No Physical Attraction

[missmarymac]

My boyfriend told me last night that he has never found me physically attractive, but still loves me very much. This comes after him telling me he wants a break to think about things (he did this on Valentine's Day). We have been dating for 2 1/2 years and have had sex many times. He just tells me this and said he never planned on doing it, because he never wanted to hurt my feelings. I am devastated! He has been pushing my weight loss, which I know I need to lose weight, but now he said he wants to be my best friend and will support me with my weight loss. When we were dating, he was pushing it hard and the stress caused me to gain weight.

 

So, I love him very much, but I am crushed by this news. He never was going to tell me. Now when he calls, he asks why I am so cold to him. Am I wrong for thinking that he's shallow and selfish? I broke up with him last night and it was so hard because I love him so much.

[neowulf]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

 

It sounds as if your boyfriend felt he "settled" for you (Given the lack of physical attraction).

 

While having a partner gain a *huge* amount of weight can be a turn off, I don't see that going up a dress size is reason to simply throw you to the curve.

 

Love isn't about your dress size. If he *really* loved you, he'd look past the imperfections.

 

While I do believe he's trying to be honest, he's being disrespectful and insensitive about it.

[make me believe]

Your boyfriend is an ass!!! Why did he get involved with you if he was NEVER physically attracted to you, and then string you along for 2.5 years only to cruelly throw it back in your face? Ugh. You absolutely did the right thing to break up with him! Now you need to cut this jerk out of your life completely. You don't need him as a "friend" supporting you in your weight loss. If you want to lose weight, great! Do it for yourself, though, not him.

[meerkat stew]

OP, he is likely not telling the truth about having never been attracted, he just feels it is the best thing to say so as to appear less cruel about your weight. I disagree with other posters who say he is an ass, there's just as good a chance that this is tough for him too.

 

None of that really matters though, you aren't suited for each other any more, things aren't going to change, so the best course is to break cleanly, keep out of contact and heal up before moving on to other options.

[txsilkysmoothe]

You did the right thing by ending the relationship. You don't need his pity friendship. I doubt it's just about your weight. It's a shame you put so much time into this relationship, but you deserve better. You're headed in the right direction. FYI - some women lose weight after a break-up.

[carhill]

Sorry to hear about your issues. It sounds like you found a good active resolution to an unhealthy situation.

 

When we were dating, he was pushing it <weight loss> hard and the stress caused me to gain weight.

If you're prone to hypothyroidism and under stress, this can create cortisol-induced insulin resistance, which can cause the body to store more energy in fat cells. Body (and brain) chemistry is very complex; the key is methodical analysis and treatment. Having a loving and supportive partner is a great asset. It sucks feeling alone and unheard when in a relationship. On a positive note, be thankful you didn't marry him. Love is actions and, though you say he loves you (he says) his actions speak otherwise. Sometimes that's how life works out, whether you're dating, in a LTR, or married. Beating the dead horse ain't gonna make him stand up. Time to move on. Best wishes.

[polksaladannie]

So the guy serves his country, gets severely injured in battle and you're saying that he got what he deserved because he told his cheating wife that she's fat? WOW....I'm at a loss for words. Quite an 'army wife' you are.

 

You have the order of the story mixed up. He verbally abused her by calling her fat and then she had the affair. He got what he deserved because he was an ass.

[carhill]

Off-topic, but he's responsible for being an 'ass' and she's responsible for her infidelity. He's not responsible for both. They both handled their marriage in an unhealthy way. The OP, OTOH, seems to have found a positive resolution here. Good on her. I wish her well in her healing.

[meerkat stew]

The night before he deployed, he did not tell her he loved her; he told her how fat she was.

 

You sure about that? Were you there? Sounds reeeeeeal fishy, kind of like the thing that cheaters say every day to rationalize and justify their cheating to their friends.

 

While this gem was gone, my friend met another soldier(better looking and higher ranking) and had an affair. It was the only time I saw the wives-to include myself-supporting a situation like this. Happily, the affair turned into a relationship and they are now a couple. She divorced his sorry ass.

 

How convenient for your cheating friend.

 

And the POS shallow DH? Oh yeah, he lost a leg over there, was severely burned and has PTSD. Karma is a mother;)

 

Well of course, that's a proper sense of perspective, he deserved to have his leg blown off because he told his wife she was fat. Makes perfect logical sense to women. I'm sure you all sit around and hoot over that one.

 

Karma is indeed a bitch, will leave you to determine the primary vehicle by which karma is visited on man in this life, and it's not a mortar shell.

[Johnny M]

You have the order of the story mixed up. He verbally abused her by calling her fat and then she had the affair. He got what he deserved because he was an ass.

Have you heard his side of the story, or did you automatically assumie that the cheating wife was an angel? I am willing to bet it wasn't the first time she cheated either. Military personnel and adulterous lifestyle go hand in hand - that's a well-known fact.

 

In any event, cheating is cheating regardless of the excuses. If he was as nasty to her as you claim he was, why didn't she leave him? Could it be because she was no angel herself? Or perhaps it had something to do with the fact that she was quite happy to live on the money he was being paid for putting his life in danger??

