Is moving in together a good way of spending more time together?

[Jambalaya]

I posted a while ago about my other half's inability to plan anything date wise and my frustrations. He improved for a while but has been slipping back into old habits and unfortunately I've been facilitating it by doing my usual thing of "there's dinner at so and so's - would you like to come?" "fancy doing the cinema on weds?" "if you're in town on weds, do you fancy..." etc etc

 

I'm making all the plans. Again. And weirdly there's an element of panic involved in this planning - if I don't, I know he won't and then we won't have an activity to do together.

 

Our two year (dating) anniversary is approaching this week and my mind is full of panicked doubts. He hasn't mentioned it once and I stubbornly can't bring myself to plan anything because I believe he should do it without my prompting.

 

He's currently stressed at work as there have been redundancy notices and is filling his time with working on projects he can raise money for, just in case he's next.

 

He lives 2 hours away from me, but works in my town, yet, I rarely see him during the week, because he goes home to work on his projects. When I do see him he's tired and doesn't want to do anything.

 

He got upset the other weekend as I had injured myself and he decided to be manly and say 'right! you're recovering and resting! cancel your plans!' so I did. he spent the weekend with me, but didn't make a single suggestion of alternative plans or ideas of things to do and despite telling me to rest and recover, I ended up cooking, cleaning and suggesting things to do and got cranky. He worries that I think he's boring.

 

I feel I'm turning into a shrew - lets do this, lets do that, why can't we spend time together - and we really don't spend that much time together - 1 night a week and every other weekend. After nearly two years, I expected a little more time by now and the only reason we have those one night and every other weekend slots is because I suggested it. I'm feeling frustrated because even those small slots of time are being cancelled and changed, due to his priorities.

 

As unreasonable as it sounds, I resent him for not being able to do for me what I would do for him without being asked i.e. when injured, sit me down, make me tea, clean up and only relax once he was sure my needs were met. It's what I would do.

 

A friend suggested the best way of spending more time with him would be to just move in together, but to tell you the truth, I don't want to do that until I can be certain that I am a priority. It's like me compromising again - I'll be moving in with him to make it easier for him to spend time with me.

 

I love him. I'm certain he's not cheating. I'm certain he loves me, but I'm scared that my needs won't be met. Surely if he wanted to spend time with me, he'd make time? But reality, redundancy, etc seems to get in the way.

 

Is moving in together a simple solution?

[Rorschach]

Short answer: No

 

Long answer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

 

Moving in isn't going to make him want to be more active and do more things because whats going through his mind will be 'why do we have to do anything, we see each other all the time'

 

Sounds to me like you have two options, because he's not about to change

 

1. you just get used to having to be the planner in the relationship

 

2. you have to get used to the fact that it's time to move on

 

I haven't been in the same position in a relationship but I know I have with friends where I'm always the one who has to call and ask if they want to go fishing/boating/hiking/whatever. Eventually I just stop calling those friends because it's so tiring feeling like their not putting any effort into it.

[123BeachFan]

Don't move in with a man for the sake of convenience or to try and improve the relationship. Please!!! Because when things fall apart and you want to walk away, you'll be completely tangled up with his stuff and life and apartment lease, and you'll find yourself in a huge mess!

 

And by your description of your relationship, if you move in together, you'll be the one to cook and clean and get the house in order. I don't think it's a good idea, at least not with this guy and not where you are in this relationship.

 

Tell him what you're unhappy about and make him meet you halfway, at the very least. Right now you aren't getting your needs met and you are overcompensating where he's fallen short.

[Zapbasket]

I agree with the other two posters. Don't move in with him. You're doing what so many women (and sometimes men) do: the dance for two, all by yourself. And taking on all the responsibility for furthering the relationship generally never gets you what you hope...because it has to be a MUTUAL responsibility. Your partner shows you consistently that you are not a priority.

 

I think you need to sit your partner down for a serious discussion, wherein you tell him how deeply it hurts you that he makes so little effort to spend time with you, and tell him that if things don't change you have no choice but to end the relationship. And if he doesn't change pretty much right away, then you need to follow through and leave.

 

Sorry :-( I know how much it hurts. But attempting to uphold a relationship all by yourself is no kind of relationship--and most importantly, it depletes your relationship with YOURSELF, a relationship without which any relationship you fall into with another person is bound to disintegrate.

[Jambalaya]

He just texted me with a kiss and telling me he misses me.

 

I have responded with "Good! Now what are you going to do about it?" LOL

 

No response so far...

