Jump to content

Ways to say - thanks but no thanks


Recommended Posts

I've only been split from my ex a week but have already had a couple of guys after me.

 

When face to face with a guy - and I'm not interested in anything other than friends... can anyone suggest polite and friendly ways to say 'thanks but no thanks'

 

I'm not 'looking' this early, but I am open if the right one comes along if you know what I mean. I'm more excited at the prospect of making new friends (I've just moved cities) but if its a guy and he starts to lean in...eeeeeeeeeekkk!

 

thanks :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
"I'm flattered by your interest and you seem like a nice guy but I only just broke up with my boyfriend a week ago and I'm not ready to date yet. I hope you understand."

 

That should work.

As a guy I can see right throught that and would not like it one bit.

 

How about just a simple "I'm not interested".

Link to post
Share on other sites
crimsonmike
"I'm flattered by your interest and you seem like a nice guy but I only just broke up with my boyfriend a week ago and I'm not ready to date yet. I hope you understand."

 

That should work.

 

 

I respectfully disagree with gamma. That sounds just fine to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks. To my knowledge it never offended anyone I've ever said it to. Besides, it's the truth. If the truth offends...oh well.

If you really mean it when you say "not ready to date", then no problem.

 

I've been told that too many times when it was clearly not true. When it's not true and used with "seems like a nice guy", it sounds really fake.

 

All I want is someone to be honest with me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I've only been split from my ex a week but have already had a couple of guys after me.

 

When face to face with a guy - and I'm not interested in anything other than friends... can anyone suggest polite and friendly ways to say 'thanks but no thanks'

 

I'm not 'looking' this early, but I am open if the right one comes along if you know what I mean. I'm more excited at the prospect of making new friends (I've just moved cities) but if its a guy and he starts to lean in...eeeeeeeeeekkk!

 

thanks :)

 

In other words, "normal" looking guys don't stand a chance, but if a cute looking guy comes along you'll "make an exception". Ever thought that maybe you should apply your methods to ALL guys instead of "making exceptions", especially considering your method is to "not date people" since you just broke up.

 

As a guy I can see right throught that and would not like it one bit.

 

How about just a simple "I'm not interested".

 

I agree 100%. I'm flattered by your interest and you seem like a nice guy but I only just broke up with my boyfriend a week ago and I'm not willing to date you. I hope you understand.

 

That's what the statement comes across truly as.

 

Thanks. To my knowledge it never offended anyone I've ever said it to. Besides, it's the truth. If the truth offends...oh well.

 

It's not the truth, you said so yourself. You said you might change if the right guy came along. That means that you ARE willing to date, just not some guy that you don't think is cute.

 

Besides...if it were the truth. Why come here? Why ask for a way to say something that is the truth? If all you are saying is the truth then just say "Sorry, you're not my type" or "I'm flattered but not interested".

 

Anything else is far from the truth. Adding on that little "I'm not ready to date yet" bit is just some fluff women use to make themselves feel better about what they say. Even though you think by saying it you make the other person feel better, you are really only doing it to make yourself feel better.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It's not the truth, you said so yourself. You said you might change if the right guy came along. That means that you ARE willing to date, just not some guy that you don't think is cute.

 

Besides...if it were the truth. Why come here? Why ask for a way to say something that is the truth? If all you are saying is the truth then just say "Sorry, you're not my type" or "I'm flattered but not interested".

 

Anything else is far from the truth. Adding on that little "I'm not ready to date yet" bit is just some fluff women use to make themselves feel better about what they say. Even though you think by saying it you make the other person feel better, you are really only doing it to make yourself feel better.

The key is whether she is telling the truth.

 

The "I'm not ready to date" should never be used when she really means "I'm not ready to date unless you are hot enough".

 

I've been told by someone "I don't have time for dating" but they continued to log in to the onoine dating continually. :mad:

 

As much as men have trouble reading women, they can usually see through fake excuses.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Why? What's the difference? The bottom line is they're not interested.

 

I, for one, could never just tell someone "I'm not interested" without a reason...unless they were rude. It takes guts to ask someone out and I could never shoot someone nice down like that.

Men can often pick up when they are being fed crap. It can be done in a truthful way without being mean.

 

You can give a reason as long as it's true. I don't really need one, but there's nothing wrong with giving one.

