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Coming on too strong too soon


4givrnt4gtr

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4givrnt4gtr

Quick question...when a man comes on really strong at the beginning (as in 3-4 dates) saying how beautiful you are, and making long term plans and how lucky he is to have met you etc, how in the world should that be taken??

 

Also, very important, when all those comments plans etc are said and the guy makes absolutely no move whatsoever for physicality, not even a kiss.......

 

Yeah not sure how to take my guy right now....by all accounts he is awesome but all those comments make me think that he is either a hopeless romantic, the type that falls hard fast and then changes his mind in a month or.....well honestly thats what im thinking....

 

 

 

 

thoughts???

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If he were saying those things while making physical advances I think he'd be trying to charm his way into your pants.

 

Since he's saying those things while not making physical advances maybe he's trying to charm you into his pants. In other words he might be trying to turn you into the sexual initiator.

 

Assuming the best, if it's not about sex on his part... is he really really lonely or did you have some pretty outstanding dates?

 

I can see him saying how beautiful you are that soon. I could see him saying he's lucky to have met you, with uncommon qualifiers like really great conversations. I can see him inviting you to some activity in the summer, maybe, like whitewater rafting. I can't see him inviting you to Christmas dinner with the family or his nephew's birthday party in the fall.

 

In any case, from the queues you're giving and the limited information it seems awfully fast. My gut reaction is he's being insincere or he's lonely and is staking a lot on this budding relationship.

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4givrnt4gtr

 

I can see him saying how beautiful you are that soon. I could see him saying he's lucky to have met you, with uncommon qualifiers like really great conversations. I can see him inviting you to some activity in the summer, maybe, like whitewater rafting.

Yeah thats basically what he is saying...though he also said we should go to Hawaii....:confused:

 

Oh and also, um Im leaving town in about 4 months to pursue a doctoral degree. he knows this, even offered to help me move (its not too far, about 5 hours from where i currently live). What kinda tripped me out in a way was that he "joked" about applying to the same school. He asked me what I would think of that. I actually like this guy a lot....in fact i had a crush on him before i knew he liked me back, so in a way i'd love it if we could make this something long term....so i said id love it if we were to go to the same school again. But....i kinda wish he had said that at least a month into us dating??? I mean, ofcourse im taking it all with a grain of salt, knowing he might just be playing the charm card. Also, he is shy and a little awkward, but I liked that about him anyway so Im thinking it has to do with that too. We've known each other since January, and we've worked together for a while. From what he says we both had a crush on each other but neither of us knew since we met....still....i dont know...

 

In any case, from the queues you're giving and the limited information it seems awfully fast. My gut reaction is he's being insincere or he's lonely and is staking a lot on this budding relationship.

 

Im thinking he might be lonely....after he figured out I liked him (after we hanged out for the second time...apparently he thought i just saw him as a friend) he told me he was really glad to know that because I make him feel the way he used to feel when things were going better in his life. Im not sure what he meant by that, but i think you are right, he seems to be staking a lot into this....and that makes me nervous since im leaving so soon.

 

Still, he says that even if nothing serious happens he feels lucky to have met me anyway.....God they just sounds like such lines!!!! :rolleyes: but he doesn't seem the type to use those lines for ulterior motives....something doesn't add up here :confused::confused:

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He could be the type that plays out a relationship in his mind ahead of time, since he'd been crushing on you, and now he's "catching up" with you in the real world. I think the lack of physical advances shows respect but I'd have gone for a kiss on the first date, definitely the second if somehow I couldn't do it on the first. He might be an inexperienced dater and isn't sure of how to do things or what's acceptable?

 

Planning future activities ahead of time might be him showing he's a long-term relationship kind of guy. A trip to Hawaii is a bit too big of an event, I agree, unless that kind of expense is a minor blip in the checkbook for him or you. Even if it's a blip for him, there's usually a price to pay when accepting a gift and one that big might be an emotional commitment that you're not ready to make so soon.

 

I'm having a hard time pinning it down too. With you leaving soon, it doesn't seem like fertile ground for a long term relationship. Then again, since he knows his time to make an impression is limited he could be really trying to get across that he's serious.

