fantasizing.

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Feelin Frisky

No way would I want to "kill it". Whether infatuations are requited or not, it's always good to have those special realizations that someone in your world makes your heart go pidder-pad. It's life-changing every time it happens and I think it a wonderous gift.

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GardenFlower

I am feeling this way now. I wish i could avoid this person more but he sits right behind me in class and we have a semester long project to do together.

 

I didnt have any feeling for him at first but i slowly started to after a month had passed. now I get butterflies when we talk.

 

Like you said the most annoying part is that it doesnt make sense. In my situation the person is slightly cold and distant,doesn't look like what I would typically go for, and ignores me alot yet I have become smitten. Basically all of the signs that they arent into me AT ALL. It makes me feel like a dumbass.

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The best way to get rid of infatuation is to really get to know the person you're infatuated with. And once you start to see their flaws one of two things will happen. The infatuation will die and you won't like them anymore, or the infatuation will give way to admiration, respect, and genuine love for who they are as a person.

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Oh no, I wouldn't want those crush feelings go away. In fact I'm wondering what is wrong with me since i don't seem to like any guy even remotely lately. I got over my last crush almost a year ago and it was the strongest I ever had. Totally felt like a drug.

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callingyouuu
The best way to get rid of infatuation is to really get to know the person you're infatuated with. And once you start to see their flaws one of two things will happen. The infatuation will die and you won't like them anymore, or the infatuation will give way to admiration, respect, and genuine love for who they are as a person.

 

I completely agree. Really, the best way is the counterintuitive way. When I get infatuated with someone, I instinctively think not to talk to them because I'm afraid of getting rejected, and seeing them over and over without getting to really know their flaws just reinforces that feeling until I've put them on a pedestal. The pedestal is really the point of no return.

 

The crushes don't bother me so much, so I let them come at me and don't do anything about it, but I can see why they can become bothersome. The next time you feel an infatuation coming on, just go talk to her. When you see that she's (probably) not the perfect angel you've made her out to be, you'll be much more comfortable around her.

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No way would I want to "kill it". Whether infatuations are requited or not, it's always good to have those special realizations that someone in your world makes your heart go pidder-pad. It's life-changing every time it happens and I think it a wonderous gift.

 

Agree with this. Infatuation is wonderful, just enjoy it.

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Feelin Frisky
Agree with this. Infatuation is wonderful, just enjoy it.

 

It only works against one when say, you have to see her every day and she starts appearing with hickies or pregnant. Then it's uggg. But for what it was, it was better than not feeling that pseudo love-sickness during that period of life.

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I'm regularly keeping tabs on this thread.

 

One thing I can't get over is people saying that infatuation is a good thing. It seems those people have never had an unrequited "love."

 

The best way to get rid of infatuation is to really get to know the person you're infatuated with. And once you start to see their flaws one of two things will happen. The infatuation will die and you won't like them anymore, or the infatuation will give way to admiration, respect, and genuine love for who they are as a person.

Sadly I've never had infatuation go away by getting to know somebody better. That only made the feeling stronger. As for falling in love, that's the last thing I want. At least not until they have some feelings for me.

I completely agree. Really, the best way is the counterintuitive way. When I get infatuated with someone, I instinctively think not to talk to them because I'm afraid of getting rejected, and seeing them over and over without getting to really know their flaws just reinforces that feeling until I've put them on a pedestal. The pedestal is really the point of no return.

 

The crushes don't bother me so much, so I let them come at me and don't do anything about it, but I can see why they can become bothersome. The next time you feel an infatuation coming on, just go talk to her. When you see that she's (probably) not the perfect angel you've made her out to be, you'll be much more comfortable around her.

The past few girls I've been infatuated with, I've been super comfortable around them. Heck I want to be around her whenever possible. Sometimes I force myself to play it cool and occasionally ignore her so she doesn't think I'm needy.

 

One thing though, is that my feelings are too strong. As soon as I got home on Thursday, I "realized" that I'm going to have a terrible weekend and that there is nothing I want to do and that Monday can't come soon enough so I can see her again. Those thoughts make me sick.

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I'm regularly keeping tabs on this thread.

 

One thing I can't get over is people saying that infatuation is a good thing. It seems those people have never had an unrequited "love."

 

 

Sadly I've never had infatuation go away by getting to know somebody better. That only made the feeling stronger. As for falling in love, that's the last thing I want. At least not until they have some feelings for me.

