Peaceandlove Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 Hey guys, Everything was going well with my boyfriend of 11 months but lately he has been very judgmental of me for things like * my weight and what I eat (note I weight 115 pounds and measure 5 ft 5in and I'm feel really good in my skin..) * how I take care of myself, saying things like 'you should wax more often' * what I say around his friends although thusfar he was always really happy to introduce me to ppl he knew * how I spend my money the list goes on but those are the main points.... Some of the background information is that I've been looking for a job since I finished college at the end of the summer last year, but things had been very slow. They seem to be picking up on the job-front but now I feel that my boyfriend is treating me with disrespect. He has a really well paid job and has been supportive throught my job-hunting efforts and I really find it hard to understand why he's so overly critical. Whenever I bring something up that is bothering me he asks me if I'm going to break-up with him...which is something I never used as a threat or even hinted it. Also he says things like 'you shouldn't expect me to propose for at least 2-3 years' , again something I've never brought up....but what does it mean?! Can you wise people share some thoughts on this? I'm quite confused about this behaviour:confused:- we used to be able to spend great time together but now its being overshadowed by all the criticism.. oh and sex hasn't been that high on his 'list of things to do' together Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 Whole bunch of negative words, yet you're still in the game. Probably worthwhile to examine why. If he was smart and into you, even with all the negging, he'd be having regular sex with you to keep the oxytocin up, augmenting the bond. Dumb move on his part. I won't opine there's someone else in the picture, but his behavior doesn't sound healthy to me. Try using the word 'unacceptable' when the negging comes up and see where things go. My sympathies. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 Have you told him that you think he's being overly critical? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Peaceandlove Posted March 8, 2010 Author Share Posted March 8, 2010 I have, but he's not very good with confrontation - his response is mainly 'are you gonna dump me now?' ps. he wants me to meet his parents next week Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 his response is mainly 'are you gonna dump me now?' As someone who never says such things, but rather acts, I have a question: How do you feel when you hear those words and what precludes you from saying 'yes'? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Peaceandlove Posted March 8, 2010 Author Share Posted March 8, 2010 my response to his 'are you gonna break up with me' is that relationships need work from both parties and the reason I'm bringing up whatever issue is bothering me is because I value our relationship enough to voice any concerns I have so that things can improve and get better- i don't just walk away as soon as the first obstacle arises.... Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 Tell him, "No, but we really need to work on it or it may lead to that in the future" ? Edit: Sorry, didn't see your reply. What did he say then? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Peaceandlove Posted March 8, 2010 Author Share Posted March 8, 2010 ...and what does the 'don't expect a proposal' thing mean?! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 He's outlining the terms of the relationship. If you are not interested in a relationship progressing to marriage, this is the right guy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Peaceandlove Posted March 8, 2010 Author Share Posted March 8, 2010 carhil...you're probably right, and come to think of it this would be the sort of advice I'd give a girlfriend of mine... it's so hard to see things when you're so close to the whole thing so dissapointed.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Peaceandlove Posted March 8, 2010 Author Share Posted March 8, 2010 elswyn: he never really has anything memorable to say back to that Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 * my weight and what I eat (note I weight 115 pounds and measure 5 ft 5in and I'm feel really good in my skin..) * how I take care of myself, saying things like 'you should wax more often' * how I spend my money Control freak. He wants to knock you down a peg or two because deep down he is insecure. A loving, caring partner does not criticize about these things. Whenever I bring something up that is bothering me he asks me if I'm going to break-up with him...which is something I never used as a threat or even hinted it. Very immature reaction to your normal, healthy approach to problem resolution. Also he says things like 'you shouldn't expect me to propose for at least 2-3 years' , again something I've never brought up....but what does it mean?! Means: I'm in control, I set the pace. oh and sex hasn't been that high on his 'list of things to do' together Sex is the barometer. Sounds like he's testing you in all kinds of ways. If I were you, I'd lay down some boundaries pronto. Let him know his negative criticism is not welcome. Read "Why Men Marry Bitches" to get some insight into standing up for yourself and establishing balanced, healthy relationship dynamics. Link to post Share on other sites
