Jump to content

Why is attracting a girl so counter-intuitive?


vanek26

Recommended Posts

I guess my distorted view of how dating works can be attributed to my lack of social success in High School, and therefore my childish assumptions.

 

A little over a month ago, I met a girl and we hit it off very well right off the bat. We went out together and she was all over me, kissing me on the dance floor and then a few days later we were having sex. Silly me, I assumed that having sex with a girl meant I was obviously acceptable to be in a relationship with, but as I found out it doesn't work that way. Who would have guessed?

 

No, sex is the easy part. But entering into an exclusive relationship is a whole other matter entirely. And so much can go wrong, it really is doing more harm than good as I worry myself sick.

 

So here I am, asking you guys for advice and tips on keeping her interested.

 

The disney-channel method, which I have tried for many years now, obviously doesn't work. Being sweet, complimenting her, being available, being trusting... all of that crap just makes someone boring. The trick seems to be to make myself as distant as possible and pray that she doesn't lose interest entirely.

 

I have tried to stick to my protocol from day 1. 95% of the time, I don't text her first. I never call her. I try to do things with other friends and make it noticeable to her (without being obvious about it). I really try not to get jealous when she's around other guys, though I occasionally stray from this.

 

Here are the facts:

 

For the first two weeks of our friendship, we hung out nearly every day and had sex multiple times a day. She became concerned that we were "based on sex" so we cut it down. Now we only hang out about twice a week.

 

She calls me every night before bed, and commonly refers to me as "babe" in text messages.

 

3 weeks ago we had a heart to heart talk where she confessed that she did really like me, but wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet. (she just got out of a long term one before meeting me). She seemed sure that eventually she would date me...

 

She gets really jealous if i'm talking to other girls.

 

That's all I can think of for now. We have good chemistry, share good conversations, and she's certainly not out of my league looks-wise. The alarming thing to me is that she just doesn't seem like she wants to commit to dating me, and I may be wasting my time.

 

She'll go days without talking to me which will lead me to think 'it's over' and then she'll say something like "i bought a dress today for when we go on a real date." My feelings sway up and down throughout the day.

 

What would you say my next course of action should be? It's my nature to get all mushy on her but I know I have to avoid that. Should I just keep trying to lay off her and hope that she comes around? Any specific strategies? Thanks!

Link to post
Share on other sites

You need to be talking to more girls. Then you wont care and she will see that. When she does see that you don't care, she will come running to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Heres some sage advice "Be yourself."

 

Be the confident version of yourself... You already know what you need to do. It's pretty funny that you assumed having sex with her automaticly met she was now your seriouse gf... Look its a bad sign that she has sex with guys and then doesn't see this as a serious relationship. Means you are not on the same wave length.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A little over a month ago, I met a girl and we hit it off very well right off the bat. We went out together and she was all over me, kissing me on the dance floor and then a few days later we were having sex. Silly me, I assumed that having sex with a girl meant I was obviously acceptable to be in a relationship with, but as I found out it doesn't work that way. Who would have guessed?

 

You met her in a club? Some people (not everyone) go to clubs because they are looking for casual sex, not a relationship.

 

The disney-channel method, which I have tried for many years now, obviously doesn't work. Being sweet, complimenting her, being available, being trusting... all of that crap just makes someone boring. The trick seems to be to make myself as distant as possible and pray that she doesn't lose interest entirely.

Being a good person doesn't make you boring. This is how people in healthy relationships act. But I wonder what we are talking about here. Are we talking about being the guy who really likes a girl, acts like her friend and is all shocked that she isn't sexually interested? Because generally the problem there is that the girl was never going to be interested. However, if we're talking about girls who have actually dated you, not gone on two dates and screwed you, either you are clingy or you are always drawn to crazy/not relationship minded people.

 

The alarming thing to me is that she just doesn't seem like she wants to commit to dating me, and I may be wasting my time.

How long have you known her? It sounds like maybe just a few weeks.

 

While I do think good relationships sometimes come from one night stands, it sounds like every woman you date you sleep with by the second date. That sounds a little off to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Didn't meet her at a club. We actually work together. I've known her for 2 months.

