Don't know why it keeps happening to me

[nothappyjan]

I am 23 turning 24 soon. I have never had a boyfriend in my life and the same thing happens every time I date someone. The longest i've dated someone would be 3months and whether it was 3 months or a few dates every guy just suddenly does the disappearing on me and never contacts again. I have checked with everyone and I dont smell, I am educated and am a teacher I have friends and interests and according to everyone quite good looking and no one can understand why i'm single. I am getting so tired of this constant rejection and its starting to make me lose self esteem.

 

Just couple of weeks ago I started seeing a guy friend who had been begging to go out with me for a year with me and who kept saying how great I was and how all the other guys were jerks and he knew how hurt I had been and then he does the same thing, I actually feel like i cant breath from the hurt anymore especially since he was such a good friend and the one person I thought I could trust. I finally agreed and he lost all interest after a couple of dates.

 

I dont go for gorgeous guys or players I just go for average if not below average guys. Every guy I date is always wanting a relationship and I never act too full on, I let them plan dates and contact me first but i'm always positive when they contact me. I've tried dating online dating meeting guys through friends and work and everytime they lose interest so quick and disappear. Does anyone have ANY advice, how can I stop this happening!!

[MizzBella]

nothappyjan,

 

I'm probably not the best to answer your question - I generally have no problem until the 5/6 month mark in relationships, but I am able to keep guys around at least that long! LOL.

 

Do you come on too strong maybe? Perhaps reading some books about relationships will give you an idea of what men like and expect in a relationship. I've found some books that are pretty good on the subject of attracting and keeping a quality man: Why Men Love B****es and The Rules. I think that applying the ideas in the books is not very realistic to most people, but at least you can get an idea about what men think about and why they do what they do.

[nothappyjan]

yep i have the rules and pretty much follow all of the rules that apply in that situation. I have also read other dating books and they all say pretty much dont chase the man, dont bring up commitment and pressure them and its all about letting the man take the lead whilst still showing your interested which I do. I would just love to at least hit the 6month mark or something i dont want to marry these guys just have someone to go out with for awhile.....grrr its so frustrating being the girl....anyone else know what i could be doing wrong.

[Left in a Lurch]

Maybe stop reading books telling you who to be and be who you actually are.

 

In a sense you're playing games because you're trying to be who you think the guys want you to be. You are letting them chase you because read they want to take the lead and chase. You are showing interest in a calculating way because level 1 is letting them chase you and level 2 is showing enough interest to keep them persuing. Where's the fun in that?

 

It sounds like the guys are asking you out so they have interest but maybe they are interested in you and not the character you play on a date.

[nothappyjan]

hmmm but from every guy I know they all admit they are a bit turned off when a woman chases them, on dates i dont play games all i do is let the man do most of the contacting,which is what everyone in the world says to do. With the most recent guy who was my friend it was the opposite because he was my friend i felt like i could talk to him whenever but it obviously didnt help much as i would sometimes initiate contact and once i started showing that i liked him back he kinda freaked out and lost all interest maybe he was only interested in the chase and once i was interested it wasnt fun for him anymore.

[TouchedByViolet]

Do guys leave you at the same in every relationship. Like first time making out, or first time having sex? Are they just uninterested?

[nothappyjan]

Do guys leave you at the same in every relationship. Like first time making out, or first time having sex? Are they just uninterested?

 

no exact pattern sometimes they leave after just making out sometimes they leave later, haven't had sex with any of them as we never make it to exclusivity:bunny:, it's always we go on a date i leave thinking everythings fine the guys are always affectionate and interested and then they will sms cant wait to see you again, make new plans etc etc and then they will just disappear i sometimes contact after they've gone quiet for over 4 or so days in case something else happened and i will get no reply....i find it odd they dont even want to wait and con me into exclusivity so they can get sex and then disppear

[TouchedByViolet]

no exact pattern sometimes they leave after just making out sometimes they leave later, haven't had sex with any of them as we never make it to exclusivity:bunny:, it's always we go on a date i leave thinking everythings fine the guys are always affectionate and interested and then they will sms cant wait to see you again, make new plans etc etc and then they will just disappear i sometimes contact after they've gone quiet for over 4 or so days in case something else happened and i will get no reply....i find it odd they dont even want to wait and con me into exclusivity so they can get sex and then disppear

 

yes, something is VERY wrong. have you tried asking the guys what turned them off? At 23 and being good looking you should have plenty of options

[bac]

I read books "what men want" by Gersman and it was really good advice.

