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Professor-Student Relationship


lov3_5pell

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lov3_5pell

I'm so glad I stumbled on this site. I've been lurking around and reading old threads about this "issue". This is going to be a long post, I'm hoping someone (someones, if I'm lucky) will read it and give me some feedback. So here I go:

 

I'm more of the closed-minded person when it comes to romance, but I can't help but feel "something" when we talk and email each other. Anyway, I'm a student and he is a professor, obviously. I just got done taking a class with him and I do NOT plan on taking anymore classes with him because he doesn't teach what is required for my major or minor. I guess I'm a little iffy on how he feels, but I can't help but feel that maybe he's interested too. The semester is now ending, and I'm waiting to reply back to his email because I don't want him to think that I'm emailing him, or showing interest, only for a better grade. I won't lie, and hopefully this won't sound cocky, but I'm pretty smart and I've always studied constantly to get the grades I deserve.

 

Anyway, everytime we've talked in person, he has initiated the conversation. Everytime we talk, he always lowers his voice so only the two of us can hear the conversation, even though we're not talking about hitting up a hotel together. But he always smiles and listens when I talk and he remembers everything. I noticed that he would look at me in class more often and smile and sometimes when I would catch him looking at me, he'd just look nervously down. I guess, I have never found a man to be as interesting as him because he seems very genuine--the way he talks and looks at me. (You can tell when a person looks at you while you're talking that he's genuinely interested, you know?) And I know he's about 18 years older than me, but I just don't know. I want to talk to him and meet up with him for coffee to see where things go, but I don't want things to end up badly for him. I know, as a student, I don't have much to lose. And I don't want to jeopardize his career, because after all, he's worked his whole life to get to this point and I would hate to be the person who's ruined it for him. I just feel like maybe he is interested, but is keeping his distance because he is a professor and I am still a student. And I feel awkward for having feelings for my professor. There's more to the story, but I didn't want get into too many details. But I know he's not married. We have common interests and there's just something about the way he talks to me and looks at me that makes me think he is interested. I guess, I just don't know what to do and I'm hoping for you, my friend, to give me some advice.

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TheBigQuestion

Now I remember why it was one of my dream jobs to be a professor. :p Almost came true too.

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Well, I'm a new college Professor so I can sort of give you his side of the story.

 

How hard is it to become a college professor? Insanely hard (especially at a University). How dangerous is it to have romantic relations with your student? Insanely dangerous. Most colleges have a "no dating students" policy.

 

This guy has worked his whole life to get to this point and probably gave up many girls he liked just so he could dedicate himself to his work. If you want to go after him after you graduate, then that's a different story. But Professors dating their own students can get them in alot of trouble, or at least get fellow professors raising their eyebrows. I wouldn't date one of my students while she was still at the college, to me that's a death wish. I don't care how hot she is, I like my job :).

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lov3_5pell
Well, I'm a new college Professor so I can sort of give you his side of the story.

 

This guy has worked his whole life to get to this point and probably gave up many girls he liked just so he could dedicate himself to his work. If you want to go after him after you graduate, then that's a different story. But Professors dating their own students can get them in alot of trouble, or at least get fellow professors raising their eyebrows. I wouldn't date one of my students while she was still at the college, to me that's a death wish. I don't care how hot she is, I like my job :).

 

 

Thank you for giving your input since you're a professor--although everyone else's was just as appreciated. :) And I think I will wait, I feel like that would be the right thing to do. But would it be wrong, to drop some hints, or just wait for these last two years to go by? Well, 1 1/2.

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Thank you for giving your input since you're a professor--although everyone else's was just as appreciated. :) And I think I will wait, I feel like that would be the right thing to do. But would it be wrong, to drop some hints, or just wait for these last two years to go by? Well, 1 1/2.

 

I don't know what advice to give, but if you decide what to do, tell us.

 

Y'know, it's really a difficult situation for you both. If he likes you too, it must be hell for him too. Single university profs are in quite the position to come upon similar minded intelligent females. Still, there will always be the perception of the "establishment" that, if he genuinely is interested in one of his former students, then he is "breaking the rules," even if he has gone out of his way to do his professional best for all concerned.

 

I don't know. IF your marks are in, and he has treated you equally as any other student of his (and if he is a professional, yes it is VERY possible to do so) then it's a bit of a pickle. You should say how much you appreciate him in SOME way, so that even if you both feel the same way and are willing to wait for a couple yrs., then you won't have "left each other hanging." Still for all, I wonder ... sometimes we can be fooled about how deep someone really sees us ... we've all been there. ... and that sucks big time when we come to realize ...

 

Let us know how it turns out, anyways.

 

Curt

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prettybaby

Wait until you graduate and try to stay in touch in the mean time. Don't cut contact now, and don't initiate anything now. You basically want to keep things flowing to where you'll be able to ask him out for coffee after you're out of college, without it being awkward. Even then, you'll have to take things slow. Because you can't jump into second gear right after graduation. People will think it started before you graduated, and you don't want to put him into that kind of bad position. You're basically gonna have to be very patient, take it slow, and always keep in touch so he doesn't forget you exist. But most important: don't let other chances pass in the mean time. You wouldn't want to pass on a great guy, just because you were too focussed on a professor crush.

 

 

Anyway, I'm with my ex-teacher. We've been together for a year and a half now and we're talking marriage. We only started dating 7 years after I graduated, so needless to say that you can focus on your life first. It's not because nothing happens now, that nothing can happen later. That being said, I would try to find out why he's still single at his age. And you also need to really think about how you'd feel about being with someone that much older than you. In our case, the age difference is slightly smaller (14 years), and I still get emotional when I realize we're not very likely to ever celebrate our 50th anniversary.

