Jump to content

Lying & porn


pleasedontbreakme

Recommended Posts

pleasedontbreakme

Ok,

So I've posted previously about my relationship. (thread 1, thread 2) I need some advice on what to do over lying in our relationship.

 

To get to the bottom line---I wouldn't care if he watched porn (nothing too crazy), but he constantly told me (lied) to me that he didn't which made me feel horrible when I found out.

 

Why didn't he just tell me in the first place? It makes me not only feel like our communication is problematic, but that I might not be enough for him sexually. It hurts thinking that if he lied over something so stupid, then what else could be possibly have lied, or be lying about in our relationship? :(

 

FYI We've been together for a year and a half, and he's always the one trying to be open about communication, yet I find porn on his computer when I'm trying to download something.

Link to post
Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup
Why didn't he just tell me in the first place?

 

Given your other threads, he probably sees your insecurities and jealousy issues, so by lying to you about the porn, he is trying to avoid conflict. He probably thinks you'd flip out if he told the truth.

 

It makes me not only feel like our communication is problematic, but that I might not be enough for him sexually.

 

Is your sex life lacking? Does he turn you down when you initiate sex? Does he have trouble getting an erection with you?

 

These are the only indicators that the porn is a serious problem, IMO. If your sex life is otherwise healthy and he still gets all hot 'n bothered being with you, then the porn isn't a substitute for sex, it's just an activity.

 

Of course, that's just my opinion. There are women (namely one poster here who I'm sure will make an appearance shortly) who have a problem with porn no matter what the circumstance. Given your quote "I wouldn't care if he watched porn" you are leading us to believe that you are not one of these women. If you are, though, you certainly don't have to put up with it. However you should know that he's most likely not going to just change. You'll have to move on and find someone who views it as off-limits the way you do (and good luck with that, by the way).

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why would he have to stop lying when he knows you wont leave him over it?

 

Long as you stay, he will lie, thats all there is to it. Theres no consequence for his lying.

 

He will not stop watching porn, or tell you why he's lying. He is an addict, and he doesnt want to be upfront about it. You have to leave him before you waste any more time with him. He will not change as long as you dont leave.

Link to post
Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup
He will not stop watching porn, or tell you why he's lying. He is an addict, and he doesnt want to be upfront about it. You have to leave him before you waste any more time with him. He will not change as long as you dont leave.

 

Unless his watching porn has replaced having actual sex, there's no evidence that he's an addict as you say. Porn addicts aren't even interested in having sex with their mates because they're used to such an overload of visual stimuli that isn't present during actual sexual contact. If he's still fulfilling her sexually (a question which she hasn't answered yet), then he's not an addict.

 

I do agree that he won't change though. If you're not okay with it it's time to move on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ok,

So I've posted previously about my relationship. (thread 1, thread 2) I need some advice on what to do over lying in our relationship.

 

To get to the bottom line---I wouldn't care if he watched porn (nothing too crazy), but he constantly told me (lied) to me that he didn't which made me feel horrible when I found out.

 

Why didn't he just tell me in the first place? It makes me not only feel like our communication is problematic, but that I might not be enough for him sexually. It hurts thinking that if he lied over something so stupid, then what else could be possibly have lied, or be lying about in our relationship? :(

 

FYI We've been together for a year and a half, and he's always the one trying to be open about communication, yet I find porn on his computer when I'm trying to download something.

 

He feels ashaimed or guilty for watching porn. That;s why he did not tell you at the beginning, which I think is a mistake.

 

He should trust you, because watching porn is a SERIOUS matter. He not only desires different women, but he also compromises the relationship with you.

 

You lost any trust for him ... and this is huge set-back.

Talk to him about the porn you found on the computer, perhaps he'll lie again by telling you ... "I do not know how it get there" he's basterd :D

I am just guessing, but any relationship is based on TRUST, if you do not trust him anymore ... move on, break up with him.

 

Porn is like a fast food ... you cannot get enough of what you don't really want. It is some kind of addiction ... not the real thing. When he watches porn, he programs his brain to meet & have sex with different girls, because the "sexual variety" might be his new concept in his head right now.

 

My advice ... break up with him, until is too late.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Left in a Lurch
Ok,

 

Why didn't he just tell me in the first place? It makes me not only feel like our communication is problematic, but that I might not be enough for him sexually. It hurts thinking that if he lied over something so stupid, then what else could be possibly have lied, or be lying about in our relationship? :(

...yet I find porn on his computer when I'm trying to download something.