I hated the book "Why men love b..tes" and I did not read it.

Then I read some good books written for men because I wanted to understand how they think. Those books are "the laidguide" and "how to get the most beautiful girls in bed".

 

 

If you date men only for 3 months, your guys are probably players.

 

If you are OK to be FWBs with men, you will have a hard time to get rid of too many men. But, I guess that it is rare that a young girl would want to be a FWBs. It is useful to multidate. IMO all men, who are dating online, use multidating.

 

Also, it is helpful to use NLP.

[nothappyjan]

well the guys arent really hanging around so i cant ask them,

[5105571]

I am 23 turning 24 soon. I have never had a boyfriend in my life and the same thing happens every time I date someone. The longest i've dated someone would be 3months and whether it was 3 months or a few dates every guy just suddenly does the disappearing on me and never contacts again. I have checked with everyone and I dont smell, I am educated and am a teacher I have friends and interests and according to everyone quite good looking and no one can understand why i'm single. I am getting so tired of this constant rejection and its starting to make me lose self esteem.

 

Just couple of weeks ago I started seeing a guy friend who had been begging to go out with me for a year with me and who kept saying how great I was and how all the other guys were jerks and he knew how hurt I had been and then he does the same thing, I actually feel like i cant breath from the hurt anymore especially since he was such a good friend and the one person I thought I could trust. I finally agreed and he lost all interest after a couple of dates.

 

I dont go for gorgeous guys or players I just go for average if not below average guys. Every guy I date is always wanting a relationship and I never act too full on, I let them plan dates and contact me first but i'm always positive when they contact me. I've tried dating online dating meeting guys through friends and work and everytime they lose interest so quick and disappear. Does anyone have ANY advice, how can I stop this happening!!

 

 

Wow, change the age to 26, and reverse the sexes and you've described me to a "T." I'm educated, super smart, have a decent job, I've got cool hobbies and interests, and many women have and would call me cute. But the exact same thing has happened to me.

 

I know how it feels and it sucks. It makes it even worse to have so many things going for yourself and still have all these relationships inexplicably fail. It would make it so much easier to point the finger at one flaw and say "I need to fix that," but you can't. Am I right?

 

we should date each other and see who stops contacting the other first.

 

Honestly, I'd love to give you solid advice, but it's just impossible to say without having met you. It doesn't seem like a physical thing, otherwise they wouldn't start dating you in the first place.

 

It's unfortunate the people we date don't give us a little feedback, just to know what's going through their mind when they pull the plug. But that's life I guess.

[d0ll]

I know how you feel, same thing happens to me but I have come to the conclusion that they are all learning experiences & they just aren't meant to be because there's something so much better waiting & I think it's better it ends early kinda saves some heartache

[nothappyjan]

Wow, change the age to 26, and reverse the sexes and you've described me to a "T." I'm educated, super smart, have a decent job, I've got cool hobbies and interests, and many women have and would call me cute. But the exact same thing has happened to me.

 

I know how it feels and it sucks. It makes it even worse to have so many things going for yourself and still have all these relationships inexplicably fail. It would make it so much easier to point the finger at one flaw and say "I need to fix that," but you can't. Am I right?

 

we should date each other and see who stops contacting the other first.

 

Honestly, I'd love to give you solid advice, but it's just impossible to say without having met you. It doesn't seem like a physical thing, otherwise they wouldn't start dating you in the first place.

 

It's unfortunate the people we date don't give us a little feedback, just to know what's going through their mind when they pull the plug. But that's life I guess.

 

 

haha maybe i should make up little review cards where they have to leave a comment and rate various parts of me out of 10...physical, chemistry, conversation, etc

 

well if you dont give up i wont give up, hopefully one day we will find a person who will stick around!