 

His timing is always impeccable. It happens whenever my head is about to explode with thoughts of 'he hasn't called, he hasn't texted, he doesn't give a ****' I get a text or a call. It happens as soon as I have the 'I've had enough! I'm going to end this no matter how much it hurts, or how little I want to!' brain weasel thoughts.

 

Its not like I stay at home rocking in a chair and staring at the phone waiting for it to ring, or responding immediately to every text/call he makes. I don't chase him, I'm busy, I have my own friends and my own life and activities, but it would be wonderful if he was involved in them more often. And I have told him this. I'm not interested in playing hard to get games, but I end up feeling guilty for expressing my needs as it makes him feel guilty and bad, but incapable of knowing what to do about my frustrations.

[ecko280]

I find this funny. I spent a lot of time with my ex when i was free. i would take her out and do things with her and her 6 year old son. She broke up with me because "she needed space" and that i was always with her.

I have women friends say the same thing that they want to spend more time with there boyfriends but the guy does not. Women dont know what they want.

[Rorschach]

I find this funny. I spent a lot of time with my ex when i was free. i would take her out and do things with her and her 6 year old son. She broke up with me because "she needed space" and that i was always with her.

I have women friends say the same thing that they want to spend more time with there boyfriends but the guy does not. Women dont know what they want.

 

haha, well I felt the same way before, and I'm a dude. I had a girl who wanted to ALWAYS be around me. We lived together and I literally could not get away from her. I would make up excuses like 'I"m going to the library' just so I could go get some alone time but she'd insist that I come along, the few times I did bring up that I just wanted to be alone she'd pout for days. Drove me up the wall and was the end of our relationship

 

More recently I had a brief fling where I wanted to spend more time with this girl but she seemed to only want to talk every other day for all of 5 minutes (or when she wanted sex....)

 

so it's a balancing act, everybody likes to be with their partner and spend time by themselves, the question is just how much of each they need.

[make me believe]

It sounds like at the very least he's super lazy, but maybe he's just not into this relationship anymore. Either way, moving in would be HORRIBLE idea!!! Do you want to move in because then he'll be forced to spend time with you?? Don't you want him to WANT to spend time with you and plan activities? It sounds like you two are incompatible. You've been with this guy for two years... you shouldn't be sitting around feeling like he doesn't give a sh*t or wondering why he won't text/call you. Sheesh. I think you should move on & find somebody who is actually excited about being with you. You're making ALL of the effort in this relationship and that's not right.

[Jambalaya]

He has an interview tomorrow nd says he'll come into town afterwards to see me.

 

Wednesday is the one day I've asked to spend time with him. It's also our anniversary.

 

I asked via text 'Ok. And what else happens tomorrow?"

 

Response "I might be made redundant. Are you in nazi mode on my lack of planning? Is it our anniversary? :-)"

 

I do hope he's joking with that question...

[boogieboy]

I don't chase him, I'm busy, I have my own friends and my own life and activities, but it would be wonderful if he was involved in them more often. And I have told him this.

 

Hes busy! He's trying not to get fired. This is his priority right now. Plus if you keep making the effort, he doesnt have to..he doesnt have to worry about it...he only has to worry about work because you will ALWAYS be there waiting for him. He doesnt need the relationship as much as you do.

 

But if you MUST think of yourself....you have friends, youre busy, since you arent his 1st priority, go hang with your friends instead, stop calling him, let him miss you. Even if it takes a couple weeks, go do your own thing. Make plans with your friends that dont include him. Go do your own thing for a few weeks until he WANTS to be with you. Once he does, let him make the plans. After that. If he doesnt initiate plans, he doesnt see you. You can talk on the phone when he calls you. Once he senses that you dont need him, then he will work on it. But dont upset the balance. Dont start making all the plans again just because he made a couple dates. Let him put in some effort. Let him come up with reasons to see you.

[Twenty-ten]

NO! Moving in together will not solve anything it will make things worse. You should move in together as a prequel to marriage. Not to see if you can get more attention or dedication from your partner. All that should happen first, before you move on to that next level of commitment especially if you feel his taking initiatives to plan things is important to your well-being and the well-being of the relationship.

 

He might be made redundant and when the time comes you should be very supportive of what happens, but for the time being he has a job and is not being fired. It's your anniversary coming up, let him come to you, and let him plan something since you have already clearly stated what your needs are. If he does not come around then rather than planning to move in with this lazy-bones you should consider someone who is half as into the relationship as you are.

[Jambalaya]

Well he called last night and we had a catch up which included discussing the redundancy notices (to be announced today). The discussion veered towards the text and he said 'so is it our anniversary tomorrow?' to which my response was 'if you're not joking, you're getting dumped right now for that comment'.

