I'm neurotic - how do I respond in a non-neurotic way?

[JessaL]

I wanted to talk to b/f about something specific last night, but I knew he was going out to dinner with some people so I didn't call him until later.

 

He answered his phone "hey I'm at [friend's] place, I'll call you in 15-20 minutes when I'm leaving." I agreed. I hung out and watched my phone for 30 minutes. It was getting late (he gets up for work 2 hours later than I do), so I plugged my phone in (low batt) across my room, got ready for bed, read in bed.

 

B/f finally called me an hour later. I was about to go to sleep, and my phone was across the room, so I ignored it.

 

This is the part where I'm neurotic (which those of you who've read my other threads already know): It really irritated me that I waited around for him to call me in the timeframe he gave, and then he didn't call for an hour. I think that's rude and obnoxious - how about a text letting me know he's still hanging out, so that I'm not wasting my time watching my phone? And also I hate when people say they'll do something and then don't do it. I like consistency, and yes I realize that I'm a tight*ss about this by nitpicking that he said 20 minutes and then did it in 60 instead. This is most of the real reason I didn't get out of bed to at least answer and say goodnight.

 

I know that this is not something to make a big deal about, and I'm trying to follow the advice given in my first thread. I assessed this as something that irritates me, but isn't worth causing drama over. B/f will probably bring up that I didn't answer when he called last night, or call him back. Should I:

• Just say I was already in bed and totally let this slide
  
• Let him know I was annoyed at his disrespect for my time, and if so, HOW? I need help approaching things in a non-drama way
  
• Some other option?
  

 

Additionally, b/f is a lot more laidback about things than I am (obviously, most people probably are ). He would probably be annoyed that I was annoyed...but I do want to set certain boundaries/expectations with him. Is it enough to just not answer the phone when he calls me back later than he said he would, and not specifically mention it? I've already given in on my usual "no cell phones at dinner" thing, and I don't want to completely set a standard of behavior that I'm not really OK/comfortable with.

[boogieboy]

Setting a standard of behavior is one thing, but you dont want to let things slide just to be satisfied. You have to learn not to set expectations for everything. If he didnt call you in the time frame he told, so what? If he was neurotic as you, he could be mad that you decided to ignore him when he DID call.

 

It takes practice to get out of the habit of enjoying your neurosis. I know you enjoy getting yourself all worked up over things. Once you get the hang of letting things go, and you stop sweating the small stuff, you begin to learn to stop hanging on to things that you shouldnt be. Especially relationships.

[JessaL]

Setting a standard of behavior is one thing, but you dont want to let things slide just to be satisfied. You have to learn not to set expectations for everything. If he didnt call you in the time frame he told, so what? If he was neurotic as you, he could be mad that you decided to ignore him when he DID call.

Well, if he hadn't given me a timeframe, I wouldn't have cared when he called me back. The "so what" is just that I was waiting for that call, and he knows I get up 2 hours earlier than him (at 6am), and therefore usually go to bed earlier - he should've known to either call me when he said he would, or just shoot me a text saying something like "ran late, I'll call you tomorrow instead".

 

It takes practice to get out of the habit of enjoying your neurosis.

WOW....now this is something to think about! This hadn't occurred to me.

[The Paper Knight]

I wanted to talk to b/f about something specific last night, but I knew he was going out to dinner with some people so I didn't call him until later.

 

Give the guy some space! Couldn't it wait in the morning or are you really just calling to make sure he isn't out at a strip club...

[JessaL]

boogieboy, also tried to add:

And I think he is annoyed that I didn't answer (or maybe not annoyed exactly, but kind of like what the hell), because he sent 3 texts from his iPhone to my email account afterward.

[JessaL]

Give the guy some space! Couldn't it wait in the morning or are you really just calling to make sure he isn't out at a strip club...

 

That's retarded and really doesn't have anything to do with anything. If you have any thoughts on my actual question I would love to hear them.

