Angry Girlfriend

[DanielJ]

Hello guys, my first post here, so first of all, it's nice to meet you all.

 

First of all, my girlfriend of 3 years is loving, caring, emotionally and physically fulfilling. However, she gets very hostile when I'm out of line, if I tell her what to do, if i do something she doesnt like, and it makes me very sad and frustrated.

 

The first time she hit me was in a shopping centre, I tickled her and she smacked me in the face in anger in front of people, and I got so worked up I said something mean to her - I used to be bullied and hit a lot in school, so I have issues with fearing and resenting violence. That put me in the wrong, and I had to apologise and make her feel loved, even though I was hurting inside.

 

Just recently she punched me a few times repeatedly in the chest during an argument because I was being anal about cleaning and I wouldn't get out of her way. She screams at the top of her voice when we fight and thinks it's okay, and this incident before and during her hitting me, she screamed so loud it frightened me.

 

I'm afraid to cross her, she gets so mad at me when she doesn't get her way, and my parents have noticed this. I can say very mean things to her, and I'm sorry I do that, but I only say them when she gets hostile at me, because i'm so frustrated that it takes so little to send her into a rage.

 

I don't know what to do, as i'm only 23, i've been with her several years, and I really love her, and 90 per cent of the time, she's really sweet to me, but i'm so sad that she hit me recently and screamed at me - the look in her eyes was hate, and i don't know why.

 

She told me i'm mean to her, and i act cute and innocent to other people, but the truth is, i'm shy, i'm absent-minded generally and naive for the most part. I'm only mostly more confident around her because i've been with her for some time. But if i tell her what to do, ever, she tells me to go f__ myself literally, out of nowhere, and it's hurtful. It's not a gender thing, our house where we live together gets very messy and sometimes that stresses me out, but i'm forced to clean it on my own after being scared down. People have commented on the mess of our house, so i know that it isnt a case of me being an anal boyfriend. The most frustrating thing is, that I always get so infuriated by all this, that i usually end up saying something mean, so i end up having to make it up to her and the issue that caused me to say those things in the first place is never resolved.

 

I feel like a dog that is hit because i did something wrong. I know I sound like a sensitive push-over, but i'm very sad that i got punched. I love her so much, but i don't feel like going out of my way ever again to do nice things, because i'm so hurt.

 

I don't think i can get through to her, when i tried to tell her about her anger problems recently, she got extremely mad at me and then i ended up saying sorry. Everything makes her mad, absolutely everything - I know she is stressed , but we don't even have kids, we don't own a house, we don't owe money, in fact, I can take care of everything that way, and fix anything. She stayed over in my parents house the other day and lost her temper with me when i told her she had to change out of pyjamas before coming downstairs with me, as it was 16:00. I made her breakfast and it took her ages to calm down - i'm breaking down because of all this.

 

Sorry for the length of this message, but it's a huge topic right now for me. I just wish she could react understandibly when I give out, or tell her to clean something or tell her what to do, because in life, there's always someone that's going to tell you to do something, and it's not them being mean or mysogynistic, it's just them asking you to do something. I hope this makes sense.

 

ps, i just want to add that i'm very empathetic with people, but stupidly so, as i often take on people's problems so i can help them and fix them. I'm always invested in what is upsetting her, but what triggers her rages are simply me telling her what to do, and i've tried to tell her all this, but she turns it around and tells me to shut the f---- up because i'm painting her out to be a horrible person. I just end up feeling guilty then, not only because she ends up feeling bad, but also because i'm starting not to want to cheer her up when she gets mad. I don't want to end up some uncaring, unemotional person, but i also don't want to be kicked down when i want to stand my ground - heck, i shouldn;t even have to stand my ground in these situations, because no-one else acts like this.

 

She's 5 years older than me, i thought she'd know how to act

Edited April 1, 2010 by DanielJ

[Bejita463]

The first time she hit me was in a shopping centre, I tickled her and she smacked me in the face in anger [snip] That put me in the wrong,

 

That is abuse. Regardless of what you did, she was the one who was wrong. How did she even manage to manipulate you into believing you are supposed to be okay with being assaulted, and if you aren't you are in the wrong? Seriously, how?

