Dealbreakers

[SassyKitten]

This can include things that have always been dealbreakers, as well as things that have become dealbreakers in light of things you have learned from previous relationships. As for me, to start with anyway:

 

*Drug use beyond the occasional toke at a party.

*Refusal to contact or see me every day.

*Subscribing to any conservative political philosophy.

*Being an active member of any organized religion.

*Being over 40.

*Trying to get physical with me before we've established exclusivity.

*Not being completely over any ex.

*Attempting to change who I am as a person or telling me what to do.

*A habit that involves watching TV or playing video games for large parts of the day.

*Not being interested in travelling.

*Refusal to listen/refusal to attempt to make me feel better when I'm having a bad day.

*Large tattoos.

*As I'm 5'10", I have a hard time being physically attracted to anyone under 6 feet.

[Untouchable_Fire]

This can include things that have always been dealbreakers, as well as things that have become dealbreakers in light of things you have learned from previous relationships. As for me, to start with anyway:

*Drug use beyond the occasional toke at a party.

*Refusal to contact or see me every day.

*Subscribing to any conservative political philosophy.

*Being an active member of any organized religion.

*Being over 40.

*Trying to get physical with me before we've established exclusivity.

*Not being completely over any ex.

*Attempting to change who I am as a person or telling me what to do.

*A habit that involves watching TV or playing video games for large parts of the day.

*Not being interested in travelling.

*Refusal to listen/refusal to attempt to make me feel better when I'm having a bad day.

*Large tattoos.

*As I'm 5'10", I have a hard time being physically attracted to anyone under 6 feet.

 

I don't disagree with anything here... but why do you need to make a list? I don't understand how having these dealbreakers is going to help you? I think its more likely to push you into making bad choices.

[zengirl]

I don't disagree with anything here... but why do you need to make a list? I don't understand how having these dealbreakers is going to help you? I think its more likely to push you into making bad choices.

 

Surprisingly, we agree.

 

Here's what my list would look like, SassyKitten:

 

--Severely lacking in emotional health.

--Not attractive.

--Not compatible.

 

Getting all fine-toothed comb about it doesn't work out. Especially about the things you DON'T like.

[SassyKitten]

Unfortunately I've been a pushover on some of these things way too many times, just trying to turn over a new leaf here. I figure it's good to be mindful of these things before allowing oneself to get emotionally attached.

[Shakz]

This can include things that have always been dealbreakers, as well as things that have become dealbreakers in light of things you have learned from previous relationships. As for me, to start with anyway:

 

*Drug use beyond the occasional toke at a party.

*Refusal to contact or see me every day.

*Subscribing to any conservative political philosophy.

*Being an active member of any organized religion.

*Being over 40.

*Trying to get physical with me before we've established exclusivity.

*Not being completely over any ex.

*Attempting to change who I am as a person or telling me what to do.

*A habit that involves watching TV or playing video games for large parts of the day.

*Not being interested in travelling.

*Refusal to listen/refusal to attempt to make me feel better when I'm having a bad day.

*Large tattoos.

*As I'm 5'10", I have a hard time being physically attracted to anyone under 6 feet.

 

Hahaha! I flunk big time! Smoke weed daily, once a week is plenty, economic conservative, Catholic, 48, socially liberal, never get over past relationships completely, dominating, sit on the computer, stay at home, and self-centered! At least I'm tall and tattoo free. Something to build a relationship on!

[xpaperxcutx]

Hahaha! I flunk big time! Smoke weed daily, once a week is plenty, economic conservative, Catholic, 48, socially liberal, never get over past relationships completely, dominating, sit on the computer, stay at home, and self-centered! At least I'm tall and tattoo free. Something to build a relationship on!

 

Oh skakz, let's keep your self-description amongst us LShackers, shall we?

[SassyKitten]

I pass every one of these.

 

Here are some of mine off the top of my head.