[utterer of lies]

Just couple of weeks ago I started seeing a guy friend who had been begging to go out with me for a year with me and who kept saying how great I was and how all the other guys were jerks and he knew how hurt I had been and then he does the same thing, I actually feel like i cant breath from the hurt anymore especially since he was such a good friend and the one person I thought I could trust. I finally agreed and he lost all interest after a couple of dates.

 

But according to your own words he IS a good friend to you and worthy of your trust. He left when he noticed that you weren't compatible after all, instead of taking advantage of your loneliness and desperation and using you for sex before dumping you.

 

I dont go for gorgeous guys or players I just go for average if not below average guys.

 

Maybe your low self-esteem is part of the problem.

 

Every guy I date is always wanting a relationship and I never act too full on, I let them plan dates and contact me first but i'm always positive when they contact me. I've tried dating online dating meeting guys through friends and work and everytime they lose interest so quick and disappear. Does anyone have ANY advice, how can I stop this happening!!

 

Maybe you don't give out the right signals, or miss theirs? Maybe they feel friend-zoned after 'a few dates' with nothing happening?

 

What's the difference between the first and the last date? You must have an idea where things have started to go wrong in the past...

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

I am 23 turning 24 soon. I have never had a boyfriend in my life and the same thing happens every time I date someone. The longest i've dated someone would be 3months and whether it was 3 months or a few dates every guy just suddenly does the disappearing on me and never contacts again. I have checked with everyone and I dont smell, I am educated and am a teacher I have friends and interests and according to everyone quite good looking and no one can understand why i'm single. I am getting so tired of this constant rejection and its starting to make me lose self esteem.

 

Just couple of weeks ago I started seeing a guy friend who had been begging to go out with me for a year with me and who kept saying how great I was and how all the other guys were jerks and he knew how hurt I had been and then he does the same thing, I actually feel like i cant breath from the hurt anymore especially since he was such a good friend and the one person I thought I could trust. I finally agreed and he lost all interest after a couple of dates.

 

I dont go for gorgeous guys or players I just go for average if not below average guys. Every guy I date is always wanting a relationship and I never act too full on, I let them plan dates and contact me first but i'm always positive when they contact me. I've tried dating online dating meeting guys through friends and work and everytime they lose interest so quick and disappear. Does anyone have ANY advice, how can I stop this happening!!

 

Do you ever have sex with these guys? Be honest, because this is EXTREMELY important to men. It's not "sleazy."

[nothappyjan]

no i dont have sex with these guys, i don't believe in casual sex and i know how rejected i feel without the sex even being a factor so i cant imagine how bad i would feel if i had ended up having sex with them.

[Don'tWannabeAWannabe]

no i dont have sex with these guys, i don't believe in casual sex and i know how rejected i feel without the sex even being a factor so i cant imagine how bad i would feel if i had ended up having sex with them.

 

Then THAT'S the problem. I'm sorry, but sex is extremely important to men, and if you're not willing to provide it, then that's a HUGE portion of the relationship being left out. It also makes the guy feel undesired sexually, which is a huge letdown.

 

I've NEVER committed to a girl before having sex (what if we commit and I find out she's a bad lover? Or worse, doesn't like sex at all?) It makes me wonder "Am I gonna have to wait and beg for it?"

 

So I'm sorry, but there's nothing wrong with having sex early in a relationship. I believe the best relationships start passionately. My last ex of almost a year had sex on our second date, after knowing each other for only 4 days. We sneaked into a park in the evening in the rain. It was extremely passionate and romantic. I fell for her near-instantly. I probably wouldn't have if it wasn't for that night.

 

Do you legitimately not want sex? Or do you genuinely want it but "holding it off" when you meet these guys?

[nothappyjan]

Then THAT'S the problem. I'm sorry, but sex is extremely important to men, and if you're not willing to provide it, then that's a HUGE portion of the relationship being left out. It also makes the guy feel undesired sexually, which is a huge letdown.

 

I've NEVER committed to a girl before having sex (what if we commit and I find out she's a bad lover? Or worse, doesn't like sex at all?) It makes me wonder "Am I gonna have to wait and beg for it?"