 

Two things- #1 I guarantee the reason he lies about it is because he knows it will be a big issue if he admits he does. How do I know this?

 

"...but that I might not be enough for him sexually."

 

Believe me, he gets that you may say it is no big deal if he is honest about watching porn, but he also knows you and knows that you WILL make it a huge deal about him not loving you and wanting someone else, being a sex addict....

 

All men watch porn. All men do not admit to watching porn. The ones that do not admit to watching porn usually have the best collections of anyone you know.

 

#2- How do you "find" porn on someone's computer while trying to download something? You searched his computer and found what you were searching for and you should be honest, it did not just find you and we both know that it didn't just pop up in his search history and you said, "oh my!". I have a hard time believing you are being honest when you say you just "found" it and it somehow fell in your lap. It's a little less than honest on your part to go searching or investigate a porn link without first asking his permission on his computer. Seems like you are being dishonest with him too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
pleasedontbreakme
Two things- #1 I guarantee the reason he lies about it is because he knows it will be a big issue if he admits he does. How do I know this?

 

"...but that I might not be enough for him sexually."

 

Believe me, he gets that you may say it is no big deal if he is honest about watching porn, but he also knows you and knows that you WILL make it a huge deal about him not loving you and wanting someone else, being a sex addict....

 

All men watch porn. All men do not admit to watching porn. The ones that do not admit to watching porn usually have the best collections of anyone you know.

 

#2- How do you "find" porn on someone's computer while trying to download something? You searched his computer and found what you were searching for and you should be honest, it did not just find you and we both know that it didn't just pop up in his search history and you said, "oh my!". I have a hard time believing you are being honest when you say you just "found" it and it somehow fell in your lap. It's a little less than honest on your part to go searching or investigate a porn link without first asking his permission on his computer. Seems like you are being dishonest with him too.

 

I wasn't in his search history. I was downloading an assignment and in the downloads was a link to a video, thinking it was one of his stupid videos that he would make me watch later (something off of college humor, or similar). And viola! A porn clip.

 

As per me 'being ok', in the past my ex's have watched porn and it never affected out relationship, however lying does.

 

Also, I had permission to use his computer and I wasn't snooping around. If I went through his history or cookies it would be something different.

 

The fact that he constantly told me "Oh babe, you know I don't watch porn" etc. is the issue. It's as if he had went to go see someone he said he wasn't talking to anymore.

 

I agree that maybe he lied because he thought I would get upset if he said yes that he does. But dishonesty hurts more.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe if you got into porn and watched it with him, it wouldn't be such a big issue with you and he wouldn't have to lie about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
pleasedontbreakme
Maybe if you got into porn and watched it with him, it wouldn't be such a big issue with you and he wouldn't have to lie about it.

 

As I said, I don't have a problem with him watching porn, the issue is that he constantly lied about not watching it. I've never even asked him if he watched it, but whenever something near the topic came close he would always declare that he didn't watch porn.

 

He could watch it for all I care, but the fact is that he lied.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Simon Attwood
As I said, I don't have a problem with him watching porn, the issue is that he constantly lied about not watching it. I've never even asked him if he watched it, but whenever something near the topic came close he would always declare that he didn't watch porn.

 

He could watch it for all I care, but the fact is that he lied.

 

So you are using that lie to rationalise and justify a stance and a judgement over his entire personality? Even if all men watch porn and yet very rarely will a man willingly admit it to his spouse?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't get it then. If you don't mind that he does, then why would he feel the need to lie? Is he ashamed? Is he into some really freaky, weird (or illegal) stuff?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ok,

So I've posted previously about my relationship. (thread 1, thread 2) I need some advice on what to do over lying in our relationship.

 

To get to the bottom line---I wouldn't care if he watched porn (nothing too crazy), but he constantly told me (lied) to me that he didn't which made me feel horrible when I found out.

 

Why didn't he just tell me in the first place? It makes me not only feel like our communication is problematic, but that I might not be enough for him sexually. It hurts thinking that if he lied over something so stupid, then what else could be possibly have lied, or be lying about in our relationship? :(

 

FYI We've been together for a year and a half, and he's always the one trying to be open about communication, yet I find porn on his computer when I'm trying to download something.

