neediness?

[shadowplay]

I know some of you are thinking I'm trying to sabotage, pick apart my relationship. I'm not. I've actually been very happy for the most part. But there's still one thing that keeps bugging me, that won't go away.

 

Some of the things he says to me about how he feels are a bit extreme.

 

I absolutely love him and I'm in love with him, but I worry his feelings for me are so strong to the point of being unhealthy. I'd really like to hear some objective feedback on whether I'm making something out of nothing.

 

Bear in mind we've been together 2.5 months.

 

Examples of things he routinely tells me:

 

-You're the most important thing to me in the world. I'd give up anything/everything else in my life to be with you.

 

-I love you more than anything/anyone in the world.

 

-I don't know what I'd do without you. You make me feel more whole. You make my brain work better. (He tells me that I always know what's good/best for him)

 

He also frequently asks me if I'll be with him forever, and he's hung up on me being 100% his. He keeps saying how he wants me to be completely, 100% his and whether I'll always be his.

 

FTR, he's not controlling in any way. He's extremely, extremely sweet and generous. I know him well enough to know he's not going to turn into some abusive jerk if that's what some of you are thinking. He's a genuinely good person through and through, and I can tell he truly cares about me on a deep level and means everything he says.

 

Still, I wonder what it is in him that makes him say some of the more extreme things? I can imagine most people would be uncomfortable if an SO made these statements. I worry he's weak inside. Otherwise, why would I be SO important to him that he would give up everything for me?

 

I want to spend my life with him, so I'm wondering if there's some way of addressing these concerns and nipping them in the bud before they turn into a real problem.

[Hot Carl]

He probably thinks you like to hear that stuff. And/or he actually feels that way. If it's the former, then he's kind of bs-ing you. If it's the latter, then I think you're right to feel uneasy.

 

I doubt you want to be the sole reason a guy has for living. Nor would you want to hear him say it if it wasn't true.

 

I don't have anything other than the standard "talk to him" advice. To be honest it strikes me as a bit immature for him to be saying/feeling those things. And maturity isn't going to just happen because you have a chat.

[boogieboy]

You better talk to him about this, so he doesnt turn you off completely...and you leave him for being too nice. He's got to know he cant wear his heart on his sleeve for you, that it could drive you away.

[threebyfate]

While I agree that some of the things he said were over-the-top, bear in mind he's only 21, in the throws of his first love. I recall the intensity of my first love and the silly things we said to each other.

 

As long as it's not you feeling like you're not worthy, shadow, I would just relax and enjoy this relationship. He's a sweetie.

[IrishCarBomb]

Still, I wonder what it is in him that makes him say some of the more extreme things?

 

Youth and naivete.

 

I may be recalling wrong, but he's pretty young and you're his first, right? My opinion is that he's probably very honestly telling you how he feels, but cannot understand his own feelings. It's just not possible to know those things at 2.5 months. He's infatuated and is convinced it's love, but you cannot love someone when it's "all been roses" without conflict or adversity to really know who the other person is.

 

Wait and see what happens as more time passes. Don't look to cause problems, but look closely if he changes much when the "magic" starts to wear off.

[soulm8]

Hey Shadow,

 

I'd be tempted to let him know that you're feeling a great deal of pressure from his words and would really like to have the freedom to feel those things based on his actions.

 

Just tell him that you need him to relax a bit! You don't want to be the center of his universe - you'd rather be a special part of it. Let's enjoy this and take it one day at a time...

 

Sounds nice... but if he can't tone it down and balance it, it'll become annoying.

[and.then.some]

2.5 months? Or years? 2.5 months, I personally would (and have) run. However, with you saying that your feelings are nearly as strong, maybe he feels you just want to hear those things. Try delicately telling him that you don't want him to... feed you lots of sweet nothings.

 

I found it scary when I've been in that situation because it made me wonder why they were so unhappy otherwise. I don't feel it's good to hang all of your happiness and contentment on one person, no matter how in love you are.

 

As for the potential for violence, I wouldn't completely overlook that. I dated a guy who frequently told me things like this. I told him i needed a break, and I told him why... and still wouldn't stop calling me several times a day just to talk... as if I hadn't already told him to give me space. He ended up outside of my house one morning before work. After that I looked into his background only to learn that he had a "history". You really never know... especially if you've yet to do anything which made him either jealous or insecure. (Not suggesting that you try it out, but some of the nicest people can turn pretty ugly in those situations.)

 

Assuming the best... just finding a way to discuss this with him. If his behavior doesn't change, then you might want to take a breather.

[btc8]

Youth and naivete.

 

I may be recalling wrong, but he's pretty young and you're his first, right? My opinion is that he's probably very honestly telling you how he feels, but cannot understand his own feelings. It's just not possible to know those things at 2.5 months. He's infatuated and is convinced it's love, but you cannot love someone when it's "all been roses" without conflict or adversity to really know who the other person is.

 

Wait and see what happens as more time passes. Don't look to cause problems, but look closely if he changes much when the "magic" starts to wear off.

 

I'd have to agree with this--except that not all youth are naive, and not all naive happen to be youth. He most likely is conflating his infatuation of a first love with what he thinks you want to hear.

 

But what also may be going on is that once you've progressed past novelty of a new relationship, he may act differently and become habituated with the relationship to a point where you already know how much he cares for you that he no longer needs to verbalize it.

 

Also, OP, how have you been responding to his statements? What do you say in return?

[pandagirl]

I understand how you are feeling, SP. I think I would feel the same way if I were in your position. My boyfriend told me he was in love with me after only 6 weeks, and it made me question him.

