Fell in love with a friend.

[Kaplan]

I had this unhappy situation with a girl recently, and I thought it might to be fun to ask some strangers what they thought of it.

 

Basically, I fell in love with my friend (who had a boyfriend,) and I told her how I felt (because I'm an idiot,) and she basically decided that we can't be friends anymore. I only knew her for a few months, but I had thought that we were close enough that she could handle finding out how I felt about her. Obviously, I was mistaken.

 

We were better friends than you might think, though, after knowing each other for just a few months. Even before I ended up having feelings for her I was really excited to know her. I would have thought that we would be friends for years. Maybe even "best friends."

 

I also think it's important to note that I didn't have feelings for her to start with. I didn't get to know her thinking I would end up like this. I wasn't pretending to be her friend so I could get with her or anything like that. I think that would make me a jerk (although maybe I am a jerk anyway, that's one of my questions.)

 

Also, her boyfriend doesn't treat her right. I think that's important, because if I wanted her to go through a needless break-up that would be selfish of me. I saw her go through the pain of a break-up a couple of times because of this guy. In contrast, I'm pretty much the greatest guy ever -- I even have lots of modesty!

 

Oh, and most importantly, I never did anything. I never tried to kiss her; I never asked her out on a date or anything. I just told her how I felt, and at that same time, I told her I wasn't going to do anything about it.

 

Anyway, after I realized I was never going to see her again, I cried for four days for some reason. And I don't mean that the last time I cried about it was four days later. I still cry sometimes. I mean that I started crying and didn't stop crying for four days. I would go to bed crying, and wake up crying. It's hilarious to think about it actually.

 

So here are my questions:

 

1. I developed some incredibly strong feelings for this girl after only a short amount of time. That's never happened to me before. Does that mean that whatever drew me to her was really great? or just really stupid? Part of me thinks I went a little bit insane.

 

2. Was it right of her to turn her back on our friendship? She said it made her feel guilty and wouldn't give any more of an explanation. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me because even I haven't done anything to feel guilty about, in my opinion. It's just feelings, and they're my feelings not hers. How can she feel guilty about my feelings? Part of me thinks maybe she's right though. Maybe it would be wrong of her to stay friends with me. I just can't imagine ever doing that to a friend. Part of me thinks that maybe we weren't as good of friends as I thought. She told me we were, but I think she might have lied to be nice.

 

3. Finally, am I a jerK? The way things ended, I can't help but feel like I've done something wrong.

 

Anyway, I'd love to hear a stranger's perspective, if anyone made it this far.

[BG1985]

In her eyes, you ruined the friendship by confessing your love for her. She's actually doing you a favor. If you're in love with this girl and continue to hang out wit her, you will torture yourself. You can't be legitimate friends with someone you love.

[Kaplan]

In her eyes, you ruined the friendship by confessing your love for her. She's actually doing you a favor. If you're in love with this girl and continue to hang out wit her, you will torture yourself. You can't be legitimate friends with someone you love.

 

I don't know. I guess that's how she sees it. That's what I was thinking when she first told me what she decided. I think I even said, "it's probably for the best." I know I apologized for ruining our friendship. But later, I realized that I wouldn't act the same way if one of my friends said she was in love with me. And now I tend to think that it was her who ruined the friendship.

 

The thing that tortures me now is that I keep looking back and thinking of how much better it would be if I never mentioned it. I wanted so badly to be a part of her life even before I fell in love with her. I really wish I didn't have feelings for her. I wish so badly that I could just be her friend and love her in a way that doesn't make her uncomfortable.

 

Part of me wants her to tell me that she never even valued my friendship, so I could just delete her number and start trying to forget her. I don't know though.

[xRJ85x]

I don't know. I guess that's how she sees it. That's what I was thinking when she first told me what she decided. I think I even said, "it's probably for the best." I know I apologized for ruining our friendship. But later, I realized that I wouldn't act the same way if one of my friends said she was in love with me. And now I tend to think that it was her who ruined the friendship.

 

The thing that tortures me now is that I keep looking back and thinking of how much better it would be if I never mentioned it. I wanted so badly to be a part of her life even before I fell in love with her. I really wish I didn't have feelings for her. I wish so badly that I could just be her friend and love her in a way that doesn't make her uncomfortable.

 

Part of me wants her to tell me that she never even valued my friendship, so I could just delete her number and start trying to forget her. I don't know though.

 

As someone who's going through this exact thing right now, long distance no less, I can tell you it's a good thing she ended it there. She didn't dig a hole for both of you by not reacting, or giving you some non-directional answer. It was neither of your fault, you can't help how you feel about someone.