 

He claims he's made plans. I've asked what. He laughs and says he has. I say he's lying and present him with my plans (which I made incase he hadn't). He laughs and claims that he has and that they're secret. Again, I say he's lying.

 

Ridiculous. I can't feel secure until I know he's done something for me.

 

So I'm in a stalemate until this evening.

[Twenty-ten]

 

I say he's lying and present him with my plans (which I made incase he hadn't).

 

 

I hope your plans did not include him, otherwise you are enabling his piss poor behaviour. It's like you are saying to someone "you had better do your laundry or else, or else...I'm going to do it for you" Is this a message that you think hits home?

 

I'd start making separate plans that don't include him when he fails you, that's a message that should get him where it hurts. If it doesn't hurt to have to be away from you then either way you will find out your answer as to why this guy is being so passive and disinterested in doing minimal work to please you.

 

Good luck.

[Jambalaya]

What can I say? He bloody planned something! Dinner at the poshest vegetarian restaurant I've ever been to (I am vegi, he's not), flowers and a trip to the theatre.

 

It took a few glasses of wine before i stopped staring at him suspiciously...Body snatchers stole my boyfriend yesterday.

 

I have also told him that for the next couple of months (bar my already arranged plans - I can't help that I get there first!) he's to organise all dates. Much pouting, but think he might do it.

[Jambalaya]

What can I say? He bloody planned something! Dinner at the poshest vegetarian restaurant I've ever been to (I am vegi, he's not), flowers and a trip to the theatre.

 

Well that didn't last 2 days.

 

I texted him this afternoon "I assume that I'm not seeing you this weekend as you haven't contacted me with any plans"

 

He responded with "why going back to planning nazi when we had such a lovely anniversary?"

 

"No nazi" I replied "Just going on the knowledge I have to hand"

 

We then chatted on the phone, which after the usual catch up stuff which included him saying that he was asked to an interview tomorrow and how awkward it would be to get to from London. I said "why don't you just say that you aren't coming tonight?" Light hearted banter followed, and I found myself suggesting a free evening last week, then stopped myself.

 

Not once did he say I'll come to you after my interview.

 

He did however talk about how frisky he was feeling.

 

He didn't realise it's been 2 weeks since we've had sex.

 

He did talk about going away to see his friend next weekend.

 

I pointed out how I didn't see him last weekend.

 

He mentioned the Easter bank holiday we spent together and the lovely anniversary. The weekend before was supposed to be OUR weekend - he went to see his friend.

 

After two years together - one night a week and every other weekend (those we have which don't get changed) isn't enough.

 

He complained about being upset, then asked what I had planned - a party. he said I shouldn't and that i should be resting my injured leg. To which my response was 'and what? say at home miserable because I'm not seeing you? I don't think so'

 

I started to get upset. He says he loves me, he wants to spend time with me, but doesn't seem capable of doing anything about it.

 

This was OUR weekend - the weekend out of every two I spend with him

 

I love him. I know he loves me, I know he's not cheating, but after two years, he's incapable of meeting the one need I ever express which is quality time with him and to make plans for this.

 

I'm really upset as I can't help but feel that I'm going to have to end this and this is the first person in years I could even imagine having a future with.

 

I don't know how to stop this hurting or resolve the situation except by ending it and dealing with the heartbreaking consequences of not being with a man I love simply because he can't plan anything.

[Twenty-ten]

I'm sorry to say but after the spectacular anniversary surprise he planned I am afraid he is sort of right on the nazi comment. The poor guy really came through for you this time, can't you just sit back and basque in the afterglow of his great gesture, for a week or two before you start to crack the whip on him again?

 

I sort of feel for him. Here he is probably thinking "I did it I finally did something right, and still I can't make her happy"

 

 

Now onto the issue of seeing one another every two weeks after two years, that does seem odd. Almost like the relationship stopped progressing. I think this is the bigger issue, but also the root of your problems and if he shows no desire to change this pattern, it may be a very strong message he is sending across, namely that he is not that into the relationship anymore....

 

 

Sorry if this is not what you might want to hear.

[Jambalaya]

No worries Twenty ten - thanks for the response.

 

I need to do some serious thinking.

[Romance]

I would absolutely love it if my boyfriend would ask me to move in with him but I know his family wouldn't approve so he wouldnt. We live five hours away and I am more than willing to relocate and go to college near him.

 

too bad he is so reluctant, I'd feel kind of hurt in a way but its good he is expressing it to you and not deciding its a bad idea once you're settled in.

[Jambalaya]

Well after an evening and day of feeling like an emotional jellyfish, he called and we chatted/argued/tried to see the other's viewpoint.

 

I'm aware that the below is going to make me sound like a mentalist.