 

And she's actually the only girl i've ever slept with :x

Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, let me get this straight.

 

You've worked with a girl for two months. Within a few weeks of meeting her you were regularly having sex, which is how you lost your virginity. She isn't sure she wants to be in a relationship.

 

That sounds like her looking for casual sex. There isn't much you can do about that other than keep things light and try not to get super attached. But I wouldn't use this to generalize about all women.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Figured I'd do a little follow up. I've been getting some ridiculously conflicting signs lately.

 

It started a couple days ago when she put up a facebook status saying "the ball is in your court... now send it back!" and brought my attention to it, saying that it was in reference to me. I know it seems juvenile, but still. she wouldn't tell me exactly what she meant by it though, saying I needed to figure it out.

 

My initial reaction was that she wanted me to ask her to be my girlfriend, but that wouldn't really make sense because our time spent together has been on the decline lately.

 

Then she hits me with a bombshell yesterday. turns out she had a plane ticket to go to florida with her friends for a week in august, but the plans fell through and she was stuck with the ticket. So she asked me if I would want to go with her. Now, taking off work to go to Florida for a week in one month from today is a HUGE thing to ask of someone who you're not even exclusive with, right?

 

We had a long talk last night and I found out what my biggest obstacle seemed to be: her family. She has two older sisters who she's extremely close with and I bombed my first impression with them. Apparently I came off as weird, awkward, and gay to them... And I'm the subject of a lot of their jokes. Because of that, she doesn't want me to meet her mom because she's worried "she won't like you as much as I do"

 

So the way I see it is, I'm going to need to find a way to meet her mom and impress her somehow to get myself out of this rut. But why is she inviting me on a vacation if I can't even meet her mother? We're only 20 years old, and both still live with our parents. It's obviously an important step to take... I'm so confused.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Serenitynow
So here I am, asking you guys for advice and tips on keeping her interested.

 

You really have no power in keeping her interested.

 

If she is just looking for casual sex, there's not much you can do.

 

WHY would you want to keep someone around that isn't interested in you ?

 

This is the trick everyone falls for. They find out the person isn't interested, so they try to MAKE the person interested by playing games. I think its a subconscious way of you saving face, not admitting to yourself that it is what it is.

 

So aren't you in a way trying to change her perception of you ? Which is actually trying to change her.

 

People are attracted to someone through visual means, then when they realize the person isn't compatible, they try to change the person to fit what they want.

 

.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You two need to communicate. You are both waiting for the other to make a move and it is not going to go anywhere. You need to take the initiative to be honest and straight forward with her so you are not always left wondering.

 

Not sure why she made the crack about the "real date". Have you not been taking her places SHE enjoys? Or is this just her way? Sounds like she is hinting about something. Just my thoughts...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

thanks for the responses, but read my more recent post in the topic. I think it sheds more light on the situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Figured I'd do a little follow up. I've been getting some ridiculously conflicting signs lately.

 

I never thought your signs were conflicting, you just refuse to accept the reality of it.

 

It started a couple days ago when she put up a facebook status saying "the ball is in your court... now send it back!" and brought my attention to it, saying that it was in reference to me. I know it seems juvenile, but still. she wouldn't tell me exactly what she meant by it though, saying I needed to figure it out.

 

It means she's playing games.

 

You should have said "Please explain yourself."

 

If you enjoy these games then good for you. If not consider your option of leaving her.

 

My initial reaction was that she wanted me to ask her to be my girlfriend, but that wouldn't really make sense because our time spent together has been on the decline lately.

 

I personaly don't ASK girls to be my gf. I just tell them that "you're my gf and we are exclusive so we only see eachother." I would say this after a few dates or sex. If they are not cool with that I would seriously consider just breaking up.

 

Then she hits me with a bombshell yesterday. turns out she had a plane ticket to go to florida with her friends for a week in august, but the plans fell through and she was stuck with the ticket. So she asked me if I would want to go with her. Now, taking off work to go to Florida for a week in one month from today is a HUGE thing to ask of someone who you're not even exclusive with, right?