 

If saying "I'm not ready to date yet" when you mean "I don't want to date YOU" is considered "fluff" by some then so be it. I think the latter is just down and out rude.

Lying is down and out rude. There's many nicer ways to say "I don't want to date YOU" without lying such as "you have a lot to offer but we are not a good match".

Link to post
Share on other sites
Oh and I did want to add something. You can tell a LOT about a guy by how he reacts to your saying "I'm not ready to date yet. I just got out of a relationship." I said this to the last guy who asked me out. I meant it. He said he understood and wouldn't mind just being friends. Worked for him! We're happily married now. ;)

I usually wish her good luck in finding love and never hear from her again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

When face to face with a guy - and I'm not interested in anything other than friends... can anyone suggest polite and friendly ways to say 'thanks but no thanks'

 

I don't understand...what's so unfriendly or impolite about saying "I'm not interested"...?:confused:

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's not the truth, you said so yourself. You said you might change if the right guy came along. That means that you ARE willing to date, just not some guy that you don't think is cute.

 

Why exactly should she date someone she doesn't think is cute? Why should anyone go out with someone they find physically unattractive?

 

Really I think what she meant was that she isn't actively looking to date, but if someone blew her socks of chemistry wise, she would go out with him. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

I think this is a hard question because no one likes being turned down. There are basically two options: the white lie (I'm not ready to date/Pretend to have a boyfriend) or no with no softening the blow (I'm not interested).

 

You really can't do the white lie with anyone you see regularly. If a coworker or friend of a friend asks you out and you say no because you're not ready, he's going to know it is a lie when you start dating someone else or he will hold out hope. I'll admit to using the white lie with guys I won't see again like a waiter or a guy who comes up to me at a bus stop, it might not be the best plan in some people's eyes, but it lets him save face.

 

The one risk of not interested is that the guy will be a huge jerk about it. "Oh, I'm not good enough for you? Are you waiting for a millionaire male model?" Blah, blah, blah. It is rare, but when it happens it sucks.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would just be honest. I don't have many chances to turn women down, but when it comes up, I tell them the truth.

 

For example, I told one girl that I liked her, but due to the circumstance (that I am not going to get into) I didn't see any kind of relationship coming out of it. She understood and we still talk as friends.

 

Another time I told a girl that I met someone else that I really liked and didn't feel comfortable meeting other people at this time and she understood. This was the truth as well.

 

You can tell the truth without coming off as a jerk or a bitch. Of course there are still going to be people that get pissed, but at the same time the same amount of people will be pissed for getting a lame excuse from you.

 

I suggest just being honest.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thermometer
Agree 100% with That Girl. Well said. And yes, I've had the experience where the guy was jerk and couldn't take no for an answer. Who needs that?

 

I'm talking about that in another thread too. It's so annoying. You say politely "Sorry, I'm not interested" and they go nuts and get so upset. Get over it. You're a grown ass man!

Link to post
Share on other sites
:laugh: I know, right? And it always would come out of left field and be a shock to me. Of course after that, you're like "phew, dodged a bullet on that one!" I mean, don't they know that when they act like that it just further confirms that the decision to turn them down was the right one? I always felt badly about the ones I turned down but were real gentlemen about it.

 

I can't speak for everyone, but I know I am not a jerk when someone breaks it off with me or whatever. I bet that these guys that bitch when you break it off would do the same thing if you told them a lie. Some people just have anger issues.

 

The point is just be honest and you'll feel better about yourself. I know that's the case for me. I'm not a jerk and I feel bad when I have to break it off with someone, but I'm honest about it and I feel better knowing that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thermometer
:laugh: I know, right? And it always would come out of left field and be a shock to me. Of course after that, you're like "phew, dodged a bullet on that one!" I mean, don't they know that when they act like that it just further confirms that the decision to turn them down was the right one? I always felt badly about the ones I turned down but were real gentlemen about it.

 

Yeah, exactly.

 

I was dating this one guy for a few months, not exclusive or anything, just seeing each other. Anyway, he started being really clingy and I just got the feeling things weren't going to work out. I put it off, and then I finally told him. It went okay at first and I thought "okay, phew" and then he goes..."You know what? Your commitment to human rights is really too much. Like it's crazy. You seem so inflexible when it comes to human rights and I really can't stand it. It's so ridiculous and I'm glad you dumped me."