[Kamille]

but I do want to set certain boundaries/expectations with him.

 

He's a full grown man, not a a kid to be raised or a dog to be trained.

 

 

Why do you feel this is so important? Does it give you a sense of control? Are you constantly looking to measure his level of interest? Is there something about the relationship that makes you feel insecure? Is this pattern (that you call drama), one that weaves through all your relationships or is it particular to this one relationship?

 

Of course you're allowed to have your expectations: therefore it's your obligation to communicate them in a respectful way.

 

And, as of now, we still have no idea why your bf called an hour late. Although, to be honest, this isn't something I would get upset about. He has no way of knowing that you waited by the phone. Not to mention that for a lot of us, when we say 15 minutes, we actually mean I'll call you as soon as I can (and don't mean, literally "15 minutes".)

[The Paper Knight]

Some other option?

 

Men are easily distracted and hanging out with mates is distracting.

 

If he brings it up say you waited, but went to sleep - otherwise you will sound spiteful that you couldn’t be bothered answering. You should have answered when he called and given him a serve then and there.

[BWLoca]

If he brings it up, just shrug it off and say you went to sleep. It would only be a big deal if he didn't call back at all.

 

I would probably make some comment about not being able to stay up all night but yes, that would be kind of spiteful

[boogieboy]

 

WOW....now this is something to think about! This hadn't occurred to me.

 

Oh believe me, I used to be a control freak. I used to have anger issues also. I realized that I enjoyed the feeling of the anger, and the controlling nitpicking. One day I woke up and saw it was counterproductive to enjoy the feeling of anger, and started getting out of the habit of finding reasons to get worked up.

 

Now I let things slide, I dont hold people to anything, and it makes them come to me. I dont ever hold people by their words. If they say "ill call you tomorrow", Ill forget about it until they actually call. That way I dont get disappointed. If they say they will do something at a time, and they dont, I know they werent serious, and I dont call them. That includes SO's. They always wind up calling me anyways.

 

Im more like your bf now, and I say "im (busy) right now, and ill prolly be able to call you back in a half maybe. If not sometime later, dont wait for me". That usually means Ill be thinking of you after Im done what Im doing, and sometime later Ill get back to you.

 

The real question is, do you enjoy being neurotic, do you enjoy getting upset about things?

[JessaL]

Why do you feel this is so important? Does it give you a sense of control? Are you constantly looking to measure his level of interest? Is there something about the relationship that makes you feel insecure? Is this pattern (that you call drama), one that weaves through all your relationships or is it particular to this one relationship?

It's important to me because we're currently in a LD relationship. And I suppose also because I think it has to do with good manners/social etiquette.

 

Definitely control has something to do with it. Possibly the other things do as well. I think I do see this as pertaining to his level of interest, but only because in my mind it's tied to attentiveness and mindfulness.

 

I think that boogieboy might really have hit the nail on the head (do I just enjoy this? IDK, but something to think long and hard about).

 

Aaaand, no this isn't a pattern for me (to nitpick/get annoyed at these little things); it's specific to this relationship. For sure, other b/fs had been much more attentive (and of course were lacking in other ways, some of them more important, some less so).

 

And, as of now, we still have no idea why your bf called an hour late.

It was for sure because he hung out for another hour (he left me a vmail).

 

Although, to be honest, this isn't something I would get upset about.

Trust me, I know that I'm one of probably 10 people in the world who would be annoyed about this

 

He has no way of knowing that you waited by the phone.

You're right, he probably didn't know, because he doesn't remember. I've told him several times that if I know he's going to call me, I'll make it a point to have my phone with me, make sure I can hear it and check it. This is because he gets annoyed that I rarely answer my phone when he randomly calls; I have to call him back (I tend to leave my phone lying around in different rooms, leave it at home when I leave the house, etc.).

 

Not to mention that for a lot of us, when we say 15 minutes, we actually mean I'll call you as soon as I can (and don't mean, literally "15 minutes".)

