He asked me to spend the night, then blew me off

[looktothelight]

Hi everyone, new here. I don't know if I will be posting a lot or not. Depends how many predicaments come up I suppose. I've been a member of several online communities before but always deleted my membership due to unnecessary bickering. Warning: this may be long, but I see alot of long posts on here and hopefully I won't get called 'crazy' like on Yahoo Answers ha.

 

So I'll give background info on my situation. We'll call him 'T'

 

I met an exceptionally handsome guy at a concert last summer. He was with a group and lady who I later found out is his long term on and off ex. I boldly approached him when he was standing by himself, we conversed and he asked for my number.

The process it took for us to have a date is a bit hazy, but I think we just talked on the phone and texted a week then he went out of town for a huge concert. He texted me the whole week he was out of town and told me he will see me when he's back.

We went to a late movie and waffle house. I was cuddled up on him, it was good.

A few days later I agreed to spend the night. I was at a concert and afterward he drove to my friends and got me. My girlfriends are too much 'goody-goodies' so to speak to join. We stayed with a bunch of friends. Cuddled and kissed. It was a near perfect night.

After that 2 days later he asked me to come over, it was already 9 o' clock and I didn't want to seem too available so I smartly declined. A few days later he texted me (notice I don't like to talk on the phone much unless to make plans, it's awkward) and said he missed me. I said come over! He asked what we would do. I guess I said we'd just hang, or something.

Ironically at the time, me and my girlfriends were watching He's Just Not That Into You. Haha great. :/

He didn't reply till late with a simple 'what's up' my friend said I should be mad he didn't join us, and should ask 'why are you texting me?' so I did. He just replied 'okay bye' The next day I apologized. At this point it's been a week or so since the sleepover and haven't seen eachother since. So i also asked him to call me, as it seemed we had to talk about the issue. He said 'hold on.' Several hours later he called just to say,'can I call you back in a minute' A little later he texted and asked what did I want to talk about. I just told him I don't understand why we haven't had another date, considering neither of us are employed at the moment and live a mere 20 min from the other. Heck I don't remember the whole text conversation but basically at that time he was in New Orleans, on another pleasure trip. and that 'He won't forget about me and he'll see me, I promise. :]'

 

And it was on that day I met the guy (through my ex of 5 years, he said he didn't care what we do, or the relationship we pursue) whom I would be chasing, crying, and loving this whole past year.

 

It's sad I remember all this from a year ago, but if you can tell there's few few people that I actually want to remember interaction with much less am attracted to, so of course I remember.

 

Anyways, during this year, I know T got back with his ex, and for a few months had on his myspace a picture of a...unique... looking girl (she dresses oddly and has her septum pierced) with a caption that read,'I have found the girl I am going to marry'

They broke up around January I believe, and soon he got another girlfriend and they broke up in June, or sooner.

 

 

So on June 2nd to be exact, I left him a pic comment on myspace (silly, but my only way to communicate with him) and said,'Cute. Haven't talked to you in a while.'

He messaged me, said he's single we should hang and what's my number that he got a new number.

A few days later he texts me. We send a few messages back and forth daily for about a week. Then one night around 10 he randomly says,' Come stay the night with me' Of course I decline this. I am not the go to girl! I am worth making a formal plan with! I just tell him I'm staying somewhere else that night, sorry.

Shoot a few days later he texts me at 1 a.m. Just 'Heyyy.'

Heck no I didn't reply. and Didn't till he sent,' Hey' three more times 2 days later.

Persistence is good, in my opinion.

We hung out on June 18th. Just went to his house as he was low on money. Btw he has a job now. I shyly tell him I have my debit card, just to make sure he wouldn't want me to use it. Good thing he didn't. We made pancakes. It was sweet.

He tried to cuddle with me but I called him out. I told him he's always been flaky, and he cut me out out of the blue last summer and he was a jerk. We talk about it. I finally let him cuddle. He whispers I'm adorable and kisses my shoulder. He said he's trying not to kiss me. I tell him if we ever kiss again, I want it to be right. I want everything to be special. Now this gladdens me, he says,

 

"Good. Make me wait."

 

This tells me he's a guy who does not like easy, based on the above we already know he's extremely independent. Also another thing with every guy I've liked, they've been extremely adventurous but independent to the point of negligence. :/

 

Yet he tells me he'd like being pursued, that'd be hot.

 

But you know what? I guess anything that's happened doesn't matter, we have not even gotten to the problem.