 

and I had to apologise and make her feel loved

I certainly know that whenever I assault someone in a manner that cannot be construed as self defense I expect them to make up to me. Because that makes any sense at all.

 

Just recently she punched me a few times repeatedly in the chest during an argument because

I'm not reading any further. Unless you are attacking this girl, making her feel the need for self defense she is behaving in a manner that is so completely unacceptable that whatever else may be going on in the relationship, good or bad, is secondary.

[dazzle22]

You are in a relationship with an abusive partner, plain and simple.

 

No excuse for her behavior.

 

If one doesn't want to take another's advice, all you need to say is, "thanks, I'll think about it."

 

You are the perfect "foil" or dance partner for this woman, given your tendency to be a codependent helper. I would advise reading some books on codependency and possibly counseling to get out the the trap with this abuser.

 

She will make your life a living hell over the years, and like it...

[MalachiX]

It seems pretty clear that you need to end the relationship. Perhaps if she was getting help for anger issues then there might be hope but if her response to bringing it up is to tell you to go **** yourself then there's not much more to be said. Striking you in a public place just sounds nuts.

 

You're not on an equal footing in the relationship if you have to apologize for her hitting you. You're going to be resentful and this will fester and fester until you hate her and start taking it out on those around you (that's my guess at least; I've never been hit by a girl save for Tae Kwon Do).

 

I'm guessing you probably feel awkward breaking up since you're the guy and guys don't get abused in theory. I'm sure you're tempted to rationalize that it's not a big deal since she can't really hurt you physically. Don't fall into that trap. She's abusing you emotionally and would hurt you physically if she was strong enough. If the roles were reversed and it was a woman getting hit, no one would give a second thought to ending the relationship.

 

It's also interesting to note that she's older than you and you're only 23. It seems like she thinks she can push you around and because you're younger. She's probably been dumped by guys her own age for being nuts but she has this theoretical "maturity" over you which allows her to get away with stuff.

 

More importantly, at your age I'd expect you to want to keep dating and searching for the person who is right for you. You're not going to spend your life with someone like this so why would you want to waste the years in which you are in your dating prime with this woman? You could be living up your youth and dating women who aren't crazy (at least ones who are only crazy in the normal way ).

 

If you havn't been convinced yet, consider one last thing: There may come a time when you hit her back. When arguments keep turning physical, eventually both parties come to engage in the fight. One day you may lose it and smack her and a blow from you will probably be far more damaging than a blow from her. Can you imagine how awful it will feel if she turns you into an abuser?

Edited April 1, 2010 by MalachiX

[boogieboy]

You either have to break up with her, or take charge and stop taking her shyt. She is acting out because she hates how much of a pushover you are - or she is seriously disturbed. You have to start putting your foot down, stop apologizing (you havent done anything wrong) and start kicking her out of your house when she gets out of line. You have to be mean, own it, and make her think she will lose you if she doesnt stop her shyt.

 

She NEEDS you to take charge and keep her in line. Thats why she's acting like this. She HATES being in charge of this relationship and needs you to take charge. This is life, and you will always have to be this way. Women dont like a guy they can take charge of. You slowly made her this way by being a pushover for 3 years. It will take a while to turn this around, but you might have to treat it like bootcamp. She will be happy with you if you do this right, but if shes too far gone you will have to break it off.

[mansquito]

It's also interesting to note that she's older than you and you're only 23. It seems like she thinks she can push you around and because you're younger. She's probably been dumped by guys her own age for being nuts but she has this theoretical "maturity" over you which allows her to get away with stuff.

 

Word. My ex wife would pull this crap all the time - we met when I was 21, and she was 30. Whenever I'd raise a valid point about the problems in our relationship that she didn't want to acknowledge, she'd demand that I defer to her greater experience and wisdom.

 

Truth is, she had the emotional "wisdom" of a petulant toddler.

 

You really need to bounce this chick. Frankly, she sounds like she has anger management problems at best, and a personality disorder at worst.

 

You're young. Get out while you can.

[soulm8]

I agree with the posts so far. You may love this woman, but... how does it make you feel when you think of her getting pregnant with your child? Think she'll be a good mom?

 

 

Don't stay in an abusive relationship because of convenience and comfort. There are plenty of ladies who don't have anger issues.