 

I expressed my frustrations, especially with his cancelling our weekend and not even offering to reschedule it.

 

He expressed his frustrations with my getting there first when it comes to planning and I told him that the only reason I do it is because he never does. He told me he planned to see me every evening this coming week.

 

I blew up - how was I supposed to know? What if I'm booked every evening this week? (I am usually busy, but make time for him) He said his plans were in his head. How the hell am I supposed to know if he doesn't tell me? What would happen if I was booked every evening, when would he see me? He said whenever I was free. I expressed my frustration with only seeing him once a week and once every two weekends as he seemed to think it worked well, which it does, but only when the plans don't get changed.

 

The discussion was exhausting, but I promised to try and lighten up a little and he promised to try and keep me informed a little more.

 

I'm still emotional and I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know how to lighten up. I feel that compromising means I'm losing respect for myself, like I'm settling for something less than I need simply to keep him in my life.

 

My control freakery is obviously the problem. I always thought my expectations were low and lowering them makes me feel stupid and vulnerable. Just going with the flow makes my head explode with thoughts of what if what if. Knowing where and when and how makes me feel happy and secure, which is why I do the planning, I just want someone else to do the planning for once, but I don't know how to let them.

 

It amuses my friends and him how control freaky I get over strange things, but I genuinely believe that this may be going to far and I don't know how to let go.

[ComeUndone]

Ok so I apologize if I overlooked this in your posts... Is your issue with knowing WHEN you will be with your boyfriend, or do you 2 have set days and the issue is more about knowing WHAT you guys will be doing the days/nights you are together, that you aren't sitting around bored when you are together?

[Jambalaya]

Ok so I apologize if I overlooked this in your posts... Is your issue with knowing WHEN you will be with your boyfriend, or do you 2 have set days and the issue is more about knowing WHAT you guys will be doing the days/nights you are together, that you aren't sitting around bored when you are together?

 

It's a mixture of all of the above really. I've said to him time and time again that I don't care about spending a great deal of money on dates - I'm happy with a sandwich and a walk along the canal. I myself don't have much money and constantly come up with fun things to do, so long as we have quality time together. And for me, quality time is not spent watching television.

 

I suppose my issue is knowing that he wants to see me and does something about it (even if it's just phoning to say 'are you free on Thursday, do you want to meet?') and has taken me into account. Phoning and telling me he loves me and misses me is all well and good, but it means nothing unless he does something about it - i.e. make an arrangement to actually see me.

 

Telling me after I blew up that he planned to come and stay for the week ahead would have been lovely (if he told me in advance, after he cancelled our weekend), but instead I got angry. He didn't ask me, he didn't tell me his plans, he kept them in his head and didn't check to see if I was free.

 

I know that I'm control freaky in my planning. I'm busy, I have to be. If I don't make time in advance for friends, socialising and fun stuff, it never happens. He's busy too, so that makes my need for planning even stronger. When those plans fall through I get frustrated. Early in our relationship, he asked me to help him - so I did - I suggested the 1 day a week and every other weekend guide. It helped for a good few months, but when that simple guide gets shifted and changed and if cancelled, not replaced by something else, I feel that I'm back to square one.

 

People tell me to relax, to go with the flow and I wish I could. But i don't know how, simply because if I do that, I'll end up disappointed or frustrated as I am now.

 

So that's the crux. I feel that if I relax and let his lassez faire attitude have an equal role, nothing gets done, we don't see each other and there's no point in going on in a relationship.

[ComeUndone]

Ok so I am going through a bit of the same situation with my bf then. He is a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants type of guy whereas I need some sort of schedule or plan. I do not like knowing that I will see him either Tues or Wed but not have a clue which until sometimes THAT day. I do not function well like that at all, so I know what you mean about being a control freak. I don't know that I'd consider you being overbearing though... you just have different needs than he does and to make a relationship work there needs to be compromise.

 

If he is not compromising with you (long term) to meet some of your needs then perhaps you need to step back just for a bit. Don't break up with him, just detach yourself temporarily so you can judge what his reaction will be. You controlling every interaction between you two only satisfies your anxiety about having a plan but doesn't show you what you need HIM to show you. It's like scratching an itch... your scratching out of desperation.

 

You might try always having a plan B that does NOT include him... this way if he does not come around, you aren't left with nothing to do. Don't tell him you have a plan B, and don't create plan A involving the two of you either... plan A is for him to make and if he fails you then have B. If it means not seeing him then that's what will happen, but you need to find out now, before you spend another 2 years in this relationship, where you fall in order of importance to him. Let him prove it one way or another.

Edited April 19, 2010 by ComeUndone