single-n-lonely Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 Peaceandlove, That sucks. I have been there with a man before too. It's uncalled for for him to be judgmental. You don;t need that stress and drama in your life. the point of a relaitonship is to feel good, not judged. i wouldnt put up with it if i were you! find a guy who treats you better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Peaceandlove Posted March 8, 2010 Author Share Posted March 8, 2010 thanks for your responses guys Ruby slippers:I've actually read both 'men love' and 'men marry bitches' and both were insightful and fun reads! I've learned a lot from these books and tried to apply some of the concepts to my relationship...but there's so much one can do.. single-n-lonely: i'm getting increasingly fed-up and i think a good sit-down talk would clear a lot in my head i wonder what the best way to approach him is..i don't want him to get apprehensive Link to post Share on other sites
CandyGirlXO Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 Just wanted to say sorry you're going through this! I know it sucks, and he reminds me A LOT of my EXBF! My EXBF would also get mad at me for the things I would eat, and he would also get mad at me if I didn't go to the gym as often as he would have liked. I am 5'2, 105lbs. You are 5'5 115lbs, you should not be worried about your weight! He also would get down on me about my job, telling me that during my failed attempts at getting a better job, I would not tell the interviewers "what they wanted to hear" even though I really tried my best, it was never good enough for him. He would always make me feel bad that my family wasn't rich like his family, and talk down about my family. Yeah they are not great, but its still my family. Those are the few things that I can remember off the top of my head, but he was just overall very controlling. What he wanted me to wear, who I can hang out with, etc.... I was with him for 3 years, and it was extremely hard for me to let it go. Mainly because he would just sit there and cry to me and it would always just get me. Express your feelings, if he doesn't change, YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE BETTER! BF's should make you feel good about yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 BF's should make you feel good about yourself. Yep. Think about your friends -- with some of them, you feel more fabulous just being in their presence. Some just drag you down; their energy makes you feel crappy. Same thing with men. I have been in relationships in which his behavior made me feel that I was never good enough, and in others in which his behavior made me feel that I was fabulous and awesome. It's not hard to decide which of these is preferable. Link to post Share on other sites
amymarieca Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 This guy is not overly critical. He's verbally abusive. The problem is not you, and this guy is really insecure. No one should make you feel like crap about yourself, and this is clearly what he is doing. You are already seeing major red flags and if I were you, I wouldn't stick around long enough to see how bad it's going to get. You should take a look at some signs of abusive men, and see how much they match up to your boyfriend's behaviour. As far as the marriage crap he is giving you, you should ask him next time why he thinks YOU would want to marry him after all that time. I bet that would throw him for a loop! Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Carl Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 A friend of mine is like this with his women. He's destroyed at least two long term relationships this way. Always nagging them about their choices. The was a lot of either explicit or implicit criticism of them. Then he was destroyed when they got fed up and left him. Strangely enough, he always turns around and jumps right into another relationship. Why he does it, I don't know. I think he's hard on himself, too. But I also think his women just absorbed a lot of it instead of bristling and standing up for themselves. Maybe that would have caused a lot of fights, or maybe he would have gained respect for them and knocked it off. Hard to say. Link to post Share on other sites
txsilkysmoothe Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 It seems odd that he wants you to meet his parents if he is dissatisfied with the relationship. I wonder if he is getting pressure from them to marry or get more serious. He lashes out at you instead of telling them to back off? Or maybe it is they who want to meet you and he is re-examining everything about you and feeling you won't pass their critique? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Peaceandlove Posted March 9, 2010 Author Share Posted March 9, 2010 I think its his parents who want to meet me though I doubt they would pressure him into getting married... I'm waiting for the right place and time to have a good chat with him about the things that bother me But then again even in the case of the best response scenario, how can I know if his critical behaviour is a passing thing of the moment or more like a personality trait? Link to post Share on other sites
marsle85 Posted March 9, 2010 Share Posted March 9, 2010 I have to completely support what Ruby Slippers wrote. After reading what he's done- I find this situation threatening to you emotionally and mentally. No good. No good. Link to post Share on other sites
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