 

Dude why don't you just talk to her. I know your afraid of the answer but... you should. If she gives you a NO or just evades your questions on whether she wants to be exclusive then I would dump her.

 

I didn't know you could buy a plane ticket and just switch the name like that.

 

We had a long talk last night and I found out what my biggest obstacle seemed to be: her family. She has two older sisters who she's extremely close with and I bombed my first impression with them. Apparently I came off as weird, awkward, and gay to them... And I'm the subject of a lot of their jokes. Because of that, she doesn't want me to meet her mom because she's worried "she won't like you as much as I do"

 

So the way I see it is, I'm going to need to find a way to meet her mom and impress her somehow to get myself out of this rut. But why is she inviting me on a vacation if I can't even meet her mother? We're only 20 years old, and both still live with our parents. It's obviously an important step to take... I'm so confused.

 

Ever see how Homer Simpsons Sister in laws act around him.

 

Don't worry about impressing other people. Just be yourself. Your gf should stick up for you. Feel free to make fun of them if they say something to your face.

 

I personaly don't care about impressing my gf's family.

Link to post
Share on other sites

From what I can tell you have 2 options here.

 

1. Tell her you like her, like spending time together etc. but if its going to continue you need to be exclusive.

 

2. Accept that your just friends with benefits.

 

It sounds like you want it to be exclusive, which is all well and good but she is in a position where its not exclusive, but she still gets what she wants from you.

 

Give her an ultimatum, its all or nothing honey.

Link to post
Share on other sites

In my experience, women making it a point to bring up the "I really like you, but I'm not ready to be your GF or anything..." are trying to gauge whether or not YOU are in it just as a casual thing, or are wanting a relationship.

 

Women interested in casual sex will either make it a point that they view it as casual after 2-3 encounters, or will simply not bring it up.

 

In your shoes, I'd have said "Yes I like you as well, lets keep it going and see where it takes us" or something along those lines.

 

There's no point in forcing an ultimatum upon her when the reality is that all of this could be your own paranoia. She WILL ask you to be exclusive and her BF if things continue the way they are.

Link to post
Share on other sites
"I assumed that having sex with a girl meant I was obviously acceptable"

 

"... I worry myself sick."

 

"... pray that she doesn't lose interest entirely."

 

"I try to do things with other friends and make it noticeable to her (without being obvious about it)."

You're giving her all the power and control of the situation. She's playing teenage games with your emotions. You assumed ... you were acceptable, you worry yourself sick, you pray that she doesn't lose interest. Fact is, she's firmly in control of you, and she knows it.
The disney-channel method, which I have tried for many years now, obviously doesn't work. Being sweet, complimenting her, being available, being trusting... all of that crap just makes someone boring.
And it always did fail miserably. As sociologically conditioned "nice guys" we men merely believed these ideas. They were never really successful, nor will they likely ever be.
It started a couple days ago when she put up a facebook status saying "the ball is in your court... now send it back!" and brought my attention to it, saying that it was in reference to me. I know it seems juvenile, but still. she wouldn't tell me exactly what she meant by it though, saying I needed to figure it out.
You know, I'd normally say that she just wants you to make a move, but I think the following steers me in a different direction. You said that, according to her,
Apparently I came off as weird, awkward, and gay to them... And I'm the subject of a lot of their jokes. Because of that, she doesn't want me to meet her mom because she's worried "she won't like you as much as I do"
Simple solution. Gather your balls, give her the boot and as a leaving point let her know that her family doesn't really know you and that making them content and happy is not a priority of yours.

 

When she is ready to grow up and if you're not into something better at the time, she could maybe look you up.

 

Oust the teenager.

 

Curt

Link to post
Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire
Figured I'd do a little follow up. I've been getting some ridiculously conflicting signs lately.

It started a couple days ago when she put up a facebook status saying "the ball is in your court... now send it back!" and brought my attention to it, saying that it was in reference to me. I know it seems juvenile, but still. she wouldn't tell me exactly what she meant by it though, saying I needed to figure it out.

My initial reaction was that she wanted me to ask her to be my girlfriend, but that wouldn't really make sense because our time spent together has been on the decline lately.