 

Like WTF? Why are you coming out of here with that? It wasn't going to work out....there's no need to throw insults. I didn't, I just said I wasn't feeling it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thermometer
I can't speak for everyone, but I know I am not a jerk when someone breaks it off with me or whatever. I bet that these guys that bitch when you break it off would do the same thing if you told them a lie. Some people just have anger issues.

 

The point is just be honest and you'll feel better about yourself. I know that's the case for me. I'm not a jerk and I feel bad when I have to break it off with someone, but I'm honest about it and I feel better knowing that.

 

These guys are just insecure. I mean yeah, it's not theoretically nice to lie someone, but why do you owe some random guy the truth anyway? Besides, if someone lies to you, you don't want to be with them. And what's so bad about telling a white lie to not hurt someone's feelings? If you tell a white lie to cover it up, you'll get "in trouble" for telling a lie. If you say pointe blank, "I'm not interested", he'll go crazy and insult you. I had a guy tell me I was an immature b*tch who would never have a boyfriend because I didn't give him a chance. I don't understand all of this "you have to give me a chance" stuff. Guys don't give every girl a chance and we don't owe it to every guy to give them a chance. If we don't feel it, there's no need to prolong it...same with a guy. If he doesn't feel it, he doesn't need to prolong it either.

 

I don't have the best self-esteem in the world, but if a guy isn't interested, I know there's no need to take it personally. I don't want to be with a guy I have to convince to be interested in me in the first place.

Link to post
Share on other sites
These guys are just insecure. I mean yeah, it's not theoretically nice to lie someone, but why do you owe some random guy the truth anyway? Besides, if someone lies to you, you don't want to be with them. And what's so bad about telling a white lie to not hurt someone's feelings? If you tell a white lie to cover it up, you'll get "in trouble" for telling a lie. If you say pointe blank, "I'm not interested", he'll go crazy and insult you. I had a guy tell me I was an immature b*tch who would never have a boyfriend because I didn't give him a chance. I don't understand all of this "you have to give me a chance" stuff. Guys don't give every girl a chance and we don't owe it to every guy to give them a chance. If we don't feel it, there's no need to prolong it...same with a guy. If he doesn't feel it, he doesn't need to prolong it either.

 

I don't have the best self-esteem in the world, but if a guy isn't interested, I know there's no need to take it personally. I don't want to be with a guy I have to convince to be interested in me in the first place.

 

I don't know what to tell you. I just know how I feel on the subject. If I go out there and put myself on the line by showing interest in a girl, I expect them to at least be honest with me. Just as if a girl puts herself out there and shows interest in me, I am honest with them if I don't feel the same way.

 

You don't have to be blunt and say someone is too fat or too ugly or something, but I think you need to be honest and at least tell them that you don't have that level of interest in them. I treat people the way that I want to be treated... with respect... no matter how long I've known them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thermometer
I don't know what to tell you. I just know how I feel on the subject. If I go out there and put myself on the line by showing interest in a girl, I expect them to at least be honest with me. Just as if a girl puts herself out there and shows interest in me, I am honest with them if I don't feel the same way.

 

You don't have to be blunt and say someone is too fat or too ugly or something, but I think you need to be honest and at least tell them that you don't have that level of interest in them. I treat people the way that I want to be treated... with respect... no matter how long I've known them.

 

but by everyone's line of reasoning, that's not NICE! You have to tell her she's fat and ugly or it's just not honest! Please....

 

Honestly though, how many women have you had throw a tantrum at you and insult you for not being interested?

Link to post
Share on other sites
but by everyone's line of reasoning, that's not NICE! You have to tell her she's fat and ugly or it's just not honest! Please....

 

Honestly though, how many women have you had throw a tantrum at you and insult you for not being interested?

 

If I told someone I wasn't interested and told them some of the reasons and they asked me if it was their looks or something else, I honestly would tell them the truth. I would feel really bad about it, but I would feel obligated to tell them the truth. That's just the way I am. At the same time, I am going to let someone have their dignity and not just totally pick them apart when breaking up with them, but if they really want to know, I'm not going to tell them "it's not you, it's me" or whatever crap people say.