 

I just wrote in a letter to my close friend of 3 1/2 years the other day about how I felt, and she gave me a middle of the road answer with "That was really sweet." Since she's very stressed with finishing up the last month of school, I told her I didn't wanna pressure her and would talk about it more after she graduated. Either she's confused about how she feels after reading it, which is good. Or she doesn't know how to tell me she doesn't feel the same, which is bad. And not just on my part but her's as well, because she knows that I'm sitting here hurting over it. And every day that passes makes it hurt more, which contradicts her caring about me. There should be little enough to no pressure on a girl to respond if she doesn't care enough to give it a shot. So as much as it hurts, be thankful she didn't let it ride out. It was best for both of you.

[Kaplan]

That's what I thought at first. I thought, "I'm never going to be with her. I'm better off whining about it for a bit now and then moving on." But this girl is more to me than just someone that I want to be with. The part of me that wants to be her friend is screaming at me for destroying our friendship, and the part of me that wants to be with her is just as angry at me because I've ruined any chance of being with her.

 

I feel like if she had said, "I don't love you, but I still care about you as a friend," it would be just as easy to get over her as it is now.

 

A big part of me wishes I could get over her and then go on to being her friend again. But I guess you must be able to relate to that since you've known your girl for twelve times as long as I've known mine.

 

It's really hard though, to know that the whole relationship is over.

[xRJ85x]

That's what I thought at first. I thought, "I'm never going to be with her. I'm better off whining about it for a bit now and then moving on." But this girl is more to me than just someone that I want to be with. The part of me that wants to be her friend is screaming at me for destroying our friendship, and the part of me that wants to be with her is just as angry at me because I've ruined any chance of being with her.

 

I feel like if she had said, "I don't love you, but I still care about you as a friend," it would be just as easy to get over her as it is now.

 

A big part of me wishes I could get over her and then go on to being her friend again. But I guess you must be able to relate to that since you've known your girl for twelve times as long as I've known mine.

 

It's really hard though, to know that the whole relationship is over.

 

That's what makes it so much harder than just some chick you went out with for a few weeks and she decided it wasn't going great. Just before I graduated a couple years ago, I had a friends with benefits thing going on, and I took that really hard when she broke it off. Funny how that feels nothing like the situation you and are are talking about. It's one thing if the girl is just someone you met and are trying to build up with, but it's a whole different feeling for someone you've deeply cared about for a while, because you always feel like you should be with her not just for the sake of being happy yourself, but you knowing that you make her happy as well. So it kills you when you sit there and wonder "We have so much fun, why the hell doesn't she feel the same way!?!"

 

That's what's been making it so hard for me. I could simply ignore the fact she's going through a ton of stress right now, and say "I'm putting my foot down, I want an answer now!" That would obviously be selfish. But I'm really concerned about her own being right now, and it hurts just knowing that where she was once someone who always came to me for support, she isn't now and there's nothing I can even initiate to help her with besides sending little things here and there to make her smile.

 

I wish you a speedy recovery, I can't vouch for how long it's gonna take because, obviously, I haven't gotten closure yet haha. But I'm afraid it's gonna take a lot longer to get over. It's essentially the same as breaking up as if you had been in a long relationship, because you care deeply about the other person, not just feeling bad that you didn't win some girl over.

[Kaplan]

That's what makes it so much harder than just some chick you went out with for a few weeks and she decided it wasn't going great. Just before I graduated a couple years ago, I had a friends with benefits thing going on, and I took that really hard when she broke it off. Funny how that feels nothing like the situation you and are are talking about. It's one thing if the girl is just someone you met and are trying to build up with, but it's a whole different feeling for someone you've deeply cared about for a while, because you always feel like you should be with her not just for the sake of being happy yourself, but you knowing that you make her happy as well. So it kills you when you sit there and wonder "We have so much fun, why the hell doesn't she feel the same way!?!"

 

That's what's been making it so hard for me. I could simply ignore the fact she's going through a ton of stress right now, and say "I'm putting my foot down, I want an answer now!" That would obviously be selfish. But I'm really concerned about her own being right now, and it hurts just knowing that where she was once someone who always came to me for support, she isn't now and there's nothing I can even initiate to help her with besides sending little things here and there to make her smile.

 

I wish you a speedy recovery, I can't vouch for how long it's gonna take because, obviously, I haven't gotten closure yet haha. But I'm afraid it's gonna take a lot longer to get over. It's essentially the same as breaking up as if you had been in a long relationship, because you care deeply about the other person, not just feeling bad that you didn't win some girl over.