 

I'd hate to say "yeah, apply to my school" because then you'd be almost agreeing to a long-term relationship without knowing enough about him. If things went poorly he might end up blaming you for turning his life upside down.

 

If your schools aren't too far and you could see each other on weekends or whenever your schedules permitted that might be the way to go. Let him know you look forward to getting to know him better. One thing my fiance and I enjoyed were the "little memories" that we accumulated over time through shared experiences and seeing how each other acts or reacts in certain situations.

 

An example is me chasing away a guy who came up to her each time I used the bathroom at a club (we're not normally club-goers or bar people). Instead of socking him, I'd embarrass him each time in a funny way and he'd leave. Hard to describe but something you can't plan, something we still chuckle over, and something that didn't require the pageantry nor expense of a formal vacation.

 

Tough call. He could be a great guy albeit inexperienced or just a clingy guy who's rushing things. Do you know anyone else he's dated and how that went?

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cooldudeinberlin

he sounds like a typical "nice guy"... very inexperienced in having anyone he's ever liked, like him back... most likely he's heard more "I like you as a friend" than anything.

 

This is a very common thing to happen with "nice guys": overcompliment, have no opinion of their own and agree with you more than they should, complimenting on physical, superficial aspects, being needy, clingy... he sounds very desperate, almost red flag stalker. He sounds like he needs a bit of a dose of confidence and self assurance... like himself first before pursuing any romantic relationship... that kind of seeking external validation or defining yourself through someone else's acceptance of you, is very weak and character and I'll tell you the majority of women who know what they want, would never be attracted to this type of behavior.

 

Proceed with caution... you will have to deal with his insecurities and inconfidence on more than one ocassion.

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DustySaltus

When you admire people at a distance before you start engaging them you tend to develop a perception of them that isn't reality. From a distance he seemed like an attractive and well rounded guy, and he still might be. However, when you start planning vacations and applications to the same school, it may be a little bit of a red flag after 3-4 dates.

 

If a girl said that to me I would have to take a step back and think to myself, "I know I'm a good guy, but geez don't you think you should get to know me a little better before we start planning our lives"?

 

I don't think he'll be the type to break it off with you in a few weeks. I think he may be the type who could become a stage 5 clinger. See right now you're in the initial phase where you have a crush on him and everything is new and exciting. You have to let that initial euphoria wear off before you make a true assessment of him. Until then, stay local.

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Agree with cooldude, he's either very inexperienced and is trying to do and say what he thinks is right, or it could be someone who's coming out of an LTR. Some people are serial LTR junkies, they don't know how to casually date or get to know someone. They go right from one to the other, moving extremely fast.

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4givrnt4gtr

Wow...really good insights!

 

Ok so I saw him today again.....

 

Im gonna go ahead and vote for "Nice guy"...definitely. The more i talk to him the more I see it, also I see his insecurity in general....just not very sure of himself which is really odd given that he worked in a very socially demanding field for a while....

 

He had a long term relationship (4 years) a while back but said after that he hasn't date anyone seriously for a while.

 

I finally comfronted him yesterday about how uncomfortable his constant praising makes me feel. He said he didnt meant to make me feel like that but that he just had never liked someone like he likes me, even his long term girlfriend. He said he was "crushing hard" for a while before we started talking so he just feels its the newness of it and how he had never had a crush like him back before.

 

Anyhow....im still weary....and some of his awkwardness make me wonder if i can stick with it.....but then he does/say something that make me go back to my own crushing on him....its kinda ridiculous really.

 

he is definitely in for the long term, from what he says anyway........im just REALLY not used to this type of treatment and it scares me that its one of those people go from burning hot to ice cold in a nanosecond....had one of those before and I really didnt like it at all.

 

But ill give this "nice guy" a chance.....ive heard enough complaining about the issue here to know better than to cut him just for that.....plus...he's just too dam n cute sometimes anyway

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Quick question...when a man comes on really strong at the beginning (as in 3-4 dates) saying how beautiful you are, and making long term plans and how lucky he is to have met you etc, how in the world should that be taken??

 

Bad, bad sign. The ingredients for a recipe for disaster.

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