 

All guys look at porn. Some of us look at it alot less when we have girlfriends. Think of porn as a sex toy. Something that isn't necessary but people use more frequently when they are single. No bigee.

Link to post
Share on other sites
All guys look at porn. Some of us look at it alot less when we have girlfriends. Think of porn as a sex toy. Something that isn't necessary but people use more frequently when they are single. No bigee.

 

Quoted for simple truth.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Quoted for simple truth.

 

The sex toy analogy is probably the best way to explain it to a woman. Women look at porn too - allbeit a slightly greater percentage of males probably do so compared to women.

Link to post
Share on other sites

All men look at porn. Any man who tells you he doesnt is a liar or is dead :rolleyes:. The reason they conceal is that by now most know the reaction that they get from women. They get upset and it becomes a huge issue. So they lie.

 

For example I have several married friends that have told their wives that they NEVER EVER look at other women. I cant believe that their wives even believe them but it appears to be so. These guys meanwhile are the biggest visual dogs walking. They eyeball each and every woman they find.

 

Realize that men are almost entirely visual we LOVE :):) to look. Its just how it is.

 

BTW, dont tell me women dont look because they do because I catch them doing it all the time. Ask me how I know since I lost all the weight.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie

OP, your man is lying to you about his porn use. It's not going to stop unless he decides change. Currently, he clearly isn't changing. It doesn't matter that men are "visual". It doesn't matter that alot of men view porn. It dosen't matter that men infact like looking at women. It doesn't matter how many times men decide to justify crappy behavior on the guise of their hormoes. It doesn't matter if you watch it with him or not. It doesn't matter.

 

If his actions are compromising your trust and faith in him and the relationship. That is what matters. All you can do is discuss it with him. And if he continues to lie about it, then you really have no other choice then to either remain in a relationship where you can expect to be lied to in order to keep the peace, not something that sounds very promising when you want to be close to another human being, or you can ask him to challenge himself in order to keep something that hopefully, is more important to him then the porn. Truth is, currently he is proving that the porn is important enough to lie about OVER you. Right now, the porn is important enough to keep hiden OVER you. He is right now picking the porn over you. Because he is protecting his porn use. He is not protecting your relationship with him. He is not focusing on the relationship. He is choosing to focus on what situation he thinks will best keep you apeased so he can continue using porn. Not what situation would best suit the relationship so that you are both happy.

 

You might need to seek the help of a professional. And if that is not possible, you are going to have to be willing to make some tough choices.

 

I will further add, that it's weird to me, how many men today seem to define their masculinity through porn. As if it's almost a badge or honor towards your maniless and masculinity if you can sit infront of your computer masturbating. Such statements as "all men view porn" or "I'm a man, of course I view porn!", shows how deeply men connect masculinity to porn use. And to me personally, there is something deadening in that for the real spirit of masculinity. Which is unfortunetly going to have worse affect on men then it will women. Although women will also pray the price for it. I think we are already seeing some of that with the boon of the internet and how many men today have entrenched themselves to pornography over real interaction with real women. How many young boys today spend their time infront of their computer and the expectations they form. And sadly, how many girls and women try to conform to this expectations in hopes t obe the "cool" gf/wife jsut so they can get a little affection from a man, that defines his masculinity through his porn use.

 

So guys, you can say "all men view porn", and yes, it's true that many men do. But I suspect that it makes you feel *better* about yoruselves that there are other men that also view porn and you can all feel good about yourselfs while lowering the bar on what real mascunlinity means. And instead of getting out and doing things to really learn about real women, as diffiucult as it is, yo ucan sit safely infront of your computers pretending the girl on screen wants you when she wouldn't ever give you the time of day. Ironic, that the one woman that gives you the time a day, loves you and supports you end up being the one that gets treated the worst and gets the most disrespect. But hey, as long as you got your porn, that's what matters today. Men just care about porn. that's about as deep as it gets for most of them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I will further add, that it's weird to me, how many men today seem to define their masculinity through porn. As if it's almost a badge or honor towards your maniless and masculinity if you can sit infront of your computer masturbating. Such statements as "all men view porn" or "I'm a man, of course I view porn!", shows how deeply men connect masculinity to porn use. And to me personally, there is something deadening in that for the real spirit of masculinity. Which is unfortunetly going to have worse affect on men then it will women. Although women will also pray the price for it. I think we are already seeing some of that with the boon of the internet and how many men today have entrenched themselves to pornography over real interaction with real women. How many young boys today spend their time infront of their computer and the expectations they form. And sadly, how many girls and women try to conform to this expectations in hopes t obe the "cool" gf/wife jsut so they can get a little affection from a man, that defines his masculinity through his porn use.