 

Yeah, that's the thing that kills me. She used to be able to turn to me for comfort and everything. I think that's a big part of why my feelings for her got so serious. I wanted to be someone who could take care of her long term. Now I guess I won't be able to do anything for her.

 

I hope your girl doesn't have a boyfriend who mistreats her. My girl is with this guy who uses her, makes her cry, and probably cheats on her. If he hasn't cheated on her yet he almost certainly will. He's such a jerk, and she is the kind of person who will take almost an infinite amount of abuse.

 

It sucks to see her with a guy like that when I love her so much and I'm so awesome.

[BG1985]

If you're in love with a girl, you can't be a legitimate friend. The only reason you are friends with this girl is because you are hoping that she'll one day realize she's in love with you. The only way a guy and girl can truly be friends is if neither is attracted to the other.

[Kaplan]

If you're in love with a girl, you can't be a legitimate friend. The only reason you are friends with this girl is because you are hoping that she'll one day realize she's in love with you. The only way a guy and girl can truly be friends is if neither is attracted to the other.

 

I've wondered if maybe I only want to be her friend because of my feelings for her. I don't know though; I still care about her the way I did when I didn't have these feelings.

 

I've never had a friend get this way with me, but I can imagine what it would be like. I wouldn't date her or anything, but I think we could still be friends. Eventually she would get over me and we would probably be better friends because of it.

 

Maybe your right though, I don't know.

 

It doesn't matter really because she obviously doesn't think two people can be friends if one of them is in love with the other.

 

It's silly to even worry about at this point because I'll never see her again.

[BG1985]

She doesn't have to get over you because she never had these feelings in the first place. Once again she's doing you a big favor. Do you really want to be around while she's dating other guys? Do you want to be that guy who ruins his friend's relationships because he's jealous? You need to forget about this girl and move on.

[Kaplan]

She doesn't have to get over you because she never had these feelings in the first place. Once again she's doing you a big favor. Do you really want to be around while she's dating other guys? Do you want to be that guy who ruins his friend's relationships because he's jealous? You need to forget about this girl and move on.

 

I know she doesn't have to get over me. I was just saying how I would act if I were in her shoes. I was saying that I wouldn't dissolve the friendship like this and I think it would work out.

 

I'm pretty sure this is something that girls view much differently than guys though.

 

And I wouldn't mess with her relationships. I haven't even done anything to hurt her relationship with her current boyfriend and he's awful.

 

But yeah, I have to get over this girl anyway, because, like I said, I'm never going to see her again. And it sucks that the friendship is ruined, but she obviously didn't care about the friendship as much as me anyway.

 

I've been getting better fast though. I'm a ridiculously happy person, characteristically. At this point, my unhappiness at how things ended with this girl is beginning to be overshadowed by the happiness of finding out that I'm capable of feeling this strongly about somebody. I mean the way I feel about her is awesome. I would do anything for her. I know now that there's nothing I want more in life than to feel this way about somebody that I can actually pursue. I think it's cool. Even though, knowing my luck, I'll probably never have feelings like this again.

[xRJ85x]

I know she doesn't have to get over me. I was just saying how I would act if I were in her shoes. I was saying that I wouldn't dissolve the friendship like this and I think it would work out.

 

I'm pretty sure this is something that girls view much differently than guys though.

 

And I wouldn't mess with her relationships. I haven't even done anything to hurt her relationship with her current boyfriend and he's awful.

 

But yeah, I have to get over this girl anyway, because, like I said, I'm never going to see her again. And it sucks that the friendship is ruined, but she obviously didn't care about the friendship as much as me anyway.

 

I've been getting better fast though. I'm a ridiculously happy person, characteristically. At this point, my unhappiness at how things ended with this girl is beginning to be overshadowed by the happiness of finding out that I'm capable of feeling this strongly about somebody. I mean the way I feel about her is awesome. I would do anything for her. I know now that there's nothing I want more in life than to feel this way about somebody that I can actually pursue. I think it's cool. Even though, knowing my luck, I'll probably never have feelings like this again.

 

Wish I had your head hahaha. I'm already clenching my fists in jealousy over any guy who seems like he's trying to get in with her (it's funny really because I'm never jealous once I have the girl). I would be able to go on being friends until she got a boyfriend, then I'd probably lose it.

 

Funny side note, I got a call from "mine" today, just to catch up. I guess she's totally cool with my letter I wrote to her. Or is she..... See!? I don't think I'm gonna last this last month!