True. And I know that for him this is pretty much always the case - he'll tell me he'll call me right back, and I don't hear from him for an hour or two (or sometimes he doesn't call, but sends me an email instead about something unrelated).

 

The reason I'm annoyed this time was it was getting late - not a problem if he calls me when he said he would. It is a problem when he calls me an hour later and expects me to answer.

 

Probably this is a combination of what boogieboy said, and one or more things you said in the beginning of your post.

 

I'm getting the sense that the way to go is to just tell him I was already asleep when he called

[JessaL]

The real question is, do you enjoy being neurotic, do you enjoy getting upset about things?

 

Well...I definitely don't enjoy feeling crappy and let down all the time. But I probably do enjoy some things about it, in some twisted way.

 

Thank you for your post - that's very valuable to me. Sounds about right for my case...that might be the key to starting to change my thinking.

[Kamille]

Ah, I didn't realize your relationship was LDR. Yes, that changes a few thing and might explain why you're prone to over-analysis in this relationship. But, if this attitude is unique to this relationship, I wonder if maybe you're "picking up" something.

 

 

I'm getting the sense that the way to go is to just tell him I was already asleep when he called

 

I'll probably get totally flamed for this, but here is what I would do: I would say I waited for his call for awhile and then went to bed (it's kind of true). I would, howeverm tell him that while I realized he was busy, I wished he had called in the time frame he mentioned or texted me.

 

See the goal is to be able to talk about this issues in a way where you can both feel heard and understood. You do have to speak up for yourself, but you don't need to be confrontational or even to come prepared with a list of justifications for why you were right to be annoyed by this. What you want to do is let him know how it makes you feel (avoid judgemental words such as "disrespected' and stick to "emotional" words that apply to you: annoyed, insecure etc.)

 

Then see what he says and if what he says seems right for you. (In other words, leave him room to take the lead on solving this issue).

[make me believe]

This would bother me, too! I mean, if you are going to give someone a timeframe it's just rude not to stick to it. He should have texted you to let you know he was still at his friend's house. As for how to respond to the situation, I would just tell him that you went to sleep when you hadn't heard from him, and ask him nicely to make a better attempt to stick to the timeframes he gives you in the future.

[JessaL]

Ah, I didn't realize your relationship was LDR. Yes, that changes a few thing and might explain why you're prone to over-analysis in this relationship. But, if this attitude is unique to this relationship, I wonder if maybe you're "picking up" something.

Honestly, I know that I have a tendency to be emotional (dramatic, moody, whatever word you want to use - my dad used to call me Tenderheart Bear, hence the avi); I rarely act on that though - most people think I'm a very calm and even-tempered person.

 

I also think that being LD is bringing out that side of me and breaking down my self-control a bit.

 

I know who my b/f is, and I had thought that I accepted him "as is". Now that we are LD though, the flaws that I thought I had accepted are seeming unacceptable to me. Part of the problem is that his flaws are things like he's indecisive (analysis paralysis), he's forgetful, he is laid-back to the max, he can be pretty self-absorbed. When we were physically close those things didn't matter as much (very occasionally caused brief annoyance or impatience on my part, but overall shrugged it off, if it was on my radar at all).

 

 

 

I'll probably get totally flamed for this, but here is what I would do: I would say I waited for his call for awhile and then went to bed (it's kind of true). I would, howeverm tell him that while I realized he was busy, I wished he had called in the time frame he mentioned or texted me.

 

See the goal is to be able to talk about this issues in a way where you can both feel heard and understood. You do have to speak up for yourself, but you don't need to be confrontational or even to come prepared with a list of justifications for why you were right to be annoyed by this. What you want to do is let him know how it makes you feel (avoid judgemental words such as "disrespected' and stick to "emotional" words that apply to you: annoyed, insecure etc.)

 

Then see what he says and if what he says seems right for you. (In other words, leave him room to take the lead on solving this issue).