 

The past few girls I've been infatuated with, I've been super comfortable around them. Heck I want to be around her whenever possible. Sometimes I force myself to play it cool and occasionally ignore her so she doesn't think I'm needy.

 

One thing though, is that my feelings are too strong. As soon as I got home on Thursday, I "realized" that I'm going to have a terrible weekend and that there is nothing I want to do and that Monday can't come soon enough so I can see her again. Those thoughts make me sick.

 

I agree with you.

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Ruby Slippers

Crushes can give you this great rush of energy, if you use them for what they are and don't get obsessive and negative about it.

 

I VERY rarely have a crush, but when I do, I use that sexy feeling as motivation to prepare myself for the arrival of someone fabulous. If it's my crush, awesome. If it's someone else or no one, fine. He inspired some delicious thoughts and reminded me that I am alive.

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I used have those feelings all thee time but have now grown out of it. I have to be at least dating a person for me to have a strong crush. (I am 31 BTW and it was happening since 14)

 

BUT.. I found the best way to not feel that way is to clearly state your interest. Ask the girl out, be obvious about it. When someone rejects me, that kills my interest pretty quickly. The only problem is that I had lots of guys that just strung me along without a clear yes or no. Nowdays if it's not a clear YES, it's a "no" and I take that they have rejected me and put it behind me. You really get attached to someone when you let them dominate your thoughts AND when you have some hope of getting together someday. You need to kill that hope.

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Somedude81, man, can I relate. Since junior high, I've been having unrequited crushes and infatuations. Most recently, I developed a huge crush on a good friend. She said she's not ready to date. For a week thereafter, we still talked every day as normal. But now she's not online much anymore, and our contact comes through the odd text and email here and there (albeit the emails are lengthy and decently in-depth... I guess she still sees me as a friend she'd like to keep, but giving me some space so I can cool down my jets, so to speak). You know sometimes I wonder what if I never confessed, but in the end I always remind myself everything happens for a reason.

 

I fall for girls easily. That's always been my "problem." I think I've had over 20 crushes in my life easily, EASILY, and I'm not even 30 yet.

 

I also recover pretty fast too, though, once the girl is unavailable or tells me no. I'm pretty resilient in that regard.

 

Wish you the best. I know where you are at all too well I'm afraid.

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Somedude81, man, can I relate. Since junior high, I've been having unrequited crushes and infatuations. Most recently, I developed a huge crush on a good friend. She said she's not ready to date. For a week thereafter, we still talked every day as normal. But now she's not online much anymore, and our contact comes through the odd text and email here and there (albeit the emails are lengthy and decently in-depth... I guess she still sees me as a friend she'd like to keep, but giving me some space so I can cool down my jets, so to speak). You know sometimes I wonder what if I never confessed, but in the end I always remind myself everything happens for a reason.

 

I fall for girls easily. That's always been my "problem." I think I've had over 20 crushes in my life easily, EASILY, and I'm not even 30 yet.

 

I also recover pretty fast too, though, once the girl is unavailable or tells me no. I'm pretty resilient in that regard.

 

Wish you the best. I know where you are at all too well I'm afraid.

 

This is where you are gonig wrong. You can't be e-mailing and chatting to someone that rejected you. You are still hoping that something might happen one day and that hope will keep you holding on. If you don't enjoy dealing with unrequited feelings, you need to confess, block (IM, e-mail etc) and move on. You can't be friends with someone that you have romantic feelings for, at least not until a loooong time has passed and you have 100% moved on.

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I'm regularly keeping tabs on this thread.

 

One thing I can't get over is people saying that infatuation is a good thing. It seems those people have never had an unrequited "love."

 

This made me laugh out loud. I've experienced unrequited love more times than I can remember. It's about how you frame it and what you want that experience to be in your life. I'm not saying it's always easy (life never is), I've been through lots of heart break and crying, but I wouldn't want to wish away any single infatuation. There are cases where I would have changed how I reacted to them.

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Crushes can give you this great rush of energy, if you use them for what they are and don't get obsessive and negative about it.

That's a very strong IF. Unfortuantely due to my negative past experiences with crushes, I have a tendency to become obsessive and very negative. At the end of class Thursday, I got pretty upset because the girl in question didn't wait for me to pack my bag so we could walk together for a few minutes like we normally do. Then when she didn't reply to a text where I asked her what she was up to, I thought she was avoiding me, even though her phone was just on silent and I actually missed her reply she sent me 20 min later.