[Kaplan]

That's funny. It sounds like your situation will have a happier ending than mine. I mean, if nothing else, at least she's still your friend. My girl probably doesn't even remember me anymore.

[BG1985]

Kaplan, I may have been a bit too harsh with you. Maybe you wouldn't purposely sabotage her relationships, but if my girlfriend constantly got calls/texts from some guy while I was with her, I wouldn't be happy about it. I've been in the situation where I've had a girl who was definitely interested in me while I had absolutely no interest. It's really awkward, and you want to avoid that person. I see where this girl's coming from. Trust me when I tell you that if your female friend, whom you have no attraction for, suddenly falls in love with you, you won't want her hovering around anymore.

[dazzle22]

I don't think you sound like a jerk at all. And you did nothing wrong. You started a friendship and developed feelings for someone who happened to be in a relationship at the time.

 

First of all, she is not married, and I'm not sure how old you are, but I guess in your early 20's? If that is the case, the odds are she will not stay with him. Just the reality of life these days. You never know. You can't say you'll never see her again. Life can take interesting twists.

 

Second, about the attraction, there is a theory called "love maps" by Dr John Money from Johns Hopkins. The theory is that we all develop a 'grid' of what we want in a love relationship based on a very complex composite of all our experiences from about the time we are 5 yrs old, involving parents, crushes, hopes and desires. When we meet someone who really 'fits' that grid, we have kind of an 'aha' moment and things just seem right and 'lock on'.. so no, it is not stupid.

 

The third thing, and this is a hard lesson, never confess to someone that you love them or are in love with them until you totally KNOW they feel the SAME. It never works. It is like showing your entire hand at cards when the game has just started and no one else has even laid down one card. All the best with your process.

[yume]

1. I developed some incredibly strong feelings for this girl after only a short amount of time. That's never happened to me before. Does that mean that whatever drew me to her was really great? or just really stupid? Part of me thinks I went a little bit insane.

 

No, you can't help the way you end up feeling about someone. Sometimes your emotions can't be rationally explained.

 

2. Was it right of her to turn her back on our friendship? She said it made her feel guilty and wouldn't give any more of an explanation. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me because even I haven't done anything to feel guilty about, in my opinion. It's just feelings, and they're my feelings not hers. How can she feel guilty about my feelings?

 

She doesn't want to lead you on by staying friends with you. Since she is unavailable, and won't break up with her current bf, it wouldn't make sense for her to allow you to continue feeling the way you feel about her. She thinks that if she removes herself from your life, you'll stop loving her.

 

3. Finally, am I a jerK? The way things ended, I can't help but feel like I've done something wrong.

 

Well, you're not a jerk, you just...might have been better off not saying anything. I dunno. Nobody in a relationship likes having a nice guy confess to them that they love them, especially when they know they're better than the guy they're dating.

 

I hope this works out for you eventually.

[Kaplan]

I've known girls who wanted me really badly when I wasn't attracted to them, and yeah, it's not all that fun. But if it was a friend it would be different. For me anyway.

 

I definitely wouldn't expect her relationship to last. They haven't been together very long and they already have serious issues. I really hope she doesn't stay with him for long, because she deserves so much better. I don't know why she thinks she can have a lasting relationship with someone she doesn't trust and who's cruel to her. Every guy she's dated has treated her like crap. I wish so badly I could be the first guy to treat her the way she deserves. I sometimes catch myself thinking about whether or not she'll call me when it ends, but I don't think it's healthy to go down that road.

 

And about confessing your love for someone who doesn't feel the same? I definitely agree. Even if she was single I wouldn't have told her the way I did if I had thought about it.

[Kaplan]

Yeah, she mentioned she didn't want to "lead me on." It kind of insulted me actually. I felt like she was rubbing it in that she didn't have feelings for me and at the same time insulting my intelligence by suggesting that I might think she did.

 

I think there's this idea that somebody in my situation won't be able to move on if he's still talking to the girl. I'm not convinced that's true. I tend to think that I'm going to feel this way, suffer for a while, and then move on one way or another. I don't know that it would be any harder if she was still talking to me. I think it would be easier because I wouldn't have the pain and sorrow of losing my friend to cope with at the same time. I guess I'll have to get into the same situation later on with a girl who will stay friends and just compare the experiences.

[xRJ85x]

I don't think you sound like a jerk at all. And

The third thing, and this is a hard lesson, never confess to someone that you love them or are in love with them until you totally KNOW they feel the SAME. It never works. It is like showing your entire hand at cards when the game has just started and no one else has even laid down one card. All the best with your process.