 

So guys, you can say "all men view porn", and yes, it's true that many men do. But I suspect that it makes you feel *better* about yoruselves that there are other men that also view porn and you can all feel good about yourselfs while lowering the bar on what real mascunlinity means. And instead of getting out and doing things to really learn about real women, as diffiucult as it is, yo ucan sit safely infront of your computers pretending the girl on screen wants you when she wouldn't ever give you the time of day. Ironic, that the one woman that gives you the time a day, loves you and supports you end up being the one that gets treated the worst and gets the most disrespect. But hey, as long as you got your porn, that's what matters today. Men just care about porn. that's about as deep as it gets for most of them.

 

Which men define masculinity through porn? I think you're creating a straw man argument here, JS. Most men do not define masculinity through porn and to get into a conversation about that definition is going to filibuster the discussion at hand...

 

Porn consumption is frequent with men and women. That's a fact. Most have no problem admiting this, granted its a more private/personal topic.

 

You pour out your compassion in love for men as stated in your last paragraph, then state that the reaction from that is some selfish, disrespect by them choosing to watch porn. And you always sideskirt the argument that women watch porn too, in some cases as much as men - which there's nothing wrong (unless you completely object to porn consumption as a whole).

 

You decide which kinds of men you want to be with, JS.

 

You will chose to be with men who love you back and only want you or not. You accuse our entire gender of being selfish about love and sinking to just sexual desires - as one of my great lady friends, feminist advocates and successful counselors often tells others:

 

You must have a problem with porn, because you probably look at it; you are selfish with your love, just want your own sexual desires fulfilled and every time a man opens up, shares his heart and shows some love, you chose not to reciprocate and just want to get to your porn/toys instead.

 

Chose men who will love you back and obstain from porn in your relationships - or keep going for the same dudes that you are apparently attracted to and love...:rolleyes:

Edited by You'reasian
Link to post
Share on other sites

everyone's going on about the porn, but that isnt the issue.

OP's annoyed that he's lying when there is no need.

 

OP, i had an ex who lied loads. about the most stupid things. about things that i just couldnt understand why he was lying.

 

but i think it may be one of those 'damned if you do and damned if you dont' type situations.

 

he's afraid if he just says 'yes, i do watch lots of porn' that it will create an argument, or at the very least become one of those long drawn out conversations about feelings that so many men (and women) will do anything to avoid.

 

even if that isnt what would happen, he's afraid of your reaction. it doesnt matter what you say to reassure him that he wont get any negative comeback as he believes that he will.

Its likely that he's been with someone or some girls in the past that have made an issue about this.

 

TBH the best advice i can give is just not to ask. you know he's going to lie, so just dont ask.

i'm sure his motives are for self-preservation. thats quite normal and lots of people deny their porn habits, for one, its kind of a 'secret' side of them that they may wish to keep hidden, kind of makes it ruder for them if you know what i mean.

 

i think the lying is only an issue if he does it about lots of other stuff as well.:)

Link to post
Share on other sites

All men watch porn. All men do not admit to watching porn. The ones that do not admit to watching porn usually have the best collections of anyone you know.

 

Doesn't matter, if men do not want to admit that they watch porn.

 

In fact I disagree ... men who DO NOT watch porn ... are the onces having sexual variety & options with REAL WOMEN. Not only sexual variaty though ..., when you have sex with only one girl, sometimes the sex is much better than having muptiple sexual contacts with different people/partners. Why? Because, you create an emotion associated with sex that is STRONGER each time you perform it with the same person. At the beginning, the man and the woman do not know each other very well .. and both are very self-conscious of themselves. So the pleasure of sex is stronger when the both are comfortable with themselves & can trust each other ... trying different variaties of things.

 

So what is porn doing to men?

 

Porn is a form of social conditioning ... not educational in most cases. It is a BUSINESS. And that means the sexual interactions there are REAL, but set up in the way sending the wrong message from a pure scenario. The porn is just not the real thing .. it is something designed to satisfy people's instant desires, rather than some long-term fulfilment type of desire. People who watch porn all the time are trapped with their sexual needs. Not knowing how to express them fully in the REAL world.