 

People like this woman are the lowest of the low.

[skydiveaddict]

Military personnel and adulterous lifestyle go hand in hand - that's a well-known fact.

 

 

.

 

 

Really? Where did you get this "well known" fact?

[polksaladannie]

Have you heard his side of the story, or did you automatically assumie that the cheating wife was an angel? I am willing to bet it wasn't the first time she cheated either. Military personnel and adulterous lifestyle go hand in hand - that's a well-known fact.

 

In any event, cheating is cheating regardless of the excuses. If he was as nasty to her as you claim he was, why didn't she leave him? Could it be because she was no angel herself? Or perhaps it had something to do with the fact that she was quite happy to live on the money he was being paid for putting his life in danger??

 

People like this woman are the lowest of the low.

 

She actually worked while he was gone and made more money. Low or not, she is happy and he is alone;)

[Johnny M]

Really? Where did you get this "well known" fact?

Ask anyone who's in the military.

[skydiveaddict]

Ask anyone who's in the military.

 

 

 

LMAO!! I AM in the military!

[polksaladannie]

LMAO!! I AM in the military!

 

He shoots, he scores!

[carhill]

Ask anyone who's in the military.

Sorry to say the my experience with friends in the service mirrors this, on both sides (active duty and civilian). I wouldn't be here if my dad's first wife hadn't had an affair and left him while he was active duty in Italy in 1943-44.

 

OP, how old are you? Often, when young, it's hard to understand the nuances of someone dealing with a medical condition and the related psychological fallout. We see that a fair amount here on LS, with attraction and interaction during those years (20's) often grounded in the superficial. You and he may just be in different places right now and value different things....

[bayouboi]

You have the order of the story mixed up. He verbally abused her by calling her fat and then she had the affair. He got what he deserved because he was an ass.

 

lmao @ how people justify affairs. Okay if he was an ass that's fine, divorce the guy THEN meet someone new. I hope you're right about karma being a B & this cheating woman gets a taste of her own medicine someday.

[Johnny M]

LMAO!! I AM in the military!

Sorry, allow me correct myself. Ask any honest person who is in the military.

[Barky]

Some guys will start dating overweight girls when they are desperate for female attention. Then once they get older & more successful and more women are interested in thm, they lose interest in the overweight girl. Happens ALL THE TIME.

[missmarymac]

You did the right thing by ending the relationship. You don't need his pity friendship. I doubt it's just about your weight. It's a shame you put so much time into this relationship, but you deserve better. You're headed in the right direction. FYI - some women lose weight after a break-up.

 

 

Thank you for the advise!

[stillafool]

My boyfriend told me last night that he has never found me physically attractive, but still loves me very much. This comes after him telling me he wants a break to think about things (he did this on Valentine's Day). We have been dating for 2 1/2 years and have had sex many times. He just tells me this and said he never planned on doing it, because he never wanted to hurt my feelings. I am devastated! He has been pushing my weight loss, which I know I need to lose weight, but now he said he wants to be my best friend and will support me with my weight loss. When we were dating, he was pushing it hard and the stress caused me to gain weight.

 

So, I love him very much, but I am crushed by this news. He never was going to tell me. Now when he calls, he asks why I am so cold to him. Am I wrong for thinking that he's shallow and selfish? I broke up with him last night and it was so hard because I love him so much.

 

I'm sorry he hurt you. I think it would be better to let him move on and have no contact at all with him. I don't think a good friend would be so harsh as to say that to you and certainly not your lover. I don't think you can be friends and for your sake, change your information so he can't contact you. I promise this will make it much easier to move on.

[St. Nick]

Off-topic, but he's responsible for being an 'ass' and she's responsible for her infidelity. He's not responsible for both. They both handled their marriage in an unhealthy way. The OP, OTOH, seems to have found a positive resolution here. Good on her. I wish her well in her healing.

Looks like she tried to heal in some other dude's bed.

Have you heard his side of the story, or did you automatically assumie that the cheating wife was an angel? I am willing to bet it wasn't the first time she cheated either. Military personnel and adulterous lifestyle go hand in hand - that's a well-known fact.

 

In any event, cheating is cheating regardless of the excuses. If he was as nasty to her as you claim he was, why didn't she leave him? Could it be because she was no angel herself? Or perhaps it had something to do with the fact that she was quite happy to live on the money he was being paid for putting his life in danger??

 

People like this woman are the lowest of the low.

Cuz your lover called you something nasty is not a good reason to cheat. I agree, Johnny M. If it was such a big deal she should have left him, which would have made her much more grown-up and responsible.

LMAO!! I AM in the military!

 

Sorry, allow me correct myself. Ask any honest person who is in the military.

Damn. Took out skydivingaddict in one shot.

Some guys will start dating overweight girls when they are desperate for female attention. Then once they get older & more successful and more women are interested in thm, they lose interest in the overweight girl. Happens ALL THE TIME.

Yup.

[skydiveaddict]

Damn. Took out skydivingaddict in one shot.

 

Yup.

 

 

yea right. one shot. The dude has never met me, just like you, has never been in the military, just like you, and his only comeback is to call me a liar. Great shot!