 

That night on June 18th, after we chilled, He texts me,'Hey. :]' I said,' Hi. :]'

 

Nothing. The next day I text,' Hey sweetness >:] how was your day did you sign the lease on your apartment?'

Nothing. Finally a week later I say,' You don't want to be my friend :[ I'm pretty confused as to what happened."

Nothing. I saw him at a concert a week later and had as much fun as I possibly could. He looked at me but didn't seem like he wanted to associate. I tried to convince myself he was NOT the best looking man there, which was a lie.

A week later he texts me hey. I don't reply till the next day.

I say hey back. And of course, just like the bad luck nightmare which is 80% the story of my life, he says this:

'Who's this, I got a new phone today?'

'Wait. I know who this is. :['

'I thought we weren't gonna talk anymore.'

Wow. He obviously thought I was some different girl.

I say my name. I tell him he likes disappearing for awhile, huh?

He said his best friend's dad died. I guess that's as adequate an excuse as excuses can be.

This was maybe 5 days ago. I was at a huge 4th of July party with his best friends and he texted me and I told them. They told me to tell him to come over. I did. No reply.

On the 6th He texted around 10, and said,' Come be cute.'

I said okay, I'll be cute. He said seriously?? I said not tonight silly, you know I don't go to guys house this late. He said okay tomorrow? I say deal. :]

He says to send him a cute pic. This is obvious and also weird. So I send him a pic of my cats paw.

I ask would it be slutty if I stayed the night so soon, since we haven't talked in awhile? He said ':] no cause we won't do anything except cuddle maybe a kiss unless you change how you are.'

I say ok awesome, I'm glad you're not like the others. Then excitedly told him i'll have to leave early in the morning for my Birmingham trip.

Etc.

Now it's the 6th. In the morning he texts hi. I say morning!

After I get off work around 7 I told him I was off.

No answer.

I say ':[?

No answer.

I say,'If you can't get me you need to tell me, so I can make other plans.'

He FINALLY says,'Work, can't.'

By now me and my best friendd are hanging with one of my gorgeous, gorgeous exes who I cannot have my hands on at the moment because he has been taken for about 2 weeks now.

I send one final text around midnight.

'Thanks for tonight that was mean you jerk :[ and I got extra cute for no reason.'

No reply.

 

I don't understand. I think I could have made him yearn for me, if I played games. It's human nature to want what we can't have, I know. What's not to easily available to us. If I 'played' hard to get or 'played' mind games maybe he'd be blowing up my phone right now. But that's it exactly. Why can't two people be genuine and not have to chase? Why not simply spend time together?

I don't want to play.

 

We both have the same interests and frequently travel. I know it's likely that that long term ex of his, still has that boy's heart. A flighty and independent guy, it seems once won (it's safe to say he loved her) they stay in love awhile.

 

It's possible he thinks I'm not 'thrill of the chase' enough or may push some sort of commitment.

This is not true everyone. I don;t care about dating him, honestly.

 

I just want to cuddle and kiss on him and enjoy conversation once in awhile. I don't care about the other girls (for now).

 

Oh wow, just now as I'm typing, another guy who's been dropped off the planet for 3 weeks just texted. At this point, I'm almost despondent and I do not care. I didn't reply. He just sent another text. ' I will say I left for 2 weeks and began a relationship over the last month, and that it ended Sunday. Leaving me to talk to people I've forgotten. But I'm off to sleep.

 

Dude, I don't care. Whatever. These instances happen to me on an every other day basis. My eyes are getting watery. I don't know what's going on with T right now, but if he truly wanted to pursue a connection with me he would pursue me more strongly than he has been. I probably shouldn't reply to him either.

 

I'm hurt and frustrated and just...just plain fed up!! I know I deserved a thousand times better, we all do, and I definitely don't want to deal with repeated situations like this with him long term.

 

 

Everyone, plan of action please? Or none? He's one of the few that I want his body and enjoy occasional conversation.

[alyssatranswarrior]

IMO you seem a bit too hung up on this guy..It's unfortunate you are not getting what you deserve but keep looking is my best advice.

 

All the things about "cute" and "kissing" and "cuddling"

Is there any sex in this coupling? Are you christian or something, perhaps? No offence but if there is no sex and you make him earn a cuddle and a kiss, and you think that spending the night and ONLY cuddling is perceived as "slutty" that is one reason he might flake on you. He may think you are too prudish.

 

You are latching onto him like a desperate puppy, and he likes the attention but is likely dating and screwing other girls in these week-long-text-breaks. Sorry but it's likely true.