 

If a man watches porn, it doesn't make him a GREAT lover. It makes him a worse lover, because he was looking for a quick fix thing in the first place, turning on the sex channel.

Edited by Itzo
Link to post
Share on other sites
Doesn't matter, if men do not want to admit that they watch porn.

 

In fact I disagree ... men who DO NOT watch porn ... are the onces having sexual variety & options with REAL WOMEN. Not only sexual variaty though ..., when you have sex with only one girl, sometimes the sex is much better than having muptiple sexual contacts with different people/partners. Why? Because, you create an emotion associated with sex that is STRONGER each time you perform it with the same person. At the beginning, the man and the woman do not know each other very well .. and both are very self-conscious of themselves. So the pleasure of sex is stronger when the both are comfortable with themselves & can trust each other ... trying different variaties of things.

 

So what is porn doing to men?

 

Porn is a form of social conditioning ... not educational in most cases. It is a BUSINESS. And that means the sexual interactions there are REAL, but set up in the way sending the wrong message from a pure scenario. The porn is just not the real thing .. it is something designed to satisfy people's instant desires, rather than some long-term fulfilment type of desire. People who watch porn all the time are trapped with their sexual needs. Not knowing how to express them fully in the REAL world.

 

If a man watches porn, it doesn't make him a GREAT lover. It makes him a worse lover, because he was looking for a quick fix thing in the first place, turning on the sex channel.

 

Excellent point. The emotional bond that you develop with that person makes the sex much, much better - but some people (men and women) still desire more.

 

I think men and women look at porn or use sex toys for instance to keep ownership of their sexuality - to keep their independent sex drive at a high level, when they are not able to be with their partner - in the case of distance or busyness.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
pleasedontbreakme
everyone's going on about the porn, but that isnt the issue.

OP's annoyed that he's lying when there is no need.

 

OP, i had an ex who lied loads. about the most stupid things. about things that i just couldnt understand why he was lying.

 

but i think it may be one of those 'damned if you do and damned if you dont' type situations.

 

he's afraid if he just says 'yes, i do watch lots of porn' that it will create an argument, or at the very least become one of those long drawn out conversations about feelings that so many men (and women) will do anything to avoid.

 

even if that isnt what would happen, he's afraid of your reaction. it doesnt matter what you say to reassure him that he wont get any negative comeback as he believes that he will.

Its likely that he's been with someone or some girls in the past that have made an issue about this.

 

TBH the best advice i can give is just not to ask. you know he's going to lie, so just dont ask.

i'm sure his motives are for self-preservation. thats quite normal and lots of people deny their porn habits, for one, its kind of a 'secret' side of them that they may wish to keep hidden, kind of makes it ruder for them if you know what i mean.

 

i think the lying is only an issue if he does it about lots of other stuff as well.:)

 

Thanks for the understanding, yeah the lying is the only problem I have. Not the porn. We could go on and on and talk about it. I agree and disagree with somethings that have been said. I never stated that I didn't want him watching porn.

 

Anyway, let me restate myself. I know that guys watch porn. Nothing new there. My ex watched porn, it was never a problem with our relationship. However lying IS an issue.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks for the understanding, yeah the lying is the only problem I have. Not the porn. We could go on and on and talk about it. I agree and disagree with somethings that have been said. I never stated that I didn't want him watching porn.

 

Anyway, let me restate myself. I know that guys watch porn. Nothing new there. My ex watched porn, it was never a problem with our relationship. However lying IS an issue.

 

Watching porn like the stuff you see on skinemax with an established gf can be fun. As long as both are ok with it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks for the understanding, yeah the lying is the only problem I have. Not the porn. We could go on and on and talk about it. I agree and disagree with somethings that have been said. I never stated that I didn't want him watching porn.

 

Anyway, let me restate myself. I know that guys watch porn. Nothing new there. My ex watched porn, it was never a problem with our relationship. However lying IS an issue.

 

i understand how its a problem for you. however, unless he's lying about other things as well, personally i wouldnt be too upset about it. basically because if it were me i'd probably just assume its something that he feels is private and doesnt want to share with you.

 

i know people say a couple should be able to share everything, but for some, masturbation and porn is something they feel is for them only.

which is fine as long as their sex life with their partner isnt affected.

 

i'm waffling a bit, but i guess my point is that your problem is his motive for lying, and if his motive is as i've said above, would you be OK with that?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...