 

How many women have thrown tantrums at me? I can't say that I remember any. It could be that I am completely honest and sincere with them and they respect that or it could just be that I haven't dated any psychos yet. Some people can't take being rejected and lash out to make themselves feel better. Don't take it personally.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Gero, let me ask you this then. What would you say if a girl asked you out who you were totally not attracted to. What would you tell her?

 

I don't know how I would react to that because it hasn't come across, but I have had a somewhat similar example.

 

I met a girl online that contacted me first. We talked and had a lot in common. It wasn't until later that I saw some pictures of her and I knew that she wasn't the type that I go for, but having talked to her and gotten along with her, I figured that I would at least give her a chance. I ended up meeting her and going on a date. Things went okay, but there were other things about her that I knew I didn't like in someone that I would be dating so I told her how I felt a few days later.

 

I'm sorry if I don't have a satisfactory answer for you, but I just don't have a lot of experience. I'm not perfect, but I prefer to be honest. That's just how I am. Sorry if you don't understand that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Gero, let me ask you this then. What would you say if a girl asked you out who you were totally not attracted to. What would you tell her?

 

I can answer that.

 

"I'm flattered, thank you, but I'm not interested."

 

It's not hard to be honest. If anyone asks "why" then they have insecurity issues. There's no reason to explain yourself in those cases. Yes you will have some people turn around and berate you for "declining them". Those same people would have berated you regardless of how the answer was delivered.

Link to post
Share on other sites
And...how's that workin' for ya?;) I'm serious. Because it sure worked for my husband.:laugh: And I was really telling the truth too. I really didn't feel ready since I was merely days out of a relationship. But he SO impressed me because he was so different than anyone else. What you would do is what most men probably would do. I didn't want a man who was like most men. And I sure didn't get one!

It's not working at all for me. "Most men" have had much more success than I have had at dating.

 

I don't believe any of the women I've dated have ever ever been open to friendship. If I tried asking for friendship, I'd think she would get offended and assume I was asking for friendship only in order to sleep with her. I'd never do such a thing, but many many men do it all the time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ever heard of a white lie? I think your example is not very good. I'd never say that. It's presumptuous and arrogant IMO.

I've heard of a white lie. When I'm talking to a woman after a few minutes she will suddenly have to go and she says she'll call me back in a few mintues. It's a white lie used so often that I almost expect never to hear from her again.

 

I just don't like when a woman that I'm emailing or talking to for awhile tells me "I am not dating" when they are obviously not telling me the truth.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm sorry to hear that Gamma. And yeah, at first I thought it was a "line" too but as I got to know him more and talk to him more it became clear that he was sincere. And that was it for me. I was a goner!

 

But really, you have nothing to lose by asking you know? If the woman says no, what have you lost by asking?

 

Also you said most men have had more success than you and that "many, many men" ask for a friendship all the time...see the connection?

I'm fearful of a "worse than no" response like her being upset that I even asked the question. I've never tried asking so I don't know.

 

Maybe I should try the same response you suggested next time and see what happens.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ok, you don't know what a white lie is. Saying you're going to call back in a few minutes and then NOT calling back is not a white lie. That's just an out and out lie.

 

So would it be better if she told you "I'm sorry but I'm just not attracted to you?" I don't get any of this. Would that make you feel better? What's the difference what she says if she's just not interested.

I always take white lie to mean a "small lie". I've only spent a few minutes talking to her in my example so it doesn't seem huge when she doesn't call back. The lie seems smaller to me. It seems not much bigger than the common "you look nice in that outfit" lie that men often tell their wives or girlfriends.

 

The "I'm not attracted" is implied. I wish she would say "I'm not intested" or "I found someone else" or "we're not a good match". Maybe I'm too sensitive over everything. I always feel when I get turned down there may not be another chance for a very long time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
"I'm flattered by your interest and you seem like a nice guy but I only just broke up with my boyfriend a week ago and I'm not ready to date yet. I hope you understand."

 

That should work.

 

This won't work. He'll just keep you in mind for when he thinks enough time has passed to try again :o. If you're seriously not interested -like at all- then something more definite like a "thank you but i'm not interested" might be better. You don't owe any more explanation beyond that really. That's your business.;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...