[TaurusTerp]

You sound incredibly immature with the game-playing and making him jump through hoops. He's probably just sick of your ****.

 

Sorry, honey. I just don't see a point in sugar-coating it. It's the internet, so I hope you'll see this is just honest advice. I would get real sick of your treatment real fast.

[looktothelight]

I could type a huge post like this probably about 10 guys in my life right now ha.

How am I acting like a desperate puppy? The reply seemed a bit harsh, but thanks for the honesty with no sugar coating. I don't care who else he is seeing I am usually talking to several people as well. I frequently tell guys to go get it from someone if he needs it that bad, and I will give it to him when I know it will be special. I'm just confused as to the behavior.

I guess I didn't think staying the night would be slutty, i more meant 'too available'

So you're telling me having sex after not talking much and the 2nd time I spend the night is the right thing to do?

And what do you think I should do? Re-delete his number or say one more thing?

[looktothelight]

Taurus, how is my behavior wrong?

What do you suggest I do would be the right behavior? For this as well as future encounters.

P.s..I'm a Scorpio. Just saying since Taurus is in your name. This guy is a Sagittarius and a classic one at that.

[TaurusTerp]

it was already 9 o' clock and I didn't want to seem too available so I smartly declined.

 

should ask 'why are you texting me?' so I did.

 

Then one night around 10 he randomly says,' Come stay the night with me' Of course I decline this. I am not the go to girl! I am worth making a formal plan with!

 

Heck no I didn't reply. and Didn't till he sent,' Hey' three more times 2 days later.

 

I shyly tell him I have my debit card, just to make sure he wouldn't want me to use it. Good thing he didn't.

 

I finally let him cuddle.

 

I know I deserved a thousand times better

 

Just copied and pasted the major red flags. I gotta go to bed, but perhaps you see a pattern of disinterest and generally giving him a hard time for no reason...major turn offs. Ill try to elaborate tomorrow, if nobody else has.

 

Pure speculation, but I feel like you're trying to provide a "chase", but doing it very poorly. There is no chase if you just ignore a guy...

[looktothelight]

Okay tomorrow, thanks.

Also, how do I make him want to talk to me now? Then I can provide a chase (since that seems is what he wants, correct?)

I can learn new tactics you guys can tell me.

[alyssatranswarrior]

Even after over a year span you will still entertain the idea of spending the night for ONLY cuddling and whatever else you want to do. There is no "us" in these random get-togethers.

 

I'm saying both of you are doing silly things. He is silly for ignoring you half the time. You are silly for still thinking he is worth it based on how he looks and how "cute" your randomly spaced out time together is.

 

The difference is, for him this situation is EASY, for you - you openly admitt that it's on your mind for months on end, and thinking about him now makes you tear up and what not - in heartbreak a lot it seems.

 

This = bad for you = easy for him. He is not even thinking about you in the breaks between contact. Harsh but true. He is not even waiting on your texts and hoping for contact. Harsh but true.

[Kamille]

He's just not that into you. Nothing you do will make him into you.

 

You're going into this as if it's a war strategy. Well, this one guy is a losing battle. He has the upper hand he knows it.

 

You should decide for yourself that you deserve better. Not so you can tell him and use it to judge his interest, but so you can move on.

 

Also, don't play games to land a guy. While I believe in waiting for sex and not getting carried away at the beginning of a relationship, for me, it's not about "getting the guy" but about setting a pace that's good for me and that helps me keep my balance. It's about not getting too emotionally invested in someone until I know they reciprocate the feeling.

 

This guy has never given you reasons to think he reciprocates your own emotional investment. Time to cut him loose. For good.

[Diezel]

Ho-ly... hell.

I just read all of that and it was like watching a train wreck.

This has been going on for HOW long???

 

I don't know WHAT mental fantasies you have of this guy, but he clearly isn't the man that you would LIKE him to be.

 

Look, this has complicated itself over and over and over only to have NOTHING happen?

 

With all the games being played in between the two of you, there could never be grounds for a serious relationship. You're too used to THIS kind of behavior by now. You want the story-book romance with the new age game playing. It's not going to happen.

 

It seems to be more of a "I haven't had it yet, so I still want it" syndrome. Not only that, but you have some self-esteem issues to deal with:

 

I send one final text around midnight.

'Thanks for tonight that was mean you jerk :[ and I got extra cute for no reason.'

No reply.