[Ilovehim]

wow! im sorry to hear this.

 

i don't think it's okay to do this at all, whether it's verbal abuse or physical abuse. nobody deserves it. i can understand arguing sometimes cuz noone is perfect but damn...this doesnt sound like something anyone should tolerate. try talking to her and tell her how u feel, if she ignores you or gets rude and whatnot, i really think u should reconsider and do some serious deep thinking about whether u want to be in this relationship or not.

 

Good luck! :-)

[DanielJ]

Thanks for all the advise so far. We've been three years together, I love her so much, and I know she's crazy about me too, but if this hostility doesn't change, I walk.

 

I need her to simply realise how wrong she was by hitting me, but so far, though she's admitted she's wrong, she's still blamed me for putting her in that spot.

 

God damn this **** - excuse my french. I'm sick of being nice or too understanding all the time, it just ends up with me getting walked on. Though, that's still no excuse for her being like this to me.

 

And though I know she'd never hit her kids if she one day had any, I am afraid that she will hit me again, this time with something that will actually hurt me physically. It's weird, all she does when she's with friends is talk about me, in a nice way, and she is very attention-seeking with me. I'm so mixed up. I told my Dad what happened and he was shocked - I do regret that I told him everything, as it will sully the view he had of her, which up until this point was probably very positive. Alas, I needed to vent and he was the only person around at the time.

 

After the physical attack, I'm starting not to give a **** about how she feels. I'm not hurt anymore, I'm just mad, and I want to be alone for a long time now.

 

When she loves me, she loves me dearly, but she is easily hostile, and it makes me cornered, mad and anxious. I didn't realise how serious this all is, until I posted here and confided in my Dad.

 

Ps, it may not have any relevance at all, but she has put me through a lot of stress over the years, but i am madly in love with her - i love kissing her, and cuddling with her every night, but now a resentment is starting to stir, and i have to do something about that. I'm going skateboarding for 5 hours on my next day off, i suck at it, but it keeps me fit.

 

Also might be off-topic, but should any backstory be needed, this is the 'promiscuous girl' i mentioned in this post in 2008.:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t156713/

 

I've gotten over the sexual issues of her past, because it's simply the past, and i cannot blame her for all that. I've relaxed somewhat on my opinion of drugs, and since then, i've picked up a job that rocks, not a career, but something that could get me there. I just want to slow it down and enjoy life, and stop being a judgemental person on a moral high-horse, but i think that recently, i dismissed some of her hurtful actions and hostility as my imagination.

 

I do thank some of you for the frankness of your comments, particularly Bejita - it's hard to see blatant wrongdoing sometimes, when your own faults can lead you to second guess yourself. I guess what i'm trying to say is that, I realise that i used to have a simplistic view of people that couldn't deal with their faults, and in my attempts to change into a more accepting, more relaxed person, i would let a lot of things slip by me, but i've come to realise that what she has done lately is damn inexcusable.

 

I'm older, wiser, and damn, i'm becoming more confident in my own reasoning.

[Ella whispers]

You can do better! No one should be hit, ever. Trust me, after 12 years of thinking that it was my fault I know how you feel. She will keep on doing it.

Best of luck to you.

[DanielJ]

Thank you. I keep telling myself that this strike is a one-off though.

 

I will say that her hostility gets me so cornered and feeling futile, that i go off like a boiling kettle in my mind, go silent for a second and finally say one comment that tears her down - and i feel gutted for weeks afterwards. This time, i insulted her messy appearance, and i shouldn't have. I just felt so helpless that i got so much hostility when i calmly ask her with a nice smile, and in a nice voice to pick up rubbish that is hers in our bedroom, that i lashed out.

 

Sort of the dilemma here, i'm trapped, reasoning doesn't work, so my emotions boil, and now i'm getting sick literally. Ongoing dizziness, nausea, disorientation, and all that nasty stuff. Not caused by her, but made worse by her for sure.

Edited April 2, 2010 by DanielJ

[amaysngrace]

She's controlling. If she didn't have you to control she'd find somebody else she could control.

 

I think you should let her.

 

The worst part is she is even trying to control your reactions. She's trying to make you deny your feelings. Don't. Stay true to you.