Then she hits me with a bombshell yesterday. turns out she had a plane ticket to go to florida with her friends for a week in august, but the plans fell through and she was stuck with the ticket. So she asked me if I would want to go with her. Now, taking off work to go to Florida for a week in one month from today is a HUGE thing to ask of someone who you're not even exclusive with, right?

We had a long talk last night and I found out what my biggest obstacle seemed to be: her family. She has two older sisters who she's extremely close with and I bombed my first impression with them. Apparently I came off as weird, awkward, and gay to them... And I'm the subject of a lot of their jokes. Because of that, she doesn't want me to meet her mom because she's worried "she won't like you as much as I do"

So the way I see it is, I'm going to need to find a way to meet her mom and impress her somehow to get myself out of this rut. But why is she inviting me on a vacation if I can't even meet her mother? We're only 20 years old, and both still live with our parents. It's obviously an important step to take... I'm so confused.

 

Is there a chance she may still have some hope of getting back with her ex?

 

I say you just enjoy the FWB situation and continue to look for other women. She clearly is rebounding and knows it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

To make a relationship work a girl should be emotionally/intellectually ready.

Immaturity does not depend totally on age of a person, but many young girls are immature. Because they do not have enough experience and did not get any guidance from their parents or any other mature individual. As result of immaturity, a girl does not know what she wants, tests reality doing really stupied things, so, hopefully in several yrs she might figure out something reasonable about dating based on her own experience and she will get less confused.

In other words, everything that you described about her is her personal attitude. And, you can do whatever but it is not going to change your attitude.

She can not get mature, experienced and reasonable overnight just because she met a guy who behaves in a special way.

Considering that she is immature, you can do whatever you want to match her behavior because she has no idea about what the right thing to do for a guy anyway.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Wow, you guys have no idea how much I appreciate these responses! This is good stuff!

 

I was thinking about giving her the ultimatum, but the flip side of it is I lose the benefits if she turns me down. I have to ask myself, can I deal with just hooking up and having no chance at an exclusive relationship? Seems like a no-brainer for a guy, but it really isn't in my case.

 

The two of us are hanging out tomorrow night. I'm going to see how that goes and plan from there. I'll probably issue the ultimatum after a few more dates if it gets to that point. But hopefully we come togethe rmore naturally. Right now I should probably focus on making a good first impression with her mother and that would fix a lot of problems.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am absolutely amazed you had sex with a girl you met a little over a month ago and you lost your virginity. How did you pull that off?

 

The next thing is that you seem way too interested in this girl. Despite already having sex, you've only known her for a month. You need to keep your feelings in check. It seems to soon to be considering going exclusive.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You're giving her all the power and control of the situation.

 

That's it right there, no need for me to say anything.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wow, you guys have no idea how much I appreciate these responses! This is good stuff!

 

I was thinking about giving her the ultimatum, but the flip side of it is I lose the benefits if she turns me down. I have to ask myself, can I deal with just hooking up and having no chance at an exclusive relationship? Seems like a no-brainer for a guy, but it really isn't in my case.

 

The two of us are hanging out tomorrow night. I'm going to see how that goes and plan from there. I'll probably issue the ultimatum after a few more dates if it gets to that point. But hopefully we come togethe rmore naturally. Right now I should probably focus on making a good first impression with her mother and that would fix a lot of problems.

 

As for communication/negotiation skills, an ultimatum is not the best idea for most situations. You might want first to talk with her and listen to her view point on the subject. What are her reasons? Perhaps they are rational and you might like them. Perhaps, it is good to accept and respect her reasons at the begining. Do not try to change her view point instantly. Do not let your emotions (jealousy) to speak out for yourself because if you react on your emotional impulses you are in deep trouble.

Instead use your logic and rational thinking to understand her point and express your opinion without drama. Possible rational reasons for exclusivity can be risks of STDs and pregnancy, desire to have quality sex without a condom, emotional need for exclusivity, and probably something else.

Most importantly, think about your priorities. If your priority to have sex, just go for that and do not go against that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA

You assume that by letting her initiate 90% of texts/calls, you are coming across as "uninterested" and thus she will like you more.