 

1) Unreliable

2) Has poor financial habits

3) Inability to have platonic friends of both genders

4) Inability or refusal to have intelligent conversations

5) Treats others poorly

6) Heavy drinker

 

Those are some good ones to add to my mental checklist.

[xpaperxcutx]

My list-

 

• no creepy, weird old guys
  
• must have an education
  
• no self-absorbed narcissist
  
• must be ambitious
  
• have a job or be financially independent
  
• health conscience ( gym rat - this is actually personal preference)
  
• no emotional problems or hidden mental health ( my ex was bipolar, way too dramatic for me to handle)
  

[Shakz]

Oh skakz, let's keep your self-description amongst us LShackers, shall we?

 

So, how you doin?

[Feelin Frisky]

- Smokes

- Is judgemental never thinking that there's two sides to every coin

- Likes professional wrestling and can't tell empty spectacle from substantial arts, sports etc

- Is republican, right wing, conservative or doesn't even know what the political divide is. Sides with the angry short-sighted over-simplifiers.

- Is co-dependent and has to be reassured constantly.

- Is superstitious and/or religious--buying wholesale into all manner of hand-me-down figments of faith-lore.

- Is dominant.

- Is inconsistent and impossible to know for sure.

- Has narrow hips and is not wholly feminine.

- Digs having god damn animals. I revile cats, dogs, ferrets, w/e in close proximity to my space.

- Doesn't understand sex. Doesn't take charge of getting orgasms and lays back expecting me to give what is not mine to give.

- Must give head and take cues as to what to do and what not to do.

- Must give cues about getting head if she has desires I'm not fulfilling

- Has interest in nutrition and longevity and is not an impulsive pleasure food seeker.

- Has own interests that creates healthy space between us rather than having me as her only intererest. I have too much invested in my creative ambitions to drop it all and become a "server" to some neurotic female.

- a few dozen more. Did I mention must not smoke?

[tigressA]

Surprisingly, we agree.

 

Here's what my list would look like, SassyKitten:

 

--Severely lacking in emotional health.

--Not attractive.

--Not compatible.

 

This is mine too, generally. I am a big fan of one thing on SassyKitten's list: Attempting to change me/telling me what to do.

 

The guy I was seeing--I kicked him to the curb--told me that loving/accepting someone for who they are, flaws and all, is nothing but a fairytale. When I heard that I should've booted him then and there, but no. Better late than never, though.

[zengirl]

This is mine too, generally. I am a big fan of one thing on SassyKitten's list: Attempting to change me/telling me what to do.

 

The guy I was seeing--I kicked him to the curb--told me that loving/accepting someone for who they are, flaws and all, is nothing but a fairytale. When I heard that I should've booted him then and there, but no. Better late than never, though.

 

Well, yeah, I don't put up for that either, but I chalk that up to either a lack of compatibility or (if they dig being incompatible with me and trying to change me) emotional health.

 

Really, most red flags can be avoided altogether if you prioritize emotional health in yourself and the people around you.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Surprisingly, we agree.

Here's what my list would look like, SassyKitten:

--Severely lacking in emotional health.

--Not attractive.

--Not compatible.

Getting all fine-toothed comb about it doesn't work out. Especially about the things you DON'T like.

 

Your surprised? I'm very offended.

 

I think this is exactly right, and SassyKitten you should pay some serious attention to it.

 

Unfortunately I've been a pushover on some of these things way too many times, just trying to turn over a new leaf here. I figure it's good to be mindful of these things before allowing oneself to get emotionally attached.

 

When you focus on looking for traits in a guy that match a list... whether it be positive or negative... you miss everything else.

 

You need to actually look at the person as a whole, how he lives, what he believes, how he acts, what his interests are... ect. You may find incompatibilities and deal-breakers you've never seen before. You may also find wonderful new traits.

 

As far as not getting emotionally attached. Don't sleep with the guy until you have a really good sense of him... and don't come across as crazy. Needy is Ok to a certain degree, but I think you may have the propensity to come across as fatal attraction style needy.