 

BUT, you are his first love -- and that is a VERY intense feeling. I wouldn't worry so much about the words he's saying, because he's just saying what he feels. I think (correct me if I am wrong) that it's not that he's saying these things to you that bothers you, but that is he putting so much *weight* and emphasis that you are his "reason for living." That's a lot of pressure for anyone to have!

 

Most of us who are older or who have had more experience in relationships understand that no one person is solely responsible for another person's happiness.

 

My guess is as your relationship progresses and matures, that he won't be uttering these types of phrases as much. You'll naturally fall into a less "infatuated" state, but bond through a deeper love. But, since this has been a consistent problem for you, maybe you can gently tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable, while at the time time reassuring him that you love him, too?

[SadandConfusedWA]

I think that it's sweet. I was like that with my first love - he still has lots of growing up to do. But he seems so naive and pure, completely untainted by heartbreak and bitterness - it's beautiful and romantic.

[Simon Attwood]

This is how anyone that hasn't yet been hurt by a partner feels. It's only when we begin to get hurt, that we hide or control and limit these feelings and fear exposing ourselves ...

 

Don't hurt him, Shadow ...

[calazhage]

This is how anyone that hasn't yet been hurt by a partner feels. It's only when we begin to get hurt, that we hide or control and limit these feelings and fear exposing ourselves ...

 

Don't hurt him, Shadow ...

 

 

This is a good point..

 

I also think this post is a good example of why people from many countries view Americans as cold.. We must withhold feelings so as to not scare our partners.

 

It has been my experience that in South America, for example, once you sleep with a woman and a relationship is formed, these types of statements are more or less mandatory. Not saying them would make the guy seem to be odd, cold, or not interested at all. The women might view it as "If he cannot tell me these things, why is he sleeping with me"

 

I never quite understood how to ACT, yes "ACT" when dating American women.. A man has to show feelings, but not too much, not too soon, at the right time, but not all the time, etc etc, or they will be dismissed as "needy". A word I feel is far too often overused.

 

Why wouldn't you be happy he has these feelings, considering he is your boyfriend? It is weak to express feelings? Scary? He might become abusive? I will never figure women out..

Edited February 18, 2010 by calazhage

[shadowplay]

Upon reflection I think you guys are right that he's just sweet and young.

 

I'm not used to this level of expression from a guy, at least at this early stage. He's the direct opposite of my last boyfriend who was emotionally crippled, so maybe that distorted my understanding of what's normal.

 

I broached the topic (very tactfully) with him last night, and what he said made me feel better. He explained that a few days ago there was a fleeting moment when he thought he might lose me and it was the most pain he's ever felt in his life. He said he'd do anything not to ever lose me, but if he did lose me he'd be able to handle it in the long run. He said he'd be down for a very long time, but he'd eventually recover. He also assured me that he has a very strong sense of himself apart from me. I believe him.

 

One thing I love about him is he's honest to a fault. He doesn't just say what I want to hear, so I always trust what he tells me.

[shadowplay]

I think that it's sweet. I was like that with my first love - he still has lots of growing up to do. But he seems so naive and pure, completely untainted by heartbreak and bitterness - it's beautiful and romantic.

 

"Pure" is the perfect word to describe him. He doesn't have a trace of pretension, bitterness or self consciousness. He is completely genuine and straightforward. It doesn't seem to even occur to him to disguise his feelings or not be completely direct with me about who he is.

 

He's also extremely protective of me, which I love. Whenever I'm down or anything at all is troubling me, he is so supportive.

 

As I write this I'm thinking that it's not naivete, but more of a personal choice on his part to be true to himself. After all, he's been hurt by girls before, but didn't change himself in response. He has a low tolerance for BS and people who buckle to societal norms at the expense of their integrity. It may not be lack of awareness, so much as a decision he's made with himself to take another path. When I talk to him about this, it's clear he's thought it through before.

 

I really like this about him. I just have to remind myself that this is who he is, and it's normal. I'm just so used to jaded, guarded guys loaded with baggage.

[Explorer]

Upon reflection I think you guys are right that he's just sweet and young.

 

I'm not used to this level of expression from a guy, at least at this early stage. He's the direct opposite of my last boyfriend who was emotionally crippled, so maybe that distorted my understanding of what's normal.

 

I broached the topic (very tactfully) with him last night, and what he said made me feel better. He explained that a few days ago there was a fleeting moment when he thought he might lose me and it was the most pain he's ever felt in his life. He said he'd do anything not to ever lose me, but if he did lose me he'd be able to handle it in the long run. He said he'd be down for a very long time, but he'd eventually recover. He also assured me that he has a very strong sense of himself apart from me. I believe him.

 

One thing I love about him is he's honest to a fault. He doesn't just say what I want to hear, so I always trust what he tells me.

 

Outside all of the lovey dovey feelings, how do you rate him as a partner? Do you have similar interests? Religion? Views on children? Politics? Are his parents still together? etc ...These are the things that will take priority once the chemistry wears off (Sorry if that comes off as cynical).

[shadowplay]

Outside all of the lovey dovey feelings, how do you rate him as a partner? Do you have similar interests? Religion? Views on children? Politics? Are his parents still together? etc ...These are the things that will take priority once the chemistry wears off (Sorry if that comes off as cynical).

 

Yes to everything. We're incredibly compatible. I can't think of a single important value on which we differ. Sometimes he remarks that we almost seem like the same person. We do have differences, but they're not important ones and they actually make our relationship more interesting.

 

To answer your questions we have very similar interests. Neither of us is religious. We both *probably* want children one day. His parents are still together, and he comes from a healthy, loving family.