 

Has anyone ever called you Princess or a pet name like that?

Because the way I read this OP, it almost seemed like you come across like this kind of person... someone that's ENTITLED to be with certain people and certain people only... and this guy is one of them.

 

And sorry, but don't sit here saying: Why can't two people just be sincere?

 

You've obviously been part of the game playing. If you weren't you would have moved on a long time ago.

 

 

 

Advice: Seek someone new without all this ridiculous backstory. Start over fresh.

[TaurusTerp]

Okay tomorrow, thanks.

Also, how do I make him want to talk to me now? Then I can provide a chase (since that seems is what he wants, correct?)

I can learn new tactics you guys can tell me.

 

I personally think you should stop talking to him...there's just too much damage done here to create any semblance of a healthy relationship, in my opinion.

 

The point everyone is making is that you should stop with the "tactics" and just be straightforward. If a guy texts you at 10 pm, dont ignore him. Text him back saying I'd rather not be your last second date or your booty call. Don't "test" him with things like offering to pay but secretly judging him if he lets you. Just be mature....talk about your feelings.

[looktothelight]

Well, he's been texting me. I've been straight forward and not playing games i.e waiting to text back, and I've let him know I find him exceptionally attractive and I want to see, just let me know.

He wanted to 'spicy text' too, told me he wants to 'kiss and touch' which you guys are right, it's been a period of a year so I should be more open to these possibilities. I went along with it.

So...the balls in his court now. If he wants to play games even though I'm not, then okay. I'll take him as he comes, and if not then accept it because I've let him know my interest.

[Aveenolover]

This guy doesnt sound good. I dont see anything wrong with what youre doing, honestly. You want this guy to take you out and EARN you, instead of just trying to have you come over at 10pm so he can get a little somethin-somethin. To be honest i had a "relationship" like that not too long ago. He never took me out. He would text me late and want me to come over. Unfortunately, i didnt have the will power you have and i would go over there late. and all he wanted to do was have sex. I wondered how long id have to deal with it until i got a real date. or even became his gf but after he got what he wanted a few times the texts came less and less.

and what do you know, today i find out from his ex roommate i was just one of his MANY pieces of meat. Trust your gut. Thats all i can say and i seriously WISH i would have trusted mine.

[Aveenolover]

Also, sorry, i just read your last update. I just see that as a red flag that hes already trying to get you to talk dirty. he should be tryin to get to know you better. take you out. i dunno it just sounds SO much like that player i was seeing.

[SadandConfusedWA]

This is the real problem here:

 

This guy just wants no strings sex

You are emotionally invested and want him to fall for you

 

There is the disconnect. You hope that by "playing games" you can make him feel something for you, but that is not going to happen.

 

My advice? If you can truly handle no strings sex with absolutely nothing real coming out of it, then just go fo it. If you can't - you are wasting your time. You can't force someone to feel something they are just not feeling.

 

He is giving you the option: either be go to for sex girl or nothing. Take it or leave it.

[Serenitynow]

I didn't want to seem too available so I smartly declined.

 

MORE immature games, does EVERYONE play games ? is this why I'm single ? and the kicker is she says its "smart"

 

 

He didn't reply till late with a simple 'what's up' my friend said I should be mad he didn't join us, and should ask 'why are you texting me?' so I did. He just replied 'okay bye' The next day I apologized

This is WHY its so damn hard to date, meet, or have any communication with most women. The "friend" is always at her side shooting her mouth off putting the guy down.

 

When the GUY contacted her, it was ok for her to play unavailable,

 

But when he did it to her, the women flip out.

 

I am so disgusted with the way both sexes play games back and forth with each other. Looks like I will be single forever, since I refuse to involve myself with such immaturity.

 

.

[Gero]

MORE immature games, does EVERYONE play games ? is this why I'm single ? and the kicker is she says its "smart"

 

I don't get it either and I never will.

[vestigalvirgin]

OP,

 

so, you met a guy who you know already had a gf, you try to get with him, but he's treating you like a worthless skank?

 

 

Hmmm........why shouldn't he?

[bittersweet memories]

Well, he's been texting me. I've been straight forward and not playing games i.e waiting to text back, and I've let him know I find him exceptionally attractive and I want to see, just let me know.

He wanted to 'spicy text' too, told me he wants to 'kiss and touch' which you guys are right, it's been a period of a year so I should be more open to these possibilities. I went along with it.

So...the balls in his court now. If he wants to play games even though I'm not, then okay. I'll take him as he comes, and if not then accept it because I've let him know my interest.

