AJSunny Posted June 28, 2003 Share Posted June 28, 2003 I've been hanging out with this lady for awhile now. We're in touch a lot and I have taken her out. Sometimes though she turns my asking her down. One time she said she had to go to the beauty salon with her mom and said she couldn't do lunch with me but text messaged me later saying "hope you're having great day AJ. My hair looks like crap though." I asked her the next day if she wanted to do a movie with me. It was about 9pm I believe. She said it was too late and she didn't think she could come out, her parents would not be happy. Two days later I asked her if she wanted to work out with me ( we work out at the same place) and then do lunch, but she said she was already at the gym and finishing up and couldn't do lunch cuz she had already planned lunch with her mom and her mom's friends and there was no way she could get out of that. So she said she'd swing by really quick and say hi before she headed off. So she said hi and I saw her for like 5 minutes. She text messaged me a little later saying sorry about that, did I have time later, maybe in the evening? Unfortunately I didn't. One time after a date, I put my arms around her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. And she kissed me on the cheek back and hugged me back too. I didn't want to let go of her, but she pulled away and said she had to go into the house now. Last but not least, she did once ask me where this was headed, and I told her I wanted to keep hanging out with her. She told me she wasn' t sure what to do because she was at a time where she seriously needed to think about her future in terms of marriage and didn't want to date someone her parents did not approve of or someone who just wasn't on the same page timewise for her. Meaning me I guess... Anyway maybe I am just reading too much into things, but is she just not that fully interested in me? It could just be really bad timing and she's just really busy with her life. Just wondering. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 28, 2003 Share Posted June 28, 2003 From your post, I take it you don't know a lot about women or dating so I'm going to get you started with a few fundamentals and you can take it from there. First, learn from your mistakes. Second, don't ask a lady out every day or two, whether she accepts or not...and only on VERY RARE OCCASIONS ask her to do something on the same day. You seem to strike out often with this lady by asking her to do lunch the same day. Ladies don't like to be looked upon as an afterthought so the more in advance you plan, the better they feel. Women don't like for men to think they have no plans so whether or not she's going to be doing something with her mothe, she's going to tell you she's busy. Ask at least three to four days in advance. Doing so also sends the message that you've got interim plans as well. Hell yes, she's interested. Why would she ask you where you thought you and her were going in the scheme of things??? If she wasn't interested, she would know for sure because she would be SURE the asssociation/relationship/friendship was going nowhere. Look up the word "coy" in the dictionary. This is what your lady is doing a good job of being...and you are not. You've got to get somewhat better at doing that if you want to make it big in romance. That's today's lesson, a very important one though, more to come. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted June 28, 2003 Share Posted June 28, 2003 I agree with Tony -- ask her out in advance. Asking someone out at the last minute and getting turned down because they already have plans is not being blown off. She sounds like she has a busy life and lots of things going on. If you want to see her, your best bet is to ask her out a few days (or even a week) in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
turtle Posted June 28, 2003 Share Posted June 28, 2003 I agree with what Tony says. You also need to back off a little and take things a little slower. In the start of a relationship, you should ask her out in advance and also try to only see her 1-3 times a week. Seeing her too many times a week and constantly asking her to do things might be sufficating her. You want to become part of her life, not her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AJSunny Posted June 30, 2003 Author Share Posted June 30, 2003 Thanks for the advice guys. I just got an email from her telling me she didn't think I was going to go beyond just getting closer to her and so she didn't want to be in a relationship with me and asked me not to contact her anymore, saying she didn't have time to wait around. Er, I take it that she is NOT being coy there for me to make another move now. She realy does mean this, I am assuming? turtle you write, "You also need to back off a little and take things a little slower." Yeah maybe I was too pushy with the asking her out all the time, but when she did ask me where this was all going, that was my answer. To keep hanging out with her and get to know her, as I said in my last post when she asked to know where this was going. I guess that wasn't what she wanted to hear... Oh well, like you said Tony, learn from my mistakes. I've made a similar mistake before, and I am learning. And no I don't know a lot about women or dating but I hope in time I will. Link to post Share on other sites
void919 Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 I think that you should take your time with the other person, and instead of spending all your time asking her out, spend some real quality time just talking to her, lots and lots of it. Maybe later you could ask that special someone out, but later. I also think that it was rude and cruel of her to ask you to not contact her that way. You shouldnt be with that person if she is bad like that, so I think you should move on, but first considering, are you the one that pushed her away or is she just a b...ch? Don't dwell on muddy places. Link to post Share on other sites
Baubles Posted July 2, 2003 Share Posted July 2, 2003 AJ - I'd go ahead and e-mail her back anyway. I cannot count the times when I was younger that I wrote something along the lines of- we've been dating and I have deep hidden feelings for you, but you probably don't for me, so don't contact me. Sometimes, what it really is- is a vulnerable woman pushing you to answer it while not having to listen to the answer if you're not on the same page- this way it lets her feel like she dumped you, but secretly wants you to tell her she's wrong. Go ahead and write her back if you wish, you have nothing to lose. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AJSunny Posted July 3, 2003 Author Share Posted July 3, 2003 Baubles writes: "I cannot count the times when I was younger that I wrote something along the lines of- we've been dating and I have deep hidden feelings for you, but you probably don't for me, so don't contact me. Sometimes, what it really is- is a vulnerable woman pushing you to answer it while not having to listen to the answer if you're not on the same page- this way it lets her feel like she dumped you, but secretly wants you to tell her she's wrong." Whoa, that's pretty complicated. And most of you dudes can pick up on this kind of stuff? All I wanted was to keep seeing her and get to know her, I mean I like her and want to see how things go. I wasn't at the stage to jump into a relationship with her, I have certainly thought of the possibility but not right now, there's a lot going on and it's all so fast. But I was definitely thinking about it... SHE said she didn't know either right now so it wasn't like she was going to say yes if I asked her anyway. So I don't get what's wrong here. Except for my lack of picking up signals maybe. If anyone was rushing things, I feel like it's her. Anyway, I posted in another forum and she has contacted me and wants to start over as friends. And she fills me in on her dates and how they are not working, what's good and bad etc. I like her a lot, but this is quite a headache. And there are other girls who have expressed interest in me. You think I should just let this one go? Link to post Share on other sites
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