4givrnt4gtr Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 (edited) Ok so, yesterday I was discussing relationships with a group of girls. One of the girls is seriously a whip wielding woman, keeping her man in check at all times. AKA bf cant have female friends, is not allowed to go to parties without her, etc. Quite frankly, Ive never been like that. In fact Ive AVOIDED been like that like the plague. I trust the men i date and assume they are as free as I am to be friends and go out with whomever we like, after all, I dont own them and they dont own me. Unfortunately, experience and observation have started to teach me that that doesnt work. It just ends up with men taking me for granted and feeling like Im not a challenge at all, so they up and leave or just drag on the relationship just because its easy but never cherish or appreciate me. On the other hand, with women like the girl I talked to yesterday, men will do anything to be with. It was very interesting to hear it...and when I told her what my way to treat men was she totally called me out as passive and almost had an aneurysm when I told her a story of my latest ex boyfriend, where he went to a party where his ex girlfriend who he still had feelings for was at and didnt ask me to come along...oh and, yeah it was a sleep over type of party. So clearly I still have a long way to go in regards to being assertive...or rather, demanding. I now know that being "nice" and "understanding" gets you nowhere really fast. But then I come to a little problem...does being passive include waiting for a guy to ask you out??? or, on the contrary, being a doormat includes asking a guy out because well quite frankly time is of the essence and I hate waiting playing the game Its gonna be a problem for me to change my ways....but if anyone can give me a little insight it would be great! Edited March 25, 2010 by 4givrnt4gtr Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 I never understood that, either. Why do men want to be with women like that whip-wielding friend of yours? Link to post Share on other sites
annxxdisaster Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 Well, I probably would have had issues with a boyfriend going to a sleep over party with an ex that he still had feelings for. Actually I think I'd have an issue with a boyfriend still having feelings for his ex. But, besides that, I'm the same way. If a guy wants to have female friends, then God bless him. If he wants to go to a party without me, great! It's fun to get out on your own anyway. I would really hate to think that all men are happy being in a relationship with a women who needs to keep tabs on him and sets rules (like who his friends can and can't be) for him to follow. So I hope it's a certain type of person/man that she attracts. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with a man who (I presume) can't stand up for himself and is willing to let me control his life. I can understand asserting yourself and your feelings and letting him know that certain behaviors make you feel uncomfortable...but I would want him to choose not to do those sort of things because he chooses to not because he fears some sort of punishment. ..if I make any sense. Link to post Share on other sites
annxxdisaster Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 ...and I just saw your question at the end. Sorry about that. D: Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 (edited) Unfortunately, experience and observation have started to teach me that that doesnt work. It just ends up with men taking me for granted and feeling like Im not a challenge at all, so they up and leave or just drag on the relationship just because its easy but never cherish or appreciate me. I really think you are wrong here. It's the guys you get involved with. Every laid back woman I know has experianced the same "give them an inch...." situation. However, there were other underlying problems they kept hidden from those women that manifested when they got called on thier poor behavior. A man doesn't go from a good decent fellow that respects his woman to a complete jerk because she isn't strict. He was always like that & just hid it. My opinion. My wife let me go to strip clubs with my friends for their birthdays & trusted me not to get lap dances & I didn't. I just looked. I never cheated on her or was inapropriate with women. She cheated on me. I hope I can find another laid back women but i'm afraid at my age they like you have been burned & are now into crack the whip mode because they think all men need it. Edited March 25, 2010 by phineas Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 It's not even about being passive or aggressive, it's about being clear about what you will and will not tolerate from your SO. Always speak up about how you feel. The only reason you're ' passive" is because you feel that a relationship will last if you give your bf space. But that will not earned you the respect you want from him. You can give him space even while you set your boundaries about his interactions with his exes. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 It's not even about being passive or aggressive, it's about being clear about what you will and will not tolerate from your SO. Always speak up about how you feel. The only reason you're ' passive" is because you feel that a relationship will last if you give your bf space. But that will not earned you the respect you want from him. You can give him space even while you set your boundaries about his interactions with his exes. You are still thinking you have to train him to treat you good. Which is true up to a point. The whole friends with ex's thing is something I just can't grasp. If their true friends your current SO should be there also if other friends are present. Going to dinner with an ex alone or something like that is something i'd recognize as being potentially bad for any relationship I was in. I don't know if I could ever be in a relationship with someone who hangs out with an ex. I'd really have to trust them & having been what I was through I don't know if I could. Link to post Share on other sites
SomewhatExperienced Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 My ex, who was a great girlfriend but just not meant to be forever, was assertive but gave me all the freedom I wanted. In fact, on our second date when I was wondering if I should go to hold her hand or not she went ahead and grabbed mine. She also had no problem with me hanging out with my other ladyfriends, and we even did care if eachother flirted with other people, because we both trusted at the end of the day we'd come back to eachother. Link to post Share on other sites
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