 

This one is a very large shade of gray though. I agree you wanna wait until the right time (i.e. preferably when they feel the same), but if the feelings start to consume you, then you have to say something regardless. And that doesn't always mean you're screwed. It could end up making that other person think about it differently. For example, if a girl and a guy are both best friends, and they're both attractive, and says they feel more, the other may think "Hmmm...why he's both of those things, so why didn't I ever feel that way?" Maybe they won't feel anything at first, but they'd at least give it a shot.

[Kaplan]

Part of me thinks it would have been dishonest to not tell her. It would be like pretending to be her friend in the hopes of getting something more.

 

I definitely shouldn't have told her the way I did though.

[aerogurl87]

In contrast, I'm pretty much the greatest guy ever -- I even have lots of modesty!

 

Sarcasm at it's best.

[BG1985]

It'll be much harder to get over her if you keep hanging out and talking with this girl. That's why you go no contact with ex girlfriends.

[dazzle22]

This one is a very large shade of gray though. I agree you wanna wait until the right time (i.e. preferably when they feel the same), but if the feelings start to consume you, then you have to say something regardless. And that doesn't always mean you're screwed. It could end up making that other person think about it differently. For example, if a girl and a guy are both best friends, and they're both attractive, and says they feel more, the other may think "Hmmm...why he's both of those things, so why didn't I ever feel that way?" Maybe they won't feel anything at first, but they'd at least give it a shot.

 

 

Just my opinion, but I think it is wise to maybe hint at things, or subtely do something to gauge the 'warmth of the waters' before saying anything. Like they say about courtrooms, never ask a defendant a question you don't already know the answer to. Otherwise you can get the 'glove that don't fit'!!

[Kaplan]

I think I agree. I mean, you can't expect to get anywhere just blurting out rubbish about being in love with someone.

 

When I told her how I felt, I wasn't trying to get her to leave her boyfriend for me. I sort of wished she would, but even if they split up I wouldn't think it was right to try to date her right away. She would need time to get over her relationship for one thing. Also, she'd need time to start thinking about me differently. So if it was going to work between us I don't think it would have made sense for her to get with me right away without any gap between the new relationship and the old. And I knew she didn't like me that way. I was pretty sure she liked me as a friend, though. I only told her about my feelings for her because I thought it was the right thing to do.

 

Let me tell the story of how I told her. It's pretty hilarious. Her boyfriend (who is really jealous because he's a cheater and people like that think everyone is a cheater) thought that there was something going on between us. Now you just have to trust me that there wasn't; I know it sounds dodgy coming from the guy who's crazy about her who used to talk to her all the time while she was in a relationship but she is a sweet, pure-souled girl who would do anything for her undeserving boyfriend, and, for my part, I would never in a million years think of asking her to do something wrong. Then again, perhaps the jerk boyfriend had reason to worry since, like I said, I'm crazy about her. She talked to me about the fight they had about me, and I felt really bad about being responsible for an additional difficulty in their relationship, and I just thought it would be best to tell her that I had feelings for her (I had only just realized I had feelings for her.) Anyway, here's the funny part, the way I told her: she said jokingly, "my boyfriend's just afraid you're going to steal me away from him," and then I said, "Well I am pretty tempted to steal you . . . " and then I went on to explain in detail how I felt and emphasized that I wasn't going to do anything about it. One of my biggest regrets in this whole thing is the way I started my monologue by saying that bit about stealing her. Thinking back on that, it makes me laugh really hard and at the same time want to punch myself in the face. I literally can't think of a stupider way to start to tell her how I felt. Also, I remembered a couple days later that, even before I had feelings for her, I had joked around about stealing her from him a few times. I just imagine sometimes that she thinks I was trying to seduce her from the start. What the hell was I thinking!

 

I think it's fun and therapeutic to talk to strangers about this stuff. Or maybe it's the scotch that I inevitably drink while working on the computer. Either way, thanks for the input guys.

[xRJ85x]

Just my opinion, but I think it is wise to maybe hint at things, or subtely do something to gauge the 'warmth of the waters' before saying anything. Like they say about courtrooms, never ask a defendant a question you don't already know the answer to. Otherwise you can get the 'glove that don't fit'!!

 

Oh absolutely. I thought you meant not saying anything at all. I totally agree, you should subtly hint, with the hints getting progressively more obvious. Then if she doesn't get a clue, you obviously have to say something.