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Whats more common, dating multiple people or one at a time?


rtf0007

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About a year ago my wife left me and the divorce was final about 4 mths ago (10 yr marriage, 13 year relationship). I started going out with people but more as just friends than a real date. I met someone about 4 months ago and we have been just friends. About a month we have been spending more time together and others see this as "seeing" each other. She confronted me first about her feelings for me. I do have feelings for her (confused as hell though) but at the same time Im afraid to be intimate with her because it would be the "next" step in our relationship. Not that I have a problem being monogamous in a relationship, just that my guard is up after being hurt by my ex. I also have fear of possibly hurting her if things dont work out. Ive never dated multiple people at the same time nor do I feel comfortable about it. Since ive been out of the dating game for 13-14 years, what is more common to do, date multiple or a single person at a time? I have some people telling me I should date multiple people, explore, see whats out there. Others feel the opposite.

Edited by rtf0007
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You are clearly not ready to date since you admit to still dealing with the hurt of your divorce. Please do this woman and all women a favor and just focus on healing your pain. You have to go through the grieving process instead of taking on a pain killer/void filler (I.e. these women you can't give what they deserve, which is a healthy relationship) that is not really helping you at all and getting their emotions all tied up.

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I think in general, seeing just one person is more common. However, it isn't uncommon for someone to go on lots of first and even second dates, especially if they are online dating.

 

It really sounds like what you need is to not date for awhile. You don't seem ready.

 

I think you should explain this to the woman who is interested- that you're not ready now and take some time to get some perspective.

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You are clearly not ready to date since you admit to still dealing with the hurt of your divorce. Please do this woman and all women a favor and just focus on healing your pain. You have to go through the grieving process instead of taking on a pain killer/void filler (I.e. these women you can't give what they deserve, which is a healthy relationship) that is not really helping you at all and getting their emotions all tied up.

 

When is a person really "ready"? Ive become a better person through this ordeal, made many new friends, have a great active/social life, and im the healthiest ive been in years. In many ways, my life is better than it was when I was married. This new friend, Ive connected with her and feel very comfortable talking to her about things I haven't told to anyone except those closest to me. She has some of the traits/values/beliefs I want in my next relationship, things that my ex never had. She knows my situation, I haven't kept anything from her. She even knows that Ive been looking for a new job out of state, to make a fresh start. Neither one of us is tied down.

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You are ready when you're not scared of being hurt. Of course you'll remember what happened between you and your ex, but that shouldn't make you hesitate when you find someone you like. If you are wary about it, then you're not ready.

 

You're doing great with your social life and it seems as though you are moving forward. But, it does seem you're not quite ready. This girl may be great for you but you should only get more intimate with her when you have completely healed. There's no need to jump into this... just ease into it.

 

I wouldn't multi-date. I could never do it myself. I mean, I could have multiple first dates and then choose the girl I like most but that's as far as I'll go. It's hard to get to know one person when you're thinking about others as well.

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For me I knew I was "ready" when I was willing to let my guard down and really be open to being intimate (not just sexual) with a person. However, also being wise and using good judgement when a person was not good for me. Willing to take a chance on being close and letting them know me. I had to learn to trust myself first before I could trust other people. When you're "guarded" its really difficult to get close to someone and take a chance on being hurt and/or vulnerable. Its only been a year and she (xw) was the one that left you which I'm sure was devastating. I know because my xh left me as well. Four months after my divorce I was still in shock that I was divorced. You were also married much longer than I was. Do you have any lingering feelings/hopes re the xw?

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Its only been a year and she (xw) was the one that left you which I'm sure was devastating. I know because my xh left me as well. Four months after my divorce I was still in shock that I was divorced. You were also married much longer than I was. Do you have any lingering feelings/hopes re the xw?

 

No feelings/hopes, that ended in January. I found out she started seeing one of my "friends" plus my head was clearer and I realized she will never be the wife/person I knew before. Ive already started to feel like she did me a favor, we had no kids so that makes things a lot easier.

 

Well, I took the next step tonight, gave her a kiss. We had a talk earlier and I explained my feelings, she understood. I also told her my views on dating, she agreed. I have to say, I feel like a load has been taken off my soldiers. Very refreshing...

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