 

He's a player...stay away from this guy. Listen to your gut and be relieved you never slept with him. Move on and kiss your lucky stars. He will break you heart if you stick around! Seriously! He is after one thing you deserve to be treated like a lady.

[Serenitynow]

I'm sure the OP never expected to get blasted with criticism here. At least she is being honest and upfront with her situation. She probably expected the rest of us play games and would give her advice on how to better her situation.

 

 

.

[Pfiend101]

MORE immature games, does EVERYONE play games ? is this why I'm single ? and the kicker is she says its "smart"

 

 

This is WHY its so damn hard to date, meet, or have any communication with most women. The "friend" is always at her side shooting her mouth off putting the guy down.

 

When the GUY contacted her, it was ok for her to play unavailable,

 

But when he did it to her, the women flip out.

 

I am so disgusted with the way both sexes play games back and forth with each other. Looks like I will be single forever, since I refuse to involve myself with such immaturity.

 

.

 

Yes I agree I hate games as well its bs. But notice how badly she wants him now after him not showing her much interest. This whole thing is just backwards bull****.

[looktothelight]

So you guys believe guys like this are NOT looking for real feelings, that they'd turn down a relationship with M.s America?

Yeah, I was hoping that with holding from sex and spending some time with him showing I'm wonderful and he can enjoy time with me, he'd be interested and ready to pursue.

I've noticed really good looking guys seem to initiate contact less, pursue less, and seem to KNOW their handsomeness ha. So I get in the mindset that, I'm in a competition. That I have to stand out from the many others who likely want him too and show I'm more intriguing and colorful. Bah, it becomes too tedius and I'd rather drop the whole thing when this mindset arises..let those petty women race after the pretty face.

One attractive guy, who I wasn't entirely attracted to due to personality differences, told me he 'digs me because I'm not all over him like most other women.'

hmmm too much to worry about for me. :[

[looktothelight]

And Pfiend, I think maybe it's a thought of 'maybe if I just say this/ step up my game more, he'll want me ad not the others' and many thoughts like this. But I don't think any of that is thecase. Nor does it work. Like what I said in previous post, I'm starting to think with some guys, she could be miss America and he'd still play her and string along the others.

[vestigalvirgin]

OP, he had an "on and off ex," which is the same thing as "he had a girlfriend."

 

You knew that right off the bat.

 

Find some other guy to get involved with, it's that simple.

[Kamille]

So you guys believe guys like this are NOT looking for real feelings, that they'd turn down a relationship with M.s America?

 

I don't believe anything about the guy other than his actions indicate that he isn't as into you as you are into him. He likes to keep you hanging, throws you a bone once in awhile, but doesn't consider you as someone he could potentially have something serious with.

 

Yeah, I was hoping that with holding from sex and spending some time with him showing I'm wonderful and he can enjoy time with me, he'd be interested and ready to pursue.

 

You're very candid. You absolutely played games and maybe he felt you were playing and that is why he never took you seriously.

 

I've noticed really good looking guys seem to initiate contact less, pursue less, and seem to KNOW their handsomeness ha. So I get in the mindset that, I'm in a competition. That I have to stand out from the many others who likely want him too and show I'm more intriguing and colorful. Bah, it becomes too tedius and I'd rather drop the whole thing when this mindset arises..let those petty women race after the pretty face.

 

What about just being yourself? I mean, what did you want with this guy? A relationship or a fling?

 

See, I used to think, like you, that guys are into "colorful" and intriguing girls. Sure they like someone unique, but the way you're describing the situation, it sounds like you went overboard in trying to compete for him. Have you ever had a guy try hard to impress you? Did it impress you or did you end up feeling like the guy must be insecure, or have issues, or be an attention seeker?

 

My love life improved once I toned it down and stopped trying to impress the men I was interested in. I chose to be myself, and it paid off. Surprisingly, I was a bit more quiet and guys seemed to dig that. That was intriguing for them.

 

So move on from this guy and focus on doing things for you from now on, not so as to land a guy.

 

One attractive guy, who I wasn't entirely attracted to due to personality differences, told me he 'digs me because I'm not all over him like most other women.'

 

Just like maybe the guy you're pining after isn't entirely into you because he notices some important personality differences.

 

Don't sweat this, move on and, from now on, quit playing games to land a guy. Do things because they make sense to you. You'll make mistakes, but eventually you will find your path and someone who's more willing to appreciate you for who you are.