Dad Abandoned Me, First Love Suddenly Ended Friendship, 2nd Love Retracted I Love You

[VelveteenBunny]

As a child, I thought my father and I had a great relationship- until he suddenly cut off all contact with me without a goodbye or explanation. I can only conclude that he never really loved me, though he sure had me fooled for awhile there. When I lost him, I lost contact with his side of my family.

 

Later, I fell in love for the first time, with a guy who made a model boyfriend. However, circumstances were not ideal, and for all that we had going for us, much was stacked against us. In the end, after years of dating, being best friends, becoming really close, and getting attached to each other's families and one another, he broke up with me. We remained friends for about 8 months post breakup. The last time I saw him he said he loved me, acted like we were still friends and said we'd talk and hang out later. I understand why he decided to stop talking to me, but it still sucked. He never responded to my attempts to contact him after that, and he never contacted me again. At first, I lost contact with his family, as well, but I am in touch with some of them again.

 

Since him, I have noticed I have this pattern of dating or "talking to" men who are flaky, wishy washy, run hot and cold, are unstable, disappear for periods of time, are prone to abandoning me, put other women before me (I suspect Dad's wife might have had something to do with us being apart, as a side note), experience emotional blunting, are incapable of loving me, and who are not suited to monogamy.

 

I fell in love again, but this man hasn't said he loves me after more than 2 years of being together romantically. He came close twice and took it back both times. He also broke up with me, reconciled, then got cold feet a month after reconciling and tried to act like we'd never gotten back together. He apologized though, and said we were together and he wanted to be with me. At this point, I have lost all hope of him saying he loves me. It's sad to say that. I wanted to be loved by him.

 

Another guy I dated in the past, that I am now friends with again, told me recently that when he told me he loved me (when we used to date), he didn't, but he had cared about me a lot. Then he turned around a day or two later and said that was a lie- he had loved me.

 

Another guy that I casually talked to has twice stopped talking to me, even as a friend, when his on again off again gf comes back into the pic. without any explanations or goodbyes. I don't mind so much with him since I never was in love with him or super attached to him, but I am sick of this pattern.

 

I am starting to think it's me. I feel undeserving, unlovable, not good enough.

[Bejita463]

I am starting to think it's me.

 

Partially. Perhaps you should be evaluating the types of guys you are going for, and what things might be contributing to this trend. Beyond that, the majority of people are flaky, and that is not necessarily a reflection on you. You're choosing the wrong ones, and the best move you could make is to try to figure out why.

 

I would start with why you even accept this behavior to begin with. These guys toy with you and you stick around. Why?

[VelveteenBunny]

Bejita,

 

Thanks for replying. Perhaps I subconsciously go for this sort of man, but I didn't have a choice with Dad. Plus, my first love wasn't originally this way. He was an amazing boyfriend for years. The disappearing act wasn't what I'd have predicted. Between my first and second love, I didn't evaluate men the way I normally do. I wanted casual, open, and emotionally uninvolved. Still, even in fwb, extreme flakiness is unacceptable. With my second love, I had feelings for him when we were just friends and I didn't realize how he would behave as a romantic partner. When I found out he was interested, I was already emotionally involved.

 

I tolerate it because he's brought me a lot of happiness, he and the relationship have many wonderful qualities, and I love him. Yet, he and the relationship also have major, painful, limiting and destructive flaws. This isn't unusual.

 

I like very few people seriously, and if I left everyone who acted this way, I'd be lonely most if not all of my life. Plus, I'm beginning to think, it doesn't get better, anyway.

[Lipsy10]

First of all your Dad leaving had nothing to do with you. Thousands of men lose contact with their children after breaking up with their mothers, please don't take it personally (easier said I know).

 

Secondly we ALL get dumped at one point or another, its a fact of life. So remember your not the only one to be rejected by someone they love/loved.

 

Thirdly I can't beleive your letting this new love mess you around like this. 2 years and still no I love you. If he hasn't said it by now he never will. And if he doesn't love you why is he still with you?! Killing time until something better comes along?!?

 

You deserve soooo much better than that. Dump him before you waste anymore time, energy, emotion on this loser. You will find a decent guy eventually but raise your standards and your self esteem. You deserve nothing but the best so don't accept anything less