 

I will tell you how it looks from a girl's perspective: if you let the girl initiate but you are receptive and go along with it, you are actually coming across as passive, unconfident and letting her have FULL control of the relationship. This is a HUGE turn off.

Link to post
Share on other sites
As for communication/negotiation skills, an ultimatum is not the best idea for most situations. You might want first to talk with her and listen to her view point on the subject. What are her reasons? Perhaps they are rational and you might like them. Perhaps, it is good to accept and respect her reasons at the begining. Do not try to change her view point instantly. Do not let your emotions (jealousy) to speak out for yourself because if you react on your emotional impulses you are in deep trouble.

Instead use your logic and rational thinking to understand her point and express your opinion without drama. Possible rational reasons for exclusivity can be risks of STDs and pregnancy, desire to have quality sex without a condom, emotional need for exclusivity, and probably something else.

Most importantly, think about your priorities. If your priority to have sex, just go for that and do not go against that.

 

I have to disagree, an ultimatum is his only choice if he wants to be exclusive at this point. She has no incentive to be exclusive if she is going to get what she wants from him either way.

 

If OP is fine with the friends w/ benefits situation then the ultimatum is pointless but I don't think that's why he made this thread.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have to disagree, an ultimatum is his only choice if he wants to be exclusive at this point. She has no incentive to be exclusive if she is going to get what she wants from him either way.

 

If OP is fine with the friends w/ benefits situation then the ultimatum is pointless but I don't think that's why he made this thread.

 

Re-posting what I said before, as I still think its relevant. New stuff below it...

 

" In my experience, women making it a point to bring up the "I really like you, but I'm not ready to be your GF or anything..." are trying to gauge whether or not YOU are in it just as a casual thing, or are wanting a relationship.

 

Women interested in casual sex will either make it a point that they view it as casual after 2-3 encounters, or will simply not bring it up.

 

In your shoes, I'd have said "Yes I like you as well, lets keep it going and see where it takes us" or something along those lines.

 

There's no point in forcing an ultimatum upon her when the reality is that all of this could be your own paranoia. She WILL ask you to be exclusive and her BF if things continue the way they are. "

 

 

 

 

As others have said, you need to communicate with her. Personally, I'd be careful not to do so in a way that presents an ultimatum. You can gather all the information you need to decide how to proceed WITHOUT doing that.

 

Furthermore, I'd avoid a confrontational style of conversation because from her perspective, she could very well be wondering herself if YOU are interested in anything more than casual encounters.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

1. You assume that by letting her initiate 90% of texts/calls, you are coming across as "uninterested" and thus she will like you more.

 

I will tell you how it looks from a girl's perspective: if you let the girl initiate but you are receptive and go along with it, you are actually coming across as passive, unconfident and letting her have FULL control of the relationship. This is a HUGE turn off.

 

1. This does create attraction in women.

 

2. I see your point with the bolded part, that is good advice. So how does a man appear uninterested at first, yet not come off as passive? Seems like an extremely difficult tight rope to walk.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well I may have gotten my answer today, and it's definitely not what I had hoped. The two of us went out to dinner and then watched television at my house. One thing led to another and we had sex... When she was "cleaning up" in the aftermath, I couldn't help my rifle through her phone... bad boy, I know! The first message that popped up was from some guy saying "Well a girl as pretty as you won't be single for long so let's hang out soon!" I put the phone down after reading that.

 

I tried having a conversation with her about where we were going. she agreed that we were exclusive but didn't want to be "official." I told her straight up that it's okay if she needs time but I'm not going to get complacent with just hooking up and nothing more. she made a comment that most guys would love a sex-with-no-strings-attached situation, but was quick to say that she wasnt trying to just be friends with benefits.

 

She's being wishy washy about the whole thing, and as soon as I started being more direct, she figured it was time to leave. Our goodbye was very awkward and she kept commenting on how I was worrying her by acting strange. She got home and texted me "Night" which isn't he usual nightly "Night babe" so i decided against responding.

 

Would you say at this point that it's a lost cause?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...