This is really good advice, and I do need help in communicating this way when I choose to bring up an issue.

 

Because I do think that boogieboy is right about a lot of things I decided to just respond to one of his emails (ignoring them was rather passive-aggressive on my part, out of annoyance at him); I kept the tone very positive, mentioned that I went to bed about a half hour after I called him and thanked him for calling me back (positive reinforcement, right?).

 

Thanks all we responded

[single-n-lonely]

I don't think it's a big deal if it happens every once in a while, but if he does that every time he promises u something, i'd get annoyed with it too! if you can't rely on your boyfriend, who on earth CAN u rely on!?

[boogieboy]

I don't think it's a big deal if it happens every once in a while, but if he does that every time he promises u something, i'd get annoyed with it too! if you can't rely on your boyfriend, who on earth CAN u rely on!?

 

Problem is you cant control what peo;le do. And if you do, they deliberately do the opposite just to show you that you wont submit, instead of communicating it with words. So if he does this often, and prolly wont change, the bext thing to do is to work around it, and not expect to hear from him even in his own timeframe. (After discussing it with him as Kamille said)

[hats]

Problem is you cant control what peo;le do. And if you do, they deliberately do the opposite just to show you that you wont submit, instead of communicating it with words. So if he does this often, and prolly wont change, the bext thing to do is to work around it, and not expect to hear from him even in his own timeframe. (After discussing it with him as Kamille said)

 

This post is spot on, except I wouldn't even discuss it. There's no point because it's one of those things he's probably not going to change, and the pressure you're putting on him to change is only going to hurt the relationship. Next time when he says he'll call you in an hour or something just say, "oh that's ok just call me whenever/tomorrow" or "don't worry just take your time and have fun with the boys" or whatever.

[JessaL]

The thing is, my b/f is a great person, and a pretty good b/f. Our relationship is pretty great. He treats me so well in all the areas that matter. I know he loves me a lot, no doubt, so does it really matter if he calls me back later than he said he would? It definitely shouldn't. I know that I really need to work on myself, not him. I'm printing out boogieboy's post and taping it above my desk - I know that I'm emotional, but I can control my emotions/response to them. What bb said is really the key to changing my thinking, which is the big problem, and what makes me feel angry and crappy all the time.

[single-n-lonely]

that is so true boogieboy!

 

the only other thing u can do really is break up and if the relationship is good other than that, its silly to break up over something so small.

 

i'm glad u found an answer that helped u jessaL. its great that theres a site where we can go and get a man's perspective!

 

quite honestly, the neurotic thing might just be a girl thang. im definitely no stranger to it!

[Kamille]

This post is spot on, except I wouldn't even discuss it. There's no point because it's one of those things he's probably not going to change, and the pressure you're putting on him to change is only going to hurt the relationship. Next time when he says he'll call you in an hour or something just say, "oh that's ok just call me whenever/tomorrow" or "don't worry just take your time and have fun with the boys" or whatever.[/QUOTE]

 

That's a good point.

 

I just want to clarify that the goal of Jessa in communicating with her bf wouldn't be to change his behavior but to arrive at an understanding.

 

It's the opposite of putting a guard up and getting defensive. It's about opening up and letting your guards down, even when the other person doesn't behave how we would like them too.

 

It works for bf and me. When bf does something that bothers me, instead of letting resentment build, I take responsbility for my emotions and the relationship and communicate my concerns to him. We never "make promises" after an exchange (that he will never do xyz again), but instead we get to know each other. His behavior hasn't totally changed (he's a workaholic) but I do see that he makes an effort to communicate better when he goes in workaholic mode. Meanwhile, I have more patience for his workaholism since I now feel reassured that these episodes aren't meant to be disrespectful. They're just his modus operandi.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

That wasn't neurotic!

 

 

That was just an expectation of common courtesy from somebody who owed you at least that!

[JessaL]

That wasn't neurotic!

 

 

That was just an expectation of common courtesy from somebody who owed you at least that!

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way