 

So I'm sorry, but there's nothing wrong with having sex early in a relationship. I believe the best relationships start passionately. My last ex of almost a year had sex on our second date, after knowing each other for only 4 days. We sneaked into a park in the evening in the rain. It was extremely passionate and romantic. I fell for her near-instantly. I probably wouldn't have if it wasn't for that night.

 

Do you legitimately not want sex? Or do you genuinely want it but "holding it off" when you meet these guys?

 

so your saying the only way for me to get a b/f it to have sex with someone after the first date....i dont think thats a person i'd want to be in a relationship with:(

[BeeMine]

so your saying the only way for me to get a b/f it to have sex with someone after the first date....i don't think thats a person I'd want to be in a relationship with:(

first of all that is not the answer and your right, a person who wont date you because you don't 'put out' is not worth your time energy or love. Maybe the problem is your looking for love. Love should come unexpectedly and you shouldn't have search for it. Perhaps I'm wrong but the best things in life are unexpected surprises am I right?. Maybe try not looking for awhile see how that works. when you find someone try not to be clingy or overbearing just be casual and friendly but show your interest in the person and be yourself. Lastly but most importantly there is nothing wrong with you and make sure you know that. You are how you are and you are perfect in your own way and if they are unable to see that they are wrong for you. Learn to be happy with yourself when you are on your own as well because what makes you think you will be capable of loving someone if you don't love yourself first? which is essential in making a relationship work. Also deal with your self-esteem issues as well. Take a 'me' time and wait for him to come to you.

Edited March 7, 2010 by BeeMine

[Moonstruck]

Why don't you try asking the friend? If you two have known each other for a year, he'd probably respond to a short, direct question.

 

And maybe there's nothing wrong with you. I don't buy that people with great qualities should excel at love just like they excel at work or hobbies. It takes two people who are really into each other, could just be that you haven't met that person yet. How many guys have you dated?

[nothappyjan]

Well the friend guy who had been acting strange since the dates, spoke to me on msn, and he was bored and just chatting and we were asking random questions and then i just decuded to straight out ask him if he liked me or thought of me as just a friend,i said just be honest cause i dont want to lose our friendship. it took him awhile to answer then he said yes i like you and asked me..is the feeling mutual i said yes

 

Then we both kinda had to go and i thought ok, that's better but since then he still hasnt texted like he used to all the time, he doesnt talk to me like he used to and hasnt made plans for us to go out again. Normally i would never ask a guy something like that but considering he was my friend and i always asked for the truth i thought it was better than guessing.

 

but we still seem to be going nowhere, he was always soooo keen when i was totally not interested and didnt even return always his texts, but if i keep acting like that we'd never end up going out anyway....i'm so confused. I didnt want to play games thats why i just wanted to talk openly but he seems to only like me when im totally unatainable, are there guys who will only want what they cant have. He seems so nice and genuine though, i just dont understand. For at least 2 days im not going to go anywhere where he can see me or chat, so no fb or msn or any games we both play and see if he misses me and actually wants to track me down via phone to talk....do you think thats a good idea?

[nothappyjan]

Why don't you try asking the friend? If you two have known each other for a year, he'd probably respond to a short, direct question.

 

And maybe there's nothing wrong with you. I don't buy that people with great qualities should excel at love just like they excel at work or hobbies. It takes two people who are really into each other, could just be that you haven't met that person yet. How many guys have you dated?

 

In the last 3 yrs probably dated about 12 guys, 3 i wasn't interested in due to finding out they were very weird and dealbreaking behaviour. 1 he kinda faded away but i wasnt keen so was glad he did. The rest i would have kept seeing but they all faded out on me generally its after the 4th date things go downhill, it sounds like it could be sex but a couple of the guys didnt want to come to my house and i was never invited to theirs and only wanted to meet out, so it wasnt even like they were trying to make sex happen, unless they wanted me to sleep with them in a restaurant or movie theatre!

 

Actually the more i think i seem to date guys who dont show much emotion or affection and aren't really very open people, they are all different ages, races, jobs, etc but none of them really seem like they actually want a relationship....maybe i pick out commitnment phobes without meaning too:eek:

[MalachiX]

This would be a LOT easier if we could see how you acted on dates. I mean, if you really have such a track record with guys despite being young, succsesful, and good looking; it's gotta be something interesting.