 

And if she doesn't respect your feelings then really what's the point? Maybe you love her but she doesn't love you. Not in the true sense anyway.

 

It's twisted.

[mansquito]

I need her to simply realise how wrong she was by hitting me, but so far, though she's admitted she's wrong, she's still blamed me for putting her in that spot.

 

After reading your updates, and especially this bit, I'm coming down firmly on the side of "Personality Disorder." (Insert standard disclaimers about me not being a mental health professional.)

 

Take a look at this video, and see if anything's familiar:

 

http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

 

Everything that you've told us so far about your girlfriend reminds me of my ex-wife - the substance abuse, extreme promiscuity, blame-shifting and projection, the slovenliness, the occasional violence, the idealization and sweetness when she's not in one of her "moods." Even the personal emotions that you've expressed; the shame you feel about telling your father about the abuse rings a bell.

 

Has she ever threatened to kill herself?

 

The thing you need to realize is this: all the bad stuff is an intrinsic part of her personality. Any improvement you see in her "issues" will be fleeting. She will never, ever, get better, and will probably get worse. If you stay with her, she will drag you down with her.

 

It's one thing to know all that, and another entirely to have the courage to start taking steps to disengage from her. Because really, it takes two to tango. If you've been with her this long without hightailing it already, chances are you have codependency issues. It's probably a good idea to seek some counseling on your own to try to get your ducks in a row.

[VertexSquared]

Someone who "apologizes for hitting you but blames you for putting them in that position to begin with" is not really sorry. They're still not taking responsibility for their actions. You have complete control over how you choose to deal with a given situation, and you can't turn the tables and just say "Well, you made me do that." BS to the max, man.

[dazzle22]

Agree that this girl is borderline pers. disorder. What is going to happen if you don't walk, is she is going to keep pushing you, and pushing you, then one day you will snap, and push back. Then she'll take a picture of a bruise, go the cops with it, and it will all be turned on you as the abuser.

 

Mark my words. This is what borderlines do - they abuse and cross boundaries, until you have had enough, and call them on it and are done with them. Then they turn on you and bite back rabidly...

[freestyle]

Thank you. I keep telling myself that this strike is a one-off though.

 

I will say that her hostility gets me so cornered and feeling futile, that i go off like a boiling kettle in my mind, go silent for a second and finally say one comment that tears her down - and i feel gutted for weeks afterwards. This time, i insulted her messy appearance, and i shouldn't have. I just felt so helpless that i got so much hostility when i calmly ask her with a nice smile, and in a nice voice to pick up rubbish that is hers in our bedroom, that i lashed out.

 

Sort of the dilemma here, i'm trapped, reasoning doesn't work, so my emotions boil, and now i'm getting sick literally. Ongoing dizziness, nausea, disorientation, and all that nasty stuff. Not caused by her, but made worse by her for sure.

 

 

The physical symptoms you described are your body's way of telling you that you are in danger. Your body has gone into flight or fight mode, akin to a siege mentality.

 

Once you have safely removed yourself from her sphere of influence, I predict that you'll find those symptoms disappearing.

 

I recommend that you read some articles about disengaing from an abusive situation, before you act!!!!

 

If, in fact she does have a personality disorder, which evidence is pointing to , based on what you've said, those breakups should handled very carefully.Please, please, do some reading!!!

[DanielJ]

Okay, i messed up. I cheated on her, and got sent to hospital after my physical symptoms overwhelmed me. I feel like a horrible person, and I feel so trapped.

 

Every time I think about it all, it just seems like such a mess. She said she'd get over what I did, eventually, though it's all in her court now. I told her what I did, I just wanted to be honest. I'm powerless, and mentally and physically weak, and even if we do get over this, we're still right back where we started.

 

I did a terrible thing, but in doing so, i've condemned myself. It's just so messed up. I have to face an 11-hour shift at work tomorrow, so I have to bottled it all up, but I feel like I'm about to explode. She called me a whore, and said I blamed her for what I did. It's weird, and possibly stupid of me, but I was just saying that it was all a mess and that we both hurt each other. This of course was 'me trying to wriggle out of what I had done'.

 

I just want to curl up and go to sleep, and when I wake up, I'm 11 again and all that matters are dinosaurs and birds.