 

Turning over a new leaf is great... just make sure it's a healthy leaf... not one thats been all chewed up.

[Shakz]

I really don't have any deal-breakers. I'm a pretty easy going person and can overlook alot so long as she's sweet, bright, and fun-loving. However, there are things I would prefer not to see in a woman:

 

Emotional immaturity.

Conversational impairment.

Unhealthy physique.

Overwhelming financial debt.

Externalization of self.

Lack of self-confidence.

 

Of course, we all suffer from these things to a certain degree, but damn!

[SassyKitten]

Tigress - Sorry to hear that, and any guy who does say something like that deserves the boot. My last boyfriend kept saying that if we're meant to be things will work out perfectly, as did one particular ex before him, and this makes me need to work so badly on my emotional health so that I'm not attached to those who don't deserve it and kick them to the curb before they do the same to me.

 

Zengirl - Well said.

 

Frisky - Consistancy is one of the things I look for. And inconsistancy was the huge thing that killed my last relationship.

[tigressA]

Tigress - Sorry to hear that, and any guy who does say something like that deserves the boot. My last boyfriend kept saying that if we're meant to be things will work out perfectly, as did one particular ex before him, and this makes me need to work so badly on my emotional health so that I'm not attached to those who don't deserve it and kick them to the curb before they do the same to me.

 

My goodness, this guy said the exact same thing to me that your last BF did. Ugh. I hate that crap; it's so trite and naive. All relationships take work. It's not going to be perfect all the time!

[SassyKitten]

My goodness, this guy said the exact same thing to me that your last BF did. Ugh. I hate that crap; it's so trite and naive. All relationships take work. It's not going to be perfect all the time!

 

Exactly! Romance films have warped way too many peoples' view of how relationships are supposed to work out. And every old person who I've ever talked to who is happily married to the same person they've been with since their youth has told me that it takes work.

 

Untouchable - I know different people have different needs, and when it comes to dating I'm a firm believer in treat others as you wish to be treated. I'm not someone who needs more than just very occasional personal space. Whatever man I'm with is my best friend, and I spend lots of time with him not because I'm trying to keep him on a leash but because I enjoy his company! But then the trick is finding someone on the same wavelength as myself, and also who is willing to see their partner as an individual instead of "a woman".

[tigressA]

Exactly! Romance films have warped way too many peoples' view of how relationships are supposed to work out. And every old person who I've ever talked to who is happily married to the same person they've been with since their youth has told me that it takes work.

 

Oh goodness, don't even get me started on the films...this guy wasn't raised on Hollywood films, but Bollywood (Indian) films, and those are even cheesier than typical American romance movies.

 

I've been told the exact same thing: It takes work. Unfortunately some people automatically correlate "work" with "arguing all the time" and such, when it's not that way at all.

[SassyKitten]

Oh goodness, don't even get me started on the films...this guy wasn't raised on Hollywood films, but Bollywood (Indian) films, and those are even cheesier than typical American romance movies.

 

I've been told the exact same thing: It takes work. Unfortunately some people automatically correlate "work" with "arguing all the time" and such, when it's not that way at all.

 

It's not. To me, one of the important things that "work" involves is nipping things in the bud before they become a full-blown emotional argument.

 

But then when I take this "nipping it in the bud" approach, I get accused of being a "nag".

[zengirl]

It's not. To me, one of the important things that "work" involves is nipping things in the bud before they become a full-blown emotional argument.

 

But then when I take this "nipping it in the bud" approach, I get accused of being a "nag".

 

Do you use "I" statements sincerely?

 

You can't ever try to change other people's behavior. Really. You can only express your sincere hope and desire that they change and focus on the good.

 

Ever read any of the Dale Carnegie books. If you have any issues with people, I suggest it. I mean, they're mainly for sales, so don't take it all quite so literally with interpersonal relationships, but "How To Make Friends and Influence People" is a great book to show you how to influence a situation without being controlling. I think it's a little too manipulative personally, but a good stepping stone.