 

So if I could figure out how to stop obsessing and being negative, I wouldn't dread crushes so much.

 

 

I VERY rarely have a crush, but when I do, I use that sexy feeling as motivation to prepare myself for the arrival of someone fabulous. If it's my crush, awesome. If it's someone else or no one, fine. He inspired some delicious thoughts and reminded me that I am alive.

That's a good way of looking at it.

I used have those feelings all thee time but have now grown out of it. I have to be at least dating a person for me to have a strong crush. (I am 31 BTW and it was happening since 14)

I really wish I would have grown out of it by now. I'm 29 and it just seems stupid and pointless to have these feelings. I wish dating was a prerequisite for getting a crush.

BUT.. I found the best way to not feel that way is to clearly state your interest. Ask the girl out, be obvious about it. When someone rejects me, that kills my interest pretty quickly. The only problem is that I had lots of guys that just strung me along without a clear yes or no. Nowdays if it's not a clear YES, it's a "no" and I take that they have rejected me and put it behind me. You really get attached to someone when you let them dominate your thoughts AND when you have some hope of getting together someday. You need to kill that hope.

Asking somebody out in an obvious way is very scary thing to do. First is the fear of rejection which is a blow to my already fragile ego. Then there is the fear of loss. If I get a solid rejection there is the chance that I will no longer be able to talk to her. Losing that "friendship" is a scary thought. Then there is also a fear of losing the potential of going out with her.

 

I guess the question becomes what counts as an obvious way of asking somebody out? Here's an example. Even though she's 21 she still lives in the dorms where she has her own room, I have my own apartment. Her parents live about 30 min away. She gets a ride home every week from a friend. Last Thursday, I told her to stay an extra night in the dorms so we could hang out on Friday. She said sorry, that she has to write two papers that are due next week. But she brought up getting together for an hour or so on Monday between classes.

 

Was I obvious with my intent? Did I get a rejection?

 

Unfortunately I just can't say, "I like you, go out with me."

Somedude81, man, can I relate. Since junior high, I've been having unrequited crushes and infatuations. Most recently, I developed a huge crush on a good friend. She said she's not ready to date. For a week thereafter, we still talked every day as normal. But now she's not online much anymore, and our contact comes through the odd text and email here and there (albeit the emails are lengthy and decently in-depth... I guess she still sees me as a friend she'd like to keep, but giving me some space so I can cool down my jets, so to speak). You know sometimes I wonder what if I never confessed, but in the end I always remind myself everything happens for a reason.

 

I fall for girls easily. That's always been my "problem." I think I've had over 20 crushes in my life easily, EASILY, and I'm not even 30 yet.

 

I also recover pretty fast too, though, once the girl is unavailable or tells me no. I'm pretty resilient in that regard.

 

Wish you the best. I know where you are at all too well I'm afraid.

Confession is a scary thing. I've found that it usually ends poorly.

 

And man, 20 crushes?! Yup I can relate, I counted 16. I still remember their first and last name (if I learned their last name) and some basic details on what they looked like.

This made me laugh out loud. I've experienced unrequited love more times than I can remember. It's about how you frame it and what you want that experience to be in your life. I'm not saying it's always easy (life never is), I've been through lots of heart break and crying, but I wouldn't want to wish away any single infatuation. There are cases where I would have changed how I reacted to them.

I don't understand how after going through heartbreak and crying you'd be OK with unrequited love. I often wish I could erase some of those negative memories.

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Feelin Frisky
Crushes can give you this great rush of energy, if you use them for what they are and don't get obsessive and negative about it.

 

I VERY rarely have a crush, but when I do, I use that sexy feeling as motivation to prepare myself for the arrival of someone fabulous. If it's my crush, awesome. If it's someone else or no one, fine. He inspired some delicious thoughts and reminded me that I am alive.

 

Precisely. And to OP, I love crushes and HAVE HAD MANY UNREQUITED. The simple question is isn't live richer when you think you love someone even if they don't love you back? I'd much rather that than just proceesing air. Channel it positively and it can make you a better person more prepared for any unanticipated love interests who might be different and actually see you as someone they just have to get to know. Works for me.

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