 

Anyway, here are a few possabilities:

 

1. Lack of Sex - You don't have to put out on the first date but most couples I know are used to having sex within the first month or so of dating. In my experience, you never really have the "exclusive" talk before having sex. Usually, we have sex and then I figure, "I guess we're exclusive now." It may not be the best way of doing things but it seems to be the norm in my circle of friends in our 20s.

 

2. Virginity? - Not trying to pry but since you said you've never had a BF and refuse to have sex without commitment, I can't help but assume you're a virgin. Even if you're not, if you speak about your past to these guys the way you have with us, they might assume you're a virgin. That can actually make some guys REALLY nervous. There can be a lot of pressure being someone's first.

 

3. Subconcious seleciton - I think there's a big chance you may be picking guys who you know are emotionally distant because you yourself are actually scared of getting close to someone for the first time. Even though you really want a relationship, you may still have that subconcious fear.

 

Those are three quick guesses but, to be honest, my guy tells me it's something else and you probably have a bit more of an idea than you're willing to let yourself admit. Is there honestly NOTHING that you suspect may be driving away these guys? Not a thing? I mean, I come up with a billion reasons why any date goes badly an agonize over them for weeks. You really can't think of anything?

[nothappyjan]

hmm randomly i just got a text from a guy i never dated again after our first date after seeing my profile online and we were chatting and according to him he thought i wasnt interested and didnt plan another date because when he hugged me goodbye he didnt think my hug was tight enough so he assumed i wasnt interested. Now this was the first meeting i just gave a regular hug without squeezing his gizards ....personally i thought the hug meant he wasnt too interested in me....weird world the land of dating:D

[nothappyjan]

This would be a LOT easier if we could see how you acted on dates. I mean, if you really have such a track record with guys despite being young, succsesful, and good looking; it's gotta be something interesting.

 

Anyway, here are a few possabilities:

 

1. Lack of Sex - You don't have to put out on the first date but most couples I know are used to having sex within the first month or so of dating. In my experience, you never really have the "exclusive" talk before having sex. Usually, we have sex and then I figure, "I guess we're exclusive now." It may not be the best way of doing things but it seems to be the norm in my circle of friends in our 20s.

 

2. Virginity? - Not trying to pry but since you said you've never had a BF and refuse to have sex without commitment, I can't help but assume you're a virgin. Even if you're not, if you speak about your past to these guys the way you have with us, they might assume you're a virgin. That can actually make some guys REALLY nervous. There can be a lot of pressure being someone's first.

 

3. Subconcious seleciton - I think there's a big chance you may be picking guys who you know are emotionally distant because you yourself are actually scared of getting close to someone for the first time. Even though you really want a relationship, you may still have that subconcious fear.

 

Those are three quick guesses but, to be honest, my guy tells me it's something else and you probably have a bit more of an idea than you're willing to let yourself admit. Is there honestly NOTHING that you suspect may be driving away these guys? Not a thing? I mean, I come up with a billion reasons why any date goes badly an agonize over them for weeks. You really can't think of anything?

 

hmm i am a virgin, but no guys would know it as judging from the way i am when out you wouldnt guess, plus i never discuss the past with these guys and give them any clue i would be a virgin, none of the guys are within my circle of friends or anything.

 

:cool:See i never planned on being a virgin at 23....but my friends and i all had protective parents and never really had a chance in high school then suddenly i was behind and at 18-20 it was all about hooking up for the night in clubs etc which i wasnt interested in as sex had now become something meaningful for me, i would want to tell the guy i'm dating and would be happy to have sex between 1 month and 3months so its not like i want to wait forever but i dont want to be really hurt and have a guy leave me the next day after having sex which is why i would like it be more than the 4th date plus with all this multi dating it makes me uncomfortable to think they might be hopping in bed with a different girl the next night. I'd like to have the person really know me and like me for who i am......i'm starting to think it might never happen though, i kinda always had the dream that some guy would come along and really like me and not mind i wasn't experienced:love: but i think i'm delusional, i know some super hot popular player dude wouldn't be helpful but i just wanted a guy who didnt need to be loud or confident or super hot, just sweet even a nerdy guy would be great......