 

I use a lot of the techniques in teaching. Less in dealing with dates/friends, but some. It makes some great points.

[SassyKitten]

Do you use "I" statements sincerely?

 

You can't ever try to change other people's behavior. Really. You can only express your sincere hope and desire that they change and focus on the good.

 

Ever read any of the Dale Carnegie books. If you have any issues with people, I suggest it. I mean, they're mainly for sales, so don't take it all quite so literally with interpersonal relationships, but "How To Make Friends and Influence People" is a great book to show you how to influence a situation without being controlling. I think it's a little too manipulative personally, but a good stepping stone.

 

I use a lot of the techniques in teaching. Less in dealing with dates/friends, but some. It makes some great points.

 

I use "I" statements frequently, as well as "this makes me feel" statements. But then nothing can change a person, unfortunately.

[Shakz]

I use "I" statements frequently, as well as "this makes me feel" statements. But then nothing can change a person, unfortunately.

 

I would disagree somewhat. People change constantly. I am not the man I was 20 years ago, or even two years ago. The issue is that you cannot determine by your actions what direction that change will take nor can you account for the changes the attempt will cause in yourself.

[Pyro]

-heavy smoker

-her conversations are dominated by the words "like" "umm" and "whatever"

-resorts to name calling and degrading when we argue

-watches pretty much nothing except reality shows

-cheater

-believes that she is always correct

-never likes to try anything new

Edited August 2, 2010 by Pyro

[Untouchable_Fire]

Tigress - Sorry to hear that, and any guy who does say something like that deserves the boot. My last boyfriend kept saying that if we're meant to be things will work out perfectly, as did one particular ex before him, and this makes me need to work so badly on my emotional health so that I'm not attached to those who don't deserve it and kick them to the curb before they do the same to me.

 

Having the attitude of I'm going to get him before he gets me... is a defense mechanism that will kill any hopes you may have of a healthy relationship.

 

Exactly! Romance films have warped way too many peoples' view of how relationships are supposed to work out. And every old person who I've ever talked to who is happily married to the same person they've been with since their youth has told me that it takes work.

Untouchable - I know different people have different needs, and when it comes to dating I'm a firm believer in treat others as you wish to be treated. I'm not someone who needs more than just very occasional personal space. Whatever man I'm with is my best friend, and I spend lots of time with him not because I'm trying to keep him on a leash but because I enjoy his company! But then the trick is finding someone on the same wavelength as myself, and also who is willing to see their partner as an individual instead of "a woman".

 

I know your not trying to keep your guy on a leash. You have that desire for intimacy so bad that it should be somewhat offputting to healthy guys.

 

I've never said this to you before, but have you ever considered some type of therapy? I get the feeling you have some emotional issues that will make ANY type of healthy relationship impossible.

 

We all have our problems... and I've been struggling through this last relationship failure... I've actually been thinking about using some therapy myself.

 

It's not. To me, one of the important things that "work" involves is nipping things in the bud before they become a full-blown emotional argument.

But then when I take this "nipping it in the bud" approach, I get accused of being a "nag".

 

That is all about how you approach the topic.

[kalikula]

I don't think it's bad to have a list as I used to glaze over things that I really shouldn't have, and "settled" for guys I dated because I'm too much of a romantic, I think.

 

- No job/degree or lack of motivation.. Temporary or circumstantial unemployment is ok, but theres a limit...

- Wants ME to drive everywhere

- Talks about himself too much and doesn't seem to pay attention to me while I'm talking... or never laughs at my humor, only his own...

- Very cheap (ie never wants to do anything fun if it'll cost money)

- Unreliable, doesn't call or text when he says he will

- Pretentious, brags and exaggerates everything he talks about

- Doesn't want kids (?? I'm undecided if this is a dealbreaker since I'm only 21 and not likely to get married or have kids for 5 or 6 more years at least)