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Hmm, I do know that many colleges have a "no dating students" policy, but I thought there were some that only prohibited it when a student is a current student of a professor. If it's possible, you might want to check out the policy to see which way it goes. If your school goes by the latter rule, then I say contact him after your grades are in.

 

I have a friend my age (23) who got involved with one of her former professors, and he's literally twice her age. They got married almost 2 years ago and have a child together. I don't know if they started dating when she was still one of his students. I do know there were rumors, but they got through it. They're very happy together and make a lovely couple. So you never know. Good luck :)

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lov3_5pell
I don't know what advice to give, but if you decide what to do, tell us.

 

I don't know. IF your marks are in, and he has treated you equally as any other student of his (and if he is a professional, yes it is VERY possible to do so) then it's a bit of a pickle. You should say how much you appreciate him in SOME way, so that even if you both feel the same way and are willing to wait for a couple yrs., then you won't have "left each other hanging." Still for all, I wonder ... sometimes we can be fooled about how deep someone really sees us ... we've all been there. ... and that sucks big time when we come to realize ...

 

Let us know how it turns out, anyways.

 

Curt

 

Curt, the grades are in. They were officially in sometime this morning. But I saw the grading for our final exam, and I must say, he's definitely being professional about it. Because he didn't favor me by giving me all the points. And I will be sure to let you, all of you, know what happens. But as of now, I'm still not sure. And I'm so glad that you said that. I do want to let him know, some way or form, so that I wouldn't be leaving him hanging for the next couple of years. And I do think that's why I'm a little afraid to do or say anything because maybe I'm reading these signs all the wrong way, given the circumstances that he's my professor, makes me think that maybe he's trying to be a little hush-hush. But the only way to find out is to ask.

 

 

@ prettybaby, thanks for letting me know that you're with an ex-teacher. That makes me feel less weird about having feelings for a professor. And I wish you all the love and blessing you both deserve and ought to have. :)

 

@ tigressA, that's what I thought, too; I've heard many places have the no-dating-current-student-rule but I go to a private university and I'm not really sure how or what the policy is like here, nor do I know how to find out.

 

Hm, like earlier stated, the grades are in, but I think I'm going to email him tomorrow or some time tonight. I need to think about this and think about what I want to say, and more importantly, how I say it.

 

THANKS everyone for all the feedback. This is a great forum, where has it been all my life?? :p

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Any updates?

 

Oh Curt, I wish more was happening, but we've emailed each other a few times over the summer. I know I shouldn't over do anything, especially for his sake. I think it's really self-fish of me to put myself out there--if he feels the same way--because I don't want things to get out of hand and have things work out badly for him. I'm trying to show him subtly that I'm interested...nothing drastic. But hopefully he'll get the hints. I really took into consideration what you said earlier about "leaving each other hanging..." That's the last thing I want to do. And I'm so confused as to what to do and how to feel. I know he's not going to ask me for coffee or anything, and I'm going to have to do that...but I'm afraid it'll turn out badly for him.

 

I definitely the connection and his vibes, but if it's meant to be, then waiting 2 years will not be a problem.

 

Thanks for asking, Curt!

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Hmm, I do know that many colleges have a "no dating students" policy, but I thought there were some that only prohibited it when a student is a current student of a professor. If it's possible, you might want to check out the policy to see which way it goes. If your school goes by the latter rule, then I say contact him after your grades are in.

 

My school didn't have the no-fraternization blanket rule. You couldn't date someone in your class, but that was it. Mostly, a lot of colleges won't have the blanket rule due to Grad Student-teaching issues. A lot of the "professors" at my college were either graduate students themselves or younger adjuncts (not all, but enough), so it was fairly natural they'd be dating other grad students, in other programs, or even potentially undergraduates. Loads were. The tenured professors in my program were all rather old (I'm talking closer to 60s than anything) and married, so I don't think they were dating anyone. But loads of my friends were folks who taught freshman English because I worked on the literary magazine. I dated a fellow who was technically a "professor" (not just a TA, as he actually was the professor of record for his freshman English classes, a thesis-pending grad student) a few times, senior year of college.

 

So, I agree: Check the rules at your college. (It may be a bit iffy to some that you were in his class, though, and he might not care for it on that level too.)

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This kind of man would make me go weak at the knees. I totally get the attraction. I think the age difference between the two of you is too much, though. If he asks you out, it's your decision as to what to do. If he doesn't, then leave it alone.

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So, I agree: Check the rules at your college. (It may be a bit iffy to some that you were in his class, though, and he might not care for it on that level too.)

I checked, there are no rules at my college. Thank the Lord! But still, I don't want to risk anything, I don't want to put him into a bad situation. I like him. He's a nice guy and I respect him. I can't give in to my own selfishness.

 

 

This kind of man would make me go weak at the knees. I totally get the attraction. I think the age difference between the two of you is too much, though. If he asks you out, it's your decision as to what to do. If he doesn't, then leave it alone.

He does make me go weak at the knees...and the heart. I never thought I'd be interested in a man this much older than me; I've come to realize that it just happens and my heart is falling for a man 17 years older than me. And I don't think he'll be asking me out, I know he's into me the way I'm into him, but like I said earlier, I'll let him know I'm interested and I'm willing to wait until I leave the college...because I care too much about his career than to let my feelings get in the way.

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